Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (16 page)

David laughs. "Boob job barbie? That's actually a pretty good one. I guess that means she had a nice rack, though." He looks thoughtful, and I realize just how long it's been since he had a date, at least a date that he told me about. It's been awhile. I don't think he's gone out with
anyone
in a few months, maybe longer. Hell, I haven't seen him with a woman since SarahBeth started college and he started paying more attention to her. He's still trying to make up for the fact that we both ditched her for dinner one horrible night years ago.

"Good rack, but..." I sigh, "Dude, she went by
Candy
."

"You are way too picky, J. Seriously, it's just pussy. Who cares what her name is?" He's giving me a look that says
what the hell?
One I can't blame him for because with the exception of Mel, that's always been my motto. Well, at least it's what he thinks is my motto. Subconsciously, I guess I've always been comparing them to SarahBeth and Mel's the only girl who even came close to being someone I could care for.

After last night though, I don't know what to think. I've always been close to SB. Since she was little. Out of everyone in my life, she's the one person I always thought understood me. The fact that she wants to hide any kind of relationship we can have? That shit cuts deep and I don't know how to get past it. I feel like a fucking fool because I was ready to go all in with her, tell her brother how I feel and let everyone know she's mine. But then, she told me we couldn't tell anyone, that David can't know. That kind of shit fucks with your head. Especially when I've always been told how I'm not good enough - I wasn't good enough for my mom to stick around, I wasn't good enough for my aunt and uncle to give a shit about. Hell, I love my Nonna, but in a lot of ways, I feel like I wasn't good enough for her because she didn't do anything to defend me against my aunt and uncle.

This whole situation is fucked up, and I don't have anyone I can ask for advice. David's my best friend, normally I would run something like this past him, but I can't exactly say "Hey Dave, I'm in love with your sister, but she doesn't want anyone to know about it." I'm sure that would go over well. Man, these are so not the best thoughts to have when you're already hung-over. It just makes me want to drink again and forget all this bullshit. I would drink if my head didn't already feel like there was someone inside it banging with a sledgehammer.
Fuck
.

"Dammit, SB's awake. Please, for the love of God, don't talk about pussy or boob jobs or fucking one night stands. That's the last thing my little sister needs to think about." David glares at me from the other side of the bar and I grunt, not wanting to respond to that. There's no way I
can
respond to that except by dragging SB off by the hair to work out our differences like a fucking caveman.

SarahBeth trudges into the room, still wearing the pair of tiny pink shorts that might possibly be panties and tight tank top she was wearing when I got home this morning.
Fuck me
. Is she trying to fucking torture me? All it takes is seeing her looking like she just rolled out of bed, well technically off the couch, wearing next to nothing and my dick is standing at attention and practically goddamn begging me to take her back to bed and mess her up just a little more. I have to suppress a groan and try to adjust myself without Dave noticing. Good to know that a hangover doesn't mean I don't want her.

"Fucking hell SB! It's a good thing Jeremy's the only person here. If any of the other guys saw you dressed like that, I'd have to beat their asses." David shakes his head at her, oblivious to the fact that the person whose ass he should be kicking is mine. Hearing my name, SarahBeth goes rigid, stopping dead in her tracks and looking right at me, eyes wide and still full of sadness. It shouldn't affect me as much as it does, but no matter what happened last night or this morning, I still don't like seeing her upset. I really don't like her being unhappy if I'm the cause.

She tugs her tank top, one that barely covers her stomach and doesn't reach the top of the little shorts she's wearing, like she thinks she can make it better. It doesn't. The only thing tugging it down does is make it ride lower over her chest, which does absolutely nothing for my erection. Well, it does nothing constructive. When she sees me staring at her chest, her face turns bright red, making David look over at me too.

"Well, fuck. Am I going to have to kick your ass too?" He glares at me; not at all happy with the way I'm looking at his sister. When I don't answer right away, he points directly at me, saying, "Seriously fucker, don't look at my sister like that, don't think about her, just...fucking don't. You got me?"

I didn't think it was possible for SB's face to get any brighter, but it does. "
David
!" she hisses, getting ready to scold him, but I cut her off with a jerk of my head.

"No, it's cool. He's right, I don't have any business looking at you." Then, I turn to David. "Sorry man, won't happen again." Getting up from the bar, I walk past both of them, leaving the room before I tell him just how much I've looked at and touched his baby sister. Clueing him in to any of that won't end well for any of us, so I should just take my ass out of the room.

As I leave, I hear David's muttered, "Damn fucking right," followed by SB's whispered admonishment to her brother. I can't help the grin that lifts one side of my mouth as I leave them fighting in the kitchen. It's petty, but I kind of feel like she deserves to have to deal with her pissed off brother this morning. Hell, better she deal with pissed off David than pissed off Jeremy because every time I get pissed off around her we wind up locked together and full of regret. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle of misery for me.

SarahBeth

Oh. My. God. I can't believe David caught Jeremy staring at my chest! So much for that whole "we are nothing" speech he gave me last night. If we were
nothing
, he wouldn't be interested in my boobs...right? Ugh, I hate this - the fighting, the distance, every single part of it. Jeremy and I have been close forever, and now it's like he doesn't want to be in the same room with me. I need to cover for the hurt I feel that he walked out after barely saying a word to me. I still can't believe he went home with her! I hope he wore a condom...that chick probably has some very nasty stuff growing down there.

As soon as I hear Jeremy's door shut, I turn to my brother and glare. Not just any glare either, it's the full on narrowed eyes, frowning mouth, hands on my hips, you better listen to what I say death stare. "I can't
believe
you just said that! Ohmigod David!" I'm trying not to scream at him, instead doing that weird whisper shout where you're trying to be quiet even though you want to scream until glass shatters.

"What?" my big brother says, acting like he's all innocent. David gives me a wide-eyed look, like he really is shocked that I'm upset with him. "What did I do, baby sister? Am I supposed to just let my friends' stare at your tits?" I grimace at his word choice. "Tits
"
is my least favorite word. I hate it more than I hate cunt and I
really
don't like that word. Oh gross...am I really thinking about
that
while I'm talking to my brother? Ewww!

There's really nothing I can say to that because (other than Jeremy) I don't want his friends staring at any part of my body either. Just the fact that he reacted like that to Jeremy looking at me though proves that I was right last night. If we were to do anything, we couldn't tell David. My brother would never understand and I don't want to be responsible for them fighting.

"No, you shouldn't let your friends stare at my boobs...boobs David, not tits. You know I hate that word! But, you don't have to be a butt about it either." David looks contrite, and after grabbing something to eat, I head off to find Jeremy, wanting to attempt to explain what I was trying to say last night. I've got to make things better with him, especially after what was said this morning.

I stand outside his door for at least five minutes trying to work up the courage to actually knock on the door when it flies open and Jeremy's standing in the doorway, still wearing his sweats, but with running shoes and a baseball cap. He stares down at me, his eyes unreadable and his expression blank. I
hate
not knowing how he's going to react to me, if he's going to blow me off or take me seriously.

"Um, hey?" Instead of being a greeting, it comes out as a question. Now that he's standing here in front of me, I'm nervous. I should have thought about what I wanted to say before I got to his door, but I didn't.

Jeremy raises one eyebrow. "Hi," he mutters. He doesn't say anything else, just stands there starting at me. I try to collect my thoughts, but he's impatient. "Did you need something?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He starts to shake his head no so I reach out and put a hand on his arm. "Please Jer? I hate that you're upset with me. I really need to explain about last night."

Jeremy looks back towards the kitchen, like he's checking for my brother, before motioning for me to enter his room. Once we're inside, he gestures for me to sit on his bed, but I'm too nervous. I start to pace instead, trying to figure out how to say what I need to say to him. Finally, I take a deep breath, "Okay, I know you think the whole reason I didn't want David to know anything about us is because I'm ashamed of you or something." That's the most ridiculous thing I can think of, because why would anyone be ashamed of Jeremy? He doesn't agree or disagree, just continues to stand there staring at me. My palms are sweating and I'm hoping I don't screw this up. "That wasn't the reason. You saw how he acted just now in the kitchen, and that was just because you were looking at me. Can you imagine what would happen if we told him we were dating? David would go off the deep end. I just...I don't want to be the reason you stop being friends." Jeremy's expression softens slightly, so I hasten to add, "If we were together, Jer, I'd want everyone to know. I just don't want to tell him because it would mess up everything. Please, forgive me? I swear, I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"SarahBeth," Jeremy begins, stopping to look away from me. My heart drops, he's still calling me by my name so I know he's still mad. I've always hated being called SB or Little Bit, but now that he's not calling me either, I don't want to be called anything
but
those nicknames.

"Please Jeremy, I can't take you being pissed at me." My lip is quivering, and it's taking everything I have not to let the tears gathering in my eyes fall. I know that crying will make him forgive me, but I want him to mean it. I don't want him to forgive me because he doesn't want to see me cry.

He sighs, "I get why you said what you did, but fuck, SarahBeth, that shit hurt. I don't want to be someone's secret, and if we were together? It would be with your brother's blessing. I'm not risking my best friend over a woman. Not even if it's you. If you can't live with telling your brother about us, then there's nothing here." I start to speak, but he cuts me off. "I get it, I do. But, you should have let
me
decide whether I wanted to risk your brother's friendship by telling him instead of telling me we need to hide our relationship, if there was going to be one. I'm not the guy that's going to let any woman dictate everything, and right now, I can't trust you or your reasons for why you don't want to tell him. We can still be friends, but that's all. At least for now."

I'm speechless. This is not the way I saw this conversation going. I don't know how to get through to him that I want him. I just don't want the fight that will come along with my brother knowing about us. He doesn't give me the chance to say anything else. Instead, he opens the door and with his back to me, he says, "Please be gone when I get back. I just...I can't do this with you. I'm sorry." He shuts the door behind him, leaving me to my misery and trying to figure out where I went wrong.

SarahBeth

T
he next few months crawl by. My relationship with Jeremy is strained, we don't speak much, not unless we absolutely have to and he spends the majority of his time away from home. Spring semester had been over for two weeks; Livvie and Emmett are at the beach, and the only person I've actually seen is Wyatt because he chose to stay here and attend summer semester. We've developed a pretty awesome friendship, which makes being around our friends, who are all part of a couple much easier. We clicked right from the beginning, but it's never been anything romantic, no matter how much Liv tries to force us into that box.