Everything Changes (41 page)

Parker hung his head. He knew what I was
referring to. “All right.” After a long pause, he spoke slowly. “When I raced
MX, everyone I ever came in contact with growing up always told me how much
potential I had. I was the shit and I knew it. Then when I would get home, I
had a reminder that I was nothing compared to Jeremy, my dad. In his eyes, no
one would be. At fourteen, I had a factory ride and was well on my way to that
first championship. I knew things were bad at home, but on the track it didn’t
matter. I could escape from reality and be what I wanted to be, a championship
rider.”

I glanced at him, my eyes breaking from the cup
in my hand to his. His face was intense.

“Out there it didn’t matter if my heart was
breaking or that I could never get my shit together,” he said with emphasis.

He looked away, his focus on his own cup and
sighed. “I know you want me to talk about him, like he’s what caused me to be
this way, and maybe he is, but it doesn’t matter. The truth is I hid behind my
talent in hopes that it would take what I had no control over and turn it into
something I did. And then there’s you…” His words hit with a thud knowing that
just like his dad, I had a certain amount of power over him. “I thought that if
I focused on riding I could forget that you thought what we had wasn’t good
enough. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every time you left it was like
my heart was ripped out. I kept telling myself I wouldn’t call again…and then I
would.” He blew out a breath and ran his hand through his hair, his elbows
resting on the table. “I just couldn’t stop with you. I don’t know why I hung
on so tightly, but if I had to guess it was because that summer with you...that
was the first time since I threw a leg over a bike that I wanted something
other than riding. I wanted you.” The self-loathing in his voice took me by
surprise, and I looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the
door where an older couple dressed in leather walked in having rode up on
Harleys.

I set my cup down and wrapped my hands around my
neck as the memories of that summer wandered back.

“Parker…” I said, feeling the need to interject
now. “We are both to blame. I never truly listened to what you were saying…”

He held up a hand to stop me. “I know. I know
that I could have stopped and talked to you. Instead, I was afraid of what you
would say.” His voice was low and gritty. “I was afraid that if I asked, you
would tell me something I didn’t want to hear. I never asked my dad what upset
him so much about me racing when he encouraged it. Had I asked, maybe he
wouldn’t have…” He closed his eyes and tipped his head forward, fisting his
hair in hands. I had no idea that he had tied the two relationships together
like this, but now it made sense as to why he was shy, why he kept to himself.

“Then Kayla told me about Sean…” He paused and
sucked in a deep, shaky breath. He was so distraught over this I almost felt
guilty for bringing it up but we needed to say this. “I didn’t want her to be
right. But fuck…” he ran his hands over his face, covering his eyes for a
moment. “...I also couldn’t blame you for turning to him. I was pissed when I
found out about him, that you were still seeing him, but I couldn’t blame you.”

We were both quiet as I processed everything he
said to me. What we did, why we treated each other the way we did sucked, but
we were young and naïve to what it was we were really doing to each other. Now
it was clear.

We sat in silence until I was finally able to ask
what I wanted to ask. “Where does this leave us now?”

He chuckled but it wasn’t from amusement, it was
confusion or maybe even spite. “I told you, Ro. I don’t want you to marry him.
I don’t. But I can’t make this decision for you. I just hope that you make the
right one.”

He looked at me long and hard like he was making
sure I understood that this was something I needed to do for me, not for Parker
or even Sean. This was on me.

On one hand, it was easier to know that Parker
still cared for me. I liked that he was willing to fight for me. On the other
hand, it scared me because it made my decision that much harder. Any way I
looked at it someone would be hurt.

August
1, 2002

When Parker and I got back to Shelton, it was the
day before the wedding.
Addy
was there waiting for me
inside my apartment, Sean wasn’t.

For a long moment, she said nothing but hello.
And then she spoke. “He knows where you went. I didn’t tell him but I think he
figured it out on his own when you didn’t come home from work.”

I nodded, feeling the tears stream down my heated
cheeks. The impassive way she stared at me let me know she understood but
wouldn’t tell me what she thought I should do.
Addy
knew me well enough to know I couldn’t let go of Parker. I just couldn’t. And
as much as I wanted this week with him to be a goodbye, it wasn’t. I could
never tell Parker goodbye and mean it. Where this left me was I either married
Sean and ran the risk of constantly seeing Parker whenever I couldn’t handle
it, or, and it was a big or, I called it off with Sean and went back to where I
belong.

“What do I do,
Addy
?” I
was looking to my best friend for an answer. She knew that, but it wasn’t an
answer she could give me.

“Honestly, Ro...” Addy’s blue eyes sparkled with
tears “...I want you to be happy…and you have only ever been happy with Parker.
When you’re with him you come to life and you’re in the moment with him. But
when you’re with Sean, your eyes are distant and swimming in a memory. I don’t
know how you even got to where you are with Sean. I know you said you were
trying to be your own person, but do you honestly think marrying a man you
don’t love is the answer?”

With my best friends arms wrapped around me, it
was easy to see all the sides to this. I could finally see what I had done. “I
turned to Sean because I wanted a distraction here, a way to come back down
from the high I felt with Parker.”

“You could have been with Parker, though,
sweetie.”

“I know that now,” I said through tears, soaking
my face and her shirt. “I was scared, scared of everything he was and I
wasn’t.”

“You are the only one that can make the decision
here…but be honest with yourself first. I know that you are worried about your
mom and dad but they will be fine. Your mom has been this way since you were a
kid, nothing will change there, so when is it time for you?”

Addy
was
absolutely right. I needed to be honest with myself and with Sean. Sean needed
to know the truth. And the truth was I couldn’t marry him if my heart belonged
to Parker. I also needed to be honest with myself that none of this had to do
with my family. It was me.

When I got back to our apartment the night before
the wedding Sean wasn’t there. In fact, neither were his clothes and I couldn’t
blame him one bit.

CHAPTER
28

Parker
O’Neil

Conditions

When a rider refers to conditions he is referring
to whether the track is muddy, tacky or hard-packed.

August
2, 2002

The implication of our time seemed to weigh
heavily on Ro, crushing her even. I knew the feeling.
 
Ro wanted something she could count on, but
she never thought she could count on me. I was never going to hurt her. Yeah,
my lifestyle could have, but I would never let that happen and that was all
that mattered. The rest of that shit could have been figured out.

The morning of the day she’d no longer be mine I
could barely let go of the bottle. It was the same bottle I’d clung to for the
past few months. Drowning in alcohol seemed easier than floating or maybe
sinking was easier than fighting.

Today he would be putting a ring around her
finger, unless she stopped him, and he’d tell her he loved her. It was
something I should be doing. I thought about the moment I could have promised
her forever and didn’t. I should have never left and let her find comfort in
him.

From the distance, I brought the remedy to my
lips watching as she approached him. My grip on the bottle tightened. Her
stance rigid and unfamiliar. She was scared. Revulsion flowed through my veins
as I watched them together. My nerves were sailing.

Rick found me and I wondered if he would have
something to say for the years of heartache I caused his only daughter, but he
said the opposite. “You should be the one down there right now.”

He was right. I nodded and he pulled me into a
hug. “She won’t go through with it. I know my daughter and she won’t.”

The thing was I wasn’t so sure now watching them
embraced in a hug.

“I’m sorry…”

Rick shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry about,
son. You said what you needed to say. The rest is up to Ro.”

Again, he was right. This wasn’t something I
could decide or pressure her into. So I waited in the staging area for her to
come to starting gate.

CHAPTER
29

Rowan
Jensen

Stoppie

When a rider grabs the front brake causing the
bike to pitch forward into an
endo
-wheelie and
continues moving.

August
2, 2002

The day of the wedding I wasn’t even sure Sean
wanted to marry me anymore. Since I returned, I hadn’t seen him. Like I said,
last night when I got to the apartment, his clothes were gone.

Addy
and my
mom, who was convinced she was renewing her vows today, got everything together
that morning and headed out to their vacant property in
McCleary
.

It was raining that morning, an indication to me
that this was a bad sign to begin with.

Addy
spent
the morning battling Bryce who wanted nothing to do with getting dressed in a
tuxedo or the fact that he had to stand still and behave, two things
two-year-olds didn’t do.

When we showed up with our dresses in hand and I
saw Sean there, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, I wasn’t sure there’d be a
wedding.

Briefly, my eyes focused on Justin who pulled
into the parking lot with Ben, my dad, and Parker, of all people. He stayed
near the truck with Justin, a bit apprehensive of his presence here.

Sean stood relaxed against his Camaro, his head
hanging in sadness. For a moment, he didn’t speak.

I watched him closely, my mind trying to justify
what I wanted to say. For a second, I looked at him, really looked at him,
understanding that I barely knew Sean. I didn’t know him like I knew Parker.

It felt like this was the first time I looked at
him this way, openly and honestly. He was handsome, and I knew his face well.
I’d seen him smile, shout, and sleep, but I’d never seen him like this. But
then again, maybe I never paid any attention to it.

I was ashamed that I knew so little about him and
more so that I hurt him. I felt a chill across my neck, momentarily imagining
what my life would be if I did marry Sean.

The girls gave us space, busied themselves with
last minute details I was almost positive wouldn’t be needed now. My heart
pounded with regret for Sean, for us, but mostly for Parker, and he was the one
who was hurt the worst in this. All this time he’d remained true to me, and yet
here I was thinking what we had meant nothing to him, when all along it was
everything.

“I need to talk to you, Sean,” I said, walking
towards him.

“Okay.” He nodded, his head remained down
avoiding my gaze but I could see the frozen mask of uncertainty. He knew where
I was going with this. There was a pause and then he spoke slowly. “I need to
talk to you too.”

Then he looked up at me sharply, arching his
brow. There was so much energy and emotion bouncing around between us that it
was hard to breathe. I swallowed thickly but I couldn’t look away from him. I
needed to say this.

“I’m fine.”

It wasn’t even the correct response for the
question. It was another moment when I said the exact opposite of what I was
thinking.

“No…you’re not fine.” Sean finally looked at me,
his eyes earnest and sad. His gaze told our story. It was a story of a boy that
tried to save a girl from herself and she used him as a bandage for the pain.
Now he was ripping it away and saying,
“Here, deal with it. I won’t be your
reason anymore.”

I inhaled a deep breath, letting the air fill my
lungs. I felt like I needed every tiny grain of strength I could muster to say
what I needed to say.

“Tell me.” Sean looked from me to the ground
again. His posture straightened slightly as if he was trying to prepare
himself.

“Tell you?” I looked at him, eyebrows raised
trying to figure out what he was saying, but then it made sense. He knew all
along. He knew where I was this past week and more importantly,
who
I was with.

“Just say it.”

“I can’t do this with you anymore.” His eyes held
that same sadness they did every time he told me he loved me and I said
nothing. Every time he kissed me and my mind betrayed him and pulled away from
him. He knew now that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I loved
another man and would always love Parker.