e Squared (22 page)

 

Milt Shake has 18,934 friends

 

Posted by
The Gaydar Guy

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.01

Subject: Missing tools

 

The contractor carrying out repairs after Monday's incident has brought to my attention the loss of a number of power tools. In particular, he is missing a Kango 2500 Series electric breaker. Please check your offices. This is a big item and should not have gone far.

 

From:
Alex Sofroniou

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.03

Subject: IT systems

 

We are still working on getting IT systems up and running after

 

Monday's disruption. Will all those who have functioning PCs and Macs continue to share resources with those who haven't? I anticipate the work being completed by the end of today or early tomorrow. Thank you for your patience.

PS: Normal service will be resumed more quickly if you refrain from overloading the server with uploads to YouTube!

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.06

Subject: Sorry, Miss, a dog ate my artwork!

 

Mad Dog managed to destroy most of our Esmée Éloge De-Wrinkelle presentation. Can whoever nicked the samples of the new packaging from my desk please return them ASAP as we need to reshoot. I'm guessing the culprit is 35+, which narrows it down somewhat—got to admit it's all a bit
Logan's
Run
round here!

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Creative Department

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.15

Subject: Mr. Fraggles

 

He has asked me to tell you he will be out this morning for precautionary rabies jabs after the bite to his derriere. The 10.30 Custard Pie Workshop is canceled.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.16

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to get doggy-doo out of Caroline's Louis XIV chaise longue? A free mega-spritz of l‘Eau d'Issey Pour Homme for the successful applicant!

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.17

Subject: Thanks

 

Just to let you know that I visited Enola in hospital yesterday evening. She asked me to pass on her thanks for all the cards and flowers. With all the bandages, it was hard to tell how badly disfigured her face is, but she's looking on the bright side. She told me the doctors have promised that the reconstructive surgery will take at least ten years off her!

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.18

Subject: One good reason...

 

... why I shouldn't fire you right now?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.19

Subject: Plaintive cry for help!

 

I need a really good (as in excellent) Montana idea IMMEDIATELY.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.20

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

Harvey Harvey has just discovered Out of Office AutoReply and he will be using it all day!

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: Zlatan Kovaćević

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.21

Subject: Visitor

 

Got a guy down here from the Billericay branch of the BNP. He wants to know if you can give him and his mates a seminar on assassination techniques. Shall I tell the shave-head scuzz ball to sling his hook or is this the kind of sick shit you do in your spare time?

 

From:
Zlatan Kovaćević

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.22

Subject: Re: Visitor

 

What is BNP?

 

From:
Róisín
O'Hooligan

To: Zlatan Kovaćević

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.23

Subject: Re: Visitor

 

Stands for British National Party. Basically Nazis minus the fashion flair.

 

From:
Zlatan Kovaćević

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.24

Subject: Re: Visitor

 

Tell him I be there in 5 minute.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.29

Subject: Thank heaven for YouTube

 

So good to be able to keep up with London here in the desert. Yes, the Gulf ground to a halt as we watched your offices get trashed by the pit bull. Who did the magnificent beast belong to or did it just wander in off the street? And was it on PCP or similar ? In the bit where it overturns the boardroom table it seems to possess supercanine strength. Haven't heard from you, but I trust you managed to avoid the slavering jaws of death.

 

Jim Davidson's party was a rum affair. There's something disturbing about a comic whose act is based on contempt for various blacks and Asians choosing to spend his decline surrounded by Koran-muttering towel heads. But it seems he's found a kindred spirit in Vince, the only remaining person on the planet who laughs at all his jokes. I sense they're going to be spending a lot of time together, which might take the strain off me.

 

I've come up with nada on your Mini Montana brief. It's a proper bastard. It's all wrong as a concept. Don't they look stupidly small in an adult mouth? I told Vince about it (and before you go off on one, he doesn't strictly count as a “living” soul, so I didn't break my promise). He said it reminded him of those sweet ciggies we used to pretend-smoke when we were kids. I think your best bet is to go with Harvey Harvey's idea and hit the dwarf market with all guns blazing.

 

Things are kicking off here. Vince tried to e-mail Jim D some porny mpegs. Trouble is that our IT department has installed a Sharia 100i, IBM's state-of-the-art fundamentalist server, and the sirens have gone off. Time to leave the building, I think, if not the country.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.34

Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube

 

The dog was mine and I'm in the deepest shit as a result. But I think you might just have saved my hide. Thanks.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.36

Subject: Re: One good reason ...

 

... you shouldn't fire me is that I've got an idea for Montana. Can I see you?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.39

Subject: Re: One good reason ...

 

Give me 15 minutes. Got to talk to a man about getting the fucking bite marks out of my Cannes gold lion—you twat.