e Squared (9 page)

I'm taking relationship advice from a diagnosed psychotic? Think I'll leave it be.

 

By the way, if/when you decide to tell Vince about Susi, don't mention she brought Bubbles in before Christmas. She was dressed in head-to-toe Gaultier. Poor kid looked like a prostitute from
Moulin Rouge Junior.
Susi had also doused her in Allure, which sent out a clear scent signal to anyone within a half-mile radius on the sex offenders' register. Made me feel distinctly uncomfortable. But what the fuck do I know about parenting? Maybe Tiny Ho is the new look from Gap Kids.

 

Enough. You've got your hot dogs and I've got a particularly tricky product-recall ad to do for Winter Sun instant tan. We did the packaging for it. The instructions read “leave on for 3 hours” instead of “3 minutes.” There are roaming packs of angry women out there with complexions like pickled walnuts. God knows what Ted wants. A viral? A pavement poster? The world's first ad delivered via ESP? Certainly won't be a nice old-fashioned quarter-page in the
Mail.
That would be boring, wouldn't it?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.47

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Are you even there, Janice?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.52

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I'm here. It wasn't Tam's pregnancy test.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.53

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Whose was it, then?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.55

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Well, it wasn't Noah's.

 

From:
[email protected]

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.01

Subject: Your account

 

We regret to inform you that we have been obliged to terminate your account due to the failure of your credit card. We advise you to contact your bank as a matter of urgency to discuss the situation. We must also inform you that we cannot review this decision until you have cleared your outstanding debt, which now stands at:

 

This is an automatically generated e-mail. Please do not reply.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.03

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to clean Ted's car?

 

From:
[email protected]

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.05

Subject: SPECIAL OFFER!

 

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today
of our special offer on
online debt counseling?
Talk in
complete confidence
to our
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experts
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²

 

Click
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now
for full details.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: All Staff

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.10

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to kiss my arse? My self-esteem has taken a bit of a battering.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.17

Subject: Re: Interns?

 

FYI, Ted's Cayenne is covered in mud after his orienteering trip yesterday. He has to drive to a client meeting this afternoon and it needs to be clean. Therefore the job of washing it is
work-
related and is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask a
work-experience
person to do.

 

Also FYI, I didn't like your attitude when we worked together at Miller Shanks and I don't like it anymore now. I'll thank you not to continue sending snide all-staffers.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.23

Subject: Re: Interns?

 

Don't think my e-mail mentioned Ted's car, but since you have, why does a certified midget need one big enough to carry the entire Serbian basketball squad? Have you ever seen the Serbian basketball squad? They're like a copse of extremely lanky elms.

 

Anyway, I think car-washing makes an excellent entry on any undergrad's CV. Bound to land him/her that top job at McKinsey/Goldman Sachs/NASA. Shit, I'd do it myself if I didn't have an important Esmée Éloge product-recall ad to do. Do you reckon Ted will be happy with a few ideas for guerrilla street happenings or is he looking for something more left field?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Kirsten Richardson

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.25

Subject: feeling shite

 

You available to pick me up with a therapeutic tease? I'm thinking quick wash ‘n' trim, but I'm happy to be your plaything.

 

From:
Kirsten Richardson

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.28

Subject: Re: feeling shite

 

I'm about to do some remedial work on Ted's split ends, but I'm free after that. About 1.00? You haven't got much to play with, have you? No. 2 again?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.33

Subject: Help!

 

Just had a really unsettling e-mail from Liam in creative. I think he was being ironic, but it's so hard to tell. Need to discuss. Starbucks in 5?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.34

Subject: Re: Help!

 

Cazza's out so I'm free right now. Starbucks in 2!

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.38

Subject: Office Audit

Att:
inventory_jan09.xls

 

Dear David

 

I have completed the audit of office furniture and equipment that you actioned prior to Christmas. Everything is pretty much in order. We appear to be slightly over-inventorized on copiers and scanners, but otherwise OK. Stationery stocks are running at adequate levels, assuming current levels of staffing are maintained. You can view a full breakdown on the attached spreadsheet.

 

I did come across a couple of anomalies. A Wii console and remote, three Wii games and two leather-upholstered beanbags appear to be missing from the new Creative Romper Room. Let me know if you wish me to investigate further.

 

Best wishes,

PS: Is there anything we can do to amend our job titles? Personally, I'd be more comfortable with Office Administrator.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.40

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Well?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.41

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Well what?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.43

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Over half an hour ago I told you I'm pregnant. No response. What the hell have you been doing? I'm going out of my mind here.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.45

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I'm staggered, to be honest. How long have you known? When were you planning to tell me? And how did it happen?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.48

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I've known for a few days. That's what I wanted to talk to you about on Monday but you buggered off to Rotterdam. How did it happen? We had sex. Remember? Or are you so self-absorbed that you didn't notice I was with you when we were doing it?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.59

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I thought you were on the pill.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.03

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I stopped taking the pill when our sex life withered to virtually nothing in 2005. Jesus, David, a bit of concern wouldn't go amiss right now.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.05