e Squared (24 page)

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Comfort Ajegbo

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.34

Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir

 

Hi Comfort

 

Your terrible situation is shocking. I'll do anything I can to help. Would you like me to talk to the British police? I should point out I'm not sure I believe in God (and I don't know where the British High Commission would get the idea that I do), but I will say a prayer for you just in case. And I'll stay next to my computer until I know you're safe.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.37

Subject: Re: Plaintive cry for help!

 

By the strangest coincidence my need for a Montana idea was also a matter of life or death. No matter. Sorted now. Gave Ted the mother lode. Big Tobacco can be assured of the next generation of smokers. I'm a generous bloke and I don't mind if you want to jump on my bandwagon. Just don't get under my feet.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.07

Subject: Musical Premiere

Att:
jinglonia.pdf

 

After Monday's terrifying event, Yossi has agreed to bring forward the premiere of his new work in the hope that we can begin the healing process with the “soothing balm of music.” The performance will take place in reception at 6.00.

 

Please see attached e-flyer for details.

 

From: Lorraine
Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.09

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

I'm not going for a drink with you, Liam. It's over. Just tell the gay guy about BB.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.11

Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube

 

I gave Vince the genius message. He's as baffled as I am. What exactly is he supposed to have done?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.14

Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube

 

Can't say-Official Secrets Act and all that—but tell him he's getting the slot above God (but below my mum) in my Cannes acceptance speech.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Comfort Ajegbo

Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.57

Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir

 

Hello, Comfort. You haven't replied and I'm worried that something may have happened. Perhaps your late father's associates have turned up with machetes or maybe you've gone into hiding in the jungle. (Do you have jungle nearby or is it more what you'd call “bush?”) Just send me a one-word reply to let me know you are OK. It's lunchtime here, but I'll stay at my desk until I hear from you. If you haven't replied by 3.00 (London time), I'll call the police. By the way, I've built a little shrine on my desktop. I've made a model of you out of Blu Tack and matchsticks, though obviously I can only guess what you look like!

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Creative Department

Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.59

Subject: Project Red Carpet

 

Ted's office now for the review!

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.00

Subject: Tamara

 

Just had a call from her principal telling me she hasn't been at school all week and she's not there today. What do you suggest?

 

From:
[email protected]

To: Noah Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.01

Subject: Thanking

 

Veiko want to thank you for the bombardings of fan e-mail. As you are already guess, his music and axe style are much of the influences of classical British metal like Purple, Sab, Priest, Maiden and Saxon and he is please to have brilliant support from British fan bases.

 

In responding to your inquiry of touring plans, Veiko has no plan bring Dethrush to UK because he is very busy conquer Finland markets, but if you come to here he happy to greet you at gig. Please go
dethrush.fi/dates
for schedules.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.02

Subject: Re: Tamara

 

I suggest hitting her where it hurts. Fees of £6,000 per term works out to about £102 per school day. I say we charge her the full rate for every day she misses. Want me to call her and tell her she owes us £306 for the week to date?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.04

Subject: Re: Tamara

 

Don't be ridiculous. From whom does she get all her money in the first place? I'll deal with it.

 

I'm having my six-week scan tomorrow morning. Are you going to accompany me?

 

By the way, you surely won't know the answer to this, but I have to ask. I was sorting out laundry this morning and Noah seems to be missing all his underpants. Any ideas?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.05

Subject: Re: Tamara

 

Wouldn't miss the scan for the world. Let me know how it goes with Tam. Sorry, haven't a clue on Noah's pants.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.06

Subject: superstar!!!!

 

Just bumped into Liam and he said his ex works at Big Brother and she told him the producer wants me on the show!! Can you believe that? I'm gonna be in the Holy Trinity—
heat,
Hello!, OK! Promise you won't do any sleazy kiss ‘n' tells. You two know all my dark secrets!!

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.09

Subject: tech inquiry

 

Can you talk to Andrew Clough and find out what he knows about electronic tags? I know his hedge-fund scammer was fitted with one when he was bailed pending appeal last year. I need suppliers and prices.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.10

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

This is LIAM we're talking about! He is the BIGGEST wind-up merchant in history. At Miller Shanks he sent an all-staffer announcing a royal visit from Wills to “inspect the new air conditioning.”

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Milton Keane

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.11

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Hilarious! Did you fall for it?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.12

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Do I look completely stupid? Of course not.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.14

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Not what I heard, Sooz! A dicky bird told me you turned up to work in a tiara and deb's gown! Anyway, Liam's being straight. His ex really does work at
BB
and I checked out the producer's details on the Endemol site. Who's coming for ramen to discuss nomination tactics and eviction outfits?!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.15

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Wait up! Starving! Could eat a horse (in a spicy ramen noodle soup, obviously!)

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.17

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Ted has given me stacks to do and I have to organize tonight's music recital. I won't be joining you for lunch to talk about a stupid
Big Brother
appearance that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! Liam's ex is probably in on it, you ninny! She used to work at Miller Shanks too and she's a cow. To be absolutely honest, Milton, you made yourself look silly enough on Monday and if you fall for this, you'll only make more of a prat of yourself.