e Squared (18 page)

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.54

Subject: Fido

 

Came up to see how your weekend was, but was driven away by the vicious bastard chained to your desk leg. What the hell are you doing with a pit bull, Liam? Is it a Lorraine substitute? Or, along with the clown, another of Ted's off-the-wall hirings? Or have you just gone completely mad?

 

And while I'm in question mode, how was your weekend?

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.03

Subject: Police

 

The police will be in shortly to investigate the missing copier (and sundry other items). Please make yourselves available should they wish to talk to you.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.04

Subject: Re: Fido

 

He's called Marcus Licinius Crassus (after the Roman general who defeated the slave army of Spartacus, obviously). I won him in a card game (against a Dalston chav with an OU degree in ancient history). Don't let the snarling put you off. He's a softie (unless you cross him). No interns took up my offer, so going walkies now. Might be some time.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.10

Subject: GIT briefing

 

Bit of a problem. Nearly everyone has refused to work on GIT. They say they won't do tobacco products. Only Zlatan, Adrijana and Harvey Harvey have signed the confidentiality agreements. I can't find Liam. Shall I ask Yossi and Mr. Fraggles to make up numbers at the briefing?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.12

Subject: Re: GIT briefing

 

Go round the department again and remind the sanctimonious twats that the money I pay them gives me ownership of their consciences. Round up Yossi and Fraggles. And find Liam. Tell the fucker that after the Winter Sun fiasco, he's on a yellow card. He's a sixty-a-day boy. He's not going to turn down free snouts.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.16

Subject: Re: New Face

 

Mr. Fraggles? Explain.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.32

Subject: Re: New Face

1. You've seen
Ocean's
11?
Like Danny and Rusty, I'm putting together a crack team of specialists that covers all possible bases.

2. You won't be carping when Mr. Fraggles wins a D&AD gold for Best Use of Spinning Bowtie in a Consumer Campaign.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.34

Subject: Re: New Face

 

Sorry, George Clooney. See you at 11.30.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.44

Subject: interns?

 

Any interns free to change Ted's bandage?

 

From:
Conchita

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.04

Subject: need lovin'

 

I am gorgeous bubbly teen who want make chat with you. Reply and we have good times.
[email protected].
My plump breasts ache to be touch.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Conchita, Carmen, Britney, Daniela, Roxette, Brigit and 553 others ...

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.13

Subject: Re: need lovin'

 

Hi girls! I can't keep up with all your chatty e-mails, so I thought I'd send you a group reply. I can't believe how many lonely girls there are out there. You need to get together and make friends. There are loads of chat rooms for teenagers. Or maybe you could start your own. I'm sure there are enough of you! Also, I notice that most of you complain about breast discomfort. I checked out some women's health sites. I found a couple of excellent ones.

On boobster in particular there are some pictures of extremely swollen breasts, so I'm sure there'll be helpful information there. Anyway, you all have each other's e-mail addresses now, so you've got no excuses. Go on, get chatting!

 

All the best

 

Harvey Harvey

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.21

Subject: Chav Central

 

I've got a bastard in Burberry who says he wants his dog back. He's holding Gibbon's
The History
of
the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire,
but I suspect it's not so much reading matter as an offensive weapon. It's precisely because of fuckers like him that I left Cork, so will someone get him out of my face? Please!

 

From:
Susi
Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Liam O'Keefe, Harvey Harvey, Zlatan Kovaćević, Adrijana Smiljanić, Yossi Mendoza, Mr Fraggles

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.24

Subject: GIT

 

The briefing is about to start. And if anyone sees Liam (who's not around, as usual), tell him Ted says he HAS to be there.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.31

Subject: Milton

 

He just rushed by my desk in floods. Wouldn't say a word. Now he's locked himself in CZ's office. What should I do??

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.32

Subject: Re: Milton

 

Got to do cookies and beverages for meeting. Be up as soon as I can get away.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.31

Subject: what happened?

 

Milton has just arrived back very upset. What happened with him and JC?

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.33

Subject: Re: what happened?

 

Not sure. JC's been in vile mood all morning. Had her door shut since your friend left and isn't taking calls. He did leave with a very wobbly lip. BTW, is he gay?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.35

Subject: Re: what happened?

 

OMG, he is so NOT gay. Did Janice say something fairy-phobic to him? It would totally explain why he's so upset.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.38

Subject: I'm out here with Susi ...

 

... and we only want to help, Milton. Since you're not answering the phone, we thought we'd give Cazza's e-mail a try. Please let us in.

 

Dotty + Sooz xxx

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.39

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am in Brighton with my twins, attending Tot Tycoons: Leadership Skills for Under-Fives. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on
[email protected]