e Squared (26 page)

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Comfort Ajegbo

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.56

Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir

Att:
all_my_personal_details.doc

 

Hi Comfort

 

I've prepared a Word document containing my personal details. You'll find all my bank account and credit-card numbers and passwords in there, as well as the other things you asked for such as passport and social security numbers. There are also some details you probably don't need (my
Dr. Who
site logon info and such like), but I thought it was better to have too much rather than too little. I also put in my home address, employer details and phone numbers. And my mum and dad's number is in there too because I often spend my weekends with them. I didn't include my PIN number, but just in case you need it, it's 1234. I made it easy as I have a terrible memory! If there is anything else I can do, give me a call any time of day or night. I am very worried about you, Comfort, and making sure you're safe is now my number-one priority.

 

I await news.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.06

Subject: Montana

 

Well, aren't you the comeback kid? Took Crutton and Gold through your Montana idea. Gold went the color of bleached pine. A definite positive—always like to have a suit nauseous at the prospect of the presentation. Crutton was immediately sold. Loves you as one of his own, geezer. Top marks.

 

One question between you and me: how much input did Harvey have in the idea? He's been increasingly AWOL lately, mentally speaking, and I'm beginning to suspect he might be one of my poorer decisions. Yeah, I do make them from time to time. Is this one completely off with the fucking fairies?

 

By the way, I'm taking DC to do a few rock walls tonight. Discovered a gem of an indoor climbing center in Manor House. Fancy hauling yourself up with us? You could do with some conditioning, you lardy tosspot.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.32

Subject: couple of small dilemmas

 

Life definitely on the up. Lorraine has agreed to meet for a drink and the Berry/Crutton Axis of Evil thinks sun shines out of my arse (which, incidentally, is growing increasingly flatulent. Is that a function of middle age?). TB, whom I will from hereon refer to as MMT (My Mate Ted), has even invited me to go climbing with him and Crutton. Should I say yes? I'm carrying a little extra weight these days and I'm likely to embarrass myself about six feet up.

 

Other dilemma: MMT asked me what I think of Harvey Harvey. My guess is he's considering giving him the heave-ho. Should I hit him with the truth, i.e. that Double H is a thoroughbred freakoid who belongs in (preferably heavily padded) residential care, or should I take pity and save his certifiable arse?

 

Yours in moral turmoil,

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.34

Subject:

 

Ted is taking me climbing tonight. Nip out to Lilywhite's and get me some suitable gear. You know my sizes.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.41

Subject: Re: couple of small dilemmas

 

Rock climbing: I've seen you shimmy up and down several drain-pipes. Beer gut or not, you've clearly got the genes of a mountain goat. You'll be fine. A few preparatory sit-ups might be in order though.

 

Harvey Harvey: you know what to do. Your guilty anguish ever since the thing with the thing shows you have at least the vestige of a conscience. Sounds like the kid needs a little care in the community and Allah (who is, it goes without saying, grrrrreat) has designated you as his district nurse.

 

Gotta go. You know how Vince gets if he misses happy hour.

 

PS: Don't hold out too much hope when you go out with Lorraine. Probably just wants money—you owe her a small fortune, don't you?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.47

Subject: Re: Montana

 

Thanks for the big-up, Ted. I'd love to come climbing. Always been a sport I've fancied a stab at. Do I need any special gear/knowledge of knots?

 

Harvey: I'll level with you. He did play a role in developing the Montana idea (though I led the way, obviously). He is an odd-ball, but he's mostly cool. Definitely someone you should keep around because he could deliver massively one day. You never know where the next “I'd like to Teach the World to Sing” is going to come from, do you?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'eefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.50

Subject: Re: Montana

 

Ta, geezer. I respect an honest opinion. I'll mark HH down as one to watch. No gear needed for later. Just bring tracky bottoms and nerves of high-tensile steel—I take no prisoners when I'm on the face. And I'll do the knots, thanks. I like you but I'm not gonna trust you with my life.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 14 January 2009, 16.57

Subject: You owe me

 

If Ted says well done on “our” Montana idea, you might want to say thanks and give him your most inane grin. He was being pretty down on you, so I gave you more credit than you're strictly due. I'm nice like that. Anyway, our relationship has now entered its
Godfather
phase. As in: “Someday, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me ...” Could be anything—crashing on your sofa, a lift to the airport, making the body of my first-born son fit to be seen by his mother. Just be prepared.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 17.05

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to help David practice knots? Former scouts/girl guides preferred.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 17.08

Subject: Interns?

 

Any particularly sturdy interns free to sit on my ankles while I do a couple of hundred ab crunches?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 17.15

Subject: Re: You owe me

 

Thank you, Liam. I'll be happy to do you a favor whenever you ask. I can't think why Ted isn't happy with me though. Any ideas?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 14 January 2009, 17.17

Subject: Re: You owe me

 

Not a clue, you mad fuck.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 17.55

Subject: Tonight's performance

 

Would everyone attending Yossi's premier of
Jinglonia
please make their way to reception. The performance will commence in five minutes.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 17.57

Subject: Re: Tonight's performance

 

Yes, do hurry along. A word of warning though: I've been obliged to listen to the warm-up.
Jinglonia,
AKA
Now That's What I Call
Shite. Bring your iPods, people.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton, Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 18.00

Subject: Where the fuck are you?

 

Sitting in the Cayenne waiting for you. Come on, guys, there's simulated rock to conquer.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 14 January 2009, 18.07

Subject: Milton mercy dash!

 

Are you ready? We'd better go now or we'll miss visiting hours.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 18.09

Subject: Re: Milton mercy dash!

 

I'm ready. I've ordered the JPG jacket in pink AND taupe and I've put together a goody bag of male grooming products. Would you describe his skin type as “greasy” or “combination?”

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 14 January 2009, 18.10

Subject: Re: Milton mercy dash!

 

More like “bruised.” Just bring both. Cab's waiting.