e Squared (16 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

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Milton Keane
Assistant to Caroline Zitter
 
From:
Brett Topolski
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.27
Subject: Lorraine
 
I don't know why I'm emailing you. I'm sure you've talked to her (because you know your Uncle Brett is ALWAYS right) and I bet you feel a whole heap better.
 
Vince and I are lying low today. Bit of a kerfuffle last night. You know that complex of artificial islands they're building in the shape of the world? Vince got a bit ADHD on whisky sours and emptied a very large dumper truck of rocks into the sea. Now the toe of Italy is sporting an outcrop that looks like a severely inflamed bunion. I've Google-Earthed it and you can see it from space. Dubai's Finest are out in force.
Allah G
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.38
Subject: Re: Lorraine
 
Your advice sucked. I will never take advice from you again. If I were standing on a cliff edge and you advised me not to jump, the jagged rocks at the bottom would suddenly seem as inviting as a feather-stuffed mattress. You are the steaming turd of advice-giving and my advice to you is to keep your fat fucking beak out of my business.
 
Antique ruby brooch
 
This item has been withdrawn and is no longer offered for sale.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.42
Subject: Re: Winter Sun
 
Review with Little Ted didn't go as well as hoped. We need to thrash out this recall ad. Clearly the best way to do this is by getting drunk in a major way. Aperitifs at the GIT party and on to the House. You're buying.
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: All Staff
Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.51
Subject: EMERGENCY!
 
I seem to have mislaid some champagne. I'm sure I put six cases in reception, but now there are only three. The party kicks off in a few minutes and if I can't find it, we're all going to have to make do with extra-orangey bucks fizz! Help!!!
 
Joseph Perrier Brut Royale
 
Item specifics: 3 cases (18 bottles) of this most excellent champagne. Would suit small wedding party. Or wino who has recently won on the dogs and has wearied of Special Brew.
 
Current bid:
£00.00
End time: 9d 23h 19m
Sunday
Mood: confessional
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Hornblower
11/01/09, 14.25 GMT
 
Crépuscule dans le Périgord
Partie 80: Je Suis Français
 
As a wine takes on
le caractère
of its cask, so have I acquired the personality of
mon milieu
de
choix.
I came to le Périgord determined to assimilate (or as
les
Françaises
would have it,
assimilate).
I was not going to be like those expatriates held in contempt by les
natifs.
You know the type: huddled in their cagoules, chuntering about the late arrival of the
Daily Mail
and the refusal of Monsieur l'Épicier to stock McVitie's Digestives, Cheezy Wotstits or some other miserable British titbit.
 
By contrast, I threw myself into
la vie.
La
chemise paysanne
became my default wardrobe and French my
langue maternelle,
even at home with Celine. In fact, my decision to respond to her twitterings only in French infuriated her until the day she left.
 
(By the way, you will be pleased to learn that
ma femme
has been in touch. She has delayed her return to be with her mother. She promises to come back as soon as the new hip has bedded in, and no later than August.)
 
Yesterday a
le
fromagerie I was vindicated in my resolution to blend. As I entered this wondrous grotto of cheese, old Mme Poincare affectionately introduced me to her new
l‘employée
du samedi as her “tarlouse anglaise,” and commanded the callow poppet to sell me “ce qu'on a de plus merdique.”
 
And when I returned to the homestead, Papin immediately picked up the heady bouquet of my near liquid
Carré de l‘Est.
“Je vois qu'elle t'a vendu celui qui pue comme un branleur de bougnoules,” he murmured approvingly.
 
Yes, I told him, only the very best for me,
un vrai Français.
blogass.co.uk
Posted by
Veiko Van Helden
11/01/09, 15.44 GMT
 
The underwears or not the underwears??
The big question for the crazy axe warrior of todays!
 
Many fans are writing me. Veiko, they are saying, are you wearing the underwears under the rock monster trouser? That is my secret that I am going to reveal to you now!
 
I tell you story. Two year ago I was lucky fucking bastard to get accesses all area pass for Provinssirock in Seinäjoki. As anyone tell you, this is great festival in Scandinavia. I see Hardcore Superstar, R.A.M.B.O., Spazz, you fucking name it, dude. Best ever was legendary Saxon. My dad Pertti turn me on when I was kid and I love them. I see their set and they blow me away. Then we go to party in Winnebago of the great Nigel Glockler. Fucking WOW!! I am in same room as legend Saxon drum slayer Nigel “Cock Blocker” Glockler!!! I get the courage to ask him sign my codpieces. He write his name and when I turn away he say, “VPL, dude.” I do not know what he mean (my English not so excellent back in that day)
 
It is later when I hear VPL mean Visible Panty Line! I tell you I was massive embarrass big time. The mythic Cock Blocker can see my underwears through my super-tight jean with 20% Lycra!!!!
 
Since that day I never again wear the underneath pants. Now you know the truth! It take the getting used to coz man as big as me (you know what I am saying??!!) have to find the new place for parking his cucumber of cum. But now I never changing back. The underwears is for the squares.
 
Excepting this day. This day I am wearing under the trouser a lady thong make out of red satin and laces. I know what you thinking. You thinking Veiko turning into homo bot boy transvestist. No fucking way, dude. The lady thong is souvenir from babe I make slurpy noise with. I take her to the places she never been and after she get back the consciousness she give me the panty. Thanks you for the memory, sweet fuck of mine!
 
Rokk till your spleen go splat!
Comment posted by
jesus666:
Underwear suck. DEATH TO UNDERWEAR!
Going outside to burn ALL MY UNDERWEAR!!
 
Comment posted bv
NoahsDark:
Love your blogs, man. Your MySpace is cool too. Thanx for the freebie downloads. Nuns with Cocks rock!! When are you gonna get a deal so we can download ALBUMS?! And when are Dethrush gonna play the UK? Want to come to Finland to see you but my mum says I have to do my A levels first. I'd ignore her but she's pregnant and acting schizo.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.01
Subject: GIT
 
About to board the plane home, but I wanted to let you know what an excellent time I've had. Galax is a remarkable town. Everything revolves around the cigarette plant and Carter Bluewash, CEO and President, runs the place like a medieval prince. Despite being elderly and somewhat frail, he has an intensely hands-on management approach that we could all learn from.
 
The man loves me and he wants to put his corporation's money where his mouth is. The GIT marketing budget is trousertighteningly gargantuan, but given the global restrictions on cigarette promotion, they have few ways of spending it. Our mission is to help them find more.
 
For starters, he's given me a very exciting new product brief. Details when I get back. It's a major challenge, but if we meet it head on there'll be plenty more where that came from.
 
It gets better. Carter's brother, Clinton, is President of American Standard Systems (manufacturers of everything from child car seats to missile-guidance software and cluster bombs, and another untapped goldmine in marketing terms). I met him at the Annual Virginia Baccy Barons' Ball last night and he's going to be watching our progress on GIT with interest. This has been an extremely productive trip!
 
By the way, if by some freak chance you should talk to Caroline and you happen to mention ASS, probably best to stress the car seats rather than the weapons systems. See you Monday bright and early.
 
Sent from my BlackBerry
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.05
Subject:
 
Hi Jan—they'll be calling my flight any minute, but I wanted to check in before I leave. If I make my connection at Dulles, I should be back in London first thing tomorrow. Thought I'd go straight to the office—you guys won't be home anyway—but I'll definitely get away early.
 
We parted on poor terms, but please can we make a fresh start? I really want to put last week behind us. I'll even go to prenatal classes. How about it?
 
Love to Noah and Tamara. And to you.
Sent from my BlackBerry
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.18
Subject:
 
Hi Paula—really sorry to bother you on a Sunday. I know you've got a house full of relatives, but I need you to pass on a message to David. Just paste the text below onto a new e-mail and add the usual preamble and sign off. Thanks and sorry again—Janice x
Ms. Crutton wishes to inform you that, at the age of forty-five and being in possession of two children already, she knows all she needs to know about pregnancy and labor. You, however, having been a non-attendee at the births of said children, might find the prenatal course to be instructive.
 
From:
Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.21
Subject: Re: GIT
 
Yo geezer. You won't fucking believe this. Writing e at 2000m strapped to hang glider! !Phones are the dog's bollocks. You're never fucking offline. Great news on GIT. Look forward to debrief. Gotta go. Just spotted thermal. Beattie's at 3500m. Can't let the cunt beat me to new Brit alt. rec.
Sent from my !Phone
Monday
Mood: lilac.
Or paisley. No, definitely lilac. OMG, it's so hard to decide, isn't it?
From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 08.48
Subject: Ted
 
Ted sprained his ankle in a hang-gliding incident at the weekend and needs to keep his foot on his desk to minimize swelling. Can anyone who needs to see him please schedule meetings in his office?
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
 

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