e Squared (40 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

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From:
RÃ³isÃn O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.07

Subject: WTF??

Has someone grown their own personal werewolf up there? Some of us are trying to drink our lattes in peace and could do without the howls of anguish, thanks.

RÃ³isÃn

Reception

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.11

Subject: Looks like our thief is back

Hi, Sal. Think you'd better get up here quick. David's office has sort of gone missing.

From:
RÃ³isÃn O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.14

Subject: FYI

The Serbs have skedaddled up to the management suite like a crack SWAT team and reception is unmanned. I'd say this is the perfect time for any stationery thieves/drug mules to nip in or out.

RÃ³isÃn

Reception

From:
Katie Espiner

To: Aislinn Casey

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.15

Subject: Oh bugger

Lazza's being a total bollock head. He wants me to fly to France to sign up some cretinous blogger. The man's a total perv as well. Not Larry, the blogger. Better cancel synchronized swimming tonight. Soz.

From:
Katie Espiner

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.17

Subject: Interns?

Any interns free to edit the new Sophie Kinsella? Should be an absolute doddleâshe can spell and everything.

Katie Espiner

Senior Commissioning Editor

Transworld Publishers

From:
Aislinn Casey

To: Alison Martin, Sophie Holmes, Kate Samano, Katie Espiner, Charlotte Nash, Emma Buckley, Lydia Newhouse, Gavin Hilzbrich [Transworld SynchroStarz]

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.21

Subject: Tonight's practice

Sorry, girls (and guy), but tonight's session is canceled. Katie can't make it and you won't need reminding what happened the last time we tried to perform without our glorious leader! But anyone who wants to get in some private pool time, go for it. The Publishers Association Annual Swimming Gala is less than six weeks away and those eggbeaters and flamingos need work (naming no names, Gavin)!

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.42

Subject: Godley

I've given this morning's incident a great deal of thought. I disagree with you. This is not Godley's get-out-of-jail card. He's clearly cleverer than we gave him credit for. What we failed to get out of him in his supposedly “full” confession was the name of his accomplice. Between them they've made the fatal error of upping the stakes. Have Slobodan bulk up his team. Tell him I want every staff member interrogated before end of play tomorrow.

And get me some furniture. Zitter's never here. Raid her office.

From:
David Crutton

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.47

Subject: An open letter

Dear Thieving Scum

Now you have gone too far. You are an oozing pustule, one that resides in the sweaty arse-cleft of society. I hereby serve notice that you are about to be lanced, and it will not be pleasant. For you, that is. I, on the other hand, will enjoy the process immensely.

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.58

Subject:

Get me coffee. And pictures of Beckham. Stripped off. I need to see his tattoos.

From:
David Crutton

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.08

Subject: Guidelines

As you know, the President of GIT and his team are in today for an extremely important presentation. With the aim of creating the most favorable impression, I have a few guidelines that I ask you all to adhere to:

1. I know it's the time of year for “sniffles,” but please stifle your coughs. Nothing must be allowed to draw attention to the alleged “health issues” that beset decent, law-abiding cigarette manufacturers.

2. Under no circumstancesâand I cannot stress this strongly enoughârefer to our client as git. The company's American representatives are oblivious to the word's usage on this side of the Atlantic, but its British ones certainly aren't, and they are understandably sensitive on the matter. The company will be referred to either as G.I.T. (pronounced gee-eye-tee) or by its full name of Galax (pronounced Gay-lax) International Tobacco.

3. Any of you that have embarked upon the annual January folly of “giving up” are required to hide all quitting aids (nicotine gum, patches, inhalers, etc.) in your desk drawers.

4. Check all work surfaces and bulletin boards for Department of Health anti-smoking propaganda and take it to the shredder.

5. For heaven's sake, look busy.

If we all pull together, we will succeed in the crucial mission of bedding in this highly lucrative piece of business.