e Squared (6 page)

Authors: Matt Beaumont

BOOK: e Squared

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Tell me, how is your boss planning to present the EsmÃ©e Ãloge work without the actual work? He's either a genius or a complete twat. Let him know I want a full debrief the second he returns.

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.25

Subject:

if back from coffee run need you do e

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.29

Subject: Re: EsmÃ©e Ãloge

If EsmÃ©e Ãloge had wanted “conservative,” they'd have gone to Miller Shanks. They came here because they wanted outer-rim thinking and I'm fucked if I'm going to disappoint them.

On your second point, Yossi is here because I intend to restore the jingle to its rightful position in British advertising. Some cunt is going to produce the next Shake ân' Vac and I intend that cunt to be working at Meerkat360.

Capisce?

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.31

Subject: C word again!

Twice in one e!!! Feel so tainted.

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.33

Subject: Re: C word again!

Remember what I told you. Ted is just a naughty potty mouth and he gets a kick out of upsetting you. The best way to beat him is to rise above it. Be strong, Sooz. And maybe book a soothing sesh in the Think Tank.

From:
David Crutton

To: Neil Godley

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.34

Subject: Re: hairdressing privileges

Discussions on the status of the office hairdresser are ongoing. In the meantime, I suggest you forgo the trim. By the way, if you bother me with this crap again I will come down to the basement and cut your hair myself. Nicky Clarke I'm not.

From:
David Crutton

To: Alex Sofroniou

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.35

Subject: why isn't this bollocks sorted out yet?

From:
David Crutton

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.36

Subject:

I sent you an e-mail on Christmas Day. A response this month would be nice.

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009,11.37

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

I am out of the office attending Business Goals Through Buddhism III. I will return on Wednesday 7th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on
[email protected].

From:
Kazu Makino

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.38

Subject: Re: EsmÃ©e Ãloge

Hi David. Donald had the boards redone over the Christmas break. He made a call to check out the lighting in the Rotterdam meeting room and felt a matte finish would work better than gloss for presentation purposes. Hope this is OK.

Kazu Makino

Assistant to Donald Gold & Bill Geddes

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.55

Subject: Don

He's hysterical. Has he always been like this about flying?

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.59

Subject: Re: Don

His fear of flying is matched only by his terror of spiders. He has a recurring nightmare about flying long haul and being served chicken/beef by a tarantula dressed as a stewardess.

From:
Alex Sofroniou

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.11

Subject: Re: why isn't this bollocks sorted out yet?

Hi David. Sorry for the delay in replyingâseveral server issues to resolve. Changing the signature protocol for department heads requires agreement from the partners. In the meantime, I can change the typeface. Some suggestions:

Personally, I like Lewinsky (second from bottom). It has a certain cool modernity and the italic suggests restless dynamism. Let me know what you want to do.

From:
David Crutton

To: Alex Sofroniou

Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.18

Subject: Re: why isn't this bollocks sorted out yet?

What is it with this collective decision-making? It worked for about ten minutes in post-revolutionary Russia before common sense prevailed in the shape of Stalin. It doesn't work at all here. I'll have to do something about it, won't I? For now, I'll go with the bottom one. There's something pleasingly despotic about it.

From:
Alex Sofroniou

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.23

Subject: Re: why isn't this bollocks sorted out yet?

It's called Blackmoor. I'll action it ASAP.

From:
Neil Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.31

Subject: FYl

I will not be at my workstation between 1.00 and 2.00, since I am obliged to leave the building to obtain a haircut. I apologize for any inconvenience caused by my unscheduled absence.

Neil Godley (Accounts)

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.38

Subject: Noah

Just had a call from him. He's with the school nurse. He didn't make much sense but it seems there was some sort of explosion in the science lab. He said he has no eyebrows. Can you go and pick him up? I'd go, but I'm due in court at two.

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 12.44

Subject: Re: Noah

It's only his eyebrows. Can't he catch a bus? And at his age I'd have killed to spend time with the school nurse. The boy's wrong in the head.