e (11 page)

If you’d like to discuss this further, please call me.

	David Crutton – 1/4/00, 11:57am
to:	Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re:	Coke

I believe I asked you to have a draft of the Coke presentation on my desk first thing this morning. Where the fuck is it? When I joined this company I only agreed to keep you on because you let Jim Weissmuller use your house in Tuscany. If you can’t deliver a few simple pie charts on time, why am I bothering?

By the way, you can keep your secretary. I was reminded that the silly tart’s antics with a tequila bottle last year nearly started Gulf War II.

	Brett Topowlski – 1/4/00, 11:59am
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	IT’S A RECORD BREAKER

If you happen to go into stall 2 in the gents on the creative floor, please
do not
flush. The
Guinness Book of World Records
has been informed.

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/4/00, 12:02pm
to:	Carla Browne
cc:
re:	Coke

Please can you get a bloody move on with the Coke presentation? I would like to remind you that it was only my pleadings that saved your job last year after the Arabian Airways débâcle. If a few simple pie charts are causing so much trouble, I am not sure why I bothered.

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 12:05pm
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	IT’S A RECORD BREAKER

I’m sorry to be a party pooper, but your all-staff note doesn’t represent the most productive use of company e-mail. I have had a number of complaints from those offended by your lavatorial humour. Maybe I’m misunderstanding and you are simply performing a valuable service by highlighting some defective plumbing. If this is the case, my apologies, and perhaps a simple note to Ken Perry would suffice.

	Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 12:09pm
to:	Zoë Clarke
cc:
re:	fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

God, you won’t fucking believe what’s happening!!! Just got an e from stupid bloody Rachel telling me I’m not being offered the job with Crettin any more!!!!! Just because of that stupid thing with the Arabs!!!! It wasn’t my fault – those tequilas were spiked. I honestly thought it was forgotten. Can you believe it?!!!! I feel so humiliated!!!! It’s not that I was going to take the stupid job – who’d want to work for that git anyway?!!!!! It’s the bloody principle!!!! Do you think I can sue for false mis-representation? Can we go to Bar Zero for lunch? I really need your support right now!!! Cxxx

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 12:11pm
to:	Zoë Clarke
cc:
re:	job changes

Unfortunately, Carla Browne’s move to David Crutton’s office didn’t pan out as we’d hoped. However, David would very much like you to
consider the position yourself. Obviously it would represent a big change for you and I’m sure you’d like to talk about it. Perhaps you could give me a call and we can find a time.

	Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 12:13pm
to:	Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re:	job changes

On my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 12:14pm
to:	Carla Browne
cc:
re:	fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

God, you poor fucking cow!!! This place doesn’t deserve you!!!!!! Got to do some mega-urgent copying now!!!!! The stupid hippie is screaming for it!!!! I’d ask Susi to help, if she wasn’t such a bitch!!!!! See you at lunch – you need a friend right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

	[email protected] 1/4/00, 12:30pm (2:30pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	Coke

So, you await for your Coca-Cola documentation? Oh, how I sympathise with your plight! Before Christmas already I am asking for new lightbulbs in the executive toilet, and still I am dangling. Both cubicles one and two are in gloomiest black pitchness and it is only because I did so much night training during my national service that I am able to avoid brown-staining embarrassment!

Perhaps we should place the issue of staff respondingness at the
top of the agenda at the forthcoming Miller Shanks CEO Conference in Waikiki.

Aloha! Pertti

	Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 2:23pm
to:	Carla Browne
cc:
re:	this shit hole!!!!