DUBIOUS (17 page)

“
Shall we order?” Talisa said, surprising us both. Her smile, however, said it all: I was about to start babbling and possibly say some of the things that were on the tip of my tongue.

I got control of my feelings. “I agree. You’re a busy man. We don’t want to hold you any longer than necessary.”

Sherman nodded his head in agreement as we all raised our menus.

CHAPTER 19

In spite of the poison running through my brain and sluggish body from a long weekend of drinking, I managed to get out of the house by nine Monday morning to speak with one of the counselors at DeVry Institute. I was looking to join a group of like-minded students whose focus was exchanging information and passing the CPA exam. I knew that I would have to treat this test like a twelve-step program if I had any hope of passing it.

An overweight Hispanic woman greeted me when I walked through the door of the counselor’s office. “Hi, can I help you?”

“
I hope so. I’ve been out of school for a minute, and I am looking to take my CPA exam.”

“
Do you have a copy of your transcripts?”

“
Yes, I do.” I pushed the envelope containing my transcripts across her desk. My grades weren’t perfect, but at least I finished college.

“
I see you graduated in 2003. What have you been doing since then?”

“
Nothing remotely close to accounting.” I couldn’t help but notice that she looked like J.Lo on saturated fat.

“
I see.”

She took a minute and studied my transcripts. I was hoping nothing in my scores would reveal just how much I hated accounting. This wasn’t about finding something that I liked to do, it was about finding something that would pay the bills until I could do something better.

She gave me back my transcripts. “Have you taken any of the test yet?”

“
No. This will be my first time.”

“
Good. As you may know, testing is only available at certain times of the year. If you start now, you should be ready, based on your transcripts, to take the test during the April or May sessions.”

“
That’s what I’m hoping for.”

“
We have a group that is getting started at the end of the week. It’s a small group, and I will be one of the instructors. The course is five hundred dollars, but I believe you will find the information that is covered will be well worth it.”

I didn’t expect the class to be free, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for the five-hundred-dollar price tag. My mind wandered as I tried to think of someone who would be willing to spot me the money.

“
This fee covers the cost of course materials and application fee.”

“
I already have the materials for the test. I just need some assistance organizing my thoughts to prepare for the test and some coaching on what I can expect.”

“
Good then, the study materials make up the bulk of the fees,” she said. “If your materials are less than five years old, you can get started for $150. Are you prepared to get started today?”

“
Uh … I need—”

“
Why don’t you think about it. We are only taking six students so there are two more slots available. If you decide this is something that you want to do, call me in the morning. I will make sure you get in.”

“
I appreciate that, Ms….”

“
Call me Ladona.”

“
Thanks, Ladona. I just need to make a few phone calls, and I can get back with you later today.”

“
That’s fine. We will be here until five o’clock. Take this application with you, fill out the forms, bring us your check, and we will be all set. The classes meet twice weekly at six o’clock for two hours on Mondays and Thursdays. Attendance is not mandatory, but no refunds will be given after the first class.”

“
Okay. I’ll bring my paperwork back later today. Thanks.” I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. Now I just hoped that Kelvin would front me the money since it was his idea that I go back and finish up the course.

* * *

I had nothing left to do with the rest of my day. I didn’t really want to go home and park myself in front of the television. I was feeling inspired, a strange feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Without even allowing myself to think, I drove to Felicia’s office. I felt like sharing with the woman that I’d spent most of my adult life with. I probably should have stopped to think about what my visit would mean to her, but I was riding on a cloud.

It was times like this that I had forgotten she was no longer my right arm. I rushed into her office expecting the same secretary and prompt recognition as to who I am. None of that happened. Instead I was given the hand by some knucklehead while she finished a phone conversation. I was jumping from foot to foot eager to share my plans.

After a few more intolerable minutes, her secretary finally hung up the phone. “Can I help you?”

Her face looked familiar, but I could not exactly place it. Her cool tone suggested that she had no idea who I was.

“
Yes, I’d like to see Felicia.”

She started browsing through an appointment book. “Do you have an appointment?”

“
Uh … no. I was just in the neighborhood.”

“
And your name is?”

“
Uh … Randy.”

Her eyebrows raised as if a bell was finally going off in her head, but she still treated me in an impersonal manner. She turned away from me as if I would learn some trade secret and dialed a number. When she hung up, she turned back to me. “She will be out to see you in a few minutes.”

“
Thanks.” Fear slapped me in the face. What was I doing here? We were no longer a couple and haven’t really been in years. Why did I feel compelled to share with her? ’
Cause the damn dog would not understand
. This thought alone almost made me bolt from the room. Felicia hadn’t mentioned the tapes yet, so there was still a chance I could get them before she watched them.

Felicia opened her office door. “Randy, what are you doing here?”

“
I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to drop by. Do you have time for me?”

There was a pregnant pause before she invited me into her office. I guess if I were thinking straight, I would have ran the hell up out of her office. My mind wasn’t working properly, though.

“
I have a few minutes. Come on in.”

I followed behind her, closing the door behind me. “You look great, Felicia.”

“
I guess I should I say thanks?”

“
I know this is difficult, but regardless of everything that has gone on, I still love you. When something good goes on in my life, I need to share it with you. I hope you don’t mind.” I was giddy with excitement.

“
When you put it that way, I can’t help but to be curious.” She sat down behind her huge desk.

“
Damn, I just realized what I’m doing. I’m coming to you like you’re still my wife. You must hate me for that. Damn, how did I fuck up so bad?”

“
I ask myself that every day.”

“
I don’t know what to say. Deep in my heart we are still connected. I don’t have someone else that I’m trying to holla at; it was never about another woman.”

“
I guess that is good news. Randy, I am trying real hard not to be mad at you and to be civil, but this shit eats me up. If I knew what I did wrong, I could accept it better.”

I took a deep breath. “Felicia, it was never about you. Can’t you see that? You were perfect.”

“
Then why the fuck did we end up with a divorce?” She didn’t attempt to hide the venom in her words. She was hurt and that pain was transferred onto me ’cause I had caused this shit.

“
I wish I had an answer for you. It’s like I woke up one day and didn’t recognize myself. I felt like I was drowning. Can you understand that?”

She didn’t say anything for a few minutes. She started walking back and forth. I knew the expression on her face. I knew she was wound tighter than the strings of a guitar. I wanted—no scratch that—I needed to hear how she felt, but I was scared how the words would affect me. Suddenly, she sat down. When she did, my heart sank. The look on her face was of defeat. It hurt me to know this woman so well that I felt the disconnect by one look into her eyes.

She said, “What do you want from me? I’m trying so hard to be civil to you, but I can’t be your fucking friend.”

“
Felicia, please—”

“
Felicia my ass. I’ve played the pitiful bitch before, and I hated the part. I don’t have to beg a nigga to love me.”

Her voice was getting kind of loud, and I was thankful that I had shut the door when I entered her office.

“
I’ll always love you,” I practically whispered the words, hoping she would follow my lead.

“
If you loved me, answer this question. Why are you living some fucking place else?” her voice raised two octaves higher.

Damn, she took it there. I couldn’t answer her questions because I didn’t know myself. How could I explain what had happened to me without appearing to be less than a man?

“
What, cat got your fucking tongue?”

“
Felicia, can you speak to me without cussing? It’s not a good fit for you.”
Why the fuck did I say that?

Ole girl morphed right before my eyes: horns grew out her head and wings sprouted out her back. This was not the conversation that I had intended to have with her.

“
Are you out your motherfucking mind? What the hell do you want from me? I cannot be your fucking friend. Do you hear me? I was your wife for Christs’ sake! How can you expect me to sit back and allow you to walk in my office like I’m one of your boys and shit when I used to suck your dick? Do you know how stupid that makes me feel knowing that you peed with that shit?”

She had hurt me more with those words than any of the crummy shit I could have come up with to degrade myself. I lowered my head into my hands. I could not believe that my life had taken such a drastic change. She was my bottom bitch, and I had demoted her for a fucking dog. How could I explain that shit? I’ll never redeem myself from that faithless moment. I only have this moment. “I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.”

“
Is that why you are here … to apologize? I could have done without that shit.”

“
Please stop. I didn’t come here to reenact shit. I came because deep down inside I still love you; you are connected with me. I wanted to share with you the good things that are happening in my life.” I couldn’t look at her.

“
Why do you think I care?”

“’
Cause you are not the type of woman to shut that shit off right away. You will care because that’s how you are. Are you dating someone?”

“
That is none of your business.”

“
That haircut looks great on you. What made you decide to do that after all these years?”

“
I needed to change some things in my life, and my appearance was the first thing.”

I thought about what she said. “I take that onE personal.”

“
Yes it was. Prior to your little announcement, I was happy. Happy with my life and my appearance.”

“
What I’m going through has nothing to do with you.”

“
Funny, I feel like it has everything to do with me.”

“
Are you ready to tell me, honestly, what it is that you are going through?”

“
Uh … it’s complicated. I don’t really understand it myself. If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t been with any other woman.”

“
No, that doesn’t make me feel better. Sorry. Look, if you came here for a feel-better pill, I’m all out.” She gave me a look that was unfamiliar.

I hung my head trying desperately to find something else to say that would take the venom out of her mouth. “Hey, I took your advice: I’m back in school; I’m going to take the test finally.”

“
Good for you,” she said sarcastically.

I didn’t expect her to do cartwheels or anything like that, but I did expect her to be at least a little happy with me for finally growing up. “I know it took me a minute to get myself together, baby, but I’m on my way.”

“
Baby? You divorced your
baby
if I’m not mistaken.”

I stood up. Clearly I was wrong in coming to her for the encouragement I needed. I had pissed away any chances of that. “I’m sorry to have bothered you. Have a nice life.” I grabbed the door and made no attempt not to slam it shut. Gone was the high that I had floated into her office with. IT was replaced with self-loathing for all the pain I had caused Felicia. If I only knew how to make it right for her, I would do it. Problem was I didn’t know what was right.

CHAPTER 20

“
Randy, wait,” I CALLED after him as he exited my office. My head was tilted on the door for support.

He spun around. His face hopeful.

“
Please come back in.”

He followed me back into the office, and I closed the door. I didn’t want to air our dirty laundry all over my office. “I’ve been acting on emotion ever since you announced you wanted a divorce.” I paused to collect my thoughts. “The hardest thing for me to understand is why; and as a result, I lashed out at you every chance I got. I’m sorry about that. If there was something that I wasn’t doing to make you happy, then you have every right to move on. So from this point on, I’m going to try to put this whole nasty thing behind us.” It took a lot for me to say that.