Dreams~Shadows of the Night (26 page)

“If that were true I would have been able to make you stay. You’ve hurt me too deeply and too often. I’ve been punished by your leaving and then coming back only to reject me. I prayed for your safe return, but in the end nothing ended up being right.”

“That’s because I’ve acted so stupidly, but I’m here to change all that. Give me the opportunity to make it up to you. I know I can do better this time.”

She shook her head.

“You’re too late, I no longer want you.”

His entire body seemed to clench at her words.

“You can’t mean that.”

“Haven’t you listened to anything I’ve said? You think I haven’t suffered? I had nightmares; terrible visions of you in torment. Do you have any idea what it was like knowing you were in pain and not being able to do anything to help you?”

“But can’t you see that proves we share a special
link?”

“That’s not the way I see it. I’m the one who felt the link, but it was one-sided. You’ve made it impossible for me to get you out of my heart and let anyone else in.”

“I don’t want another man having you because I
can’t make myself want anyone else,
either. That’s why I was so possessive of you. I didn’t doubt you. I was mistrusting myself. I know it was wrong to treat you that way, but I was afraid of losing you. If you need more time, I’ll give it to you, but please don’t send me away for good.”

“I have to for both our sakes because I don’t believe you can really change. We’ll end up driving each other insane the way your feelings vacillate. Whatever honest love I thought I received from you I felt like I had to steal.
God, I sound as pathetic as
Robyn.”

“Something that’s freely given isn’t stealing.”

“That’s the big problem. You want my body, but you don’t give your love freely.”

“I am now. I want all of you and I want to give all of myself to you in return.”

“If you really meant that you wouldn’t be
so easily
influenced by your mother – and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“I told you I’ve changed. Give me the opportunity to prove it to you. You loved me once. I’m asking you to give that love another chance.”

“I can’t,” she whispered heartbroken, knowing she was letting him slip away.

The muscles in his throat
contracted
as he swallowed.

“Can’t, or won
’
t?”

“What difference does it make? If something gets broken often enough you eventually end up with too many pieces to be able to have anything worth keeping. Past events should convince you of the impossibility to mend our relationship.”

“Then we’ll forget about reviving old hurts and start building new, happier memories. I tried living without you before and it wasn’t living. I don’t think I can go through that again. One more chance; that’s all I’m asking of you, Catherine.”

She’d spent her career administering to the needs of others, but now she longed to be comforted herself.

“We had our time together, but now it’s over.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“I can’t help it. I don’t have the emotional strength for this anymore, Josh.”

“What more can I say to make you change your mind?”

“I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to leave. I’m tired of playing this same scene between us. Maybe you enjoy being a masochist, but I don’t.”

He stayed very still for several seconds looking at her, as though he might be imprinting her image on his brain.

“
I’ll go, but I wonder if you’re ever going to be able to forgive me for ignoring your warning not to go to the Amazon.”

“Can you forgive yourself?” she countered.

He flinched. “Touché. I
f you change your mind I’ll be at the motel where I stayed when I came back from
Alaska
.
My land
lord’s having my apartment painted.”

She nodded toward the little figurine. “Don’t forget to take that.”

“Let it stay and allow me the small pleasure knowing that it’s here with you.”

She watched him leave. She’d made him beg and she hated herself for it. The man had bared his soul to her and s
he’d be
en cruel. Not
for revenge or to punish
, but to protect them both, she reassured herself
.
She picked up his little frog.

“If I kiss you, will you turn into my real prince?” she murmured past the emotion that clogged her throat.

Chapter Twenty
-t
hree

Josh knew this had been his last chance to win Catherine back and he’d failed, but there was still a part of him that couldn’t help but cling to hope. As slender as that hope might be it was all he had left. God knows not every path was smooth enough to lead a way free of uncertainties. The hardships he’d endured in the jungle and now this new trouble made him more aware than ever that life was not a journey without peril.

He thought of the little frog he’d left with Catherine. It took more than manmade symbols of good luck to protect against pitfalls, but each individual chooses their own way and certainly some more wisely than he had. Hadn’t he wasted enough time wandering around taking too many wrong turns like a blind man bumping into walls?

Catherine was the most important person in his life and yet he had allowed his mother’s poisonous lies and his own jealousy to undermine their relationship until he’d destroyed her love for him. Her dismissal had hurt even more than he’d imagined it would. The pain chipped away at him, sharp edged and unrelenting. He knew he was strong enough now not to go to pieces as he’d done before, but he still felt mired in misery at her rejection.

When she hadn’t contacted him by the end of the third day, Josh was so distraught it felt as though the walls were closing in on him. Not knowing where to go or what to do, he drove around until he found himself at the ocean. He parked and walked down to the sand. A brisk wind blew off the water bringing with it the salty scent of the sea. It ruffled his hair and made his clothes flap against him
while
bit
ing
into his thin jacket
.

He let himself slip back in time to recall a day he’d spent here
with Catherine.

They’d
played in the gentle waves splashing like children before chasing each other out of the water where they laid
on a blanket and basked
in the sun. But t
here was no sun now and the clouds had begun to chase across the sky
with an approaching storm.

The first rumble of thunder and ensuing flash of lightening startled him out of his reverie. Josh knew he should seek shelter before the rain came, but he couldn’t summon up the energy to move. He was tired. Tired of always running, trying to find his niche in life. Now that he finally knew where he wanted to be, it was too late. What he needed only Catherine could give, but she no longer wanted what he had to offer.

Filled with the utter fruitlessness of his attempt to win her over, Josh stood there with his feet anchored to the sand. He stared with impassive eyes, as angry gray waves rushed in to assault the shore. He couldn’t make out where the sky ended and the sea began. Lights blinking from a ship in the far distance reminded him of how Tom used to joke and say if he had the guts he would get on a freighter and sail around the world.

Thoughts of him filled Josh with fresh guilt. No one could have asked for a truer friend, but he had taken Tom’s faithfulness for granted. The thought of his own selfish behavior disgusted him. As his feelings of misery increased, he sank down until his knees pressed into the sand. Josh was never more acutely aware that he carried the burden of needing his friend’s forgiveness than at this very moment.

“I’m sorry for being such a lousy friend, Tom,” he whispered in a strangled voice.

He knelt there with his head bowed low while his fingers gripped handfuls of sand.
Everything he’d hoped for and everything he had been through meant
nothing now.
He felt so utterly alone it was as though the entire world had shut him out leaving him in total isolation.

He looked up as the sliver of moon suddenly broke free from the dense cloud cover. The light reflected on the water like a shimmering path that seemed to suddenly be beckoning to him. Josh struggled to his feet reeling from the raw force of his emotions and the wind that buffeted against him. He moved toward the water’s edge feeling immune to the rain that had begun to fall in large drops striking his body, soaking him.

Waves rose and fell in their ancient rhythm with long foamy fingers that gripped the beach and rolled back only to claw their way forward again. They seemed to be reaching out, luring him ever closer toward the mysteriousness of their domain.

Maybe Tom had the right idea. When you realized you can’t have the one person in the world you want to share the rest of your life with what was the point of going on without them? He pictured his future stretching out before him solitary and bleak. He’d had enough experience living a half-life to know it wasn’t something to look forward to.

Mesmerized by the hypnotic surf, Josh began to move closer to the water and stopped at the edge where the sea licked at his feet. He kicked off his shoes and twisted out of his jacket. He vaguely realized he couldn’t
distinguish the difference between the roaring of the sea and the
pounding inside his head, as he stepped into the water.

>>>>dreams<<<<

Jenny watched
Douglas
from beneath her lashes. He’d been pacing around the apartment like a caged animal for most of the morning and she’d grown tired of waiting for him to tell her what had him so stirred up.

“Okay, enough already. What’s wrong?”

He jolted to a stop and blinked at her.

“What do you mean?”

“When you pace like you’ve been doing I know something is bothering you. Either tell me what it is and stop wearing a hole in the floor, or please go outside.”

He gave her a sheepish smile.

“You’re too perceptive for my own good.”

“I don’t know about that, but I do know something is worrying you, as I said and I’d like to help you if I can.”

“It’s Josh,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“What about him? Have you heard something I don’t know? Is he all right?”

“That’s just it; I don’t know. I expected to hear from him by now. I told you he’d called me. I asked him to keep me informed how things went after he met with his lady friend Catherine, but it’s been too long now. I’m beginning to think his silence is a bad omen. I can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong.”

“They’re probably so wrapped up in each other he just forgot. I think you’re fretting over nothing.” She patted the sofa. “Come sit down now,” she urged.

“I’m too worked up to sit. I can’t stop thinking about how he questioned me concerning his mother’s interference. It sounded like she’s caused a great deal of trouble between him and Catherine. Apparently he had a lot of ugly accusations to answer for
,
and I’m worried he wasn’t able to repair the damage enough to get her to marry him.”

“Oh dear, that would be a shame. I remember that’s all he could talk about on the plane coming back from
South America
.”

“I know. T
hat’s what keeps cropping up in my mind. He’s in love with that girl and
despite what Mrs. Dallas said to me, I’d like to believe the feeling is mutual. I’ve never been one to interfere when I’m not wanted, but I don’t like to ignore my gut feelings, either.”

“That makes me think of a line from Shakespeare’s King Lear.”

He cocked a brow.

“Which one?”

“
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say
,” she recited and handed him their personal telephone book. “If you believe he’s in trouble and you think you can help, then do what you can to make things right. Those two people deserve to be together.”

>>>>dreams<<<<

Catherine left work and stared up at the leaden sky that matched her mood. Rain had threatened all day and as she hurried to her car the first drops began to fall. A few escaped inside her coat collar and sent cold chills down her back. She slid inside her car just as the sky opened up and seconds later began to rapidly pour forth a torrent of water.

Her mind had been in turmoil ever since Josh’s visit, wondering if she’d done the right thing in sending him away. To make matters worse, she’d started having bad dreams about him again; visions of him kneeling and in emotional pain. What was it about the man that affected her like this? It was like a strange kind of psychic connection.

She still wasn’t convinced that he was ready to make their relationship the priority it
deserved. But she was afraid she’d continue to have these dreams about him if they remained apart.
If only Ivy would leave them alone. It was
obvious she
’d
try to keep Josh bound to her forever. He
’d
insisted he was his own man
, but Cath
erine
had her doubts.