Dreams~Shadows of the Night (29 page)

He stared into her eyes seemingly captivated by their seductive depths.

“Do you want me, Catherine? Tell me! I need you to say it,” he insisted in a voice gruff with lust.

“I want you, Josh. You know I do,” she
barely managed to moan before he dove forward and sheathed himself within her honeyed sweetness.

His weight pressed her down into the mattress while his mouth devoured. His body gave her everything he had to offer and demanded as much from her in return until their world rocked off its axis. Blinded by need, lost in a sated haze of passion, they collapsed together and lay limp and weightless, fighting to breathe.

Catherine’s hands slid off Josh’s slick shoulders. She felt her heartbeats slowing and waited until they’d settled back into a normal rhythm. But she still hesitated, wondering if what she was about to say was the right choice. Fate may have brought them together, but it hadn’t always treated them with a kind hand. Perhaps she was being unfair to catch him at a weak moment like this, but she was counting on the power of love to help her cause.

Catherine could only hope Josh would be more receptive now that he was so relaxed after their lovemaking. She was either going to destroy their relationship, or set them free. She prayed it would be the latter.

“Josh?”

He nuzzled his face between her breasts.

“Hmm?

“You shared a lot of important information last night and I want you to know how much I appreciate that, but there are still some things you didn’t talk about.”

He lifted his head.

“Which means they’re probably best left unsaid.”

“I don’t think so.”

He heaved a heavy sigh and rolled off her.

“All right then, what things?”

“I think you already know the answer to that.” S
he touched his face before letting her fingers
trail down to the bumpy ridges on his chest
.
“These. I need to know what happened to you when you were in South America. All of it, especially your feelings.”

He pulled her hand away, pushing them down between the
ir
bodies
and clasping their fingers tightly together.

“I thought you said Douglas told you.”

“He could only tell me what he knows. You need to talk about your nightmares.”

“Why
is it that
women always want to know so much?”

“Because the more we get; the more we can give in return. It’s important that you tell me the rest until there’s nothing left. We skipped
that in our last reconciliation.
I can’t help but think that’s part of what went wrong.”

He let go of her hand and turned his back to her. “I told you before I’m trying to forget about all that. I thought you understood.”

“I do understand, but you said Ryan told you I needed to get to k
now you
again.
I can’t do that if you
only give me
snippets.
I don’t want to cause you more sufferin
g, but you know as well as I do that emotional pain can leave scars, too.”

“Then why bring it all up again? Why dig up the past?”

Going with what she hoped was the correct instinct honed by her love, she continued.

“Because the more you try to shut some things away, the more they try to get out. Remember those roadblocks you talked about before? Let’s knock all of them down for good.
Then
I give you my word
we’ll never speak of this again. Please Josh, do this
for
me – a
nd
of
more import
ance
,
for
yourself
.”

“Death came looking for me Catherine and that’s one door I’m not going to regret slamming shut. Add that to the fact I tortured myself thinking I’d lost you. Those are only some of the memories I’m trying to hold back. If you were in my place would you want to put out a welcome mat?”

A bone-chilling cold settled inside her at the icy sound of his voice, but she forced herself not to back down.

“I would if it meant I’d never have to worry what would happen if I did open those doors again.”

Seconds became long agonizing minutes.
Josh shifted his body restlessly and rolled onto his back, but remained silent. She leaned over and looked at him trying to read his expression, but it was as closed as the tight set of his mouth.

She gnawed her lip and felt her heart sink. She was beginning to wish she had waited before bringing up such painful thoughts.
Had she made a mistake
to ask this of him now
?
Perhaps
their newly formed
bond
was
still too fragile for him to confide in her
.

Afraid that her carelessness had ruined
their reunion whil
e it was still in its infancy, s
he
waited while her unanswered questions pulsed inside her head like a hammer pounding out a persistent beat. Had her probing made him barricade the door for good?

Josh’s continued silence lingered while other less important sounds filled the room. A car alarm went off somewhere in the distance, someone coughed in the next room, and the dripping showerhead suddenly seemed terribly loud.

She knew if he couldn’t bring himself to tell her what had happened, she’d have to accept that. She was about to tell him when he began to speak and the first words out of his mouth made her heart ache for what this sharing was obviously going to cost him.

Chapter Twenty-six

“I can’t seem to get the stench of my own fear out of my mind. Or forget how it felt holding Marie’s dead body in my arms. Orlando, the leader of the men
who
took us, haunts my dreams. It’s like having the devil himself coming after me again and again. I swear to God fire shoots out of his eyes every time I see him and the pain starts all over.”

She heard the torment in his voice and reached for his hand offering him comfort. He laced their fingers together, squeezing tightly as though he needed that lifeline.

“I can see you’re still emotionally attached to those horrors even though you don’t want to be. That’s probably why you have the nightmares. They won’t go away until you either let go of those negative emotions or better yet, exchange those feelings for a list of more positive options. I’d like to hope our building a future together would be at the top of that list. But if this is too much for you to talk about right now, we can wait for another time as long as you’ll promise me there will be another time.”

“No, let’s get the mess over with. You’re right, the sooner I get everything out and start working on replacing the bad images with healthier choices the better off I’ll be.” He rested their joined hand on his scar
r
ed chest.

“This might take me a while.”

“Take all the time you need.”

He sucked in a deep breath, filling his lungs before letting the air slowly escape.

Once he began to talk, it was as if flood waters were flowing over a dam.

“The natives gave us the only relief from the horrible circumstances, but they were limited in what they could do. In many ways they were innocent as children. Their eyes held ancient knowledge, but they existed out of time. I don’t think they understood the barbarism of the modern world.”

“Are you referring to the kidnappers as being the barbarians?”

“Yes. They were the real savages.
Poor
Marie. Her motivation in going to the Amazon was to search out undiscovered plant life for medicines, so she could help people. But her dedication was rewarded by appalling cruelty. Orlando
slapped her around,
and every time I tried to stop him he’d have me beaten. I began to hate
him
in a way I never thought I was capable of.”

“I’d say that was understandable considering the way he was mistreating you. But I don’t see why he abused you with so much money at stake. Surely he had to know he must keep you both in good health to collect the ransom.”

“I thought that at first, but he had a vile temper and he liked to see people suffer.”

“He must have been a brute, but also a coward for wanting to hurt innocent people. I feel so sad for Marie when I think she only wanted to do good things.”

“Yeah. I cried when she died; broke down like a baby. That doesn’t exactly make me sound like the big brave explorer does it?”

“Crying has nothing to do with being brave. In my profession I’ve seen plenty of strong men cry. It takes courage for a man to let his guard down and expose his emotions like that. You were mourning the loss of a friend; one who had suffered unfairly. You had every right to be upset.” She squeezed his hand. “I know how hard this has been for you.”

“There’s more,” he said in a grim tone. “I went berserk the last time Orlando was getting ready to go after Marie, and he set his thugs on me. They tied me to a tree and beat me with their fists. Then they gave me these souvenirs,” he touched his scars.

“I can’t begin to fathom the pain you must have suffered.”

“Imagine the sensation of being repeatedly sliced with a razorblade or having several giant paper cuts magnified a thousand times tearing into your flesh. It got even worse when my sweat added salt to the wounds and then the insects started in on me. I was still tied to the tree, and Orlando wouldn’t let the natives help me at that point. As I said, he enjoyed seeing people suffer and watching me gave him a real charge.”

Catherine couldn’t choke back the sob that escaped her.

“Oh my God, Josh.”

“You said you wanted all the gory details,” he reminded her. “The pain was so excruciating I prayed to die. I probably would have if it hadn’t been for Sad Eyes.”

“Sad Eyes?”

“She was the native woman w
ho took me to the missionaries.
It was just a name I made up. I never knew her real name. Orlando and his men
had left the encampment for a few days. I assume to go back to where they’d nabbed us to see if anyone had turned up with the ransom money.”

“Was Marie ill with fever then?”

“Yes, but I don’t think
Orlando
knew how bad she was. I certainly didn’t. She died not long after he left, and I had to bury her right away because of the climate. Sad Eyes immediately insisted I leave the camp. I almost stayed in the hope that a rescue team would come, but then I thought about
Orlando
’s reaction when he found out Marie had died. I knew he’d be furious and given his temper God only knows what he would have done to me in retaliation. I wasn’t in any shape to go through whatever punishment he’d end up inflicting, so I went with Sad Eyes even though I had no idea where she was taking me.”

“I’m surprised she thought you could travel if you were so sick.”

“My illness didn’t really hit me until after we left. That’s when the fever kicked in and made me
pretty delirious
for a good part of the journey. I remember all that green closing in on me as we made our way through the jungle labyrinth.
It was like being trapped in a pot of pea soup.”

“It must have been unnerving.”

“More like a weird hallucination, actually.
I collapsed as soon as I arrived at
the Daniels’ house and w
hen I finally came to I couldn’t remember anything
.
I lost months
floundering around in a fog
.” He
looked at her
. “M
y last rational thought before I went under was how it looked as though your dream had come true
.”

“Thank goodness Sad Eyes was able to get you away from that horrible Orlando.”

“I take it you don’t know about my second encounter with him, then.”

She shot into a sitting position and stared at him in disbelief.

“Second encounter? You mean to say
Orlando
came after you when you were with the missionaries?”

He drew her back into his arms.

“No. It was later when Marie’s mother, Jenny, asked me to take them to the spot where our team had camped. They unknowingly hired
Orlando
as one of the security guards for the trip. He tried to abduct Jenny and when he couldn’t get her, he took another crack at me.”

“I don’t believe this! It must have been like a never ending nightmare.”

“You got that right. He would have succeeded if one of our other men hadn’t shot him. I watched while
Orlando
’s blood seeped out of him. The more he bled, the better I felt. My only regret is that he didn’t suffer more. I actually wanted to kill him with my bare hands. As gruesome as that sounds, I’m not going to pretend otherwise.”