Don’t Forget to Remember Me (16 page)

I was silent for a minute and reached out to
brush her hair back. “I know this is hard for you and you feel like
I’m dictating and that isn’t my intention. Try to understand my
point of view. I almost lost you and I will not take risks with you
now. We’ll go, but it can’t be right away, okay?”

“Jen and I talked earlier. Aaron is working
this weekend too, but she isn’t. I knew you wouldn’t want me going
alone, so I asked her to go and she agreed. It will give me some
time to get to know her better, too. We’ll have a girl’s
weekend.”

“Are you planning on having Ellie meet you
as well?”

“Maybe. Please trust me. We’ll only be gone
for three days. That is all the time Jenna has off.”

“Babe, it has nothing to do with trusting
you.” I wanted to be mad at her for even suggesting it, but
couldn’t. I fully understood her need to take care of herself. Part
of me was terrified that she’d stay in New York and not come back
to Boston, but I knew I needed to let her find some independence.
My chest felt like steel bands were constricting my breath and
making my heart hurt. Panic welled. She sensed it because her
little hand found my jaw and grasped my chin, forcing me to look at
her. I struggled to push the emotions down.

“Hey. I’ll be fine.” Her thumb moved over my
chin and across my lower lip. I felt a groan rise up as desire
fused with the protectiveness I was feeling. “Ryan.”

“Uh…let’s talk about this tomorrow,
sweetheart.” She was tired; the Vicodin would make her more so in
minutes and if I didn’t get some distance I wouldn’t be able to
stop myself from kissing her or spilling my guts about exactly how
much she meant to me. My mouth was already dry and my pulse
increased, pushing blood in places I didn’t need her to notice. “I
need to get this paper finished and you need to rest.”

“
You
need to rest,” she almost whispered. Her voice
was so soft and gentle, filled with concern. “You’re not the only
one who worries, you know.”

“I will. Very soon.” I leaned down and
bushed my lips against her forehead, inhaling the sweet scent of
her skin and shampoo. I allowed myself to open my lips and press
another kiss on her temple.

“I’ll share the bed with you.” The words
were barely audible and I wondered if it was my imagination. “It’s
big enough. We can have a slumber party.”

“Mmmm…we’ll see.” I wanted
to agree immediately, but I wasn’t strong enough to resist her
being so close. If nothing else, my feelings would pour out in
waves. If I did give in to that guilty pleasure, she’d need to be
fast asleep first so the temptation wouldn’t be so agonizing.
“Goodnight…”
my love,
my mind
screamed.

Fuck,
I thought as
I sat down in front of the computer. I seriously needed to work,
but I was so damn distracted. I fisted my hands in my hair. I knew
she needed to get her independence back, but I was so damned scared
of letting her leave. It would be three days of hell. I glanced
over my shoulder at her, lying in the bed. Julia lowered her arm
toward me, beseeching me to come to her. It was all I could do not
to run back to that damn bed and gather her close.

I sat there in the dark listening to her
deep breaths until I was sure that she was asleep. I’d never felt
so damn protective. I wanted to feel her heart beating next to
mine, needed to feel her breath rush over my face and touch her
soft skin with my eager fingertips.

I tried to focus on the article in front of
me. The screen blurred before my eyes and I realized how exhausted
I really was. I didn’t want to leave, to collapse on the couch in
the other room. It took all my strength, but finally, that’s
exactly what I did.

The light was shining
through my closed eyelids so I rolled onto my side and threw my arm
over my face. Pain shot through my body. I moaned in protest and
opened my eyes. Despite my arguments, I was in Ryan’s room, in his
bed…
alone
. He didn’t take me up on
my slumber party offer and must have gone into the living room when
he finished studying.

I was filled with
disappointment. As confusing as this whole thing had been, he was
the one point of light, my stability in what could have been a
nightmare. I knew I could count on him unconditionally. I also knew
we were more than friends. I felt it in my heart, felt it in my
body…in my very soul. My eyes blurred with emotion. Why couldn’t I
find Ryan in my mind, when he was obviously the most important
person in my life? It hurt me and, worse, it hurt
him
. The pain on his face whenever he
asked me if I remembered and I had to tell him
no,
crushed me
.
I pushed
myself into a sitting position. More pain throbbed through my
ribcage, even though I tried to use only my arm and not the muscles
in my stomach or back, but somehow, it didn’t hurt as bad as my
heart. I brushed two single tears off my face and stood up slowly.
I wanted to see Ryan and more,
feel
him.

I opened the door to the
bedroom and the apartment was quiet. No one was up and as I walked
into the living room, my eyes were drawn to the couch. The
comforter and pillow Ryan used were folded and stacked neatly on
the cushions. My heart fell. He must’ve gone to the hospital early
even though he made no mention of it the night before.
He
works so hard.
He’s so dedicated and caring. So gorgeous and
giving
. I started to run my hands through my
hair, but lifting my arms above shoulder level was excruciating and
I stopped with a grimace.

I went into the kitchen
and the dishes from the night before were washed, dried and put
away. I flushed.
Ryan.
I busied
myself making coffee and pulling out the things I needed to make
the blueberry muffins I’d promised Aaron. It made me feel useful to
do something for them. I opened the refrigerator and found the
eggs, milk and blueberries. There were lemons in the drawer with
the berries and I pulled three of them out as well. Muffins were
easy and I decided to make lemon poppy seed, too. Provided, of
course, there were poppy seeds in the spice drawer. I opened it and
ran my fingers over the labels until I found them. My fingers
hesitated as something flashed through my mind. I stopped. I knew
exactly where to find everything. A smiled brightly as the
knowledge settled over me. I was still grinning when Jenna came
down the hall. I was mixing the batter, and turned to preheat the
oven.

“What are you smiling about, girl?” Jenna
asked as she took down two cups and filled them with the freshly
brewed coffee. She sat one next to me and took hers to the
breakfast bar, plopping down on one of the stools. She looked
ruffled, but her skin held a healthy pink hue and her eyes sparkled
with amusement.

“Um…I realized I know where everything is.
It’s great, isn’t it? I mean…I’ve cooked here before and
remembered, right?”

Jenna smiled with a nod.
“That
and
you arranged this
kitchen; when we first moved in, you drove out here with Ryan and
stayed with us for a week.” She took a drink of her coffee as I
dumped the blueberries into the batter and folded them in. “Shit, I
probably shouldn’t have said anything. Ryan will have my ass but he
noticed last night. You should have seen his face.”

“He won’t really tell me anything.”

“I know. He thinks he’s doing the right
thing.”

“And, you don’t?” I filled the muffin tins
as we talked.

“I don’t know, Julia. I guess it isn’t for
me to say. We all want the best for you.”

“Well, he’s very evasive when I ask him
direct questions.”

“Did you mention your decision to go to New
York?” she asked.

“Last night.”

“And?”

“And…he doesn’t want me to go without him.
Has he always been like this or is it just because of my
accident?”

She snorted. “He’s, uh…well, I suppose he’s
always been protective of you, but the accident has made him more
so, naturally.”

I put the muffins in the oven, set the timer
and then washed the bowl so I could re-use it to make the next
batch.

“Julia, that’s enough muffins. Aaron doesn’t
need more than two dozen.”

“Oh, I’m making a different kind. I thought
since you and I were going away for the weekend that I’d leave the
boys with some food. I’m going to make lasagna, too.”

“You’re too good and I’ll never be able to
live up to it. Aaron isn’t used to being so spoiled.”

Something shot through my mind. A feeling of
wanting to make Ryan happy, to take care of him and it stunned me.
The spoon fell from my fingers to the floor, splattering the batter
everywhere. The breath left my chest in a rush.

“Are you alright?” Jenna asked, full of
concern.

I nodded and tried to bend down to get the
discarded spoon but grimaced at the effort. Jenna got up and picked
it up, putting it in the sink, then began wiping up the batter that
was now spattered on the floor and cupboard.

“I was just wondering if Ryan was used to
being spoiled, that’s all. Was he?” I was cautious and my eyes
darted to hers.

Her mouth opened and then closed. She threw
the rag back in the sink. “Oh,yeah. At least, more than Aaron.” She
smiled and raised her eyebrows suggestively. “I try to make up for
my lack of cooking skills and spoil him in other ways.”

“Ah.” I didn’t pry but I got her point. They
were cute together, balancing each other out. Aaron was playful and
silly, very intelligent, but that part of him wasn’t overtly on the
surface. Jen was sarcastic and grounded but very sweet deep down.
“Anyone can cook, Jen.”

She shook her head. “Not
like you. I’m a good nurse and I have a solid head on my shoulders,
but you…you’re talented in several ways.
Very
artistic.”

Ryan brought me some drawing pads and
pencils while I was in the hospital, but I felt weird with it.
There wasn’t anything that I really wanted to draw except Ryan, but
that seemed intrusive and personal. I drew a couple of the nurses
and made drawings from pictures of some of their children, but I
wasn’t able to do a great job while one of my arms was
incapacitated and I couldn’t anchor the page properly. I grimaced
at how horrible they’d turned out.

“From what I’ve seen, my talent isn’t that
impressive.” I rolled my eyes.

“Julia, you’re too hard on yourself. Your
arm’s been in a sling, for God’s sake.”

I grated some lemon zest into the batter
after I’d made sure the milk and eggs were all mixed in. I didn’t
want the juice or the zest to curdle the milk. Not that it would
have made that much difference. The oven timer beeped and Jenna
removed the muffins. I had a dish towel laid out on the counter and
she dumped the tin over to empty it.

“Should I wash this?” she asked.

“If you don’t mind.” I flipped the fresh
muffins over and then dumped a good portion of poppy seeds into the
lemon batter.

After a couple of minutes, I was refilling
the pan with the new batter and topping it off with the crumb
topping I’d made. “Why lemon, Julia?” Jenna was seated and eating a
hot blueberry muffin. “I mean, why not banana or apple?”

I opened the oven and pushed the tins in.
“Um…just a feeling. Why?”

“No reason,” she said, but something in her
face made me probe.

“Jen, what is it?”

“Nothing.”

I nodded in acknowledgment of her question.
“Oh…I see. They’re Ryan’s favorite, aren’t they?” My heart already
knew the answer.

She popped the last bite of her muffin into
her mouth and nodded. Happiness burst at this little bit of
knowledge.

“This is an excellent sign. You always make
both when you’re here. You’ll make your boy very happy when he sees
those.”

“
My
boy?” I asked cautiously.

She chuckled. “Duh, Julia.”

*****

I made arrangements to take the 4:15 train
to New York. Depending on how I felt once we got there, we could
stay just tonight or the entire weekend. I’d finished packing a bag
and was coming out of the bathroom when I heard Ryan’s angry
expletive.

“What are you doing? Jen, you know this
isn’t a good idea!” His voice was loud but then suddenly quieted. I
hesitated in the hallway, longing to hear what he was saying.
“Goddamn it! I don’t want her going without me!”

“Ryan, it will be fine. I won’t let anything
happen.”

“Jenna! It isn’t about
that. What if she remembers? I have to be with her when that
happens. I
have
to,” he said
tightly with something like desperation underlying the words. I
couldn’t see his face, but already I could picture the
pain.