Don’t Forget to Remember Me (17 page)

“Even if Julia stays here,
you might not be with her when she remembers. Be realistic. You
could be at the hospital or on campus. There are no guarantees,
Ryan. At least you’re using the word
when
instead of
if
now.”

“You don’t have to tempt fate, do you?”

“It isn’t up to me. Or you. She’s made up
her mind.” Jenna’s voice was resigned and flat. “If I don’t go
along, it won’t stop her and you know it.”

He sighed deeply and I could hear shuffling
around the kitchen. “Shit, I know,” he said so softly I could
barely hear it. “I just worry so fucking much.”

“It will be okay.”

I moved toward them, walking harder than
necessary so they would hear me coming into the room. Ryan was
leaning up against the bar, dressed in his ever-present scrubs.
Jenna was in jeans, a red t-shirt and brown knee-high boots…clearly
ready to leave. Her overnight bag was resting near the door and I
set mine down beside it.

Ryan pushed himself away from the counter
and walked to me as I hovered by the door. “Hey. How are you
feeling?” He pushed my hair off of the left side of my face gently.
I ached to press into his hand.

I smiled at him warmly. “I’m good. Ready to
get going.”

His eyes softened
slightly. “Please wait until I can take you.” His left hand took
mine and squeezed it as he looked at me imploringly.
“
Please
.”

I tipped my head to one side. “We’ve already
discussed this. It’s not a big deal, Ryan, okay? I even made some
food so I don’t have to worry about you and Aaron starving while
I’m gone.”

He looked up at the
ceiling. “You’re worried about
me
?”
he said under his breath, more to himself than to me.

I put a hand on his arm and Jenna left the
room discretely. I looked into his dark blue eyes and recognized
the deep level of panic even though he was trying to hide it from
me. “I’ll be fine. I’m more worried about you guys. Do you think
you can turn the oven on to three hundred and fifty degrees and
remember to take the lasagna out in an hour?” I said in a teasing
tone.

He looked down at our hands and rubbed mine
between both of his. “Julia, please understand that I can’t have
anything happen to you. I don’t like how I’m feeling at the
prospect of not being with you in case something happens. What if
you need me?”

I removed my hands from his and put my arms
around him, pressing my head to his chest. His arms enfolded me
instantly and he inhaled deeply, his chin came to rest on the top
of my head.

We stood holding each
other for a minute until finally I found my shaking voice.
“I
do
need you. I know that. But
not to take me to New York.” My arms tightened and I felt his hands
moving up and down on my back. I wanted him to understand that I
felt the deep connection between us, and even not remembering, he’d
come to mean so much to me. “It’ll be fine. Please don’t
worry.”

“Of course I’m going to worry. Like crazy,”
he said reluctantly, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “Will
you call me tonight when you get there?”

I moved back and looked up into his face.
“Okay. I promise.” My fingers found the front of his shirt and
tugged on the fabric. His hands still lingered on my arms when Jen
came back and walked to the door.

“Ready, Julia? We don’t want to be
late.”

“Is Ellie meeting you?” Ryan asked, never
taking his eyes off of mine.

“I wish she could, but it’s a lot of cash
for the flight for just two nights.”

“Do you need a ride to the station? I can
take you.” His words were slow and measured; the muscle in his jaw
working overtime. I wanted to soothe him, but the holes in our
relationship left me wondering how.

Emotions I didn’t recognize welled up in my
chest and caused my eyes to burn. I blinked at the unexpected tears
and struggled to clear my throat. “Uhmmm…nope. Jen called a
cab.”

“Yeah, and it’s already here,” she said and
pulled open the door. “Tell Aaron I’ll talk to him later, will you,
Ryan?”

He didn’t answer her, still focused totally
on me. “Do you need some money?” he asked softly, his fingers
lingering on my shoulders and then sliding down my arms.

I reached up, touching the edge of his jaw,
and shook my head. “I’m fine.” I stood on my tiptoes and placed a
kiss where my fingers had been, letting my lips linger and my eyes
close. He trembled slightly and suddenly there was nothing I wanted
but to stay right there with him. “See you soon,” I forced out
tightly.

He nodded without a word and then glanced
over my head at Jenna.

“Be careful. Call me if anything
happens.”

She rolled her eyes and held the door for
me. “We’ll be fine. Don’t be such a worrywart. Go work out with
Aaron or something. He misses you in the gym. Eat the fabulous meal
Julia made for you and just take it easy. Come on, Julia. Let’s get
the hell out of Dodge.”

I felt nervous on the way to the station and
Jen chattered endlessly about all the shopping she wanted to do the
following day. The look on Ryan’s face as we left made me very sad.
He was being silly and overprotective, but somehow I understood the
sadness. I felt it too, and it was familiar. Like leaving him was
something that I did a lot.

I had many questions and maybe on the ride
down to New York, Jenna would be more willing to share. My phone
vibrated in my purse and as I reached inside to get it, Jenna
huffed. “Can’t he even wait until we’re on the damn train?”

She was right; it was a text from Ryan.
Texting was something that he’d showed me when he brought me home
from the hospital. It was a fun way to keep in touch.

Please be careful and call me later. I’ll
miss you. –R

I rubbed my thumb across
the words on the screen
.

“What?” Jen asked sarcastically. “Did he
burn himself on the stove?”

I smiled and shook my head and then burst
out laughing. Jenna had such a dry sense of humor, and it was
impossible to remain sullen. “Uh, no. At least, not yet. He said
he’ll miss me.”

“No shit. Nothing like stating the obvious.
Men are such fucking babies. Ever notice that? They act all tough
but really they’re a big pile of fluff and feathers. Sometimes with
big gooey centers.”

A warm rush of heat flooded my cheeks. “Ryan
seems…very strong. So accomplished and hardworking. Both he and
Aaron are like that.”

“Yes. They’re both remarkable. Ryan is the
more sensitive of the two. He’s always so in tune with the needs of
others. Even people he can’t stand, he helps.”

Ah yes, Liza.
I
knew what she was hinting so I decided to take the bait. “I’m sure
he’ll make a good doctor. He told me about that fellow student he
helps, if that’s what you mean.”

“Stalker bitch. It’s pathetic the way she
tries to wrap it up in paltry attempts to get him to help her.”

“I’m surprised he fell for it.”

“Oh, he didn’t. He knows what she’s after,
but he feels a responsibility to the patients. To make sure she
knows what she’s doing.”

“Well…that isn’t his responsibility.”

“Ryan makes everything his responsibility.
Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

“Hmmm…maybe that’s why he feels so
responsible for me. For my recovery.”

“Are you kidding me? Hardly, Julia. You’re
something else all together.”

I looked down at the message again and
started to type a reply. My heart swelled with hope at her
words.

I already miss you, too. Thank you for
understanding. I’ll be okay. Promise.

“Jen,” I began as I replaced my phone inside
my purse, “Do you think…what if I never remember? Do you think Ryan
and I will still stay the way we are?”

She pursed her lips and considered for a
moment.

“I…I mean, he told me we were close. Do you
think we can be again?” I stammered.

Her hand came out to rest on mine. “You two
will always be close. In observation, nothing seems to have changed
much. You see the way he is with you.”

“Yes, but I can see his pain. I don’t want
to hurt him. I can’t explain it, but when he hurts, I hurt,
too.”

Her hand squeezed mine.
“Yeah. I understand.” She wasn’t saying much and I wanted to scream
in frustration. I bit my lip in consternation as the cab pulled up
to the station, hoping that this weekend would help. I desperately
wanted to find some connection to Ryan, something that would shed
some light on the real status of our relationship. Feeling as I did
about him after only this short time, how could I have known him
for eight years and only been his friend?
And why the
hell aren’t they telling me anything?

“Ryan, get your ass in here and eat some of
this, man. If you don’t, I’m going to have it all gone and Julia
will beat my ass!”

I stood, with my hands on my hips, staring
out at the window and the tire tracks left by the cab that took
Julia and Jenna away. The tightness in my chest kept me from
feeling hungry, even though it smelled delicious. “Just save some
of it, piglet. I’ll eat later.”

“Okay, but you don’t know what you’re
missing. She has fresh bread sticks and salad too. Brownies and the
muffins. Man, I swear to God, if you don’t marry that girl soon,
I’m going to marry her myself.”

My heart fell. Yeah, that was the plan and
every day I prayed that I would wake up and see recognition on her
beautiful features, her green eyes glistening with the memories
that meant the world to us both.

“At least have a beer,” Aaron called.

“I thought you wanted to go work out. You
shouldn’t drink first. Drink after, jackass.” I moved in and pulled
out a chair, leaned back and sprawled my legs out in front of
me.

Aaron’s face sobered but he still kept
forking food into his mouth. It did smell really good.

“Okay, so no beer. What about a muffin?”

“What? Are you my mother?” I muttered
irritably. It wasn’t fair to take it out on him and really what
would make me feel better was finding an outlet for all of the pent
up aggression. “I don’t feel like a blueberry muffin, Aaron. She
made those for you anyway.”

“I guess she did.” He nodded and swallowed.
He reached out and flipped the dishtowel covering the muffins on
the table. “But, who in the hell did she make these for, huh?”

My eyes glanced up and I saw a plate full of
lemon muffins, just like she always made with extra crumb topping.
I took a deep breath, and reached for one, bringing it up to inhale
the aroma.

“So, if she isn’t remembering, then how in
the hell did she know to leave that crumb stuff off of my muffins
and load yours up?” He smiled and shoved me in the shoulder.

I shrugged. “She’s only remembering
subconsciously, little things like this. I need her to remember
everything, Aaron. The loneliness is killing me.” I felt the ache
thread through my voice. “Being near her and not having her…I’m in
hell.”

“Why? She’s
here
.”

I frowned at him. “Never mind. You don’t
understand and I’m not in the mood to explain it. Let’s go to the
gym when you’re finished eating. I feel the need to beat the shit
out of something, so will you spot me on the bag?”

“Yeah, but I want to lift, too, okay?”

“Sure.”

The rumblings in my stomach finally got the
better of me and I ate the muffin in my hand and went to change
into my gym clothes. As I was tying my shoelaces, my phone vibrated
and I pulled it out of the pants I’d just left on the floor. There
was a message from Julia but before I could read it, the phone
rang.

“Hi, Ellie,” I answered. “I wish you were
going to New York. Jen and Julia left about an hour ago.”

“I wish I could. I wanted to call and check
on you. How are you holding up?”

I leaned back on the bed until I was lying
looking up at the ceiling, my legs bent at the knees over the edge.
“I’m fine, I guess. I miss us and I want her back. I need to know
she loves me. It’s torture. I’m such a pussy.”

“Oh, Ryan,” she said quietly. “She trusts
you completely. I can tell when I talk to her. She’s worried about
you. She knows you’re suffering which tells her that there is more
between you.”

“I guess I’m not doing a great job of hiding
it,” I said in disgust.

“You know that she loves you, Ryan. She’s
hoping that she’ll remember in New York.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m afraid she’ll remember
losing the baby and I won’t be there to take care of her. She can’t
go through that without me, Ellie. I couldn’t bear it.”

“Oh shit, Ryan! I should have thought about
this before!” Her voice was filled with anxiety.