Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (7 page)

Threat level
High - his parents live on the same street as hers, so he would have ample opportunity to make a move.

Name
Darren Riley

Likelihood
Unlikely - cannot afford card.

Threat level
Moderate - although girls don’t usually fancy him because he has fleas, Chloe is very caring and feels pity for social outcasts.

Name
John the Goth

Likelihood
Unknown - too quiet.

Threat level
Low - too quiet.

I feel slightly better about the situation now I’ve completed my table. Although there are some potential threats out there, I am convinced Chloe will be mine if I act fast.

W
EDNESDAY
16
TH
F
EBRUARY

Jay from the tough gang charged me 50p just to walk past him in the corridor this afternoon. It was so humiliating. I should be striking fear into the hearts of mortals, not unwillingly contributing to their next pair of trainers.

I attempted to talk to Chloe about Valentine’s cards in the library at lunchtime to see if she’d worked out that I sent the best one. I tried to steer the conversation round to the topic by asking her if she’d had a good week and if anything unusual had happened. She wasn’t taking the bait, so in the end I had to come right out and ask her if she got any cards. She said no, and then looked down at her book, blushing a deep red. Her delectable blood filled her cheeks and in my head it sounded like stormy waves crashing on a beach. Needless to say, my fangs extended and I had to clamp my mouth shut. We stayed in this awkward stalemate for the rest of lunch, with her staring down at her textbook and me drawing on every ounce of self-restraint to prevent myself from tucking into her neck in front of everyone.

It was actually quite a relief when she had to go to Business Studies.

T
HURSDAY
17
TH
F
EBRUARY

There’s been a vampire attack right here in town! I’m so angry with Mum and Dad, the greedy pigs! Why can’t they hold back from their blood-drinking urges?

The worst thing is, they wouldn’t even own up to it. I only found out because Mr Talbot the school caretaker was looking a bit pale and I asked him about his health. He said he’d collapsed on the way back from the pub at the weekend and blacked out for a couple of hours. Although his wife didn’t believe him, he said that he’d only drank two lagers. He had to stay in bed for a couple of days, but just as he was about to see a doctor, he started to feel better again. He kept scratching his neck, and when I looked closely, I saw a couple of telltale fang marks on it.

I confronted Mum and Dad about their behaviour as soon as I got home, but they insisted that they’d only been feeding in towns over twenty miles away, which was our agreement. I don’t know why they insist on lying to me. It’s obvious that they were too thirsty to wait until they were further away, and fed off poor old Mr Talbot instead. So just because they couldn’t contain their urges, they risked exposing our identity and forcing us to flee this town, meaning that I would never see my dear Chloe again. In other words, they put their own stupid thirst above my first ever chance of happiness! How can I trust them again?

F
RIDAY
18
TH
F
EBRUARY

8.30
AM

We don’t have to go to school today because it’s snowing. My sister ran into my room at six to announce this like it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened. She must have opened her curtains to see snow a million times by now, but it still makes her giddy with excitement.

She’s so stupid that I wonder if she even knows she’s been alive for almost a century. Perhaps she has no sense of time passing at all, like a goldfish swimming around a bowl.

When you’re as dense as my sister, living forever is a breeze. But when you’re as sensitive and intelligent as me, it’s not easy. Not that I expect anyone to understand.

From the excited laughter I can hear outside my window, I’m guessing that everyone else shares my sister’s idiotic joy that a snow day should occur just before the half-term break. All it means to me is that I have to wait ten long days before I see my darling Chloe again.

10
AM

My sister has built a snowpire using carrots for fangs and a bin bag for a cape. I thought my parents would tell her off for exposing our identity, but they seemed to think it was the most adorable thing they’d ever seen. As ever, it’s one rule for me, and one rule for my sister.

Dad said it was the only vampire he’d ever seen that really would be destroyed by sunlight and then he laughed at his own stupid joke.

1
PM

I am so bored I am now watching
Sesame Street
. I have to say, I find the character of The Count somewhat offensive. He has a huge nose, pointy ears and a ridiculous Eastern European accent. They wouldn’t get away with doing this about any other minority group.

If they insist on showing all the usual cliched stuff like castles and bats, they could at least balance it out by showing the positive side of vampirism as well, like our unnatural beauty and strength.

Plus, if they’re going to show a vampire with a rank of nobility, why does it always have to be a count? They would find that vampires have also been archdukes, barons, knights, margraves, viscounts and kings if they spent more time researching and less time making up silly jokes about us counting things.

S
ATURDAY
19
TH
F
EBRUARY

7
AM

Mum and Dad are out hunting, and I’m expecting a bumper harvest of blood. They always get loads when it’s snowing, as it makes humans much easier to trap and mesmerize.

I can’t wait to see what kind they bring back. If you’re a human and you’re reading this, you might think it must be boring for me to drink blood all the time. But I think it must be boring to eat food all the time.

There are so many different flavours and textures of blood that it never feels like you’re having the same thing over and over again. Sometimes, if it’s a special occasion such as a transformation day, we even have a three-course meal, starting with a glass of something light and thin like type A-, tucking into hot bowls of thick, nourishing type B+, and finishing with a sweet dessert blood from someone with high blood-sugar levels.

5
PM

Good news! Mum and Dad have brought back loads of lovely type O-. And the best thing is, they’ve harvested so many flasks of it they couldn’t even fit them in the fridge, and they’ve let me take some up to my room for a feast!

7
PM

Having a good time getting through the blood. Starting to feel a bit stuffed, but it would be a shame to waste all this lovely stuff. I imagine this is what humans feel like on Christmas day.

9
PM

Still getting through the flasks. Have decided to teach myself dancing.

10
PM

Why won’t Mum and Dad admit they attacked the caretaker? Why do they insist on lying to me? What else are they hiding from me?

11
PM

My parents are alright really. I shouldn’t be so suspicious of them. They’re not so bad when it comes down to it.

12
AM

Why doesn’t Chloe love me? Nothing ever goes right in my life. What does anything even mean?

1
AM

Feeling ill now.

S
UNDAY
20
TH
F
EBRUARY

I would like to apologize for the haphazard nature of yesterday’s entries. When vampires drink too much blood, it produces a state that is similar to drunkenness in humans.

I have been lying in bed with a thumping headache today. It’s at times like this that I wish vampires could sleep.