Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (2 page)

I can’t even ask my parents for advice. They possess vampire beauty, so they wouldn’t understand. I just wish they’d had the courtesy to pass it down to me.

Tonight I asked Dad what the best way to impress a girl is and he said you should save her from death. But how am I supposed to do that without vampire strength? Buy her a cycle helmet? Give her an anti-smoking leaflet? As ever, he’s totally failed to appreciate what it’s like for me.

F
RIDAY
7
TH
J
ANUARY

An embarrassing thing happened today. I was sitting behind Chloe in History, and my fangs extended.

When you’re a vampire, your fangs are supposed to grow longer when you’re about to feed on a human. As I don’t hunt, this doesn’t happen to me very often. But today it happened when I looked at Chloe, which was quite alarming.

I was getting bored listening to Mr Morris droning on about the Second World War, so I looked over at Chloe. As I focused on her, I began to hear the sound of blood pumping around her veins and I thought about what a wonderful relief it would be if I could pierce her jugular vein and have a refreshing sip. Then I ran my tongue across my teeth and I realized that my fangs had grown to twice their normal length!

To make the whole situation even more awkward, Mr Morris then accused me of paying no attention, and quizzed me about what he’d been saying. I know all about the Second World War, because I remember it well, but I couldn’t speak in case anyone saw my fangs, so he went nuts at me.

It’s official - even my own body has decided to make things difficult for me now.

S
ATURDAY
8
TH
J
ANUARY

After all the stress of last week I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed today and think about Chloe and her pretty neck. No chance of that, though. Dad barged in at six this morning and announced that we were going for a hike.

I hate family hike days.* As I lack vampire strength and speed, I’m always trundling along behind the rest of them as they bound back and forth like undead labradors.

Even my little sister runs ahead of me on family hikes. She has vampire strength and speed, but good luck getting her to admit this when Mum and Dad want her to do something round the house.

Today’s hike was around the wild countryside north of Stockfield and the three of them kept zipping around and telling me about the lakes, hills and forests I was missing out on. Like I even cared.

We came across a wide river and they crossed it by leaping hundreds of feet up in the air. Dad offered to carry me across on his back, but I told them I’d wait in the car.

And it’s in my dad’s Volvo that I reside now, Dear Diary, thinking about my sweet sweet Chloe. I have been waiting for three hours now, and gazing at the tempestuous, turbulent clouds racing across the windswept landscape. So this is what being in love is like!

*Technically they’re my ‘coven’ rather than my family, and we live in a ‘lair’ rather than a house. I don’t see the point in these formal terms, though.

S
UNDAY
9
TH
J
ANUARY

Annoying things about my sister Part One Million: she’s decided that she wants to drink animal blood rather than human blood from now on. She says she’s doing this for ‘ethical reasons’. One of her friends must have taught her that phrase because she’s used it about fifty times today.

What ethical reasons? Feeding on humans doesn’t kill them, unless the vampire in question is so greedy that they drain every last drop of their blood. It won’t even turn them into vampires if you don’t mix blood with them.

All that happens to humans is they’re mesmerized, drained of a couple of pints of blood, left feeling a bit woozy and have to take a couple of days off work. When you think about it, vampires are no more evil than a case of flu.

Anyway, my sister says she only wants to drink animal blood now, so today they’ve all driven off to gather it from cows and sheep. Needless to say, I’m refusing to take any part in this charade. My sister is only going to make herself ill by refusing to drink proper blood. As long as she doesn’t come crying to me when she’s weak with hunger, it’s of no interest to me.

Note:
If you are actually my sister and you’re reading this, I don’t care if I’ve upset you. It’s no less than you deserve for reading the secret words of others.

Update:
I have decided that every night I will tape a hair over the end of my diary. If the hair is broken I will know my sister has been looking in here.

M
ONDAY
10
TH
J
ANUARY

12
:
20
PM

I am sitting opposite Chloe in the library writing this. She’s always here at lunchtime. This either means she doesn’t have any friends yet or she’s a swot. I hope she’s a swot, because that way none of the other boys will fancy her and I’ll have a better chance. Perhaps in a minute she’ll look over and ask me what I’m writing.

12
:
55
PM

Lunch is coming to an end now and Chloe has not yet asked me what I’m writing. I think I need to be more proactive. I shall find out more about her interests. She is currently looking at a book about animals, so I shall pretend I’m interested in them, even though the truth of the matter is that I hate them because they freak out if I go anywhere near them.

2
AM

Mum and Dad were playing funeral marches at full volume tonight, which made it really hard for me to concentrate on learning animal facts. When they finally went upstairs, they left all the candles on. I must have told them a thousand times that this could cause a fire.

T
UESDAY
11
TH
J
ANUARY

I think I’m bonding with Chloe. Perhaps she’ll yield to my immortal allure soon.

I reeled off my animal facts in the library this lunchtime. She seemed quite impressed, and we had a good chat.

Later on she offered me one of her boiled sweets. It was supposed to be lime-flavoured, but like anything that isn’t blood, it tasted of coal dipped in sick to me. When she wasn’t looking, I spat the rotten thing into the bin. But I kept the wrapper as a relic of my love.

I shall tell her about this when we’re married and we shall laugh.

To get rid of the taste of the sweet, I went to the toilets for lunch. I understand that this might sound rather unpleasant, but this is the only way I can feed at school. Every day, I take a flask of blood to school as a packed lunch. As I can hardly sit in the canteen with blood dribbling down my chin, I have to lock myself in a toilet cubicle to enjoy it. I understand that as dining experiences go, this is unlikely to get a Michelin star, but it’s the only safe place for me to drink. I once tried it crouching down behind the wheelie bins, but someone saw me with blood all around my mouth and I had to pretend I’d fallen over.

W
EDNESDAY
12
TH
J
ANUARY

6
PM

I couldn’t find Chloe at lunchtime, so I went to the steps at the back of the gym and hung around with the goths instead.

The goths are called Brian, John and Si, and if you call them the goths they say they’re emos really. I think Brian only joined the group because he’s fat and it doesn’t show as much when you wear black. I think Si joined because he’s a ginger and he can dye his hair black. It’s hard to tell why John joined because he never says anything. As for me, I don’t really hang round with them out of choice. It’s just that my pale skin and black clothing sort of automatically place me in their gang.

Brian has a girlfriend who goes to another school. I thought he might be lying until he showed me a picture of her. Nobody would pretend to have a girlfriend who looked like that.

4
AM

I have been lying in bed all night and thinking about Chloe. Is it normal for a vampire to be this attracted to a human? I wish there was someone I could talk to.

T
HURSDAY
13
TH
J
ANUARY

Our Science lesson today was about the heart and the teacher kept going on about how blood pumps around the atria and ventricles. Needless to say, I got so thirsty that my fangs extended for the entire lesson and I had to bury my head in my textbook in shame.

At the end of the lesson, we were given colour handouts with explicit pictures of hearts, veins and blood cells. I took mine home and hid it underneath my mattress.

I sat with Chloe again at lunchtime, and she told me she’s agreed to be a prefect. Her duties will include reporting people who run in the corridors or cause disruption in assembly. I doubt this will win her much popularity, but I respect her maturity, and fully intend to defend her against those who tease her for it. As long as I don’t have to fight anyone.

F
RIDAY
14
TH
J
ANUARY

Chloe fell over and cut her knee on the way to the library today, and a small trickle of delicious type O- ran down her leg. I was so overpowered by the desire to lick it off that I had to run to the toilets and gulp down the contents of my flask.

As I ran away I could see that Wayne from my class came to Chloe’s aid. What must she think of me for running away like that? Why am I cursed with these desires? How can I explain myself? Perhaps I should pretend that I have a phobia about blood rather than a thirst for it. Either way she’s going to think I’m a weirdo.

S
ATURDAY
15
TH
J
ANUARY

Today I offered to help Mum and Dad tidy the house. We only moved here six months ago, and it already looks like a ruined gothic castle. I know they feel more comfortable surrounded by thick velvet curtains, golden candelabras and ancient oil paintings, but the place is too gloomy and dusty. I bet social services wouldn’t be too impressed if they paid a visit.