Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (24 page)

This is what you get for messing with me, animal kingdom. I condemn you to the humiliation of becoming a cute Internet clip. Now you’re the ones everyone is laughing at.

M
ONDAY
4
TH
J
ULY

I was feeling brave today so I came right out and asked Chloe if she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and let me drink her blood. She seemed quite shocked at first, but she became more open to the idea once I explained to her that if I drink just a little bit it won’t do her any harm.

Obviously, if I get greedy and drink loads, she’ll be ill for a couple of days, but I didn’t tell her that because I’m sure I’ve got the willpower to hold back.

Chloe said that she trusts me, but she doesn’t feel ready just yet.

T
UESDAY
5
TH
J
ULY

I asked Dad for a thousand pounds to buy Chloe a diamond pendant, but he came out with the same old tripe about us drawing attention to ourselves if we spend too much. I don’t know why he can’t make an exception for something as important as this.

In the end he gave me twenty pounds and I bought Chloe a bat-shaped pendant from the goth shop. She was very pleased with it, and let me fasten it around her neck. I thought she might be so overwhelmed by my generosity that she would let me have a feed, but no such luck.

I don’t mind, though. I can be patient.

W
EDNESDAY
6
TH
J
ULY

We played football in PE today and I scored four goals. I could have scored a fifth, but I was scared of revealing my powers, so I struck it wide.

T
HURSDAY
7
TH
J
ULY

I’m trying to find a new hobby to take my mind off the frustration of waiting for Chloe to let me drink her blood. So far I’ve attempted gardening, juggling and learning about dinosaurs, but none of them helped me stop thinking about how sweet it would be to dip my fangs into her neck. But I will be strong. Allowing a vampire to feed on you is a big step for any human to make, and I must be sensitive to that.

I’m sure Chloe will agree soon, but in the meantime I’ll just have to suck it up. Or rather, not suck it up.

F
RIDAY
8
TH
J
ULY

I went out for a run tonight. I only intended to go as far as the park, but I got really in the zone and when I stopped I was surprised to find myself at the seaside. I must be careful not to run past any speed cameras. The last thing I want is grainy footage of me dashing around at fifty miles an hour turning up on the Internet.

S
ATURDAY
9
TH
J
ULY

I tried to write a poem today, but I have to admit it’s not up to my usual standard.

LET US WANDER TOGETHER

Let us wander together

  Through endless night

    Surveying the world

      By pale moonlight

        Then you will let me

          Sip your blood

            It will be really nice

              It will be really good

I’m especially disappointed by the ending, but I couldn’t think of anything else. How strange that all the time I was in despair, great art was flowing from pen, but now that I’ve found contentment, this is the best I can do.

I don’t really care, though. If misery is the price you have to pay for genius, count me out. Let someone else take on the responsibility of being the greatest poet of a generation.

S
UNDAY
10
TH
J
ULY

Chloe came round today and I practised my mesmerism skills on her. It’s quite tricky, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. I can now give Chloe just enough hypnosis so that she comes round again after a couple of minutes.

Now that I’m getting this skill under control, I’m pretty much ready to go with the blood-drinking.

I won’t put any pressure on Chloe to let me do it because I’m a gentleman. I really hope she lets me soon, though!

M
ONDAY
11
TH
J
ULY

Went to school today. Then went for walk with Chloe. Then came home and had type AB+ blood for dinner.

T
UESDAY
12
TH
J
ULY

Quite sunny today. Chloe came round after school.

F
RIDAY
22
ND
J
ULY

This is my first diary entry for a while, and I think it will also be my last.

The summer holidays start today and now I’ve finally got my vampire powers, I’d rather be outside enjoying myself than moping around in here.

Also, Chloe says she’s ready to let me drink her blood, and I don’t think it would be gentlemanly of me to write down anything about that, even in a secret diary.

I’ve had another look through Dad’s leaflet about safe feeding, and I’m going to check myself thoroughly for cuts first, so there’s no danger I’ll accidentally transform Chloe.

She told me recently that she wouldn’t mind if she did turn into a vampire. She said that I’m one and I seem to be enjoying myself. And she’s right, I have been enjoying myself recently, I really have.

But I still wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. The first 100 years were terrible.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title

Copyright

Acknowledgements

January

Februrary

March

April

May

June

July