Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (10 page)

10
AM

I made Mum drive me to the clothes shop to get a shirt on the way to school, and we had to bang on the door to make them open it early. Mum moaned the whole time, but this is what she gets for putting my school clothes in with Dad’s outlandish garb.

9
PM

I sat next to Chloe in Art today and she had a sniffle. It’s weird, but if my sister had a sniffle it would drive me over the edge. Yet when Chloe has one it sounds like a gentle breeze blowing through rose petals. I am truly beginning to understand the power of love.

At lunchtime, Wayne was going round with a sponsorship form for a fun run he’s doing for endangered species. I kept out of his way so I didn’t have to pledge anything. Why should I? Vampires are an endangered species, but nobody ever runs for us. They run
from
us, but that’s not the same.

4
AM

They never put anything decent on TV at this time. It’s really unfair on shift workers and the undead. I suppose I should be grateful that they show anything at all during the night. Believe it or not, it was only a few years ago that they used to play the national anthem and tell you to go to bed before midnight. And a few years before that, there was no TV at all. No wonder so many vampires got up to mischief in the old days. They had nothing else to do!

F
RIDAY
11
TH
M
ARCH

Craig was told off by the headmaster for wearing his cool trainers today. You should have heard him moaning about it. All they said was that he had to wear school shoes on Monday or he’d get detention.

In the old days, they used to whack you with a cane or leather strap if you did the slightest thing wrong. I was once hit with a slipper just for walking too fast in the corridor. Not that Dad had any sympathy when I told him. He just went on about the time he was tortured on a rack for whistling during longbow practice. Whatever I tell him, he always has to try and top it.

S
ATURDAY
12
TH
M
ARCH

I was bored tonight so I went for a walk in the graveyard. I realize that makes me sound like a vampire cliché, but it’s the only place where I can go to be quiet and relax on a Saturday night. Everywhere else is full of people fighting and being sick on each other.

As I lurked moodily around the tombs, I heard human voices in the distance. I followed them and realized that John, Si and Brian had taken it upon themselves to come to the graveyard too. I thought I’d scare them for a joke, so I rushed out from behind a grave.

They let out shrieks of fear and dashed towards the exit, which was very cowardly for people who claim to be hardcore horror fanatics. I was surprised to see them fleeing so fast, especially Brian, who certainly never moves like that on sports day. They made such a speedy exit that I didn’t get the chance to reveal that it was only me.

The weird thing was, as I raced after them to explain that it was all a prank, it sort of stopped being one. I really did feel like pouncing on them and drinking their blood.

I think the moral of this episode is that if you’re going to pretend to be a blood-drinking supernatural being, make sure you’re not actually a blood-drinking supernatural being, or you could get carried away.

S
UNDAY
13
TH
M
ARCH

6
PM

We all went out for a family hike again today. As usual, Dad drove his Volvo well over the speed limit. He says that his supernatural vampire speed makes it hard for him to drive as slowly as a human, but I think this is just an excuse. He needs to be careful. He could end up in prison for speeding and then I’d be from a broken home like Darren.

I’ve never understood why Dad buys Volvos. He says they’ve got strong frames which don’t buckle in crashes, but why should we care? We could drive off the edge of a cliff and land in a fireball and we’d all be fine again after ten minutes. Still, at least it stops him from buying a sports car and becoming a complete embarrassment.

9
PM

I’ve found out what ‘ist’ I am - an anarchist! I saw a politician on TV tonight saying that if we don’t spend more on policing, society will break down into lawless anarchy and blood will run in the streets. Sounds brilliant!

M
ONDAY
14
TH
M
ARCH

Craig wore his normal school shoes again today, but as a protest he has written his persuasive writing essay for English about how we shouldn’t have any school uniform at all. I suppose I should agree now that I’m an anarchist.

When I told Chloe, she said he’d been very mature to use his essay as a protest rather than simply writing it about capital punishment like the teacher suggested. I agreed with her wholeheartedly, and hid my capital punishment essay under my folder.

I was worried that John, Si and Brian might have started the rumour that there are vampires in town following my misjudged prank on Saturday night. I need to be very careful not to fuel this kind of gossip given my parents’ reckless attack on the school caretaker. Fortunately, my goth friends are far too stupid to have understood what was going on, and they’ve been boasting about how they banished a spectre from the graveyard instead. Now everyone is chanting the
Ghostbusters
theme at them and I have no sympathy.

T
UESDAY
15
TH
M
ARCH

The English teacher liked Craig’s essay so much she showed it to the headmaster in the staffroom.

The headmaster said that Craig had been very assertive to write an argument against the rules rather than simply breaking them. He said that he couldn’t go as far as to abolish school uniform, but that as a gesture of goodwill, he would let us have a No Uniform Day on Friday if we all give a pound to charity.

Everyone is looking forward to it except for Darren, who only owns his uniform and PE kit, and is so poor that he should be receiving charity money rather than donating it. At first I was pleased about Craig’s moral victory, but I soon began to worry that none of my clothes are cool enough.

When I got home I had to go on at Mum and Dad for ages to get some money for new clothes. Dad said I could wear something from his wardrobe if I wanted. I told him it was No Uniform Day, not Halloween.

I even threatened to run away from home, but I’ve been saying this for over eighty years, so it doesn’t have much effect now. In the end, they coughed up a measly forty pounds, which is barely enough to buy some trousers and a top. When I mentioned to mum that I was going to spend it in the goth shop in the precinct, she even asked me to get her some candles out of the same money! They need to understand that prices have gone up since the nineteenth century.

W
EDNESDAY
16
TH
M
ARCH

Today I found out that my parents have attacked another person here in town! I was in the goth shop, and I heard one of the assistants talking about how he’d been ill for a couple of days and was still feeling ‘seriously weak’. I went to the till and got a good look at his neck. Sure enough, there were a couple of holes right over the jugular.

When I told Mum and Dad about it, they said I must have made a mistake and that the holes were probably just a novelty tattoo, but I know vampire bite marks when I see them. Either they’re liars, or they’re getting so overcome by their desires that they don’t even know they’re doing it any more.

If they must feed on someone in town, they could hardly pick a worse victim that the assistant from the goth store. If a normal human remembers something about the experience afterwards, they’ll assume they’re having flashbacks to a nightmare. But as goths believe in vampires, they’ll have no problem accepting it and blabbing to their friends about how there’s a coven in town. Before we know it, we’ll have a huge queue of idiots in top hats, mesh shirts and winkle pickers banging on our front door and begging to be transformed.

Needless to say, we’d have to move to another town, and I’d be forced to leave my soulmate Chloe behind forever. It would be utterly unbearable.

I told Mum and Dad very firmly to stop snacking on local people willy-nilly, and slammed the door to emphasize my point.

T
HURSDAY
17
TH
M
ARCH

1
PM

According to Craig, the kids from the toughest school in town are coming round after school to steal our phones and snog the best-looking girls. Everyone is really scared. I hope they don’t take Chloe.

7
PM

Nothing happened after school. Craig was just winding us all up. Everyone pretended that they didn’t fall for it, but they did really. I have to admit, even I got swept along in the wave of hysteria.

Why am I so pathetic? I’m supposed to be an ancient and deadly creature of the night. Why was I getting worried about a bunch of kids who wear tracksuits and baseball caps?

10
PM

I am refusing to speak to Mum and Dad until they own up to the attacks on the caretaker and the goth shop assistant. How can they expect me to be open with them when they string out such blatant lies?

The most infuriating thing about all of this is that I only found out about these attacks by chance, so I dread to think how many others they’ve carried out and kept hidden from me. And if they find it so easy to deceive me on this matter, what else are they keeping me in the dark about?

I know I sound paranoid, but this is what I’ve been driven to.

2
AM

Mum and Dad wouldn’t let me have any blood unless I started speaking to them again. I was thirsty, so I had to give in to their demands, but I told them I will be treating everything they say from now on with the utmost suspicion.