Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (6 page)

Then, worst of all, John said that he preferred zombies anyway. Zombies? What have those stinking corpses got to do with vampires? How is this a legitimate comparison? And if even zombies did exist, what kind of cretin would prefer them to pale, beautiful immortals?

I utterly despair of these idiots I am forced to call my friends.

3
AM

I’ve been having a think about what it would be like if I really could transform into a bat and fly into Chloe’s bedroom. Sometimes I wish the myths about vampires were true!

T
HURSDAY
10
TH
F
EBRUARY

10
AM

The girls from my class all fancy the actor from the vampire TV show, and they’ve covered their exercise books with pictures of him in serious and moody poses. How blind of them to obsess over this manufactured image of vampirism when they have the real thing right under their noses.

Sometimes I think these shallow humans don’t deserve my company.

6
PM

In Art today I drew a charcoal picture of a girl fleeing in terror from a vampire in a graveyard. The girl was wearing a thin white dress and looked like Chloe, while the vampire was wearing a cape and looked like me. It was a very corny and inaccurate depiction, but I must admit I found it rather thrilling.

I got worried that Chloe would notice the drawing so I went over it until it turned into abstract shapes. My artistic talent, like my musical talent and my literary talent, must remain cloaked for now.

The art teacher asked me what the abstract shapes represented and I said ‘Desire’. I think she was quite impressed.

F
RIDAY
11
TH
F
EBRUARY

2
PM

We did cooking in Home Economics today, which is always boring for me because I don’t eat. I only took the subject in my options because the alternative was Design and Technology and I’ve heard that includes smoothing down wooden poles on the lathe. Imagine if I tripped over and pierced my heart on one of those things! I’m surprised they even allow it.

We were supposed to be making spaghetti bolognese, and Mrs Molloy told me off for not draining the water before I added the tinned tomatoes. Why would I care? It’s going straight in the bin anyway.

Later I told Chloe about how much I hate cooking, and she said she hates it too! We have so much in common we must be soulmates.

Chloe said that she doesn’t care about cooking because she doesn’t want to end up as a housewife. She wouldn’t have to do any cooking if she was my wife. Or any housework at all if she didn’t want to. All she would have to do is stand on a moonlit balcony wearing a flimsy white dress and offer her perfect white neck to me.

4
PM

The headmaster has announced that there will be a special Valentine’s postal service on Monday. I have just seventytwo hours to compose a message to write in my card to Chloe. Let’s just say that my Maths textbook will go ignored this weekend!

S
ATURDAY
12
TH
F
EBRUARY

This morning I went to the newsagents near the station and bought the biggest card they had. It’s over fifty centimetres high, and features a love heart and a border of red roses. I’m not sure why humans think that particular shape resembles the heart, as it doesn’t look like one to me. Personally, I’d prefer the image of an actual pumping heart, like you’d see in Biology textbooks.

Anyway, I’m guessing that the card is the kind of thing that female humans find appealing. Now to compose an appropriate message...

Have a nice Valentine’s Day. (Too weak.)

Sending you sincere wishes on this Valentine’s Day. (Too formal.)

I’ve been watching you but you don’t know. (Too creepy.)

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve waited a century for a girl like you. (Too corny.)

I’ve searched through the frozen mists of eternity for you. (Too vampirey.)

Yield to the forbidden music of my soul. (Way too vampirey.)

Dear Chloe, please can I sink my teeth into your neck and drink your blood? (One step at a time, Nigel.)

S
UNDAY
13
TH
F
EBRUARY

I have chosen the message for my card...

In eternal admiration, love from ?

As you can see, it has a clever double meaning, because my admiration really is eternal, as I’m immortal.* I have practised writing the message ten times in fancy handwriting and now I shall put it in the card.

Soon you shall join me in my world of darkness, frightened mortal lamb.

* Some pedants complain when this word is used to describe vampires, as we can be killed if you ram a stake through our hearts or lop our heads off. But I’m happy to use it because it sounds cool. Anyway, I’d like to see those pedants heal broken bones in a matter of minutes.

M
ONDAY
14
TH
F
EBRUARY

A worrying development today.

Although my card was the biggest, Chloe got a total of three Valentine’s cards! Three! I know she’s beautiful, but I presumed nobody else would fancy her because she’s a prefect.

How am I going to fend off two love rivals?

I was so worried I hardly noticed that I didn’t get a single card myself. But just imagine the scene if I possessed the vampiric good looks that should be mine. A desk piled high with cards, every pair of female eyes in the room fixed on me, my dark hunter’s eyes meeting Chloe’s expectant gaze, and my voice burning with ancient desire as I proclaim my love for her.

Instead, I get one less card than flea-ridden Darren. I am truly a creature of the damned.

T
UESDAY
15
TH
F
EBRUARY

Though it annoyed me to do so, I sat on a table with the girls from the popular gang in Maths to catch up on the Valentine’s gossip. Based on their information, I’ve compiled a table of suspected love rivals:

Name
Wayne Cross

Likelihood
Very high - told Peter Ellen he fancied her, and Peter told Samantha Jackson.

Threat level
Low - he has bad teeth and even more spots than me, and is from a rougher area of town than Chloe, so there would be a class barrier like in
Wuthering Heights
(which we’re doing in English).

Name
Gary Martin

Likelihood
High - Walked her home once.

Threat level
Low - he has rich parents but attends lunchtime chess club and smells of disinfectant.

Name
Craig Hopper

Likelihood
High - posted eight cards in total.

Threat level
Medium - he is the bestlooking boy in our year, but he says he’s a ladies’ man and doesn’t want to commit himself to one woman.

Name
Sanjay Bhatti

Likelihood
Unknown.