Desire (34 page)

Jace
glances over at me nervously, checking his phone as I’m checking mine. The movie they were watching finishes and Piper stretches her arms over her head and yawns.

“I’m going to grab a shower,” she says.

“Okay. Want to meet me upstairs?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll spare you the indignity of waking up with my cat on your chest again.”

“She makes me sneeze!” he replies defensively as she pokes him in the ribs.

“I know, I know.” Leaning down, she kisses the top of his head. “I’ll be up there in a few minutes, don’t smoke without me.”

Piper disappears into the bathroom and I’m left standing alone with Jace. This is awkward. He knows that I know, I can tell. Refusing to look at him, I wipe down the already clean counters, which makes me think of how I used to do this at the apartment with Isaac. Where the hell is he? Why hasn’t he called?

“I’m not doing what you think I’m doing,” Jace says, leaning against the bar.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do.
And you’re wrong.”

“I better be.”

“And Isaac did
not
ask me to do this. He was fucking livid.”

“Shut the hell up, Jace.”

“No. He think he could lose you over this. We both know that’s not true, it’s about time you made sure he knows it, too.”

The last thing Isaac needs is more stress. “Have you heard from him?”
I ask. It’s 100% official now. No more plausible deniability.

“It’s been almost 48 hours since we talked.
That’s not good.”

“Do you think he’s okay?”

“I have no way to check. He will call you first, of course. If not, I’ll let you know somehow.”

“Thanks.”

Piper’s shower cuts off and he nods, flying out the door before she exits the bathroom. She always looks so excited when she goes up there now. I can’t take this away from her, I just can’t.

Two days later, I wake up to a knock on the door. Overnight delivery, signature required. The only thing inside the box is a cell phone. My heart st
ops beating when I see it. That can’t be good. I look inside to see if there are any numbers, but there aren’t. All I can do is charge it up and wait. It finally rings a few hours later. I practically trip on my own feet to pick it up.

“Maya?”

“Are you okay?”

Isaac
takes a deep breath and I hear the sound of traffic in the background. “Not really.”

“What happened?”

“I can’t come see you for a while. I’m sorry it took me so long to call,” he chokes. “We got in a huge fight. She thinks I’m fucking somebody, she was completely hysterical. It’s not like she’s wrong.”

“Because of the birthday trip?” I
say.

He sighs raggedly. “Yeah, I
blew her off. I had no idea she was planning something so elaborate. I’m so sorry, I really didn’t think this would happen.”

“It’s okay, baby.”

“It’s not, it’s really not.” Is he crying? “She found my phone. I delete everything but… I think she took it to get analyzed or something.” Holy shit. My head starts to spin. “I need you to get rid of that other one, okay?”

“What would she find, Isaac?
”

“Um… not much between us, we were always pretty good about keeping the texts vague. But… Maya, I have a confession to make. Please don’t get mad at me, I only do what I have to do.”

“I know,” I whisper, listening to him choke out a sob. “Hey, calm down, Isaac. I won’t get mad, I’ll
never
leave you, baby, no matter what. Ever. There’s nothing you can do, okay? Nothing.”

“I lied to you.”

“I don’t care, I really don’t.”

“I wasn’t just talking to you on that phone. I still talk to their girls.”

“The ones you used to…”

“Yeah,” he answers, his voice cracking. “I thought this might happen, I didn’t want it to look like there was just one person. And…”

“Isaac, breathe. It’s okay. I’m not angry or hurt, I understand.”

“Christina. I’ve been talking to her, too.”

“I don’t give a shit. And if you’re about to tell me you slept with her before, don’t worry about it.”

“I didn’t. I’ve been trying to help her get back together with Luke. That’s all it is.
I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“Gloria is beyond pissed off. I might have to disappear for a while.”

I am not going to
freak out. “For how long?”

“I’m not sure,” he sobs. “
I don’t think I’ll have to, hopefully if I just stay in for a while… I don’t know.”

“Isaac, what if you…”

“I won’t do that to you, I just can’t.”

“It’s not really cheat
ing on me, baby. I’d rather have you—”

“No!” he screeches. “Absolutely not, no fucking way.”

“But I don’t want to lose you. I’ll be able to handle it.”

“No, you won’t. And I
sure as hell fucking won’t be able to handle it. I need to be able to look at your face.”

“Exactly. Me too. And if I have to pick between that and you disappearing for a while, I’ll take that. No contest.”

“Maya…” He breaks down. I would do anything to be able to hold him right now, anything. “I don’t think it’s come to that yet, okay? But maybe…” There’s scuffling that I don’t understand, but I can hear him grunting and growling. To my knowledge, it’s been a long time since he raged out like this. It’s tearing my heart out, I can’t stand it. I’m not sure where he is, but he’s got to be drawing attention to himself.

“Isaac!” I scream, hopefully loud enough
for him to hear me because I doubt he’s still holding the phone. It sounds like he’s punching or kicking something and for a few seconds I start to panic, wondering if he’s fighting someone, but then his ragged breathing gets louder and slower. He picked up the phone again.

“Sorry,” he says
flatly. I can practically see his pupils dilating. He probably took it before he called, it must have finally kicked in. “I’m probably worried about nothing,” he lies, for his benefit as much as mine. “It’s just hard to be away from you, especially after having you for so long.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s okay. Did you hurt yourself?”

“I’m fine,” he assures me. I let out a hint of a frustrated sigh. “Okay, I fucked my knuckles up a little, nothing that bad. And there will still be scabs for you to kiss because I am going to find a way to see you soon, I fucking swear.”

“Don’t do anything crazy.”

He laughs. “I’ll try to resist. And hopefully I’ll be able to log on in a few days, I’m just paranoid about the Internet right now. I’ll call you the moment I can, okay?”

“Okay,” I whimper. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby.”

“Be careful, Isaac.
Please.
”

“I will. And Maya, don’t you even think for a second that I’m fucking her, because I will not do that. I don’t have to, I swear. So keep it out of your head.”

“Is that an order, Coach?” I tease.

“You’re fucking right it is, Rookie. I’m serious.”

It takes a while to stop saying goodbye and kissing each other through the phone. I haven’t felt this horrible sinking sensation in my belly for so long, it seems like a different life. Who knows when I’ll talk to him again,
if
I’ll ever get to talk to him again?

I can’t let myself think about it for a second
, I have to go to school. I would take the day off to curl up in a little ball, but what the fuck good would that do? And Isaac will know. I don’t even want to think about how. The last thing he needs is more guilt, so I grab my stuff, pushing the anguish and fear deep down until it almost disappears. Ignoring the pain used to be so much easier.

Isaac
doesn’t log on for a few days. Then a few days bleeds into a few more until it’s well over a week, each second ticking by so slowly it may as well be an eternity. I’ve been worrying so much, it’s starting to feel like the new normal. I get one text that he’s okay, just one, and I can’t even text him back.

I try to tell Piper that we’re just fight
ing, but she doesn’t buy it for a second, insisting that she and Jace stay here more. He doesn’t look as worried, flashing me a reassuring grin every so often when she isn’t looking. And one morning, there’s a sachet of catnip and a tin of cookies on my desk in my bedroom, the same ones that he made me on my first day of school. That means he must be able to sneak away to the club to see Jace. It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to go there, even if all I’d get was a glimpse of him. But it’s just too dangerous, she’s probably got someone watching him.

Osbourne compliments me on my performance, glad to see that I’m getting my focus back. He’s right. I start showing up at the library to tutor whenever I don’t have anything to do. Staying busy is essential, it’s the only way to keep it together. But there’s only so much to do
. Every so often, I have to be idle. I dread those moments so much, I get shaky just thinking about it. The wait between my classes is the worst. And the half hour or so it takes me to fall asleep, but at least then I can disappear into my head without looking like a crazy person. It’s like I have an emotional jerk bank of memories to spend time with Isaac. I can fall asleep with his arms around me if I relax enough. It feels so real in the moment, but that just makes me miss him so much more when I pull myself out of it. Isaac can’t do that. He’s all alone.

40

Maya

“Hello Maya.”

“Luke.” Somehow I didn’t see him until he was a few feet away from me. I guess that’s what I get for zoning out and walking at the same time. “What are you doing here?”

“Visiting you in a public place instead of at home so you’ll feel more comfortable.”

“Oh.” I guess that was thoughtful.

“You don’t have any more classes today, right?”

“No, I’m done.”

“So where are you headed?”

“To the library. I’m tutoring again.”

“Are you in a hurry?”

“Not really,” I answer honestly.

Gesturing toward a bench, he flashes me a hopeful smile. “Can we talk?” He’s acting so
sweet. This has to be a trick.

“Are we just going to have the same conversation?”

“Maybe. I hope not.”

I glan
ce around the Lawn and spot the same guy I saw in the hallway that night Isaac knew Luke was coming over, the one in his early thirties that dresses way too young. He’s staring right at us. It’s probably best to hear Luke out rather than make a scene, so I sit down even though it turns my stomach.

“So how are you doing?” I ask him.

“Alright. You?”

“I’m fine.”

“I like your shirt.”

Great. “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do,” he insists. “I’m sorry that I tried to change you.”

“No, you’re sorry
that I didn’t change.”

“Actually, I’m glad it didn’t work. It was a stupid idea. There was never anything wrong with you to begin with
. I liked you how you were, I always have.”

“Luke—”

“Even before we started dating. Way before that. Ten year old Maya would have loved that t-shirt.” This is ironic. I’m wearing a shirt with different species of beetles and butterflies lined up in rows. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, not in a screwed up way or anything, obviously. And I’ve been thinking about who I was back then.”

“That was then and this is now.”

“Do you remember that big tree you kids would climb to jump in the lake?”

“Yes.”

“I used to watch you guys. You, specifically. You always climbed higher than the other kids. Higher than all the boys, higher than the braver girls.”

“I was the smallest one
. The branches on top couldn’t hold them.”

“But you still went up there. You weren’t scared.”

“Oh, my God, yes I was,” I chuckle. “I was petrified the first few times.”

“So why did you climb up so high?”

“Because they told me I couldn’t do it.”

“So you had to prove them wrong?”

“No. I just wanted to prove it to myself. It was a challenge. And it was exciting, once I got over the fear. I liked the rush of the fall. The way the wind whipped through my hair and how quiet it was when I plunged in so deep it felt like my head was getting crushed from the pressure. It took forever to surface, that first breath was incredible.” Why am I rambling on about this? He’s just staring at me. It’s way too easy to talk to him and forget about what he did and who he is. Being with him is so familiar, I would have totally fallen back into old habits if it weren’t for Isaac. But maybe not. Every time I actually try to look him in the face, I get a chill.

“I’m sorry I tried get rid of that part of you. I don’t
even understand why I wanted it gone. It’s the best part of you.”

“I was just a kid. It was just a tree.
A mostly dead tree, actually. It’s gone now. They ripped it down a few years later, that same summer you fucked me in that house way before you should have.”

“It’
s not like I popped your cherry,” he scoffs. He’s still pissed off about that. What a jerk.

“You would have. You were an adult, I was a kid. You shouldn’t have done that, like you shouldn’t have done a lot of things.”

“I know.” Leaning closer, he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “What can I say? I was crazy about you then and I’m crazy about you now. Maya, it’s been more than a month.”

“That’s not much of a break, Luke.”

“It has been for me. I miss you.”

Shit. I honestly thought this was over. “I’
ve been pretty busy.”

“Is there someone else?”

“No,” I shoot back. “Of course not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Luke, I honestly don’t have the time or desire to date anyone right now. And this is a little hypocritical of you.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that
too. You can keep your pussy licking boyfriend Sam,” he says. My eyes widen and I finally force myself to look at his. “Yeah, I know about him.”

“I know you do. I made sure you did, I wanted to make you jealous.”

“Well, it worked. And then again, it didn’t. I was threatened, but it didn’t really bother me. I don’t know why, because normally, I don’t let…”

“Seriously?” I snap. “Just fucking say it. You don’t let your other girlfriends fuck around, right?”

“Not on their own, no.”

“Well, you sure know how to make a girl feel special.”

“You can sleep with whoever you want, I don’t care.”
Oh, I bet you would if you knew who I’ve been sleeping with lately.
“We had a plan. An entire fucking plan for our entire lives together. I don’t want to throw it away.”

“I don’t think it’s a workable plan
anymore, Luke.”

“It’s not that broken. We’re supposed to be together. You’re the one for me, I’m the one for you.
”
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
“That is always going to be true. We don’t have to do that shit, we don’t even have to fuck for a while. But I want to. At least one more time. I want to prove to you that I can be different.”

Maybe if I clench my jaw hard enough he won’t see it shaking. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“This is going to happen,” he informs me. Everything gets so cold I can’t feel my fingers and toes. “Maybe not now, but it’s us. This is what we do, it’s inevitable. I don’t want it to be ten years from now after I marry somebody else. We’ll run in to each other at some party, I’ll want you, you’ll want me. We’ll sneak off and figure out that we could have made it work if we had just tried, but it will be too late.”

It’s already too late. I don’t want to try again.
“I’m not ready to think about this yet.”

“You’re already thinking about it
. I know you.”
No, you don’t.
“So let’s start over.”

“I can’t
,” I whisper, my mouth completely dry.

“Not yet, maybe. But you will. I’ll prove it to you somehow, you know how I am.”

“Luke…”

“Don’t worry. There’s no rush. I’ll let you get to your tutoring.” He kisses me on the cheek
before he gets up to leave. “I still love you, Maya.”

I’m frozen in place for a while after he’s gone. I’m not sure if that was some kind of a threat or if he’s being sincere. I’m not even sure there’s a difference between the two.
Like he said, I know how he is.

*
*******

T
hree weeks, five days, six hours, and fourteen minutes since the last time I heard Isaac’s voice. The library is about to close and there’s nobody to help with their homework anyway. I don’t want to go home. I swear Ashlyn Junior’s eyes ask me where he is as soon as I walk through the door, though logically I am totally projecting that on her. I think about it all the time. I hope he’s just staying put in her house, I hope he didn’t have to run. But he couldn’t have, he would have grabbed me. Right? He would have at least called to say goodbye.

I’d like to think there’s no way he’d leave me behind, but I’m not sure. He is
annoyingly committed to not ruining my life. In his mania when he’s inside me, he tells me that he’ll never let me go, that keeping me is more important than anything. But it’s not. He’s better than that. He might not think so, but when push comes to shove, he’ll chose me over himself. And even though smart girls like me don’t give up everything for a boy when they fall in love, I wish his selfishness would win that battle. I’d run away with him in a heartbeat and I seriously doubt that I would ever regret it.

Watching other happy couples makes it so much harder. Even not
-so-happy couples make me sick with jealousy, like the one I can’t stop staring at right now. I can’t stand this girl. I know for a fact that she is dating someone else, yet here she is all over this other guy. It’s none of my business, for all I know they broke up this morning which could explain why she’s sulking, or her boyfriend is totally cool with this, but I don’t care. I still hate her. A lot. Like, way more than I should.

The secret phone
vibrates in my pocket. Isaac is the only one that has this number. It pulls me out of my stupor, my heart pounding so hard that my entire head is throbbing to the point where I think I’m having an aneurysm.
Me too
. The text twists my heart in half as my stomach relaxes in relief. It’s been so long, that’s all I get and I can’t reply. I think I’m going to throw up. The chick across the room pulls out her phone right after I do. She just texts like it’s nothing, probably to her
real
boyfriend, and then goes right back to this lame ass pouty flirting routine.

I want to text him back so bad, just so he knows for sure I got it. God
, she’s such a bitch! I’m not supposed to say that, Isaac would be so disappointed if he heard my thoughts right now. But what the fuck you stupid bitch, you’re just sitting there crying and conning this dude. What the hell do you have to cry about?

I start to tear up.
I have to text him, I miss him so bad. It hurts all the time, it’s physically painful. My thumb is so shaky and if I’m going to break the radio silence rule, I should at least spell this right, not that I know what to say. Ambiguous, but it needs to make him smile. Or feel something. Or know I’m still here and I am in agony like he is. I can see his smile, feel him laugh against my skin and I wish he was here. So. Fucking. Much. I start crying, choking out a loud sob that echoes through the silent room and now those two people that I’ve been judging so harshly are staring at me. That was mean, they were just going about their day trying to fuck each other over. What should I say? What would he say, he
always
says the right thing for me. Oh. That’s perfect.
Always.