Desire (15 page)

“I have to see him face to face. I can’t do it.”

“That is not happening right now. Stop thinking about him. There is an ocean between the two of you and I’m right here.”

“Isaac…”

“Shhhh,” he whispers, kissing my temple and rocking me back and forth. “You’re okay, baby. You’re okay.”

I
can’t let myself do this. Appearing confident and independent is a huge part of this plan. I can’t keep falling apart every time I think about him. Luke probably won’t do anything anyway. Isaac said he’s never hurt a girl that left him before, that’s not his style. Even if he does, it won’t be for a long time until he realizes that we’re over. So I have to stop being a blubbering moron. Right now. I fling the covers off us as Isaac looks at me with the expression he wears when I’m about to freak out.

“
Help me get him out of my room,” I demand.

“Huh?”

“I want his stuff gone. You don’t have to help if it will set you off. Maybe you could take a walk for a while or something.”

“There is no way in hell I’m leaving you alone right now.”

“I’m fine,” I reply. He looks at me skeptically. “Seriously. I think I just flipped a switch or something. I’m sick of fucking sobbing all the time, that’s not who I am. I’ve cried more in the last twenty days than I have in the last twenty years and I’m over it. I’ve already changed enough for him.”

A proud smile crosses his face. “Okay, where do you want to start
?”

“My closet. Really, that’s the only thing left. I already boxed up any stupid trinkets so we wouldn’
t have to look at them.” I gesture to the shoebox that I sat right outside my bedroom door so it wouldn’t be in the same room with us.

“You were together for a year and a half and everything he ever bought you fits in a
shoebox
?”

“Yep. He’s a dick.” I shrug as Isaac tries not to laugh and fails. “And speaking of shoeboxes, the one you gave me full of cash is under my bed. It’s kind of freaking me out, too. You can have it back.”

“Out of the question.”

“I don’t need your money.”

“I need you to keep it,” he insists.

“Isaac…”

“It’s the money he gave me to train you. I can’t keep that. It should go to you, you’re the one who went through hell.”

“He gave you
forty thousand dollars
for that?”

“Okay, technically he gave me twenty grand, but five of it went back to my… well, let’s call
them my former employers, for expenses. And I couldn’t be outdone by letting him give you fifteen, so I gave you twenty five.”

“I don’t want it. That’s not why I’m with you.”

“I know.” He stops my hand before I open my closet, spinning me to face him. “I swear, I know that. But this is extremely important to me. You could get in a car and disappear for a little while if you need to, if something happens to me. I need that peace of mind. Please don’t fight me on this.”

He
truly is worried, it’s written all over his face. And it does make sense to have a safety net. “Fine. If it makes you feel better. But I’m not spending a dime of it.”

“That’s
not a problem.”

“When this is over, I’m donating that fifteen grand to a charity or something.”

“I’ll help you pick one out.” He kisses every one of my fingertips and drops my hands.

With a deep breath, I steel myself and open the closet door.
Okay this sucks. I really love these clothes, I don’t care that he gave them to me. Isaac might be turned on by my nerdier tendencies, but they never carried over to my fashion sense, if anything it’s quite the opposite. The three nerdy t-shirts I own were definite exceptions to the rule. I’ve never even worn them out of the house.

“I take it you like your wardrobe quite a bit.”

There’s no point denying it, I’m clearly doing a crap job hiding my disappointment. “I really do,” I grumble. “But I don’t want to wear these anymore either, it’s not just you. I just seriously regret purging my closet of my old stuff and taking it back to the thrift store where I found it. It took me years to build that collection.”

“Does he know you did that?”

“I doubt it, I never said anything.”

“Well, I’ll buy it for you again.”

“I doubt it’s still there, Isaac.”

“New stuff, Maya,” he chuckles.

I hesitate, pursing my lips. “Maybe a few things.”

“You are so fucking cute when you pout.”

I start pulling the clothes off their hangers and stuffing them into a garbage bag. I’ll probably need three. This is obviously bothering Isaac, so I do it as quickly as possible, but I can’t stop myself from pausing on my favorite Chanel dress, sliding my fingers across the soft silk.

“Okay, fuck this,” he breathes, grabbing the dress out of my hands. I drop my chin and stare up at him as my heart rate increases. I should have done this before he came over yesterday. “Don’t cower
away from me, I’m not pissed at you.” He tightens his fist around my dress and I cringe at the idea of wrinkling the fabric. “I want to tell you to keep your clothes, and some of them are fucking gorgeous by the way, I’m sure you look amazing.” As amazing as I can, I guess, but I don’t dare say that out loud right now. “But I can’t because I’m a jealous fucking bastard and as much as I try not to be, it just keeps getting worse.”

“T
hanks for… trying?” I’m not sure what to say to that one, because it honestly doesn’t bother me. “And telling me.”

“S
o let’s compromise.”

“It’s not a compromise, Isaac, I don’t want to keep this stuff.”

“Whatever. Pick out your favorites, I’ll re-buy them for you.”

“You will?” I
say, unable to hide my excitement. He nods and flashes me that cocky grin. “Can I pick out the colors I want? He always made me get black or gray.”

“Okay, I wasn’t going to mention
anything, just in case that’s your style, but I wondered what was up with the funeral look. What an ass.”

“I prefer blue.”

“Me too.”

“But there’s no point buying
them, I’ll probably get fat again soon. Most of these were a reward for getting down to a size two.”

Isaac sighs in disgust. “W
hat size did you wear when you started the extreme diet?”

“
Six.”

“I
n what fucking universe is that fat?”

“O
urs.”

“M
aya…”

“
But I’m short!”

“
Would you tell Piper a size six is ‘fat’?” he chastises me.

“N
o,” I concede. “You’re right, it’s a shitty thing to say.”

“Well, you can have a rain check on the clothes.”

“Maybe we could get the Chanel right away,” I suggest, biting my lower lip and using just a hint of my whiny voice to help my case. “I would’ve picked that one in black.”

“Where are you going to wear it, around the house?”

“I need something to wear if Piper drags me to one of her father’s parties.”

“Does that happen often?”

“No, only every other month or so. But there’s one coming up soon after she gets back.”

“Will Luke be there?”

“I hope not, but maybe.” I wince as the words leave my mouth and Isaac’s eyes flare. “I sort of have to go, it won’t look right if I don’t.”

“To who?”

“Piper’s parents. We don’t really mingle, we don’t get seats or anything. Piper’s mom just drags her around to see her friends, she has to make an appearance. It takes about an hour, we bail out before the thing actually gets started.”

“If you could let me know the exact time and date that would be
very helpful.”

“Come to think of it, she hasn’t
mentioned it, not that we’ve talked in a while. Maybe she’s protesting this year. It’s usually in mid-August.”

“Okay.
Try to convince her to protest.” He exhales loudly, shaking his head. “In the meantime…” He scoops me up into his arms after I tie the last bag of clothes shut, kissing my neck as I giggle. “Let’s work on getting you up to a size four. We are going out to lunch and nerdy t-shirt shopping.”

“We are?
Is that safe?”

“Nope. That’s why we’re driving to New Haven.
I found a specialty store.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. So get dressed.” He slaps my ass. “It shouldn’t be that hard to pick something out considering you now own two pairs of pants and four shirts.”

“Seven,” I correct him.

11

Maya

I’m surprisingly calm as I wait for Luke to arrive at the restaurant where we agreed to meet. He called me dramatic when I wouldn’t come to his house and it was everything I could do to stop myself from telling him to fuck off forever. It wouldn’t have affected him much, I’ve said that before and not meant it. But I definitely do now. I just want the whole thing over, this wait for him to break up with you bullshit is going to be awful.

It took him a week to call me. Isaac knew he was back in the country for three days beforehand, I don’t even want to know how. Playtime
really is over now, I guess. Piper gets back in two days and I have no idea how she is going to react. We won’t be able to hang out at my place as much, but that means more road trips, which are really fun.

The air flees my lungs and my heart thumps against my sternum when Luke walks in. Twenty minutes late, just like Isaac said he’d be to make sure I know that he’s not in any hurry. It’s easy to not be afraid of him when Isaac is around, but now that I’m alone, it’s completely different. Our eyes lock and I try to smile a little bit
, struggling to hold my head up and keep my back straight. Body language is very important.

He insisted that we come to an upscale restaurant and even told me what to wear. I refused and we compromised on something closer to my house that wasn’t
nearly as expensive. Still, I feel out of place here in jeans and this baggy t-shirt. It’s purple, Luke’s least favorite color.

S
auntering toward me like nothing is different, he even looks a little excited to see me, but then he obviously checks out a waitress that isn’t his type just to make a point. I used to hate it when he did that, but my jealously doesn’t flare in the slightest. We haven’t gone out that much, but I haven’t seen Isaac’s eyes wander even once.

I can’t believe I
was so hot for this guy, but that’s probably because I pretty much hate him at this point. Objectively, he’s still quite attractive, turning the heads of several women as he walks by. Great body, though compared to Isaac he looks a little puffy to me now. Classic All American good looks, blond wavy hair, piercing blue eyes, and a killer, panty dropping, smile. But he’s not wearing it now, he actually looks a little nervous.

“Hello Maya.”

“Hi.” I shudder at the sound of his voice and if I was standing up I’d fall over.

“You look… well,” he lies as he sits down. He totally thinks I look like shit.

“Thanks. You look great, nice tan. Did you have a nice vacation?”

“I did.” He takes a sip of his water. “Are you still pouting that I didn’t take you?”

My temper flares. I never even asked and I didn’t want to go.
“Not really, no.”

“So how long
are you going to stay mad at me?”

“Probably for a while.”

“You are the one who wanted to do this.”

You set it up three months before you even mentioned it, you jerk!
“That isn’t true.”

“Well
, obviously you liked some of it or you wouldn’t have stayed for 24 fucking days, Maya. You’re such a tease, I honestly thought I was coming home to a great time. A new start for us.”

“Well, you are getting a new start, but it probably won’t be the great time
that you were hoping for.”

“24 days.” Isaac said he’d
keep bringing this up, but it still makes me nervous.

“I really tried,” I
rasp, reaching shakily for my water because my mouth is so dry I feel like I’ve swallowed sand. “For you. I really wanted to do it, but I couldn’t.”

That softened his temper.
“Got too heavy at the end, huh?”

“You could say that, yeah.”

“That’s okay, cutie.” Oh, God. He means that and he sounds really sweet. Dammit. “We don’t have to go that far.”

“I’m not doing this anymore. At all.”

“Maya…”

“At all, Luke. None of it. You said it didn’t matter to you.”

“Maybe I lied. Some of it might matter to me quite a bit.”

“Well, then, we have a big problem. Because honestly, the idea of fucking you right now is basically terrifying and downright disgusting.”
I need to calm down.

“Excuse me?
”

“You heard me.”
Shit.

“Who the
hell do you think you’re talking to?”

“
My boyfriend. Who I am equal to,” I reply, surprising myself at my own confidence. He rolls his eyes. “The man I love that basically just ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and doesn’t seem to give the slightest of shits.”

“I’m…” For
a few seconds, he actually looks sorry. I wonder if he is. Unfortunately, his massive ego rears its ugly head. “Do you seriously want an apology for doing something that you agreed to do?”

“No. I want you to apologize for thinking I’m a, now what did he say, oh, right, a trailer park slut. A dirty whore. A nasty cunt.
Stupid fucking bitch
,” I spit venomously, “was my personal favorite, but I’m guessing
white trash skank
was yours.”

“Keep your fucking voice down,” he sna
ps, much louder than I was talking, drawing the momentary attention of the diners around us.

“Tell me, Luke
, exactly which one were you looking forward to the most? I’d like to hear it in your voice for once.”

“What do you want me to say? I’m a kinky guy
. Sorry you can’t handle that.”

“Kinky my ass, Luke. That’s how you really feel. So just say it already,”

“Fuck you, Maya.”

“No, fuck you, Luke. I’m not doing this again.
Ever
.”

“So, what, you
’re breaking up with me now?”

YES!!!!
“I didn’t say that.” Holy shit, do I wish I could, it takes every ounce of willpower not to scream it at him. I take a deep breath as we stare at each other silently. The waiter watches us from a few tables away, clearly reluctant to take our drink order. “Honestly, I feel like you’re breaking up with me,” I whisper.

Dropping my chin like Isaac told me to, I struggle to look meek and sad. Luke’s shoulders square
immediately and an infuriating smirk plays on his lips, but he also look a little relieved. “Well, I’m not.”

“But you don’t love me, do you?”

“Of course I do,” he says softly, reaching across the table for my hand. I nearly throw up in my mouth when I give it to him.

“
No you don’t.” My lips tremble as tears fill my eyes. I want my hand out of his, but I can’t pull it back. “You can’t, not if that’s really what you think of me.”

“It’s not,
Maya. It’s just a game.”

“That we were supposed to start playing and never stop. You said that you can’t turn it off, that you want to do this full time. Therefore that’s what you think of me, all the time.”

“It doesn’t have to be full time.”

“Just every time we have sex?”

“Maya… you’ll come around and I’ll go easy on the name calling thing. You know how you are, you say you don’t want something but you end up liking it eventually.”

“Not this. I have virtually no libido anymore. You killed it. And I can’t even imagine
sleeping with you right now, I can’t trust you to stay tame, I don’t even want to be alone with you. This
seriously
fucked me up and you’re not even sorry.” I breathe out a sigh of relief when he pulls his hand away, I just can’t help it. He starts to lie. “Don’t bother. I won’t believe it. The useless fucking slut is leaving now.” I start to get up.

“Wait,” he orders
. I sit back down even though I’m dying to run away. I can’t antagonize him. “Where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know, Luke, I really don’t. That’s up to you.”

“Do you want to start over?” he asks, and I finally see the worry in his eyes. He doesn’t want to lose me, he likes to push me around, but as soon he thinks I might actually leave him, everything is totally different. That attachment was so comforting, I would always think about it even when I couldn’t see it. Now I’m trying to destroy it.

“
It’s too late to start over,” I croak. “I can’t pretend this didn’t happen. You don’t have to say it out loud, I’ll hear it every time you say my name.”

“You
are focusing way, way too much on that part. That’s… not how I feel about you at all. Maybe that’s why I want to say it, I don’t know.”

“Do you think you could live like we’re a normal couple now?”

“Definitely,” he replies, smiling. “I always knew this was a long shot.”

“But you’ll always want something else.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Yes, you will. But you’ll just get it from somebody else, right? So of course you could live without it at home.”

“Maya, don’t make me say things you don’t want to hear.”

“
That sure has a double meaning now, doesn’t it?” I laugh bitterly. “I have to go, I need to think. I’m sure you can find someone to suck your dick tonight, have a great time. I’ll be crying at home, think about that, it’ll make you harder.”

I dab my tears away and slap the cloth napkin down on the table, along with a ten dollar bill for the waiter’s trouble. Luke rises to his feet and grabs my forearm
harshly as I pass him. “We are not done here yet.” There goes his sweet side.

“Get your hands off me,” I growl, loud enough to make a scene. “You don’t get to touch me anymore. Call me when you calm down.”

Eyeing the concerned patrons around him, he drops my arm, a familiar coldness narrowing his eyes. I don’t even have to wonder how this would have gone down if we were at his house right now and if I think about it too much, I’ll pass out.

I walk out of the restaurant as quickly as I can wi
thout running, feeling his enraged eyes boring into me. My hands tremble as they force the keys in the ignition and pull away before he gets out the door. When I get to the first light, I text Isaac on my second phone to let him know that I’m okay. He’s strolling around my neighborhood and will come over as soon as I let him know I’m home.

The first thing I do when I get in my house is head straight for the bathroom and puke.
I sound like a demon. No, I sound like Isaac. Loud footsteps quickly approach me at the first heave. He must have let himself in early.

“I’m okay, just give me a few seconds,” I say, my words echoing off the porcelain.

“Maya?”

Crap
. My head whips to the side to see my roommate standing in the doorway. “Piper. Back early, I see.”

“Holy shit, are you okay?” She kneels next to me and gathers my hair
at the back of my neck. “Oh, God. Tell me you’re not pregnant.”

“I’m not. I just got back from seeing Luke for the first time.”

“Oh, Maya,” she coos, scooting next to me. “It will be okay. How’d he take it?”

I savor this
fleeting moment of sisterly love, her arm gently wrapped around my waist as she leans her head on my shoulder reassuringly. She’s my best friend in the whole world, but I don’t think that will help much, at least at first. “Okay, that part is
extremely
complicated. I can’t break up with him yet.”

“You are fucking kidding me, right?” She pulls away. “What the hell is it going to take?”

“You don’t understand. I’m trying, but it’s not safe to stomp on his pride. I have to trick him into leaving me. We have a well thought out plan, it just might take a while.”

“We? Who the fuck is we?”

“I, um, sort of fell in love with the scary sex master,” I blurt out.

“You what?”

“It’s incredibly complicated.”

“Ya think? Are you nuts? That guy hit you!”

“No, he didn’t. It wasn’t like that.”

“So what, you’re dating him now?”

“Yeah. Secretly.” My phone vibrates loudly against the tiled floor. “And he’s going to be here in, like, thirty seconds.”

“
Are you fucking serious right now?” she fumes.

“Yes. His na
me is Isaac. Don’t make a scene, please. I’m kind of hanging by a thread here.”

She looks com
pletely bewildered as I rise to my feet, patting her on the shoulder just as he knocks on the door. Running toward it, I feel better immediately and I can’t believe how much I want to see him. Maybe we should go somewhere, but all I want to do is hide in bed with his arms around me. Why did she have to get back two days early? Talk about shitty timing.

A heady mix of excitement and relief washes over me as soon as his concerned eyes meet mine. I miss him terribly when he can’t be here and it’s just going to get worse now.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes darting nervously around the apartment. “How did it go?”

“Sort of like you said it would. He grabbed me when I tried to leave, though.” My voice
cracks. “He said we should try to start over.”