Denial (50 page)

“What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean.” He’s not the only one that can read the other like an open book sometimes.

He glances down guiltily. “I don’t know. A lot of things.”

“Good things?”

“Yes.”

“So like what then?” Am I fishing? Does he want to say what I want to say? The only three words I have to describe this, but can’t, not really. It’s too soon. He looks nervous. Don’t put him on the spot. “It’s okay,” I backpeddle, sinking against his chest.

Heavy arms encircle me with a sigh. “I was wondering I guess, hoping.” Don’t ask about what. It increases the chances of getting an answer. “About us. If we’d ever get to be normal. And what it would be like.”

“Oh.” I want to tell him that we will, that it will all work out. He has to be thinking about what’s going to happen when the bubble pops as much as I am. I hope he is. And then again, I don’t, because it’s so painful and terrifying.

“I want to take you somewhere.”

“Where?”

“Anywhere. The destination doesn’t matter. It’s the taking.”

“Like a date?”

A wall of confidence tumbles down. “Yeah. I’ve never actually been on one.”

“So our first date will be your first date?”

“Yes.” He kisses me quickly. “Maya, would you like to go out with me sometime?”

My heart flutters. That was so cute. Formal, like he’d rehearsed it a thousand times but was still nervous. “Yes, Isaac, I would love to.” Our smiles collide.

“It’s a little out of order.”

“Fuck it,” I shrug, getting a grin out of him.

“So how’s tomorrow sound?”

I laugh but he doesn’t. “We can’t.” Can we? “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I need to get out of here, don’t you? Fresh air. Maybe something green and leafy to go with it.”

“Like trees?”

“Is that what they’re called? I can’t remember. I never see them anymore. I sort of miss them.”

“Me too,” I answer, sparking the air between us. The bubble is great, but when you’re not riding somebody it’s still made of soundproof walls and windows that don’t open. Sort of like a prison, but with great food and awesome sex and only one other really hot, sweet, relatable cell mate who’s tongue fucking my mouth right now.

“So a hiking date, then? Way outside of town.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really,” he says honestly, with a splash of fear. “But I can’t stand this. And it’s probably the safest time to go.”

I used to have such good judgment. A solid head on my shoulders. I was a practical girl. Then I met Isaac. “Okay.”

“I mean, we should practice. We’ll be doing a lot riskier stuff than this soon.”

“Yeah.” Too soon.

“And it will be nice to be with you and not be able to tear your clothes off whenever I want to. Which is basically every second I’m around you.”

“It will?”

“Yes. How often do we finish a conversation?”

“Never.”
Because you seduce me. Every. Fucking. Time
. This date just got a whole lot more appealing.

“And it’s really low risk.
Luke’s out of the country. So is my father. I don’t know a lot of hikers.”

“Stop trying to convince yourself, it’s making me more nervous.”

“Okay,” he chuckles, kissing the top of my head.

“Are you seriously hard again?”

“I’m not exactly soft.”

“Geez, Isaac.”

“I’m excited, I can’t help it.”

“About the date?”

“Yeah,” he admits sheepishly.

“Me too.”

“Skipping the traditional ‘me too’ kiss is advisable,” he murmurs, sliding closer to me.

“Yeah, we should get an early start.” But my lips press against his and we lose it for a moment.

“We should really get some sleep.”

We don’t, because he fucks me again, and takes his time. Then immediately afterwards we start giggling and force our eyes to stay closed, because that’s the only way to avoid doing it again. And again, and again.

We get a late start but we go anyway. We have to seize every moment.

*************

“Fuck.”

A bell over the door stifles the next expletive that tumbles off his tongue without a hint of surprise, like he knew this day was coming all along. I don’t even have to turn around to know why he’s looking over my shoulder with slightly frantic eyes. Isaac is watching someone that he knows, someone that might recognize him walk into this gas station in the obscure far suburb that we thought would be safe enough.

“Don’t stand too close to me,” he whispers, picking up the nearest item on the shelf and pretending to look at it.

“I’m not.”

“It’s like we practiced. Just go to the car and pull away. I’ll start walking west.”

My heart is thudding
against my ribs as I watch him fighting the mounting tension attacking every perfectly formed muscle in his body. This is not a false alarm. His eyes are darting up every few seconds, tracking the movement of the man that could end everything. Or, oh God, please don’t be one of the hundreds of women he’s slept with that happened to move out to Mayberry to start over.  Though that would probably be the best case scenario really, because I suppose they wouldn’t want to spill their own secrets.

“Should I go now? Maybe buy something first?”

“Yeah. Pick me up a Monster, too. The white one.” Aw. That’s sweet. Trying to act like he isn’t worried.

“Okay. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“Be careful,” he mumbles, fingers straining towards me from a palm he keeps firmly pressed against his thigh. It’s nearly impossible not to touch him.

With a deep breath, I slowly move toward the drink case, unsure of which of the customers in this behemoth expressway gas and candy supercenter I need to avoid. The problem with having a secret relationship with my professional sex coach boyfriend is that everyone he knows is sneaking around too, so they could end up in bumfuck just like us.

My eyes are down as I wait in line, but they desperately want to watch Isaac as he walks out the door because it might be the last time I ever see him. The rest of me is screaming to run after him to make sure that it isn’t. Is it always going to be like this? Every moment could be the last one. I knew this was a bad idea. We shouldn’t have gone out. It’s just so hard to resist him when he wants to do normal couple stuff.

The best thing that ever happened to me is headed west into who knows what and I’m stuck
in this line behind a woman spending a ridiculously large sum of money on a complex variety of scratch lottery tickets. Calm down. He’s going to be fine. It’s probably not taking as much time as it seems.

My mind wanders back to last night after he asked me on a date. Then it flashes further back to an image the makes my skin flush, the makeup sex we had after our first and only real fight. After three straight days in a twilight zone of
sex, then sleeping, and more sex, we’re still going at it like crazy people even though we’re trying to talk more.

“Hey, lady,” the clerk with a lewd expression on his face says. Shit. “$5.62.”

“Sure.” I mumble, thrusting a fistful of cash Isaac gave me towards him. No electronic transactions.

“Have a good one, sexy.”
Yuck
.

Blushing, I scramble towards the door. Daydreaming in public? About that? Now? Very smart. Isaac is vaguely headed west in a town I know nothing about and I need to pick him up.
It’s so hard not to whip the car out of the parking lot. After a few blocks, I see his silhouette against the quaint main street of this little town. He didn’t get very far. I must have been speed reminiscing. I drive slowly past him, fighting the urge to look, and turn right on the cross street he’s approaching, moving the end of the block and stopping. It takes forever until I see him round the corner in my sideview.
Get in the car
.

“So where am I driving?”

“Same place. No changes.”

“Did he see you?”

“Who?”

“What do you mean, who!”

He laughs. “Okay, so I did see someone, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t her. I just went with it because it seemed real and we got the drill out of the way early now.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No.”

“Isaac…”

“I know, I’m sorry.” A shiver runs up my spine when his hand lands on my neck. “You did really well.”

“So who did you think you saw?” No answer. “Have you slept with her?”

He huffs. “Yes.”

“Okay, that’s all I wanted to know.” I can’t push him. It backfires.

“I’m sorry that you have to think about that shit. That it has to be like this.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It feels like it is.”

“Well it isn’t, and let’s not go there.”

“Okay.”

“It’s supposed to be your first date. You slipped a fire drill in there. What the hell?”

“Minor, necessary detour.”

3
9

“Fresh air.”

“Blue sky.”

“You said these big leafy plants were called trees, right?” he teases, grabbing my hand. He is very excited. So fucking cute.

“Yeah, I’m pretty positive that’s what they are.”

“So do you want to walk through some of them with me? We could follow this line of packed dirt here. It looks solid enough.”

“I think that’s called a trail.”

“I was about to call it a path.”

“Do you know where it goes?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll walk next to you on it anyway,” he says. We breach the treeline and he dips me down in his arms, kissing me deeply. This is fun. We can’t go any further. With a smirk, he pulls me upright and wraps his arm around me as we stroll forward.

“Thanks for taking me out of the house,” I mumble, laying my head against his bicep.

“My pleasure.”

“Are you having fun?”

“I am.”

“I guess you can rest easy because you know I’ll put out afterwards.”

“Maya!” he snaps defensively.

“Sorry.”

“Maybe I’ll hold out on you for that.”

“Yeah, right.”

He tries to look serious for a moment, then glances over his shoulder. No one’s around and before I know it I’m pushed up against one of these big leafy plants and Isaac’s tongue is doing things to mine that make the world disappear. He pulls back like nothing happened and drags me until I realize my feet are in fact moving.

“Okay, yeah, I won’t be holding out on you tonight. I’m not an exhibitionist, but in your case I might have to make an exception.”

“We cannot fuck on this trail.”

We giggle as we round a bend and an approaching couple makes my point. The tension clings to the air as we get closer to them. Us near other people. Out of the bubble. Weird. And frightening.

The woman checks him out. Of course she did. His hair is slicked back into as much of a ponytail as he can, but there are all these pieces that wouldn’t go in tucked around his ears and the whole thing just made him end up looking even hotter. He’s dressed inconspicuously, plain jeans and dark tan top. The clothes are baggy so you can’t see how chiseled and perfect his shoulders are, but the forearms give it all away.

The man looks at him too, but for different reasons. I recognize the look of insecurity on the stranger’s face, because I too am standing in the shadow of perfection. I’m invisible. Plain. No one would ever notice me, certainly not like this, swimming in
a t-shirt too big for me because it’s his, no makeup. It doesn’t do anything to damper Isaac’s appeal, but mine evaporates. Does that mean it’s not really there?

“You look really good today.”

Fucking psychic
. “Thanks. Sorry I couldn’t get gussied up for our date.”

“I like you like this.” He kisses my fingertips.

“Don’t lay it on so thick. It’s harder to believe.”

“Is that another way of saying that you
don’t
believe me?” he scoffs. I stay silent. He leans into me, breathing heat on my neck. “Does that mean I need to pull your ass against my erection to prove it to you?”

“No!” But I totally mean yes.

“Well, I’m going to anyway.” My feet skid in the rocks as his hands wrap around my hips, stopping my advance. His body crashes against mine, his excitement laying heavy against the small of my back. Proof. And I like it. “I told you. I sort of miss your hair. I like the bun, but I can’t pull on it.”

“Maybe that’s for the best.”

“Yeah, I guess. You could use a break.”

“No, I’m good,” I assure him “I have plenty to spare.”