Denial (47 page)

“Did you take something?”

“Actually, I didn’t. At all. Nothing today whatsoever.”

“Well, shit. You’re probably going through withdrawal.”

“Not quite yet. But the other side effects are really starting to bother me.”

“Other side effects?”

“I’m starting to think that I don’t just take that shit for anxiety.”

“Why else would you take it?”

“Maybe it keeps me from being what I actually am.”

“Isaac…”

“Obviously I really am just like them.” His words are dripping with self-hatred.

“You’re not.”

“Well I’m fucking acting like it. I’m fucking feeling like it. I have been ever since I saw you.”

“Feeling like what?”

In an instant, he’s on top of me, gripping me by the hair and pushing me against the wall. I know I should be afraid, but for some reason I’m not. If anything, I like it. I like him when he gets aggressive with me.

“Like I
need
to have some kind of control over you. And not in bed.”

My body betrays my better judgment, heat building between my legs as Isaac dips his head down and bites my earlobe. “Isaac…”

“I haven’t been able to concentrate all day. I can’t shake this awful feeling. You went somewhere I didn’t want you to go and I had to let you. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to fuck you tonight because of the waxing I didn’t want you go have.” His hand cups my groin, teasing me through my pants. “And the worst fucking part,” he rasps heatedly into my ear, “is that I know I won’t let you leave this apartment. I never would have. I would have tied you up and kept you here if that’s what it took. What it will take.”

“That isn’t true.” This is so screwed up. Why did I like that?

“You know it fucking is. I should have let you walk out that door when I had the chance, but I’m not sure that I ever actually did. I’ve been completely obsessed with you from the moment I first saw you. And once we slept together that first time,” he chokes, pressing his face against mine. “That was it. I became yours. Completely. And I can’t stop until you’re mine. You fucking own me.”

“Now that really isn’t true.”

“I’m waiting.” The fist in my hair unclenches, his fingers tracing patterns on my throbbing scalp. “You’re not even going to ask me, are you?”

“It’s none of my business.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t have the right to get jealous.”

“Yes, you do. You have the right to feel anything that you fucking feel. Who the hell ever told you different?”

I can’t keep myself from crying, the blackness in my stomach corrupting my other senses until I get so lightheaded I go limp. Surprise flashes across his face as he catches me, easing us down until we’re sitting on the floor. My eyelids flutter as his hands cup my face.

“Ask me.” He waits and I say nothing, shooting him a look of defiance. “You really think I slept with her, don’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Well, I didn’t,” he snaps, a touch of hurt mingling with the defensiveness of his voice. A weight lifts off my shoulders and I start blubbering in relief. “I would never do that to you, Maya. I’d be fucking devastated if you ever did that to me.” He presses his lips to my hot forehead. “I will never hurt you, not like that.”

He pulls my shaking body into his lap. I want to tell him that I believe him, and I might, but the words will not come out. The closest I can get is, “I guess that’s an easy enough promise to keep for two weeks.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You’ve made it abundantly clear that this thing between us has a deadline.”

“How so?”

“I believe you when you say that you like me, but—”

“Like you?” he scoffs. “I am completely consumed by you. Every time I close my eyes, I see yours. You are every single thought that I have now.
Like
doesn’t even come close to covering it, Maya.”

My stomach flips as my heart sputters. Please don’t let this be bullshit. “You don’t really know me.”

His face contorts painfully. “Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t. And I don’t really know you. We’re not allowed to talk about anything real. You can’t tell me things, so I don’t tell you. The only thing that’s left is a superficial friendship with intensely satisfying benefits that has a big expiration date hanging over our heads. Then you’ll go back to a life that I don’t know anything about and I’ll be left with a broken heart.”

He looks completely flabbergasted as he pulls away from me, rising from the floor and walking away. Like a moth to a flame, I have no choice but to follow. “Superficial.” He refuses to look at me, and I’m suddenly acutely aware of my poor choice of words. “You’ll be the one with the broken heart? Why, because I’m a guy? I must not have one?”

“I—” have no idea what to say.
I didn’t mean it
.

“Do you really think I’m the one that’s putting a big fucking time limit on you and me? Us? If there is an us?”

“Well, yes.”

“Did I do something in particular to make you think that?”

“No, but…” The confusion in his eyes urges me to continue. “We’re out of easy things to talk about, I guess. And it’s obvious that you don’t want to get any deeper. Every time I ask you something, you get frustrated, and then somehow we’re having sex again. Even when we cook now,” I peep. “It’s just sex sex sex all the time, what else am I supposed to think?”

“It’s not
just
sex for me. Can’t you tell? When I’m inside you, it feels like you can see right through me.”

“Well I can’t read your mind, but it doesn’t feel like
just
sex for me either. But I’m such a fucking wreck right now, I can’t trust myself. So I’m erring on the side of caution, I guess. I assumed I was projecting my emotions onto you.”

“Me too. But we aren’t?”

“Apparently not.” The corners of my mouth lift into a tentative smile that mirrors his, but it doesn’t last for long.

“I want to tell you I’ll start answering your questions, but I can’t.”

“I don’t how we’re supposed to keep going then, Isaac. Talking is part of the deal.”

“No, Maya, talking is going to be the deal breaker.”

“Because you can’t stop doing what you do, can you? Not now anyway. I’ve thought about that. I can try to compartmentalize it, maybe, separate what you do as a job from what you do with me.” Who am I fucking kidding?

“I would never,
ever
, expect you to do that. I’m done. Consider me unemployed. Even if this thing between us never makes it out of that door. But… look, I have no actual relationship experience but I can already tell that I’m not going to be able to do this casually. I don’t want to rush anything, but… I just can’t even let myself think about how slim of a chance I have that we will ever have an actual future. It fucking hurts too much.”

“I know the feeling.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not what you think I am.”

“Isaac, the past is the past. I’m not going to grill you about it, I don’t need a number, or any play-by-plays of what you used to do.”

“That’s not what I mean,” he huffs. Dammit! He’s pissed off again. It happens so fast, and it’s full strength or nothing, no warning, no in between stages of frustration or irritation. He paces around the living room in circles, refusing to look at me, growing angrier with every step he takes. I have no idea what to do when he gets like this, or how to avoid it in the first place. “I always thought I’d be a few years older before I ever found anything like this,” he spits venomously, but he’s trying to tell me something and I can’t take it personally. “That I would have more to offer someone. And even then, I didn’t think it would be someone like you.”

“Like me?”

“Yeah,
you
. Stop fucking pretending you’re not as perfect as you are. You are so smart, I mean ridiculously intelligent, I’ll never have a chance to keep up with you in that department but no one else will either so I guess that’s a wash. But then you add funny, gorgeous, kind, adorable, intuitive, and everything else I always wanted to the one thing I
really
didn’t.”

There goes not taking it personally. “Which is?”

“Rich. And everything that comes with that. Grace, poise, and most of all, standards. That I will never be able to meet, not for anything else than the rebound that I’m destined to be. Because a perfect girl like you would never
dream
of making a life with a piece of shit, fake rich kid like me.”

“Fake rich kid?” Is he serious?

“Surprise!” he exclaims bitterly. “That’s my big fucking secret! You didn’t suspect anything, did you? I have the cars, house, women, all of it, hell even the exceptionally wealthy father and access to a big pile of his money. But the second my dick stopped getting hard when I had to slap someone else’s girlfriend around it disappeared. Just like you are going to now.”

“Wow.”

“Maybe, just fucking maybe, it would have worked under normal circumstances. But I’m sure you realize that we’re going to have to sneak around to be together. For a
long
fucking time. When it’s over though, there won’t be any country clubs or charity balls because I will be nothing but a scandalous shit storm that interrupts your picture perfect existence.”

“Do you really think I’m that shallow?” I hiss.

“Don’t you dare fucking lie to me and say it doesn’t matter. Or is that one of the many lies you tell to yourself to make it easier to hold still when Luke climbs on top of you?”
Ouch
. That one cut deep. Despite my best efforts, hot tears begin streaming down towards my trembling lips. My silence tempts Isaac to finally look at me and it’s obvious from the guilt on his face that this wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. “Maya, I—” he sputters, taking a step towards me, arm outstretched. “That was exceptionally cruel. I am so sorry.”

When the fuck did I get this sensitive? I whimper when he gets closer and turn towards the hallway, running away from him because it isn’t possible to run away from myself and this horrible sensation of my chest ripping open and all the broken pieces inside of it tumbling out for everyone to see. There has got to be a rock to crawl under somewhere in this apartment.
I won’t be that lucky though, because Isaac has me by the arm and won’t let me pull away. “Stop,” he orders, pinning me between the wall and his chest to make me comply. “Please, I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes, you did.”
It’s impossible to resist the urge to sink my face into his chest, let his arms surround me as I sob. He repeats his apologies and denies the authenticity of his words over and over, whispering as his lips dance over my contorted features and his fingers soothe my hair. But there is no comfort, and my own anger simmers until I’m thrashing to get away from him. “Let me go!” I screech, shoving him backwards with everything I have, but it’s like pushing against a wall until he relents.

“Maya—”

“Let’s just get this out in the open. You like me, you get all
emotional
when you fuck me, but you think I’m a whore because my boyfriend has money and that I’m too much of a whore to want you without it. Thanks.” Wow, he must have a lot of nerve to be looking offended. “Don’t! You might not have used the words, but that
is
what you just said.”

He takes a deep breath.
“I do not think that you are a whore.”

“Bullshit and right back at you. There’s one person in this room that gets paid to have sex and it sure as hell isn’t me.” That came out so nasty. I don’t even sound like myself. Isaac inhales sharply but doesn’t lash back at me. “I never chased him because he had money. He chased
me
and when a guy like Luke sets his sights on a girl like me, well, he always gets what he fucking wants now doesn’t he?” 

“Fuck,” he whispers.

I am tired of looking at your I-want-to-say-something face
. “Spit it out.”

“I’m just so out of my element with you. I deal with girls that don’t have much choice but to put up with these guys. You let him do this and you don’t have to. I’ve been trying to understand.”

“What, why I don’t run crying to my wealthy, influential father when my boyfriend intimidates me into doing something I don’t want to do?”

“Yes,” he admits.

“Because my Daddy is fucking dead, Isaac, and my Mommy doesn’t give a shit what Luke makes me do if it means she might get a free ride one day. That’s
my
big fucking secret.”

3
7

After a long,
intense pause, he says, “I am such an asshole.”
I’m not going to argue with you this time
. “I won’t bother asking why you didn’t tell me.”

“I don’t have money.”
And it’s actually nice to know that you don’t either, but you’re not getting off that easy
. “Those fancy boarding schools where I learned all the
grace and poise
you speak of would have sent me packing during the last
scandalous shit storm
that
interrupted
my
perfect existence
if it weren’t for my brain’s uncanny ability to regurgitate information and raise their test scores. That, and Piper wanted me around, so
her
wealthy, influential parents made sure I stayed. You said you were a ‘fake rich kid’? Well.
Me
. Fucking.
Too
.”