Denial (51 page)

I’m spinning and falling but he catches me. “Fuck, I love that you like it.” We only walked for a few steps and he’s already mauling me again. “It is getting very hard not to touch you.”

“I noticed. And I don’t care, because it’s difficult to not get touched.”

“I didn’t know you had these little curls back here,” he mumbles, his fingers tickling the frizz on nape of my neck. He growls and I’m against a trunk again, gasping and frantically looking around as he starts suckling my neck and pawing my boobs. “Maya.”

“I am not having sex with you on this trail.”
Right
?

“I know it’s a horrible idea but I really want to.”

“Me too.”

Dam
mit. We make out until we hear footsteps that got way to close before we noticed them. It rattles Isaac. It’s just a couple of old ladies that start giggling and it’s cute until I hear one of them wondering aloud what someone like him is doing with someone like me. They’re actually too far away for me to make that out clearly, but I even if I didn’t hear it, I know that’s what they’re thinking.

“What’s wrong?” he asks tentatively.

Crap. Cheer up. I want him to have fun, so I shake it off. “Nothing.”

“Well, fuck, that just made it worse.” He pulls me into his flank.

I sigh. “I just feel self-conscious.”

“I noticed.” Warmth radiates from the spot he kisses on my temple, creeping over my scalp and neck. “Don’t be.”

“I’ll try.”

“I don’t get it. I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

“That’s not what it’s about.”

We’re quiet for a moment. I won’t speak because he’s so obviously on the verge of saying something and I’m getting good at this game. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a
jerk.”
Well, you’re just going to sound like a jerk then because I’m not talking until you say it.
“To say that supermodel looking women aren’t my type is an understatement. They’re basically a turn off now because of what I do. I’ve always preferred the girl next door. So has my dick.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” He tugs at my waist. “I’m not enthralled by the ideal arrangement of proportions and measurements, which you are very fucking close to by the way.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are, and it’s my first date so please don’t argue with me.” That was clever. He stops but doesn’t grab me, so I have to spin around to find him reaching for me. His palms cover my jaws, his thumbs sliding over my ears as his pinkies tickle my neck. “I love your face.”

He kisses away a tear I didn’t expect to fall. “I love your face, too.”

Are we saying something else? His eyes are wide and scanning mine. He kisses me, once quickly on the mouth and then a hundred more all over until I’m giggling and panting. I want him so bad and how much he wants me is poking into my hip.

“We need to keep walking,” he says
with a touch of disappointment, gripping my hand in his. “Seriously though, I’m not into the fake look. I like you with more makeup than I usually like on women, but you’re cutest when you’re face is bare. Plus it tastes better.”

He would know. “You’re pretty cute barefaced yourself.”

“I know.” Interesting. Not a hint of arrogance.

“I’m pretty sure the supermodel type isn’t tired of fucking you.” And I won’t be around to stop her. I guess that’s what trust is? I don’t know if that’s how my brain works.

“There’s not much I can do about that except not want it back.”

“I’ll be satisfied with you just not doing it back.”

“No, you won’t. Neither will I.” He kisses me on the temple. “But my wild oats are sown. Extremely, entirely sown. I am going to have to insist that you trust me when I say that I’m truly, very, very done with fucking around.”

“I do.” Mostly. I guess it does make sense, a truly logical exception to a cardinal rule I thought was written in stone. But, come on. Him, satisfied, with me?

“You aren’t done, but I’ll still trust you. Partly because I know your options for good sex are limited, if you want to know the whole truth. But I’ve seen your oats up close, it’s going to be hard not to wonder about their intentions when I’m not around.”

“I don’t have oats.”

He looks a little confused. “Whatever you’ve got, it’s horny as hell. I like it and so do other guys, and I don’t want it sowing around, even if you still do.”

“You sow, I get planted. It’s not the same thing.”

“This bronze age farming analogy sucks, because it’s pretty fucking close. I would know.”

“I guess you would.”

“Yeah, I do.” He grips me by the wrist and spins me around. “I’ve been with a lot of women. And I have been a piece of meat to ride every fucking time. No one feels anything when they touch me.”

“Isaac…” The confessing eyes are the hardest ones to look into. “That’s probably not true.”

“Well, I never felt it. A little bit, maybe, a long time ago.” I don’t need to ask with whom. “But it doesn’t count now. Not after you.”

He’s nervous, maybe even a little offended. And being more honest and open than I would. I throw my arms around him, urging him to bend forward with a pull on his shoulders so I can soothe his face with my lips. This is so much easier when we’re laying down. “Isaac,” I whisper. He nudges his nose into mine. “I do trust you. It’s hard, I’m not used to it yet, but I really do. I promise.”

He’s got this little kid outlook on promises that make me melt. There’s not a chance in hell he’s lucky enough to be that naïve, but it still seems like he believes something more if I use the word. It’s adorable. Without warning he picks me up, my legs wrapping around his waist automatically. We fuck like this sometimes, but now there is all this cloth everywhere. He is so thinking what I’m thinking.

“Let’s see how far we get like this.”

“Yeah, let’s see.” I glance down playfully to acknowledge his over enthusiasm.

“As a rule, well, we’re not doing rules, so I guess it’s a guideline.”
He bounces my weight into the air and it lands in a more secure grip. “Don’t challenge me unless you actually want me to do something. Besides, I really like carrying you around. We can walk farther here.”

I want to protest, but it feels so fantastic in his arms, held against his solid chest, watching the trees go in reverse whenever I’m not distracted by his eyes. I kiss him, his steps getting shorter and slower until I relent.

“I could make you drop me,” I purr into his ear. “But I like this.”

“Fuck, Maya,” he groans. I grind into him. “Yeah, you could. You win. So knock it off.”

I peck his cheek playfully before leaning back in his arms to look up at the sky. The undersides of the green leaves are lit up like stained glass, interspersed with patches of the perfect azure sky and fluffy clouds. A breeze picks up and it all starts to move around. I’ve loved that rustling sound since I was a kid. It’s even better when I’m getting carried like this. We stop moving entirely, so I look down and he’s staring at me with this look of total astonishment.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he quips. I frown at him. “You are so beautiful it hurts to look at you sometimes.”

I’m surprised I’m not draining out of his arms, because my body feels like it’s made of water when he says things like that. “You’re so fucking cute, Isaac,” I peep. He’s always complimenting me. “And I don’t mean your face. Or this perfect body, you have under here,” I whisper, tugging the collar of his shirt as I lean into him like I’m trying to disappear in his arms. “You.” Planting a little peck on the tip of his nose, I watch the reaction in his eyes and I swear they somehow get just a little brighter. He nearly drops me. I think he needs to hear this stuff more than I do, and I really suck at saying it. It’s hard enough to admit the hold he has on to myself.

“We need to talk more.” But now he’s kissing me in that way that always threatens to overtake us.

“Yeah, we do.”

“If I don’t put you down now, when I do it will be because I’m ripping your clothes off.” His voice sends electricity through my entire body but I start laughing. “Fuck, don’t start giggling.” His reaction just makes me do it more.

“Sorry.”

“Sure you are,” he smirks, propping my back against a large trunk. “I’m putting you down now.” His arms support me for a moment while I find my footing.

“How about we just don’t touch each other at all?”

He groans. “I guess that’s a good idea.”

We walk apart in silence for a few dozen feet, only an arm’s length away. It’s funny not to touch him, but it makes it easier to pay attention. “I used to spend a lot of time outside when I was little.”

“Me too.” He didn’t want to say that aloud. It makes me curious, but there’s no way I’m going there on this date.

“I still need it,” I continue.
“To be outside. I mean everybody does, I guess, but it seems like I need it more.”

“Yeah, me too.” We smile. “I love saying that.”

“Me too.”
Oh my God it’s so hard not to touch you
.

“So how to do you get your outside fix, Maya?”

I should make him tell me first, but I’m feeling generous. “I just have to be outside. It’s going to be hard when I can’t roam around the Great Lawn at school. Walking in the city doesn’t really cut it.”

“Yeah, but it helps. That
’s usually what I do.”

“But you have a yard.”

“It is pretty sweet, but I get stuck downtown for days sometimes.”

“Doing what?”

He sighs. “What I do.” Crap. He won’t go any further, but I’m still waiting. “Not now.”

“Okay,” I try not to grumble.

“Fuck. Well, sometimes I end up staying so I can go to this gym where a friend works. And I usually do that on nights I really need to blow off steam, so I walk for a while first just to breathe. Or run.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know. What do you do at the gym?”

“It’s a martial arts studio. We spar. And they have all the normal gym equipment so I can get a regular workout in.”

“Are you into martial arts?”

“Not really. He is though, he owns the place. He’s the only friend I have outside of this crap, so it’s a safe place in a sense. And it’s 24 hours.”

“What’s it called?”

“I can’t tell you,” he says. I try not to pout and fail. “I’m sorry. It’s not that safe. Actually, it might work for us every once in a while. Maybe.”

“It’s fine.” And I don’t want to think about it either. “So do you do anything else with this friend for fun?”

“Yeah. Random acts of athletic prowess, I guess. But I spend most of my time alone, though.”

“I’m always surrounded by people unless I’m working on a problem, but then my brain is in overdrive. Sometimes I just need it to be quiet so I can decompress.”

“What about Piper?”

“She goes out a lot. I go with her when I can, but I’d rather stay home.”

“Or be with him, right?” His jealousy snaps at me.

“It’s your first date. We’re not talking about him.”

“Fuck.” I guess that’s his way of agreeing with me, because he doesn’t push it.

I can’t help but laugh. “So anyway, I need my me time, you know. At least once a week or I’ll lose it.”

“Me too.” A flower on the side of the path catches my eye and I crouch down to inspect it. Cypripedium acaule. Those are rare. “How many times a week did you need to fuck not to lose it before you met me?”

“Isaac!”

“It’s not really about him.”

“It sort of is.”

“Okay, how many times did you need to get off then?”

“Geez, Isaac! This is not first date talk. Or stroll in the woods talk.”

“Dammit!”

Although… “Feel free to share that information about yourself.”

“Well, that fucking backfired,” he chuckles. “I don’t know, three or four at least. Sometimes it’s every night.”

Why did he tell me that? Why did I ask? I didn’t want to know. “Wow,” I choke. I pull myself together, determined to get more information. “Are those the mini training or reward sessions you talked about?”

His head whips to face me. “Shit. Not people. That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh.”

“Timeout.”

What does that mean now? “Timeout?”

“Uh huh,” he sputters, pulling me into his arms. I melt into him. God, I needed that. I need him. What the fuck am I going to do? “Is that what you think my life is like?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fuck! Maya, that’s not what it’s like. I don’t fuck a different woman every night.”

“You don’t?” I peep

“No. That is not how this works. I don’t really want to get into how it does, but, for example, I didn’t fuck anyone for a month before I came here. To make sure I’m clean.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. I’m a high end toy, Rookie.”

“You’re not a toy.”