Denial (33 page)

I can’t sit still for long
enough to watch TV, so I guess I’ll start doodling, which for me involves numbers and calculus. It’s so lonely being trapped in this apartment without any company. If I get right down to it, I missing someone in particular like crazy and the fact that he’s in here makes it that much harder. I hope Isaac is alright. I want to tell him that we don’t have to do this, that I’ve changed my mind, or at least that I’m doing this to test my own boundaries instead of pleasing Luke. But he wants to be alone, he doesn’t want to see me right now, so I can’t. I’m going to watch him tonight and will safeword if it looks or sounds like he’s getting too upset even if I am fine.

This is taking forever. I’m so horny it’s not even funny. I’m used to being teased all day, but this neglect is almost worse. The loneliness isn’t helping my anxiety either. I’ve seen a bunch of scary torture implements in there and can’t stop thinking about which one of them he will use. As scared as I am, I’m intrigued at the same time. My heart starts beating faster whenever I think about it. About him.

Why couldn’t I have come figured everything out yesterday? We could have talked it out and maybe changed course a little earlier. By dinnertime I’m far too nervous to eat. It’s going to be so hard not to look at him. He’ll probably fuck me and I’m so excited, even though I know it won’t be the same as it was that first night. I can’t wait to feel him on me. In me. I want him so badly it hurts.

2
6

The door opens and I see him standing in the doorway, just outside of the threshold. My view truncates just above his navel, giving me a glimpse of that belt of muscle across his hips that I want to lick again. My heartbeat is drumming in my ears, my eyes aching to rise so that I can see his perfect face, but I don’t dare.

He lingers in the doorway for much longer than I expect. I can feel him looking at me, hear his breathing, watch his feet attempt to breach the threshold several times, always landing back in the hall. The hesitation reminds me that he doesn’t want to do this, not this way, filling me with guilt that tempers my arousal. If I wasn’t so fucking horny there is no way I’d be able to go through with it. I just need to know what he’ll do. And how much of it I can take.

With a deep breath, he finally crosses into the room, taking a few steps toward me. My spine stiffens in anticipation. I need to see his face. It’s impossible to tell whether or not he’s okay from my limited view. He’s not touching me or kneeling like I expect him to, like he usually does, but my entire body responds to his presence. Goosebumps cover my skin, yet I’m sweating on my hairline. My nipples pucker, my stomach falling and floating simultaneously. That pulse in my clit is so strong it hurt
s as my groin swells in desire, growing wetter as the muscles deep inside me tense. My hands are trembling on my thighs and I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling. I’m on fire.

“I need to blindfold you.” His voice is completely flat. It’s slightly disturbing, but I sort of expected this.

“That’s fine, Sir.”

His fingers barely make contact with my face and I let out a gasp as everything turns black. My nails dig into my thighs, struggling to keep my hands in place when I want to reach up and grab any part of him that I can. I missed him so much all day and now I can’t hug him. This isn’t natural.

“Stand up.”

“Yes, Sir.”

He doesn’t offer a hand to help me to my feet, which is odd. I jerk when I feel the collar tug at the back of my neck, urging me to step forward. I’m blind and the only thing guiding me is this pull at the front of my collar. My arousal fades into the background as I grow more and more uncomfortable. I know that I’m totally safe, that Isaac is in front of me, leading me, but I can’t see him, and worse, can’t feel him. I don’t like this at all. 

A solid block makes contact with the fronts of my thighs, stopping my advance. It’s the bench. The pull on my collar guides me forward until I feel the cool leather on my stomach. I’ve been here before and it’s better than walking blindly in the dark, but the familiarity isn’t comforting at all.

I finally feel his hand on one of my ankles, spreading it out from my body so he can shackle it in place. This too is familiar, but he usually slides his hands up and down my legs, kissing them, telling me how perfect they are and how much he loves touching them. Right now he’s barely touching me at all.

My legs are immobilized, leaving me spread out and exposed. He cuffs my wrists together and pulls them down. I recognize the clinking sound and in my mind, I can see him attaching them to a hook like he’s done before. Why isn’t he saying anything? There’s nothing new going on, but it’s so disconcerting and I feel incredibly alone. I don’t know if I should let him know how uncomfortable I am. It would also be nice to know how he’s holding up, but I don’t want to upset him more. I’m starting to regret my decision to come in here. I should have talked to him earlier.

Then I feel his hand on the back of my head, sliding down my back as he strokes my hair. My body relaxes and I can breathe again. I ache for that hand when it leaves me, but the contact is replaced by warmth on my neck and shoulder. I can hear that he’s closer to me, perhaps kneeling. This strange choked breath echoes in my ear, setting me on edge as the warmth beside me dissipates. Did he make it, or did I?

Buzzing. Another familiar sound that just makes this more disconcerting. I brace because I know that it’s coming, but still jerk when the vibrating wand hits my clit. I’m so tense it doesn’t feel very good at first, but my body is starving for release and betrays me. I hate this strange sensation, to be so unsettled emotionally but feel my arousal rising. It’s physically pleasurable, but in this disconnected way that makes it impossible to enjoy. He’s right here, but I miss him even more. I don’t want to come like this. Where are his fingers, his tongue? Where is he?
I groan, this painful, tormented sound that just isn’t right. I’m getting closer, but I don’t want to.

“Stop fighting it, Maya.” The pained sound of his voice just makes it worse.

“I don’t like it, Sir.”
And I don’t like calling you that
.

“I know,”
he croaks. “That’s the point.”

“Stop it,” I beg. “Please.”

“
Maya
.”

“Yellow!” I squeal, and he finally ends it.

I can’t stop trembling, half from fear, half from arousal. Or perhaps it’s the fear of my own arousal. And I don’t understand why he didn’t do anything else first. Was that some kind of test? This horrible pit in my stomach overwhelms me and I let out a loud sob. Isaac groans and I hear the wand drop to the floor. I can feel his body heat in front of me, his breathing on my neck.

“It’s alright.” He’s trying to use a soothing tone, but it isn’t working.

I can’t answer, but I do start crying harder, which I’m sure is making this even more difficult for him than it already is. I pull at my restraints until I feel his hands on mine. My panic lessens slightly, but the urge to touch him becomes overwhelming. Twisting painfully in the cuffs, I fumble until he relents and slides his hands between my fingers so that I can grip them as if my life depends on it.

“Do not kiss me back,” he says sternly. I nod in response.

He leans into me, his face nuzzling into the place where my neck meets my shoulder, making me sob out a note of despair. It’s chaste at first until I squirm to get closer, then he sighs and sinks into me, his hands finally responding to my touch as he traces his fingers on my palms. My face finds refuge on his shoulder. I want to say his name so badly, it’s the only thing that would come out of my mouth, so I stay silent except for an occasional whimper. 

We stay like that for a long time until I’ve completely calmed down. But now guilt has replaced the panic because his body is stiff and his breathing pained. This has to be so awful for him and I’m going to stop it. I’m determined until he kisses my neck with a sad exhalation. Just a few pecks at first, but then his tongue hits my skin as he starts sucking the flesh of my throat, my shoulder, the spot beneath my ear he discovered that drives me crazy. The effect is halved an inch away in any direction, yet his lips always land directly on it every time.

I shudder. I didn’t realize it was humanly possible to be so incredibly sensitive and aroused. With a reassuring squeeze, his hands pull away, leaving my fingers straining for him. He grazes my nipples so softly I would normally barely feel it, but tonight it makes me cry out loudly, my open mouth dragging across his collarbone. It must have been too close to a kiss because he backs away, ceasing all contact.

“I’m going to take your blindfold off, okay?” he says. I respond with a wordless affirmation. “Keep your eyes closed until I’m away from you. Please.”

It gets a little brighter as the cloth slips away, but I wait a few seconds until I feel him leave before I let my eyelids flutter open, my vision focusing quickly in the soft light. I look down to find my hands tethered exactly how I expect them. Turning my head, I see that Isaac is over at the chest of drawers, fumbling around. His breathing is labored, the beautiful muscles in his back so tense.

“Okay, we’re going to start over with something that you kind of like. And I still do too, just in case you’re worried about me.”

“I am, Sir.”

“I’ll be fine,” he replies unconvincingly.

He strides out of my field of vision as he approaches me from behind. An involuntary, primal moan escapes my throat as his fingers make contact with my throbbing slit. He circles my clit widely, avoiding actual contact with the aching bundle of nerves. One of his fingers slips inside me, my back arches to buck my hips into it deeper. I’m totally his right now, I will do anything,
anything
he wants me to do.

“Fuck me!” I scream. “Please.” I should have added a sir, but I just can’t.

“I will,” he whispers without a hint of excitement. It’s confusing. He slips another finger inside me and pushes them deep until his fist is pressed firmly against my entrance. “But it would be a shame to waste all of this sexual frustration.” It’s the fake sex coach voice, but that’s an improvement.

I scream when he pulls out, begging for release with grunts and moans because there are no words to describe how badly I need it. Him.

“Take deep breaths, Maya.” It’s difficult, but I do, and regain some semblance of control. “Like I said, you are so ready, it’s the perfect time to play with your ass.” A glimpse of his own desire peeks through, relieving some of this guilt that’s been running in the background since we got in here. “You’re moving up a size tonight, and it’s a pretty big jump.”

I groan and pant ferociously. There is just a hint of embarrassment from my animalistic response, but I’m so comfortable with him now that it’s nothing compared to how excited I am. I love when we do this so much I’m not even ashamed about it in the slightest. Now that he’s verbally confirmed my suspicions that he likes it as much as I do, I can’t wait.

“You fucking tell me if it hurts, you understand?”

I catch myself. “Yes, Sir.” That almost came out as ‘Ok, Coach.’

“I’m going to fuck your ass with the smaller one first.”

I scream in anticipation, getting just the slightest start of a laugh from him. The familiar sounds of lube opening and a disposable glove snapping enhance my arousal. I feel his slick finger pressing against my anus, the tip sliding in easily as he moans. I love that he loves this. So much. Very slowly, he pushes it in deeper, his breaths getting heavier. I howl with everything I have to let him know how much I like it. He rewards me with a fervent kiss on the small of my back, sliding his finger in and out of me while he pants against my skin.

He pulls out to my protesting moans, but I’m not empty for long. The plug slides in easily, creating more pressure and pleasure, but I’d rather have his finger because it’s a part of him. I squeal delightfully and get a true chuckle in response. It feels so intimate in here for the first time. It’s exactly what I need, but exactly what he says he can’t do. I’m not sure where that leaves us. He fucks me faster with the probe, causing no pain whatsoever. The sensation is incredible. Soon it’s going to be him and he’ll get to feel it too. I can’t wait. The idea makes me gush, fluid pouring down my thighs.

“Maya,” he moans. I want to say his name but I can’t, so I give him that animal noise I hope he knows is his. The way he’s kissing up and down my spine tells me he does. “Okay, baby.” He never calls me that in here, leaving me unsure if it’s a good or a bad sign. “I’m going to use the bigger plug. It will sting, but that’s normal.”

“Okay,” I peep nervously, unwilling to call him something I know that he hates to be called right now. He doesn’t correct me.

“Breathe deeply. I’ll go slowly. Tell me if it’s too much.”

I nod and feel the small tapered tip of the plug slide into me. I groan in anticipation, imagining that it’s him and squirting to his delight. He pushes it deeper, spreading me wider, but it doesn’t hurt. Isaac is breathing heavily with desire, reaching up with the bare hand he reserves for touching the rest of me to pull on the ends of my hair. It’s easing in so slowly now, barely starting to sting but the torment is delicious. My groans and howls make him laugh, but it’s with me, not at me. I adore that laugh. I squeak when it actually hurts, but the flared base has already stopped it. That was the easiest one yet even though it was the biggest jump, nearly the size of his perfect dick. I’m almost ready and I can’t wait to give it to him.