Denial (31 page)

“I’ll worry about the rules. Fucking look at me already. I need to see your face.”

I stumble backwards when her eyes meet mine, gritting my teeth because I have to kiss her and I can’t. But my mouth has to go somewhere and it chooses her breasts. Her nipples between my lips are like a breath of air. She whimpers, but it’s not a protest, it’s begging. She likes this. She wants me to keep going. I will.

I scoop her up, shocking her, making her giggle and throw her arms around me for balance as I carry her into the living room. My heart turns over like a cold engine that wants to start when she nuzzles against the side of my face, kissing my jawline, my cheeks, my ear. It makes everything hot and viscous inside of me.

Tossing her down on the couch, I land on top of her, and go back to suckling her breast
s, my hand sliding between her legs. Holy sweet fuck, she’s wet. And hot. I can feel her pulse through her clit.

She mewls, such a small sound, insecure and timid. It reigns me in. I’m up to her face, kissing her softly everywhere I can, walking this wavy line that keeps us apart and is always moving. But my hands, they’re being too rough, I can’t help it.

“You can’t fuck me.”

“I don’t need you to remind me.”
Why did you have to say that? You just had to lie still and let me keep going. Then it wouldn’t be your fault. You could pretend that I made you do it. Just lay still.

“So what are you doing?”

I exhale in a snarl, and she stiffens up in my arms. Goddammit. “You know how I do this to your face,” I huff, kissing her everywhere but her lips, softly across her brow, nipping the end of her nose with my teeth, flicking my tongue against her cupid’s bow. “And you do it to mine, and we pretend like nothing is happening?”

“Don’t be so blunt.”

I chuckle. She didn’t deny it. “I’m going to do that to your entire body now,” I rasp into her ear. “Stop squirming.”

“Isaac…”

“You aren’t supposed to call me that.”

“Isn’t this a timeout?” My pulse quickens and the air gets hotter.

“I don’t know.”
I don’t know what the fuck this is. But I want to do this all the time. And I love the way you say my name
.

“I want to kiss you,” she squeaks, a little whiny.

“Me too. I want to fuck you.”

“Me too.”

But we can’t. She groans and clings to me, sinking into my chest, nuzzling up under my chin. I ought to stop her. She doesn’t know, but this is breaking the biggest rule of them all. I can’t fuck her, but that hasn’t been the hard part. I can’t stop thinking about the way her fingers feel as they slide across my skin.

How can she love him? Why is she letting him do this?
This is your chance to get away. Take it. You don’t want to go any farther, not his way.

“Take your shirt off,” she whimpers.
You’re not supposed to say that, either
.

I inhale in a hiss. She likes to look, and she likes to touch. “I don’t think so.”

“Please.”

“This isn’t for you, it’s for me.”

“Isaac…” It tears at me. What the hell is that? Every fucking time.

“Alright,” I relent, pulling my shirt off.
Who am I kidding, this is totally for you
. “I can’t do my pants, there needs to be some kind of a barrier.”

“Yeah.” She puts her hands on the side of my face and kisses the bridge of my nose. I should pull them away, hold them down. But I want them on me. They’re so soft. It feels so fucking amazing.

I can’t do this to her. She’s been so good. She’s really trying. She has a life to go back to, it’s not like I can ever have her. If I keep going we’ll have to start over. She fucking loves him. He’ll take care of her. It’s going to get messy if I don’t give her back more obedient than I found her. It’s basically impossible to think about her like that.

I’ll stop. I made it this far. I can’t keep going. But if I do, maybe she’ll figure it out. She knows she’s cheating. I guess it’s her choice. I’m done with the fucking euphemisms.

2
4

It’s so damn
hot in here. Scorching. Every time I look down I expect my skin to look sunburned. I was hoping he would do this.
Give in. Fuck me
. But he’s so good at resisting me. Just now, he was almost there, but I saw the resolve reassemble, hardening his features. Why can’t I let him?

“If I do this, you’re going to come. A lot,” he says.
No shit
. Why is he looking at me like this?

“Are you going to make me?”

“No.” What the hell? “I didn’t the other times. This isn’t a game anymore. You have to choose this. I’ll get you off, but it’s for me. Not him.”

“It’s for me too.”
I’m not your toy. I don’t want to be a fucking toy
. “I’m the one that hasn’t had an orgasm in days.”

“If you think that yesterday made it any easier for me, you’re wrong,” he snaps.

“It’s clouding our judgment.”

“Bullshit. Maya
, that is fucking bullshit.” He grips my hair, sliding his hand down my flank, barely cupping my breast.
Please. Just do it. I won’t tell
. “I’ve done this before, what we’re doing.” I stiffen up. I don’t like thinking about Isaac doing this with other women. It makes me so jealous my eyes boil. “It’s not usually like this. Not even close. It’s not supposed to be this hard. I’ve never wanted anyone like this.”
Yeah, right
. I roll my eyes and scoff at him. “I’m not giving you a strike for that. I’m not lying.” He paws at my breast, rolling my nipple between his fingers. I’m so horny it hurts. I can’t take this anymore.

“I’ll give it to you. I’m dying to give it to you,” he murmurs. His hand moves lower, pushing my swollen folds apart harshly until he’s circling my clit. “I could never do this to you. I wouldn’t be able to make it this long without seeing you make that beautiful face. Hear the satisfaction in your breathing afterwards. Feel you nuzzle into my neck and make those fucking happy squeaky noises. I can’t stop thinking about it.” He’s only torturing me for a few seconds, stopping before it starts to hurt. I’m still panting, burning. “But you have to take that fucking collar off and give yourself to me first.”

The hand he has in my hair flies lower and tugs at my collar. What the fuck? If he doesn’t touch it, I can forget that it’s there. “Yellow.”

“God
dammit, take it off, Maya,” he snarls, pulling it harder. “Just fucking end this.”

“No.”

“
Please
. Give up. Tap out. I’ll make it worth your while.”

And then I’ll leave. I’ll have to go back and tell
Luke I couldn’t make it and he’ll always see someone else to get this. He will leave because he doesn’t have to settle for someone who can’t do it. I’ll have to start over. Square one. Look for someone else. And it’s not that bad, really. The pain. It’s kind of hot.

“You have to end it,” he chokes. “You can’t make me do this to you.”

What the hell! This is what you do! Why can’t you do it with me?
It makes it so confusing. “I can safeword.”

“I fucking can’t,” he growls, but his head sinks into my shoulder for comfort. “How can you love him?” That’s a good question. But I’m not sure how much it matters anymore. “You can’t answer me. Take it off, Maya. Please. I’ll make you squeal for days, it will be so much fun. I want to lick you. I need fuck
to you into oblivion again.”

Holy shit, I’m so
horny. This isn’t fair. My judgment is totally clouded. I’ve never needed release more in my life. His tongue flicks at the hollow below my throat as my back arches, both of my nipples screaming for attention.

“But what happens after that?” I wonder aloud. “It’d would be fun for a few days, but what then?”

“You can do better than him. Throw a fucking stone and wherever it lands will be better than him.”

“You just want to fuck me.”

“That’s not all I want to do to you.”

“But that is all you’re going to do though, isn’t it? Until the novelty wears off.”

“I never should have said that to you,” he sighs. “I will always regret it.”

“I can’t.” I squirm under his hands as they roam freely over my body. They’re too harsh, too rough. I want my robe back on, but I’m pinned beneath him. He relents when I whimper, climbing off of me with a frustrated groan.

“How can you love him?”

Stop fucking asking me that
! I do not want to think about Luke. “That’s not what it is.”

“What the fuck does that mean, Maya? Please try to explain it because I need to fucking understand.”

Yeah, me too
. I twist my wrist from his hand and stumble backwards, fighting these stupid tears that are always so close, watching his expression grow more concerned until I spin away. My knees buckle and my confident retreat begins to look more like a stagger of defeat. The sound of a small sob echoing in the hall is my first confirmation that I’m crying. I don’t even feel it anymore.

Isaac is only a few steps behind me calling my name, but I don’t want him to see me right now. But there is nowhere to go at the end of this hallway except the room that isn’t really mine and the dungeon.

“Fuck, Maya, stop it. Look at me,” he yells, but it’s a little fuzzy. I’m against the wall. If he kisses me right now I’ll pass out. Instead he’s touching my face in a very methodical way, concentration furrowing his brow. “Your lips are pale.”

“Don’t rub it in.”

“Maya.” He lifts my fingers and moves them into the light. “Your skin is so cold. Do you feel dizzy?”

Yes
. “No.”

“You’re lying. What the fuck!” he grumbles. I laugh back at him, sapping the strength from my thighs and sinking lower as the world spins. He catches my weight on the small of my back, pulling my body against his, cradling my head on his shoulder. “I’m putting you on the bench, Rookie.”

“Aw, Coach,” I joke as he carries me into my room, but my words are a whisper.

“You’re going to get some rest.”

“Please don’t tease me anymore.”

“I said you were on the bench. Help me get you dressed.” I sit on the edge of the bed, steadying my feet as he guides them into my favorite pair of yoga pants because he gave them to me. “Arms up,” he orders. I giggle, soft fabric clinging
to my face as he pulls that gray t-shirt over my head.

“Are you going to stay with me tonight?”

“Of course I am,” he answers quickly. “That collar looks very uncomfortable. In my professional opinion, you should remove it to facilitate relaxation.”

“Okay, Coach.”

“Stop calling me that.”

I lock eyes with him, reaching up to the clasp and sliding the collar off. That thing must be lined with iron. It has to weight twenty pounds.

“Are you going to maul me now?”

“
No
,” he snarls. “We are going to sleep. Get in the fucking bed.”

I don’t even entertain the idea of arguing, flopping in the bed so tired I almost don’t notice his cocky expression when I cave. He’s next to me in an instant, wrapping his arms around my ribs as he rolls beneath me. The tension leaves my body as it acclimates to lying on the hard slab of his torso. I rise and fall with his breathing, shifting my thigh next to his arousal.

“Ignore my dick. That’s an order.”

“You can’t order me. I’m on the bench.”

“Maya, don’t fuck around. You don’t look well. You need a break.”

I’m not feeling that great either
. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“Neither have I,” he whispers, stroking my hair. “I won’t bother you, I swear. Just get some sleep, baby.” Pulling his hand into mine, he takes a deep breath that pushes into my belly and lifts me up. It’s so perfect here, lying on his chest wrapped in his arms, his heartbeat in my ear as I listen the air filling his lungs. My toes point to tickle the tops of his feet and make him smile. “I’d hold you forever, if I could,” he whispers, squeezing me. “I love the way you feel in my arms.”

“Isaac…” I peep. I want to stay here, too.

I curl upwards into his neck, nuzzling that spot where I bit him through the fine fabric of his shirt. A slight smile is the only response, his eyes remain closed, chin turned away from me.
Fine
. As soon as I shut my eyes, I know I’ll be out in a few seconds. His fingers wrap tighter into mine.

25

Isaac disappears for a minute while I set the table. When he comes back, his eyes are heavy lidded. I’ve long suspected that he started taking a sedative or something before we go in the playroom. Now I’m pretty sure he is, and he must have taken more than usual just now. I’m not a big fan of drug use, even the prescription kind, but in this case I almost feel safer. He really upset me the first time.