Denial (12 page)

“It’s alright,” he replies, then hesitates. “Touching me isn’t expressly forbidden.”

“But, now that we’re… getting into that mode, is it okay with you?”

“Very.” He sits back and motions for me to do the same. “But there’s still a few things we need to go over. Do you have any questions?”

“I’m sure I do, but I can’t think of any.”

“What are you feeling right now?”

“A lot of things.” Like the urge to run my fingers through his hair again, but my hands are shaky and if I stood up right now I’d probably topple over. “I’m a little confused.”

“That’s fine. It will probably take a while for you to process it. Do you mind if we discuss safewords though? I need to clarify some things. It won’t take very long.”

The professional is back. “Alright. I guess we should.”

“Okay.” He takes a deep breath. “Sometimes when we’re acting out a scene, experimenting, and especially when I punish you…”

“What if I don’t mess up?”

His lips spread into a huge crooked smile. “There is not a chance in hell that’s going to happen.”

“
Dammit!” I know he’s right.

“Stop making me laugh,” he scolds me playfully. “Sometimes I’m going to ask you to give me a color. You’re familiar with that right?”

“Yeah. I say red if I’m starting to freak out or I can’t take it.”

“Well, yes, but it’s a little more complicated than that.”

“It is?”

“I refuse to get mad that you don’t already know this…” he mutters, like it’s a mantra meant more for himself than for me.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize because it is not your fault. At all. And I’m not angry.” For a split second, the mask falls away. “Maya, when I ask you for a color, I need you to respond instantly. And I do mean
instantly
.”

“I will.”

“If you’re enjoying yourself, or at least feel fine, the word ‘green’ should pop out of your mouth without hesitation.”

“Alright.”

“If you aren’t sure how you’re feeling, or not comfortable with something, or you need me to slow down, say ‘yellow.’”

“I’ve never heard of that one,” I say. He rolls his eyes. “What if I’m being punished? Isn’t the whole point that I’m not comfortable?”

“Essentially yes. In that case, ‘yellow’ means you’re about as far as you can go. Basically, I want to hear that before you say ‘red.’”

“Okay.”

“And concerning red, which for
me
is an immediate full stop,” he snaps, “unless you’re flailing and I think you’ll hurt yourself if I release you.” That’s not how it usually works. Isaac doing a decent job of hiding the fact that he’s gritting his teeth. Could it really bother him? “Do not be afraid to say it. At all. There will be no consequences.” I gulp and try to look down, but Isaac lifts my chin. “Maya, I am very,
very
serious about this,” he says firmly. “If I suspect you aren’t saying red, this ends. So if anything, there are consequences for
not
using your safeword.”

“Will
Luke know?”

He g
rowls, for real this time. “Goddammit.” He gets up and walks a few feet away. I can’t help it. I’m not the kind of girl that plays guys off each other, but I like that it gets under his skin. Way too much.“He will not know.”

“I thought you said there’s a report.”

“There’s no hour by hour, scene by scene record. Officially, this conversation happened last night, and I’ll probably be editing out more if you keep it up. He
will not
know.”

“Okay.”

“
Stand up.
” Wow. That was an actual order. There wasn’t anything fake about it and it was extremely hot. I’m on my feet. Isaac walks over to me and brings he face inches from mine, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Promise me. And mean it. I’m fucking serious.”

“I promise.”

“You aren’t the only one that can tell when someone is lying. Do you want to try this with me or not?”
Yes
. I nod even though he already knows. “Then say it. Use my name.”

“I promise that I will use my safeword, Isaac.”

“You’re not the type of person that breaks her promises, are you?”

“No.”

“I want you to remember that.” He’s so close I can feel his breath against my lips.
Come closer.

“I will.”

“When you don’t, you make me into someone I’m not. Do you understand?”

“I never thought about it that way.”

He presses his forehead into mine and cups the back of my head. “Keep that in mind also.”

I can’t resist anymore. Both of my hands are in his thick, dark hair, my lips aching to touch his, but instead I kiss his brow as he
draws in a hitched breath “I swear I will. I promise, Isaac.”

“Thank you.” I’m suddenly encircled in his arms against his chest. “You can push yourself. Test your limits. I’ll help you.”

My lips travel around his collarbone like they have a mind of their own. I can’t stop them. His fingers are playing with my hair above my neck. Other guys have done that, but it didn’t feel like this. I don’t understand it.

“Slow down, Maya,” he whispers.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” We’re both practically panting. Isaac brings both of my hands together and presses his lips against my fingers, holding them there. I feel his teeth nip the skin of my knuckle. I want him so badly it hurts. “Are you still nervous?”

“Yes.”

“I have to have grown on you a little by now,” he teases, like he can tell how much I like him because he probably can. I giggle like a kid and hide my head under his chin, gasping as his hand makes a fist in my hair. Maybe he really does want me just as bad.

Even though it couldn’t be more unconventional, this has been the perfect first date. I’m at the point where I would be debating if I should screw him or not because he might think I’m a slut. And angry that I even have to think about that because I really want to have sex. At least, that’s the way it always goes in this fantasy I have at the end of the perfect first date because I’ve never actually had one. I usually go all the way on the first date because there won’t be a second. I think as little of whoever it is as he does of me. But not tonight.

“You’re zoning out again.”

“Sorry.”

“I know it’s probably difficult for you to find me attractive with my intact hairline and lack of forearm fuzz.
” Luke does not… I glare at him, refusing to dignify that infuriating cocky smile with one my own. “Too bad I don’t have a polo shirt. That might make it easier,” he teases. I cover my mouth so he doesn’t see my amusement. “Though I might have brought the bright pink one I wear when I feel like being ironic hot.”

“Now who is making the other one laugh? This is serious.”

“You can’t take it too seriously, that’s one of the tricks.”

My stomach twists, but I’m thankful for the reminder. I can’t
get attached. This isn’t going to mean anything. “I know how to keep things casual.”
I just don’t know if I can do it with you. Especially if you’re going to keep touching me like this.

“
That’s not what I meant.” That playful arrogant demeanor evaporates and I’m looking into those lost eyes. The mask reassembles in a heartbeat. “You can’t think about it too much, you just have to feel it. Physically. It makes it easier. Especially if your emotions fuck with your head.”

“Wha
t if they make it better?” I peep.

“T
hen… go with it,” he says with a timid smile. My stomach flutters as his lips dance across my face. “I am going to make sure that you like this,” he says, tugging at my hair and nibbling on my ear. I stifle a gasp as he pulls me closer. If I don’t stop feeling so much, I’m going to get hurt.

“Are you going to do any of that scary shit to me when I’m tied up?”

“I’m not going to do anything to you without explanation that you will probably find annoyingly technical. It’s like a school lesson.”

“No, it’s not. School is my life and this isn’t how it works.”

“Maybe it’s more like a sport then.”

“And what, you’re a coach?”

“Sure. And you are definitely a rookie.” His eyes gaze into mine for a long time.
Please just fucking kiss me. Just once.
“I can’t,” he answers like he can read my mind.

“Why not?”

He peels his body off of mine, squeezing my wrists. “Because you belong to someone else,” he reminds me. “And I can’t forget that.”
Why not. I am.
I squirm closer. “Maya…” I reach out to him, aching to feel his stubble beneath my fingers, but he grabs my hand.

“Please touch me.” It just comes out of my mouth.

“I can’t wait to show you what I can do.” He crashes into me, his hands cupping my ass as he flicks his tongue against my collarbone. “I want to fuck you.” Holy shit. I’ve never enjoyed hearing that more. “I am
dying
here. I have been since the moment I laid eyes on you.”

I gulp. I want it. Him. I don’t know if I’m ready for him, but I have to try. He won’t hurt me. I don’t know why I’m so sure, but I am. So I nod at him even though I’m a little scared, almost like it’s the first time I’ve ever done this.

He’s kissing my face everywhere until he stills on my brow, dragging his lips down until they pause to nip the end of my nose, then go lower and he flicks his tongue against my cupid’s bow.
Fucking kiss me already. Please. I won’t tell.

Isaac takes a step back. “I have to be professional about this,” he explains. I let out a frustrated groan.
Tear my clothes off. Take me.
But I nod in agreement. “I need to get to know your body. See the way it responds when I touch you in different ways. Feel it.”

“Yes,” I gasp. He breathes out a satisfied laugh.

“I’ll go very slowly, I’ll only touch you with my hands at first.”

“Okay.”

“And I’m probably going to seem a lot different to you, I might even scare you a little. I’ll be wearing a different hat.” He kisses me below the ear and I shudder, my head spinning as I wrap my arms around his shoulders. What is up with that spot? “I’m still in here though, okay? Just remember that. And tell me if you don’t like something.”

“With the colors?”

“Or stop, no, wait. Tonight just say anything that comes to mind. I’ll take it seriously.”

“Okay.”

“I need you to do me a favor though.”

“Anything.”

He pauses, his face hardening as he swallows. “I need you to go put your real collar on,” he says distantly. “Take those clothes off.” He slides his fingers along the collar of the shirt he gave me. “And everything else. Then kneel, with your hands on your thighs and your eyes on the floor. You’ve done that before, right?”

I nod. I don’t want to do it, but I will. “I don’t get to look at you?” I can’t pry my eyes off of him.

“No,” he whispers and I’d bet a million dollars that he doesn’t want to say it even though this doesn’t mean anything. “And you can’t touch me either.”

“I won’t be able to do it.”

“I know. So the first thing I’m going to do is put a blindfold over your eyes. And then I’m going to tie your hands together. After that I’ll pick you up and ask you…” He pulls his lower lip into his mouth and closes his eyes for a second. “
Tell
you to raise your arms up over your head and they will stay there because I’ll clip them to a rope hanging from the ceiling.”

I don’t want to do it like that.
“Then what?” I peep. He rests his head against mine, breathing heat on my neck as he slides his hand across the small of my back.

“Then I am going to make you come until you feel like the Goddess you are,” he rasps, trailing kisses along my jawline. It’s a new voice, somewhere between the hard, professional one and the authentic one, but more intense than both of them put together should be. And I cannot let myself like it as much as I do.

11

I shiver. His eyes lock with mine and I drink in the depth, savoring the colors so that I can still see them once I’m trapped in the dark. The way the electric blue stripe that lines them shatters against impossibly lime green and fades into the amber sun that surrounds his pupil. He smiles, the genuine crinkly eyed smile, my favorite one that I’ve seen so far. I want to remember his lips, so firm and wide, such a perfect tawny pink. I memorize each shallow little line. They’re going to be all over me. And I’m so excited it’s painful.

We walk hand in hand down the hallway. Isaac gestures for me to go into my room and closes the door behind me. My clothes seem to jump off of my on their own and I’m searching through my bag for my collar.
Luke’s collar. I put it on and grit my teeth, momentarily releasing my grip on the anger that’s always just a stray thought away. I want to rip it off. Instead I feel the rough carpet beneath my shins as I kneel and the soft, freshly waxed skin of my thighs beneath my palms. But my eyes won’t go down.