Denial (7 page)

He pulls my hair harder. I haven’t agreed to anything yet. He shouldn’t be touching me like this and I definitely shouldn’t be enjoying it. “Why isn’t he doing this with you?”

“We tried. It wasn’t working out.”

“Why do you think it will be different with me?”

“Luke thinks I need to be with someone more patient than he is.”

“For once we agree on something.”

“We’ve been together for a year and a half.”

Isaac’s mouth gapes open. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Yes, and I don’t want to know why that surprises you.”

“No, Maya, you certainly do not.” That hollow reaction in my belly is so distant compared to the sensation of Isaac’s grip in my hair.

“We’ve only been doing this for less than six months. So there were already, you know, patterns,” I explain, but he just looks more confused. “I’m used to relating to him differently. He thinks, and I do to, well maybe, that if I can learn to do it with someone else, maybe it will be easier to do it with him.”

“That’s pretty fucked, you know that right? If you can’t do it for someone you
love
, what makes you think you can for a stranger?”

“I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe because there are no strings attached. I don’t have to wonder if there’s some deeper meaning when you say something. Worry about how this will affect our future. I just want to try it.”

“Want to or have to?”

“Both.” I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Isaac releases my hair, but I can still feel him there.

“I don’t know,” he mutters, pacing across the room. “Luke’s into… Fuck! I have to read this again.”

Luke
’s into what? This is so frustrating. “What are you reading?”

“The itinerary. It’s sort of like a syllabus, but the student doesn’t get a copy.”

“So, what, it’s like a list of stuff Luke wants you to do? But don’t you already…” Our eyes lock as I trail off. Right. I’m a special case.

“Just give me a minute.”

He flips back to the beginning and begins reading slower, so I suppose I’ll just stare out the window. I’m starting to realize that Isaac is right. Piper too, though I’ll never give her the satisfaction of admitting it. This is a more than little fucked up. And I’m sure the fact that I needed to hear it from the professional sex addict that my boyfriend hired to train me to be a proper submissive probably isn’t a good sign.

I wonder what’s on those sheets of paper. More importantly, I wonder what isn’t. What does
Luke want from the other women he sleeps with that he doesn’t want from me? What does he like that bothers Isaac so much?

“Maya?”

“Yes?”

“Were you supposed to call someone to let them know that you’re safe?”

“Shit. Yes. My roommate.”

6

Piper is probably losing her shit. She answers after half a ring. “Maya? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“What the hell is wrong with you? I almost called the cops!” Isaac smiles at me. He can hear her.

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“That’s what Luke said.”

“You didn’t.”
Dammit Piper
!

“What the hell was I supposed to do? You said you’d call by 10!”

“No, I said I’d call by midnight and I got distracted.”

“Distracted? Distracted!” she shouts. “Oh. So he’s cute.”

You have no idea
. “Yeah.”

“Is he as creepy as you thought he’d be?” The
mischievous grin drops from Isaac’s face as his eyes fall to that paperwork.

“No, he’s not creepy or scary at all.”
Actually I think we just hurt his feelings
.

“Did he fuck you yet?”

“Piper!”

“What? I still can’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“Really. Already? Was he any good?”

“No!”

“Seriously? That sucks. What the hell are you still doing there then?”

“I meant no, I did not have sex with him yet.” Isaac’s eyes dart to mine as leans in closer.

“Oh. Did he spank you?”

“Geez! No!”

“Then, what are you doing?”

“Talking.”

“That sounds boring.”

“Goodnight Piper.”

“Wait! When are you going to call me again?”

“I’m not.”

“But how will I know that you’re safe?”

“I’m fine.”

“Maya, are you sure you should be doing this?”

“Not really. But I’m doing it anyway.”

“I fucking hate
Luke right now. Like, way more than usual.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better, so does this guy.” Isaac chuckles under his breath.

“Really? Why?”

“I can’t tell you,” I say, locking eyes with him. “I have to go.”

“Be careful, Maya.”

“I will.”

“Don’t get hurt.”

“I won’t.”

“Good friend?” Isaac asks as continues to read.

“The best.” I can’t help but smile as I picture Piper pacing around in our apartment, debating on how she should phrase her concerns when she calls her father.

He strolls over to me and holds out his hand, palm up. “Give it to me.”

“Already?”

“Yes. He told you about this, right?”

“Yeah.” I
hand him my phone. 30 days. No Internet, Twitter, texting, anything. I’d like to think this is going to be the hardest part.

“Thank you.” He puts it in his pocket. “Does
Luke share you with women?”

I gulp. “No.”

“But he has let other men have you before, right?”

“Only a couple of times,” I blush.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes.”
And no. But I’m not going to admit that to you
.

“Were you restrained?”

“Yes.”

“Did he leave you alone with them?”

“No.”

“So he’s never loaned you to anyone overnight.”

I feel my face contort in anger as I shake my head. This is one of my many conflicts. Loaned. Like I’m a car. I can tell Isaac wants to say something, but he pulls his eyes away from mine and goes back to reading.

It’s one thing to hear a man you love growl “You’re mine” into your ear while his arms are wrapped around your waist as he’s pounding you into oblivion. It feels a lot different when he says it after he tells you to hold still while his friend fucks you, especially when you aren’t exactly enjoying it.

I was pleasantly surprised when I realized Luke’s ego could handle the idea of me being with other guys. In fact, he likes it, but in a strange way that still makes me uncomfortable. We have opposite philosophies when it comes to our open relationship. I don’t want to know anything about the women he has on the side, but he wants to know everything. Hell, he gets off on watching it.

At first I thought it was great, that it meant he saw us as equals. It doesn’t. It’s just another facet of his possessiveness, something I used to enjoy. I’ve never had a guy be like that with me, and I know it wasn’t right, but it felt good. Unfortunately he wasn’t the normal possessive boyfriend, easily jealous, wanting you all for himself. For
Luke, it has these strange overtones of ownership. I suppose that it’s part of this role playing, Master/slave thing that we do, but sometimes he gets way too into it, like it’s not a game. He says it isn’t something he can turn on and off like I do.

I wish I’d never gone along with the threesome. Maybe we could have stayed in the little bubble we were in when this started. I thought it would make me feel better if I got to sleep around too. The idea was exciting, and since he promised that it wouldn’t mean I would have to pay him back being with him and another girl, I went for it. It was actually fun being with two guys at the same time. Lots of hands. New, fascinating sensations.

Luke was different afterwards, and not in a good way. Things got more intense in bed. Rougher. Raunchier. What really bothered me was that it felt less loving, even though he said it was the opposite. Then he wanted to do it again, and even though I knew it would just make things worse, I couldn’t tell him no. I didn’t like it the second time, but Luke enjoyed it more. He must not have realized how much it upset me. I never got a chance to tell him because the next day he gave me the necklace I’m wearing now and told me that he knew how much I loved him. I don’t know why he needs me to do this demented stuff to understand how I feel about him.

Then I made the mistake of telling Piper what was going on and she went ballistic. A complete overreaction. She never liked
Luke to begin with and doesn’t understand why it’s so important to me to make things work with him. I feel bad for her. She’s such a romantic. Talking to her was a reality check though, because it was getting out of hand.

The next time
Luke wanted me to sleep with someone else, I refused. I was just too scared. We had one of those big long talks where I told him what I was really feeling, most of it anyway. Things got better, then worse, then it was really confusing for both of us, and somehow we came up with this plan. I guess he came up with this plan but I think it’s a good idea too. I hope.

Isaac isn’t reading anymore. How long has he been staring at me like this? Shit! I did that hesitant catatonic girlfriend thing again.

“Are you done reading?” I ask, shaking it off.

“Yes.”

“Do you feel better?”

“A little bit. It’s not as bad as it usual…” he trails off and says “Fuck!” under his breath. I guess that’s going to be a code for ‘I can’t tell you something.’

“Well, did you decide?” All of the sudden I realize just how much I want him to say yes.

“I have not.”

“Look, I’m a big girl and I can make my own decisions. It’s not your…” He’s looking me up and down as I pace back and forth in front of him. My cheeks flush red as I begin to understand. “Oh.” How could I have been so stupid? “Okay. Sorry. I get it now.”

Don’t cry. He’s been really nice to me and only gave me like a thousand hints, there’s no reason to make him feel guilty because I’m a total idiot. I can feel my lower lip trembling between my teeth and my watering eyes are about to spill over as I rush to my suitcase, desperate to find my girl-next-door clothes to wear instead of this ridiculous little silver dress that I was stupid enough to think I look good in.

I vaguely hear him say, “What?”

“It’s okay.” My voice sure sounds like I’m crying. Great. “I’ll call a cab.” Wait. My car. I’m not actually drunk, but I still shouldn’t drive. Shit.

“You’re leaving? What did I say?” Isaac is right behind me but I can’t turn around to look at him.

“Nothing.” It’s getting hard to see what’s in my bag. Is everything in here fucking lingerie?

“Maya?” His hand lands on my shoulder but I shrug him off. “What did I say?”

“No, really, it’s fine.” I think I feel a pair of yoga pants. “Although, Isaac, it’s great that you’re so nice and everything, especially considering what you do. But sometimes it’s better just to come out with it. It would be less embarrassing.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he snaps, gripping my wrist and pulling me to my feet. Now that I’m facing him, I can’t hide the tears streaming down my cheeks, which are probably fire engine red from humiliation. The anger in his eyes morphs into surprise. “Shit. Maya, whatever I said, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I can’t bear to look at him while he wipes away the tears that won’t start falling, so I close my eyes. “
Luke said you might not find me attractive and told me not to get offended. It’s not a big deal.”

“He actually fucking said that to you?” Isaac crushes me against his bare chest. “That is not the problem.” His hand
cups the back of my head and the last breath he took was actually a whisper. I’m pretty sure the word was ‘prick.’

“Are you sure?”

He grabs my hair at the nape of my neck and pulls me away from his body. I gasp as he leans in to kiss me, but his lips stop just before they land on mine. Instead he places a gentle peck my chin, dragging his kiss upwards until the top of his mouth barely touches the bottom of mine.

“I’m fucking positive,” he mutters, his lips still pressed against my skin. I try to move my mouth lower, but he stops me by pulling my hair. “Don’t.” His mouth breaks away as he pulls me in for a hug, resting his chin on the top of my head. “I wish I hadn’t read that fucking thing so closely.”

“Why?”

“Because then I wouldn’t know that I’m not allowed to
kiss you. On the mouth anyway.”

I’m vaguely aware that this should make me happy because that means kissing is one thing that
Luke only wants me to do with him, but that satisfaction pales in comparison to the disappointment. I’ve wanted to feel Isaac’s lips on mine since I saw him.