Denial (13 page)

I don’t like this. I don’t really mind it when I do it for
Luke. It’s not my favorite thing, but I do it because he likes it so much, and that makes me sort of enjoy it. Maybe if I knew Isaac actually wanted me this way it wouldn’t bother me, but I’m not sure that he does and I’ve never been so positive that I don’t. It’s like Luke is right here in the room with me. When I thought about doing this, I hoped it would feel that way but now that I’m here it isn’t comforting at all. I want him to go away.

I’m never in the room with
Luke when he fucks somebody else. I know he doesn’t think about me for a second, so why the hell does he get to be here when I fuck around on him? I guess that’s not what’s going on though.

That sickening realization of what I’m actually doing smacks me in the face. There was no crazy party, no perfect first date. And that funny, cute guy isn’t coming in here to make out and see what happens next. I don’t like being loaned out. I’m not a fucking car.

This collar is burning the skin on my neck. It’s so heavy. I want to be looking up at Isaac when he walks in the room and tell him to forget about these rules. But then he probably won’t go through with it. He mentioned something about life altering consequences.

Wondering what that means, I laugh a little to myself and all of the sudden my eyes fall on their own. I don’t really know this guy. This is simply a hormonal cascade of desire brought on by pure lust, perhaps compounded by similar personality traits. But this is sex. That’s it. It has no meaning whatsoever. So take a deep breath and stop over thinking it. Enjoy yourself. It’s not every day you get pleasured by a professional. He probably won’t be as nice as the days progress.

The door opens and I see Isaac’s bare feet. I didn’t know it was possible for someone’s feet to be that attractive, but it might be a side effect of knowing who they are attached to. They glide out of my field of vision. He’s constantly dancing everywhere he goes. A drawer opens, then closes.

He’s almost here. I get my first glimpse of his biceps and just a hint of his shoulders before he silently slides a blindfold over my eyes and the world is black. My heart thumps as I gasp. You’ve done this before. Breathe. He’s not going to hurt you. It will be fun.

“Put your hands out in front of you.” It’s that hard, cold voice. How does he do this? Something soft clamps around my wrists and now they can’t pull apart. His hands are holding mine and he breathes deeply, stroking my fingers with his. “Stand up.”

He gives my hand a little squeeze and I remember his voice when he told me he’d still be in there. I’m on my feet
, his hands griping my waist and I’m floating, the air whirling around me. I land on the bed, wobbling, reaching forward with my tethered hands to find him for balance and trying to keep my breasts covered with my arms at the same time. I grip his forearm until I’m steady. He’s so strong, he could really hurt me if he wants to. I hope he doesn’t. The sheets are soft beneath the fronts of my feet and I struggle to remember what color they are. It wasn’t white.

“Lift your arms above your head,” he orders. I choke back a sob. I can’t. If I do he’ll see everything. It doesn’t feel right. I want to see him too. My jaw starts to tremble so I clench my teeth, hoping he doesn’t notice.
“Maya.” I’m really trying but I just can’t. It’s still the hard voice and I don’t like it. My arms won’t budge. He’s waiting. What the hell was that sound I just made? It was so pathetic. 

I feel the bed shift beneath me. He must be kneeling on it now. My hands are in his and brings them up slowly until they are against his lips and he’s kissing my fingers. I wiggle them and he parts his lips, barely taking them into his mouth. It’s so hot in there. Slick. I want to feel it on mine.

He leans closer, letting my hands fall against his chest, breathing on my neck.

“Hey,” he whispers, nudging his head into mine. “I like what I see. A lot.” It’s him, his real voice. His soft lips press against my temple. “If that’s what you’re worried about.” I can’t talk, but I nod. “It’s okay. Relax. Take your time.”

His patient fingers trace a line up and down my spine as I take deep breaths until I’m feeling a little better. Slowly, my arms begin to obey me and lift above my head. There’s a metal clanking sound above me and now they can’t come down. I’m so exposed, blind, squirming to get away from him and closer to him at the same time.

“You are so beautiful.”
I wish I could see how beautiful you are
. My mind flips through the snapshots I’ve taken of his defined abdominal muscles, those incredibly sexy forearms, that tease I just got of his chiseled shoulders. I try to keep it carnal but I flash on him grinning, or running his fingers through his hair when he tries not to laugh. I see his eyes widen and his chin drop when he asks an obvious question in that little kid voice. Why couldn’t he just be hot and demanding, why does he have to have this adorable streak that makes me fall apart inside? It’s heating up a little, but not quite enough. I want to feel his flesh beneath my fingers. See his smile, any of them, the crooked cocky one, or maybe that small nervous one.

He’s not touching me. I
can’t sense any of his movement and it feels like I’m being watched, probably because I am. Judged. Evaluated. I squirm uncomfortably, jumping as his finger slides under my collar.
Take it off. Please.
And almost like he can hear me, I feel him toying with the clasp before his hand falls away.

“I’m just going to touch you,” he whispers.

I try not to, but I jerk when his hands land on my ribs, caressing up and down my flanks. I’m trying to see his eyes in my mind but I can’t find them. Now his hands are on my back and his body is closer to mine, his breathing heavy against my shoulder, mine ragged into the air. He pecks along the outer reaches of my collarbone, his kisses slowing as they wander closer to Luke’s claim on me. His lips skip over it, landing below my ear as I tilt my face to his jaw and kiss him back.

“I shouldn’t use my mouth yet,” he pants, leaning away.

“But I like it.” He didn’t mention anything about calling him Sir.

“Me too.” He pecks my forehead. “I have to hold out on you for bit though. I’ll be back
.”

His hands rest on my hips and I tense up. I wish that I wanted him to grab my ass again, but I don’t. I’m trying to remember
how it felt. I know his body was closer.

His fingers
skim across belly, circling my navel. The other hand glides up my spine and stops in my hair. It doesn’t make me tingle everywhere. Where did that sensation go? His chest is pressed against mine and I can feel it rise and fall as he breathes. He’s so solid. My arms pull down but go nowhere. I need to hold him back. 

“I really want to touch your tits,” he whispers into my ear. It’s that hungry voice that he used when he
told me I was a Goddess, calling to me. “Just relax. Let me pleasure you.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath and let my weight sink down.

“I won’t pinch you hard.”

Warmth
spreads over my skin as his hands cup my breasts, this thumb grazing my nipple as he groans. I wonder what his face looks like when he gets this horny. It’s getting hotter, but I’m still not on fire like I should be. There’s a flash of his incredible eyes and when he tweaks me gently, but they fade away.
Come back
.

“I have to put my mouth on you
, Maya, I can’t stand it anymore.” That voice. Intoxicating. I want to disappear in it.

My mind’s eye flashes on
his tilted, mischievous grin as his lips graze along my jaw. His hungry mouth suckles down to my sternum, traveling toward my nipple. I arch my back and he groans. His lips close around me and energy cascades from that point of contact until my entire body is trembling. What is he doing with his tongue? I squirm closer. That is amazing. He moves to my other breast and clamps down harder. The fire is back.

My body relaxes, sliding my knees apart, my full weight pulling down deliciously on my wrists. I like this part. The hand in my hair makes a gentle fist as the one on my breast slides lower. Oh fuck yes. I buck my hips forward, urging him on. His fingers find my clit and circle it lightly. That moan I made almost sounded musical.

“I want to be inside of you. Just my fingers.”

“Please,” I mewl. He breathes out a laugh.

They slide in effortlessly as his tongue flicks and suckles my nipples. He is ridiculously good at this, if he keeps it up I’m going to explode. I’m so wet, my clit throbbing as my entrance swells around his knuckles. I want the real thing.

“Maya…” His lips are dotting around my face again, grazing the corners of mine.
Fucking kiss me. Please
. He won’t. Because he can’t. And now that image of us on this bed is gone. I can’t find it. I can’t see his eyes. But I can see Luke’s and I don’t want too. They’re staring at me and I can’t escape. My body tenses and Isaac’s lips still below my ear. The hand in my hair relaxes as he pulls me closer. “It’s okay. I’ll slow down.”

Breathe. Just fucking breathe. I try to shut my eyes but they already are and I can’t escape
Luke’s glare. He’s not here, but he’s still sharing me and I still hate it. I fucking hate that he enjoys it so much. Go away. My heartbeat is drumming in my ears.

“Shhhh. You’re okay.” Isaac’s fingers slide out of me and his arms wrap around my waist. My head slumps forward to rest on his shoulder. We stay that way as my breathing slows, but I’m still so tense my shoulders hurt. “Just relax.”

“I can’t.”

His body stiffens, drawing away from mine, making it even worse. “When someone is touching you that you don’t want to touch you…” He sounds so unsure and self-conscious. That’s not what it is and I want to tell him but I don’t know how to say it. “It helps to think about who you wish it really was. So think of
Luke.”

I pull on my restraints and whimper, “Yellow.”

Isaac pushes my knees together so that I lift up. Luke’s eyes are burning into me. Sometimes it’s easy not to look at him when he fucks me because the light goes out and they’re hollow. The way they looked after he let his friend use me that second time.

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Isaac holds my head against his neck as I
shiver. “Breathe.” He stays with me until my breathing is slower and more even, stroking the hair at the nape of my neck gently. “Thank you for giving me a color. I wouldn’t have asked.”

I nod. It feels so warm where his skin is touching mine. He’s kissing the top of my head. “I’ve been where you are. Right where you are.” He kisses my cheek. “I know how exactly it feels. It’s going to be okay. You can do this if you just relax. Don’t think about who it is. They’re just hands. It doesn’t matter who they are attached to.”
I gulp. What does that mean? “Sometimes they make you feel good. Sometimes they make you feel like shit. Or they hurt you. But mine won’t.” His voice is quivering, just barely, but I hear it. “I know how you’re feeling and I don’t want you to feel that way. Just breathe.” He holds me tightly against him. “Give me a color.”

“Green.”

“You’re fine, Maya. I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I don’t want to hurt you. I want to pleasure you. My body can take yours to places it’s never been,” he murmurs into my ear. His hands slide lower to my hips as his mouth moves down my neck, skipping over my collar and sucking on my shoulder. It’s so hungry. “They’re just hands. It’s just a mouth. Don’t worry about who they are attached to or what it means. Just feel good.” He tweaks my nipple.

What would happen if they wanted me to feel bad? I know that it’s Isaac groping me but I can’t see him.
Luke is back, and he’s letting someone else have me. I’m tied up and I can’t do anything about it. What if they wanted me to feel bad because that is what whoever these hands belong to gets off on? Would Luke let them?

He would. I get dizzy and my body seizes up. The hands and the mouth stop moving. What would happen if they weren’t Isaac’s and whoever it was enjoyed that I didn’t like it? I pull down but my arms can’t move. What if
that adorable, shy face is just another mask, another trick, if Isaac isn’t as nice as he seems and now I’m tethered, naked on a bed with a sexual deviant? What was I thinking? This isn’t a fantasy. I don’t want to do this. I have to get out of here. But I’m completely frozen.

“Give me a color,” Isaac whispers into my ear. He sounds so sweet, just holding me, kissing my temple, the square of my jaw, the shell of my ear. I can’t answer him. It won’t come out. “You promised.”

It barely escapes my lips as a tear falls down my cheek. “Red.”

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2

I hear a flick and the pain in my shoulders turns to an ache as my arms fall down. The blindfold is off but I can’t see anything even though the room isn’t bright. My hands are still tied together, but Isaac is freeing them so quickly.

Luke made me say it twice the last time. Watched me while I squirmed. And then he told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing when I tearfully asked him to hold me afterwards. Piper is right. I can’t do this with him anymore. This guy met me yesterday and he got me out in an instant.