Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight (9 page)

Maybe if I ignored her she’d go away. No, that was too childish. I’d just answer the door, tell her I changed my mind, and then it would be over.

But when I opened the door and found her standing there, a dark hoodie hiding her face, wearing the same pair of ripped jeans, my mouth didn’t agree with my brain.

“Come in,” I said, and I stepped back to admit her.

“Thanks.” She pulled the hood off as soon as I closed the door behind her. To the average observer she almost looked like a teenage boy in her attire, dirty black Chucks and all.

“Sooo . . .” I said. “This is a little bit awkward.”

She crossed her arms and rocked back and forth on her heels. “Yeah, pretty much. I’m sorry. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to anymore.”

I shook my head. She’d given me a chance to get out, and I hadn’t taken it. There was something seriously wrong with me.

“Do you, um, want anything? Soda, water? Vodka?” I tried for a joke with the last suggestion.

She laughed nervously. “I might have taken you up on the last one, but I have to work later and it’s better if I’m sober.” Work. Oh.

“So you have to . . .” I had no idea how to describe her “work.”

“Yeah, I have to go back to the club later. Listen, I know this is an uncomfortable situation to begin with, but I’m under no illusions about what I do. I’m a professional submissive. Not a hooker, not a prostitute. What I do isn’t about sex. It’s about freedom and release for my clients. Some people go skydiving. Some people need to tie me up and whip me for a while.” She shrugged one shoulder.

Well now.

“I don’t care. I mean, about what you do. It’s none of my business, really. And I understand what you’re talking about. I wouldn’t be with Fin if I didn’t.”

Our eyes met, and she searched mine, as if looking for something. Then she nodded and walked further into the apartment.

“You know, I’ve been dying to see this place for years.” She held her hands behind her back, like she was trying not to touch anything.

“So you’ve never been up here?” I asked, following her, but not too closely.

She turned around and shook her head. “No. Fin always came to me at the club. That was part of our agreement.”

“Agreement?”

“Yes. I always sign an agreement with my clients ahead of time. Well, my long-term clients anyway. To make sure everyone follows the rules, you know.” She gave me a wink and then kept walking.

She may look young, but she walked like a woman who knew all sorts of dark secrets. Guess she did.

“What’s your real name?” I asked, and she sat on the couch. More like flopped on the couch.

“Why do you want to know?” she asked, scanning the bookshelves.

I made my way over and sat on the other end of the couch. I really should have gotten a drink or something. Like Sunday with the tea. It would give me something to mess with while I tried to organize my scrambled thoughts.

“I don’t know. I just . . . I don’t know.”

She laughed again.

“God, this is awkward. Okay, fine. My name is Lauren. I’m not telling you my last name,” she said.

“Lauren,” I repeated. She definitely didn’t look like a Lauren. Sapphire suited her much better.

“Okay,” she said, still looking at the books. “I knew he’d have a lot of books. I used to tell him he read too much.” She chuckled, as if at a private joke. My stomach churned.

“How can someone read too much?” I asked. She looked at me as if she’d forgotten I was there.

“Never mind. You can’t, I guess. Anyway, I’m guessing you have some questions for me. Fire away.” She turned in my direction and gave me her full attention.

“Sure. Yeah, okay. Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

She shook her head again.

“Listen, I’ve known Fin for a long time. For what it’s worth, coming from me, he’s a good guy. Shitty past, but a good guy. He’s lucky to be as okay as he is. Some of us aren’t so lucky.” She picked at a rip in her jeans.

“Did you have a bad childhood?” I would assume so, if she was hired to sleep with Fin when she was still a teenager. My question made her roll her eyes.

“Listen, I’m not here to tell my sob story. Yes, I had a messed up childhood, and I’m over it, okay?”

Okay, touchy subject.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a pain in the ass.”

That made her smile. “Sure you did. I can’t blame you for being curious how I got to where I am. It’s a long story and not a nice one. But I’m not bitter or angry about being here. I’m a grown woman, and I’ve made my choices. So.”

“How often does he see you? I mean, did he see you?” This was one of my easier questions.

She thought about that for a minute.

“Well, when he was traveling, it was whenever he was in town. So, maybe once or twice a month?” Wow, okay. Next question. I almost wanted to write down her answers.

“And when did he start seeing you like that? I know you met when you were both teenagers, but he didn’t start coming to you until years later, right?”

She pressed her lips together. Not a good sign.

“Listen, I’m going to be straight with you. Fin and I had that one night when he was sixteen, and then we . . . well, we would sort of hang out after that. Nothing professional, nothing on the books. And then I got the job at the club and we moved things there. He’s part of the reason I got the job. Before he opened my eyes, I might have just ended up on a street corner as your standard hooker. He showed me something else. Something I was good at. And for that, I’m grateful. He’s a good man.”

That was the second time she’d told me he was a good man. I knew that, but it was strange to hear it from her.

“So he’s the reason you’re a professional submissive?”

“Partly. And he’s also the reason I didn’t become homeless. You should ask him about that next time you talk to him.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“That part of the story is his to tell.” Fin had given her money? Was he still giving her money? Something clicked in my brain.

“Was that what you were doing the day we bumped into each other? Picking up money?”

She kept her face blank, but that was all the answer I needed.

“He’s giving you money. But you’re not seeing each other anymore, right?” There was no way he lied to me. No way. Not after everything.

“No! No. He just . . . Fin has a bit of a savior complex. I’m sure you’ve seen it at work.”

A little bit, but not really.

“Or maybe he doesn’t want you to see that side of him. Interesting.”

No, it wasn’t interesting.

“So what, he goes around rescuing kittens from trees and helping old ladies cross the street?” I asked, my voice coming out much harsher than I meant it to.

“Whoa, take it up with him. I can understand why he wouldn’t want you to see that side of him. He thinks it makes him look weak.”

What the hell?

“I know, I know,” she said. “Believe me, I’ve had that discussion with him many times. I’ve tried not accepting the money he gives me, but it finds its way into my bank account no matter what. With Fin it’s easier to let him do what he wants. Fighting can be fun, though.” She gave me that knowing smile again. “You’re not jealous, are you? It’s understandable if you are. If I had a boyfriend, I’d probably be jealous. But what Fin and I had . . . it’s more of a business transaction, really. Or you could think of me as a therapist. Or a personal trainer.”

I gave her a look, and she laughed again. Her laugh made her seem even younger.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me,” she said.

“I don’t hate you. I don’t really know how I feel. Confused, more than anything. This isn’t the sort of situation you normally find yourself in.”

“You’ve got that right. Sometimes I forget there’s a world outside that doesn’t understand about what I do. You know what, I could go for a glass of water, if you don’t mind.”

Finally. I got up and went to the kitchen and got a glass of water for each of us. She took a sip and set her glass on the table, making sure there was a coaster under it.

“So, what else do you want to know?”

Now we were getting to the hard stuff.

“He told me about the time he went to see you, after we’d gotten together. He said he’d gone to you for a session, but hadn’t been able to . . . go through with it.” I took a gulp of water and coughed.

“Yeah, I remember. I’d never seen him like that before. He was a mess. A complete mess. I thought he was going to lose it. I knew the second he walked in that he wasn’t there for our usual activities. So we sat and talked, and he told me about you.”

I blushed. “What did he say?” I asked.

“He said that he’d met someone who made him want to change all his rules. He said he couldn’t see me anymore, at least not in a professional capacity. And then he went on and on and on about you and how wonderful and perfect and smart and wonderful and perfect you were.”

My face got redder.

“So there you have it. Hell, he didn’t even touch me. And I haven’t seen him since.”

That was reassuring.

“Okay,” I said. “I can handle that.”

“Can you?” She raised one eyebrow at me and then twisted some of her hair around her finger.

“Well, I’ve done pretty well so far, I think.”

She smiled. “Yeah, you have. You’re different than I thought. From his rave reviews I pictured you . . . differently.” Was that a compliment?

“How?”

“I don’t know. Just different. And you’re completely different from those girls he usually dates.” She rolled her eyes. “I can’t stand those girls. It was no wonder he had to keep coming to me.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t want to think about Fin not getting what he needed from me.

“He’s changed now. You’ve changed him, whether you meant to or not. He’s definitely happier, something I never thought I would see. I knew I could never make him happy. I mean, even if I did feel that way about him, which I don’t. I never fraternize with my clients that way. Besides, Fin isn’t my type anyway, and I’m not exactly a fan of monogamy. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.”

“I’m a fan,” I said.

“It works for some people.” She picked up her water and drank some more. “Are you overwhelmed?”

“Surprisingly, no. But I do have some things to talk with Fin about, I guess.”

She nodded and drank the rest of her water.

“You’ve been good for him. And I think, if you let him, he’ll be good for you. Fin is . . . he’s special. I knew it that first night when he walked into the room. I was scared out of my mind, and then there he was. And, no matter what, he never forced me to do anything I wasn’t willing to do. That’s a rare quality where I come from. I’ve seen a lot of bad to be able to recognize good when I find it.”

Sapphire had given me a hell of a lot to think about it.

“Cheer up, sweetheart. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out,” she said, getting up.

“You think it will? In your professional opinion?”

She laughed again. “Well, you’re still here, so that’s a start. Not a lot of people would have stuck around.”

“I love him,” I said. I needed her to know, for some reason.

“I know you do. It’s written all over your face. Ah, to be young and in love.” She sighed and twirled in a circle.

“How old are you, anyway? I know you’re about the same age as Fin.”

She spun around again and faced me. “I’m older than I look. Much, much older. Some days I feel like I’m a thousand years old. You ever feel like that?”

I sipped the rest of my water. “Yes.”

Sapphire nodded and put her hood back up. “Well. I think I’ll leave you to your thoughts. I’m sure you have plenty of them. Oh, and if you have more questions, you can call me. If not, don’t. You’ll probably never see me again, unless you decide to venture to the dark side.” She stepped close and stroked my cheek. I flinched, and she winked.

“There’s something wild buried in there, Marisol. You should let it out more often.”

And with that, she was gone, and I was left with more questions than answers.