Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight (8 page)

“It’s okay, Dad. I’m here. I’m going to be here for you. Whatever you need.” I meant every word. This was going to mean a lot of trips out here. I wished I could afford a car, but I could probably borrow one. And there was always Carl. I might even need to stay the night on weekends.

Dad finally got ahold of himself and pulled away from me, wiping his eyes with his fingers. I pretended not to notice.

“Is there anything I can do?”

He shook his head. “We just need to keep things quiet and stable for her and not upset her too much.” That last part was directed at me. Yeah, I probably deserved that.

“I can do that. Have you thought maybe about having someone come in and help? Like a nurse or something?” Clearly, he’d been doing everything on his own, and it was running him ragged.

“I’ve thought about it, but haven’t moved forward.”

Aha. Something I could do.

“How about I make some calls and let you know? I could even do some interviews if you want.”

He nodded and patted my hand. “That would be nice, Marisol. That would be really nice.”

“And if there’s anything else I can do, you know I’ll do it. I’m not that far away, and I can be here in less than thirty minutes. I don’t want you doing this alone, okay? I’m here for you, Dad. And Mom.” I gave him another hug, and he smiled for the first time in a while.

“Can I go up and say hello to her?”

He nodded, and we both got up and walked upstairs to their bedroom. God, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been upstairs in my parents’ house.

“She’s having a good day, but she’s really tired. She’s been up late at night and then she sleeps during the day. I have no idea if it has anything to do with . . . everything else, but it’s been exhausting.” I could imagine.

“How did it get this bad this fast?” Just weeks ago she’d been fine.

Dad sighed and leaned against the wall in the hallway outside their door.

“I should have seen it coming. There were little things in the past few months. Forgetting her keys, putting her shoes in the freezer. Nothing major. It was like I just didn’t want to see it. And then by the time it got bad, it was really bad.” He closed his eyes and I wondered if he was going to fall asleep right there against the wall.

“Hey, how about you go to the guest room and take a nap? I’ll stay with her and call you if I need anything, okay?”

He nodded and shuffled down the hall to one of the guest rooms, and I slowly opened the door to my parents’ room.

It was dark, the curtains all drawn tight to block out any daylight. Mom was sleeping peacefully under the flowered duvet cover. They’d redecorated since I’d been in here last. Honestly, it looked like a florist threw up in here. Flowers were everywhere, on the walls, the lamps, the furnishings. It was way too much, but my mother’s taste had never been all that subtle.

I sat down in one of the tufted, flowered chairs and rested my head against the back of it. Mom sighed in her sleep. I looked around and found a novel on her bedside table. Being careful not to disturb her bookmark, I started reading. It was typical romance fare, one of those formulaic things that was a nice read but didn’t get too deep. I skimmed the words without really reading them. She slept on, and I found myself getting drowsy in the low light, but I kept my eyes open.

How much our lives could change in the work of a moment. A few months ago, if I told myself I’d be sitting here, watching my mother sleep, I’d have called myself crazy. But I was here now, and that’s what mattered. I was here, and I was going to be here from now on.

My father came and got me just as I was drifting off in the chair. It was so plush and comfortable, and I couldn’t help but let my eyes close a bit.

I set the book back where I found it and snuck out of the room. Mom had slept the whole time.

“Thank you for that, Marisol. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I actually let myself stop.” He did look a little better, but his eyes still had circles under them. I predicted a lot more sessions at my mother’s bedside while Dad took a break. Almost like having a baby with one parent taking a breather and the other burning the midnight oil.

“Don’t even think about it. I’m here for both of you. Don’t hesitate to call me about anything. Anything. I’ll get you some names of visiting nurses as soon as I can. I’ll call tomorrow in between classes. I’m sure we can find someone to at least come in during the day and give you a break. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I know it’s hard, but you can’t do this on your own.”

He nodded and gave me another hug, holding me tight like he hadn’t since I was young.

“I’m so lucky to have you, Marisol. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Well, I’d not been so great of a daughter for a long time. Now I had to make up for it. I hugged him back and reiterated that he should call me if he needed anything before I headed downstairs to call for a cab.

Even though I just sat next to my mother’s bed, I was completely worn out when I finally got home. There was a traffic jam on the highway that delayed our trip by forty-five minutes. Now I was the one who needed the nap, but I knew if I let myself sleep now, my clock would get all messed up again. So I had some coffee and made myself stay up and work on some more homework. I was now ahead of the game and really happy about it. At least that was something I could do. Once I was pleased with my academic progress, I got online and looked up visiting nurse services in Boston and the surrounding areas. There were a lot of them, and I bookmarked a few pages and wrote down some phone numbers to call when I had a chance the next day.

Finally, I thought about what I wanted to ask Sapphire. She probably wouldn’t tell me her real name anyway, not that it mattered. I was also curious about how she’d gotten into the line of work she’d was in. I didn’t even know what to call it. Saying she was a prostitute seemed . . . crass, but maybe she didn’t care.

I definitely wanted to know about that first time with Fin. Not the details, but what he’d been like when he was younger. He’d given me the picture of himself during his chubby phase, but that wasn’t enough. I’d told him plenty of my childhood stories and escapades, and I wanted us to be even.

By the time I headed to bed (at my usual time), my head felt much lighter, and not as crowded with questions and worries and speculations. This was a good feeling. I hoped it would last.

During my lunch break between classes, I called several of the visiting nurse services and wrote down costs, what they could provide, and started comparing them. At one of the places I called, the woman was so pleasant and sweet, and she said I could stop by their offices whenever I wanted. It wasn’t that far from campus, so I made a note to stop by on Tuesday before I had my “date” with Sapphire.

I also called Dad to relay the news, and he seemed to be in much better spirits than the day before, and excited about the visiting nurse coming in.

“How’s she doing today?” I asked.

“She’s having a lucid day. Completely like her old self. We’re going to the botanical gardens in a little while. She wants to see the latest addition to the butterfly garden.” That sounded like her. My grandmother had loved flowers and passed that on to her daughter. I hadn’t gotten the bug, though. I tried to grow things, but they always died on my watch, no matter how closely I followed the growing instructions.

“That sounds really nice, Dad. Tell her I said hello.” He said he would, and we hung up. That went well. Somehow this crisis had brought me back into my parents’ lives and was making us act like, gasp, a family again. God, life was weird sometimes.

On Monday night I sat with a fresh notebook and pen, writing down my questions for Sapphire. Sure, that was probably a weird thing to do, but it helped me compose my thoughts. I was trying to see this meeting, date, whatever, as more of an interview than anything else. Just an interview between two people. Thinking about it that way made the whole thing feel less . . . weird. More like an assignment for school.

I honestly thought about calling the number again and cancelling my “delivery.” I thought about calling Fin and making sure he was completely fine with this. And I thought about calling Chloe and telling her the truth.

I did none of those things, and as a result, I spent most of my morning classes on Tuesday completely preoccupied. If it wasn’t the meeting with Sapphire, it was the visiting nurse services and hoping I could find someone, and that they could start right away.

I skipped lunch and headed to one of the offices. I had a lovely meeting with the administrator, Gwen, who gave me more information than I’d ever need. I thought about calling Dad as soon as I left but decided to put it off until I finished with Sapphire.

I got to Fin’s over an hour early and spent the wait time with various activities. Laundry, searching for a book before deciding I didn’t feel like reading, making Fin’s bed even though it was already made, lining up my products in the bathroom, cleaning out and organizing the fridge. I had to stop myself before I started defrosting the freezer.

This was insane. This was completely crazy. I couldn’t handle this. No way. I’d have to call the whole thing off. I had my phone out and was dialing the only number I had for Sapphire when there was a knock at the door.

Too late.