Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight (2 page)

“No, but I’m okay with that.”

Chloe raised her eyebrows and met my eyes. “Really?”

I nodded and ate some of the soup. “Really. If I wasn’t okay with it, I’d tell him. I said it because I wanted to say it and needed to say it. I don’t want him to tell me he loves me just because I said it. You should never be obligated like that. And I can’t blame him, since his parents didn’t set a good example on the whole love front.”

Chloe finished her first taco and reached for another.

“What about his mom?” Fin hadn’t told me much about her, but I got the impression she went along with whatever his father dictated. I blamed her, but not as much as Mr. Herald. For all I knew, she could be just as much of a victim as Fin but had just hidden it all these years. Or maybe Mr. Herald had something on her, too. He struck me as the kind of man who would want to know more about you than you knew about yourself, and then use it to his advantage.

People like that were dangerous, and you didn’t want to mess with them. But if something happened to Fin, I’d do a whole lot more than mess with Carleton Herald. A hell of a lot more.

Not wanting to dominate the conversation, I asked Chlo how she was doing.

“Meh.”

Oh. That was not good.

“Tell me,” I said. She might be the more demanding one in our relationship, but sometimes we traded our roles.

“I don’t know. I guess . . . I’m just wondering if I missed my shot. You know, to be happy.” She didn’t need to say anything else for me to know she was talking about Harmony. Yet another person I’d like to deliver a knuckle sandwich to. I never liked her, but Chloe was so in love so fast that it wasn’t until the catastrophic ending that I was able to tell Chloe about my reservations at the beginning.

“You didn’t miss your shot. That wasn’t your shot. Do you remember all the shit she put you through?” I sure did. I had to come in and pick up the pieces, and it made my blood boil just remembering.

“But doesn’t it feel different with Fin? Like everything else you were doing was just practice for the real thing?” I nodded. God, yes. That was exactly how it felt.

“That’s how it was with her. I know it wasn’t perfect, but when it was good? It was so good. And I’m not just talking about the sex. Everything was good. She got me. She knew what I was going to say even before I knew I was going to say it. She could anticipate me. I hated it and I loved it at the same time. I just . . . I want to have that, and I don’t think I will. Something like that doesn’t happen every day.” Chloe was often cynical about love, but deep down she was a total romantic.

She twisted some of her fading red hair in front of her face.

“You need a color touch-up,” I said, trying to talk about something else.

“Yeah.” She blew the hair out of her face and gave me a little smile.

“You still sure you won’t change teams for me?” Chloe asked. I rolled my eyes at her. She’d never overtly propositioned me, just joked about it. She knew I was as straight as she was not straight.

“They say that the majority of people are somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale. So most people aren’t actually straight,” she said. I knew that because she’d told me before, but that didn’t apply to me. Hell, if I was attracted to Chloe that way, I’d have no qualms about going for it. But I wasn’t, just like how I wasn’t attracted to George Clooney. I couldn’t explain it, but there you have it.

“You know if I could make it happen, I would,” I said, and she pouted. “And I don’t think what you had with Harmony was it, I really don’t. There’s someone out there for you. I know that sounds cheesy and trite, but I really think that. And if someone can’t appreciate how awesome you are, then they’re not the right one.”

“Right,” she said. “Now are you going to help me with these tacos, or am I going to end up eating them all myself and then feeling like crap?” I didn’t particularly want to stuff myself with tacos, but there are some sacrifices you have to make in terms of friendship.

“Do you think he’s the one?” Chloe asked right as I took my first bite. I chewed and tried to think of an answer.

“I don’t know. I want him to be, and what I have with him feels so different than anything else, but I honestly don’t know. But I want him to be it.”

Chloe nodded. “That makes sense. I think I’d be worried if you told me he was and started drawing hearts all over your notebook with his name in them.”

I snorted and had to put my down my taco. “Well, I wouldn’t be doing that because I’m not ten, and Fin isn’t a boy in my class that I’m admiring from afar and have an unrequited crush on.”

“Hey, there’s a lot to be said for unrequited love. You don’t get hurt and no one rejects you.”

Yes, I knew the appeal, but it always seemed like standing still. The crush would never develop into something more if the other person didn’t actually know about your feelings.

“But then you never get to have a relationship. It takes two people working for the same thing.”

Chloe shrugged. “Anyway. So how are other non-Fin related things going? How’s your mom?”

I sighed. I’d rather talk about unrequited love.

“Well, I’m going over on Saturday or Sunday to talk with Dad about the whole thing.”

And then I told her about Fin driving me to the house to get the check and all that had gone on with that. I’d had an intense week.

“Aw, I’m so sorry all of this is crashing down on you. Want to do something to take your mind off it?”

I would love to, but I didn’t think much of anything would divert my mind.

“It’s okay. I can deal. Just talking about it helps.”

“And tacos. Don’t forget the tacos. They always help in a crisis.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, but I went along with it. Tacos weren’t going to bring Fin back to me, or help me with my parents. But for right now, eating tacos with my BFF was helping.

I couldn’t sleep that night, waiting for a message from Fin that he’d landed safely. He’d sent me his flight number, and I’d been obsessively checking to make sure it was on time and I had the landing time right. Chloe decided to stay with me. She said it was because her apartment was dirty and thinking about cleaning made her depressed, but I knew it was so I wouldn’t be alone.

Finally, at three in the morning he sent me a text saying he arrived safely, and then my phone rang and I scrambled to hold it to my ear.

“Hey, Marisol. I wasn’t going to call, but I just had to hear your voice.”

“Hi, Fin.”

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

I shook my head and realized he couldn’t see me. Obviously. I was all scrambled.

“No, I was up and waiting to hear from you. I’ve been checking your flight like crazy.”

He chuckled. “I thought so. Well, I’m here and just waiting for my baggage. How are you?”

“I’m okay. Chloe came over and stayed with me and brought me dinner.” I heard her rolling over on the couch and muttering something in her sleep.

“That was nice of her. I’m glad you’re not alone. If I can’t be there, I’m happy someone else is.” His voice did all kinds of things to me. My heart fluttered just like it did the first time I saw him. I really needed to thank Rory for introducing us.

“Are you scared?” I was scared for him. Terrified. Enough to consider getting on a plane and being there for him. But he wouldn’t want that.

“If I said yes would you think less of me?”

“Of course not. Nothing would ever make me think less of you. What you’re doing is a show of strength, not cowardice. You’re taking back power over your own life. I’m so proud of you.” I should have said that more.

“That means the world to hear that, Marisol. Oh, my bags are here. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know how things are going.” I let him know when I’d be in class so he could plan his calls.

“I love you and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, my Marisol.”

I set the phone down and tried to go to sleep, but my efforts were futile. My body might be in my apartment in Boston, but my mind was thousands of miles away with Fin.

“D
id you sleep at all?” Chloe asked the next morning when I emerged from my bedroom.

“Not really. Fin called in the middle of the night to tell me he landed, and I was just . . . freaking out about everything. I tried to sleep, but I’m so worried about him.” Chloe handed me a cup of coffee and I went to grab the French vanilla creamer out of the fridge.

“Is he like, involved in organized crime? Is that why he can’t be with you?” I rolled my eyes at her. But then when I thought about it, the situation was somewhat similar. When you were part of a crime family, you weren’t allowed to leave and you were beholden to them. It wasn’t that different from how Fin lived now, except what he did was legal. I wouldn’t put it past his father to have some shady business dealings, however. When you treated your own son the way Mr. Herald did Fin, there wasn’t much else you had qualms about.

“No. It’s just really complicated.” I hated not telling her, but it was Fin’s secret. I’d only tell her if he said it was okay, and I didn’t think he was ready for anyone else to know just yet.

“I wonder if Rory knows,” she mused as she sipped her cup of black coffee.

“I don’t think so.” I’d never asked her, but I had the feeling she and her parents only knew the sanitized version of Fin’s story.

“I don’t want to go to work,” Chloe said, resting her chin in her hand.

“Why don’t you get a better job?” We’d done this routine so many times I didn’t need a script.

“Because the economy sucks. Yes, my job sucks, but at least it’s a job. I have a steady paycheck and benefits and all that jazz. I just wish I didn’t have to actually work with other people.” Therein lie the problem.

“Well, maybe start looking? You could always work for Sloane. I know she’s always hiring.”

Chloe gave me a terrified look and shook her head. “Yeah, no way. I love her, but she can be scary when it comes to her clothes. I don’t think I’d last long. Do you know how many interns she’s made cry?”

The number was high, I knew that. Sloane demanded perfection from her staff, and that was hard to get when you hired college students who barely knew how to sew.

“Plus, I hate sewing, so that’s out.” True. As I said, we’d done this dance before.

“Well, maybe you’ll come up with something. I’ll look around for you.” Not that I knew anybody who was hiring, other than the “help wanted” signs at local coffee shops and grocery stores. Chloe definitely didn’t want those jobs.