Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight (6 page)

The next thing I knew, there was a buzzing near my ear and a banging coming from somewhere. I rolled over and moaned.

Ugh. This was why you shouldn’t drink too much at once. This right here. I clutched my head and tried to make sense of the noises. One was my phone and the other was a person at my front door.

“I’m coming,” I yelled, and then winced as the sound made my skull ache. The banging had to end. I practically crawled to the door and opened it to find Chloe standing on the other side, clad in yoga pants and a tight tank top, her hair pulled back from her face and twisted up with bobby pins.

“What is wrong with you?” I asked, leaning against the doorway. I wouldn’t be able to remain standing if I didn’t lean on something.

“Yoga time,” she said with an evil grin, and produced a cup of coffee from behind her back. “Get dressed and we’ll go.”

I gave her a look as if she’d just suggested we set ourselves on fire.

Yoga? Hell, I could barely walk, let alone try and balance for any length of time in a tricky position.

“How the hell aren’t you hung over?” I moaned as I fell on the couch and tried not to spill my coffee. I was going to need something in my stomach as well.

“I got up early and got my shit together,” she said with a smug grin.

“I hate you,” I said, but then she handed me a bag with a Danish in it.

“No, you love me. Just get yourself together and we’ll go. If it’s awful we’ll leave, and if it’s not we’ll feel so much better about ourselves.”

What the hell time was it, anyway? I looked at the clock on my DVD player, and holy crap, it was almost noon. I’d really passed out. This body clock thing had really screwed with my life.

“What time is the class?” She’d better not say in ten minutes or else I was going to kill her.

“It’s not until one thirty, but I figured you’d need a good amount of recovery time, which is why I’m here.” Her smile made my teeth hurt. I sipped my coffee and prayed that my stomach would cooperate, and that it wouldn’t come right back up.

“Why did I agree to this again?” I asked, taking a small bite of my Danish and chewing it thoroughly before swallowing. I wasn’t going to throw up. If I told myself I wasn’t going to throw up, I wasn’t going to throw up. Mind over matter.

“Because you love me, and because it will be good for both of us. You know, you’re supposed to exercise and all that.”

“Ugh. Who wants to do that?”

She patted me on the shoulder. “We do, if we want to live past the age of forty.”

I’d read that somewhere. That now humans were sedentary, and sitting could actually kill you and was as bad for your body as smoking. But what could you do? Everything could kill you.

“I guess,” I said, sipping my coffee and wincing at a bolt of pain in my skull. My body definitely didn’t like it when I drank.

Chloe got up and came back with a glass of water and two white pills. “Here,” she said, handing them to me.

I took them from her and swallowed the pills dutifully. The water was too cold and clashed with the hot coffee.

I wasn’t going to throw up.

“Feeling better?” she asked, and I closed my eyes to shut out the brightness of the room.

“Not really. It’s going to take me a little while. Just . . . shh.” I snuggled into the couch and prayed for my stomach to settle.

Chloe sat next to me, and thankfully, kept her mouth shut.

It took a while for me to start feeling better, and even then, it wasn’t by much. I might have to back out of this yoga thing.

“Okay, I think I’m starting to feel human again,” I said, opening my eyes.

Chloe was busy messing with her phone. She smiled. “Good. I was hoping I wasn’t going to have to hold your hair back.” Ugh.

“I’m hoping I’m past that point, but let’s give it a little longer to make sure.” I slowly got to my feet, and my head didn’t slosh around like it did when I’d first gotten up.

I went back to the bedroom and found my phone and purse. I’d been sleeping on the latter.

There was another message from Fin. I nearly dropped the phone in my hurry to read it.

Everything is going to be okay. I’ll call you tonight, or it will be today for you. Can’t wait to talk.

The tone of the text was upbeat, thank God. Maybe this would work out.

“Are you ready yet?” Chloe called, and I cringed.

“Yeah, almost.”

An hour later I was in downward facing dog and cursing Chloe for suggesting yoga after a night of drinking. The chick in front of me was clearly made of rubber and more than happy to show off her amazing flexibility. There were no men in the class, which I was okay with. I didn’t really want anyone of the opposite sex seeing me like this. I was dressed, and that was about all I could do. Chloe had been the one who put my hair up for me.

I glanced over to see her scanning the room. Probably hoping to lock eyes with one of the other women. She was hopeless.

She caught me looking. “What?”

I just shook my head as we transitioned to the next position. My body protested about being stretched in new ways, but my back cracked and it did feel better to use my body like this. The room wasn’t super hot, but I’d worked up a sweat.

By the time we finished, I had to admit, I felt a lot better than I did when I walked in. More . . . put together. Less scattered and all over the place.

Maybe there was something to this yoga stuff.

“God, I feel ten feet taller. Do I look taller? I’ve heard you can lengthen your spine if you do enough yoga,” Chloe said as we waited in line to refill our water bottles.

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” I said, filling my bottle and then drinking most of it.

“So, was it worth it?” Chloe asked.

“Yeah, it kinda was. I think we should make this a thing we do.”

She nodded and held up her water bottle. “I’ll toast to that.”

The two of us headed off to a late lunch after yoga, even though we were slightly sweaty and gross.

“So, everything is going okay with you? The Fin thing is sort of working out?” Chloe asked.

I shrugged. I was still on the high from the yoga session, and I didn’t want to think about things that would send me back into stress mode.

“Can we not talk about it right now?” I asked, and she nodded.

“Forget I mentioned it.”

Good.

“How about you tell me about the lady you spent the night with? Was it a one-time thing, or will there be a repeat?” That got her talking about the good things about that night (in great detail), and the not-so-good things (the woman said “like” too much, and was always talking about her vegan, raw diet).

“Yeah, that’s probably a no-go. But didn’t you know about the bad stuff before you slept with her?” I asked.

“Well, yeah. But you should have seen her body. Amazing. Just . . . all the right stuff in all the right places. I might see her again, but it would be purely sexual. Satisfy the itch.”

I nodded and then my phone rang.

It was Fin.

“I have to take this,” I said, and Chloe made a shooing motion for me to take the call outside the café.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I said, and she gave me a thumbs up.

“Hey, Fin. Long time no talk,” I said as I stepped outside.

“Hello, Marisol. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve heard your voice.”

“Same here. Your text was very upbeat. Were you lying to me, or are things actually going well?”

He chuckled. “No, don’t you go being pessimistic. I do that enough for the both of us,” he said. Wow, he was definitely upbeat. More so than I’d heard in ages. Fin was downright giddy.

“I guess things are going well, huh?” I wished I could see his face, but if things were going this good then maybe we could video chat, or maybe he’d be home really soon.

“Yes. I think everything is going to work in my favor, and I’ll be coming back to you soon.”

He wouldn’t give me details, and that did worry me just a tiny bit. I had no idea what his solution to this problem that had plagued him his entire life could be.

“Not going to let me in on your secret plans?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“I would if I could. I don’t want to take any chances. Leave no trace.”

Oh.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I said, but the disappointment in my voice was obvious.

“Oh, Marisol. I’ll tell you everything, I promise. You’ll get a full account when I get back.”

Good.

“I’m going to hold you to that,” I said.

“I hope you do. So, enough about me, what’s new with you?” Right. This was the part where I told him about Sapphire. I was really going to do it this time. It would probably bring down his buoyant mood, but there was nothing I could do about that. The longer I put off telling him, the less chance I actually would.

“So, um, I met someone the other day when I was going to your place. I have no idea why she was there but . . . I saw Sapphire.” As predicted, he was silent on the other end. Silent for so long I didn’t know if the call was still going. “Fin?”

“I’m here. What exactly did she say?” I couldn’t reenact our conversation, but I could give him the gist of it.

“Well, I said something about her not looking like I thought she would. She just had jeans on. I don’t know what I expected, but not that. More leather, definitely. Anyway, she gave me a card and said if I wanted to talk, I could call her and ask for a delivery and then say her name. That was it. Then I left. Please don’t be angry.” I don’t know why I added on the last part. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, except maybe keeping this from him for a few days. Oh, and that one call to the number that I hadn’t completed, but I didn’t tell him about that.

“This is . . . well, this complicates things. Just when I thought we were going in the right direction and having a smooth ride.”

Ha. Our ride had never been smooth. I wasn’t sure if it ever would be. Being with Fin was an adventure and one not for the faint of heart.

“I haven’t done anything, I swear. I wanted to tell you first. I should probably just throw the card away, but I have to be honest, I’m really curious about her and why she was at your place.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from Fin, as if I’d surprised him.

“She was at my apartment?”

“Well, in front of it. I asked her why and she said she’d explain if I wanted to talk. Or you could just tell me.”

He paused again.

“I don’t know if I can tell you that story, Marisol. I think it would be better coming from her. You have nothing to worry about. When I said I wasn’t going to visit her, that’s the truth. I haven’t seen her since that one time I told you about. Do you believe me?” Yes. I do. I can’t explain it, but I do.

“Are you sure you want to talk to her? It’s not going to be weird?” he said.

“It might be, but I want to do this.”

Yes, I’d thought about the fact that Sapphire was a woman who had sex with Fin for years—the kind of sex that he and I probably hadn’t had yet. I knew he handled me with kid gloves and I had yet to delve deeper into his desires. I wanted to be ready for that, but I didn’t know if I fully was yet. Telling myself I was ready to be with that side of Fin was one thing, and doing it was another.

I needed another perspective. Someone who really knew Fin. Thinking of him with her made me a little nauseous, but I could put that aside for a conversation. I didn’t hate either of them for being together. Like it or not, she’d been a part of his life and I wanted to know her story.

“I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I won’t stop you,” Fin finally said.

“I figured. If you want some time to think, that’s fine. I wish you were here so we could really talk, but this was the best way I could think to tell you, and I didn’t want to keep this from you until you got back, since I didn’t know when that would be.” Oh, this tangled, tangled web I’d gotten myself into.

“No, no. I’m not angry with either of you. I’m not, I promise. It’s just . . . an interesting predicament. I wouldn’t have thought you’d want to talk to her.” Yeah, me either. But seeing her in person, and knowing she was real and not just a person Fin had told me about made everything different.