Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (47 page)

The technique you describe, whereby pressure is applied to the perineum, is well-known to premature ejaculators. Some Hindu sects such as Tantrism believe that if a man climaxes without ejaculation, the semen will be drawn up the spinal cord to the brain, where it fuels superhuman powers (note to Stan Lee: Retrograde Ejaculation Man!). In reality the semen is drawn into the bladder, where it’s expelled the next time you take a piss. But she doesn’t have to know that.

Getting out a semen stain

What is the best way to remove a semen stain?—T.R., San Diego, California

Assuming the stain isn’t a memento from some unforgettable quickie, warm water should do the trick. Semen consists of water, seminal plasma, spermatozoa and trace amounts of more than 30 other elements, but nothing that soaking or washing can’t remove. Treat the stain within a few days for best results. If you prefer dry cleaning and care to be discreet, the technical term for bodily secretions is albumin (your cleaner has seen it all before). Should the ejaculate miss your garment and plop on the office floor, the Carpet and Rug Institute provides semen removal instructions at its website (carpet-rug.com) that begin: “Blot with a dry, white absorbent cloth or white paper towels. Gently scrape up semisolids with a rounded spoon. Break up solids and vacuum.” You can take it from there.

Yellow semen

Sometimes when I ejaculate, my semen comes out either yellow or partly clear. At other times it contains gelatinous lumps. Should I be concerned?—C.B., Falls Church, Virginia

Semen may appear white, gray, yellow or silver, and it can be watery or thick. It also will vary from guy to guy and ejaculation to ejaculation. If you haven’t had sex in a while, it may appear more yellow than usual, and certain medications also might change its color. If it has brown or red streaks, that’s blood. Typically it indicates that you broke a vessel or have a minor infection. In rare cases it points to something more serious, such as prostate cancer, but you don’t need to be concerned unless you see blood in every ejaculation for weeks at a time, or if you feel pain. The gelatin-like lumps you mentioned may be globules of protein and enzymes that form naturally in the prostate gland. They could indicate a mild infection, or simply that you haven’t ejaculated in a while.

He’s gonna blow!

An article in
Playboy
stated that the most semen recorded in one ejaculation was 2.23 teaspoons. Are you sure you didn’t mean tablespoons? The last time I gave my boyfriend a hand job, he came in gushes. How would I measure his load to give him the new record? Would he win a prize?—P.H., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

You sound like the prize. The 2.23 teaspoons was produced by the power hitter in a fertility study of 1,300 men. The typical ejaculate measured about half a teaspoon. Until someone with a lab coat and an advanced degree agrees to measure your boyfriend’s spunk, his talents must remain the stuff of legend.

I have a technique for increasing volume and distance. Here it is: (1) Whatever method you use to come, make sure it’s consistent. Don’t surprise your penis. (2) Keep all the promises you make to your body. For example, at the moment you feel yourself about to come during a blow job, don’t pull your penis away. Come all over her face, because your penis thinks that’s what you’re going to do. If you don’t, your body will consider you a promise breaker. (3) Use your imagination. It’s easier for me to have a forceful orgasm if I have a fresh fantasy in mind. I don’t have a large penis, but I’ll match my ejaculations—for volume, intensity and distance—against any porn stud.—M.A., Troy, New Jersey

Your methods may provide more force, but not more volume. The only reliable way to increase the volume of your ejaculation is to hold off from having sex or masturbating for a few days. Penis size has nothing to do with how much semen you produce. And you won’t have a second chance to work on your technique if you come on a woman’s face without her okay.

Is my fiancée rejecting my sperm?

My fiancée and I are trying to have a child. When I ejaculate inside her and pull out, my semen spills out a few moments later. We’ve tried crossing her legs or holding them straight up in the air, but she still hasn’t become pregnant. Could it be that my sperm doesn’t react well with her body?—W.A., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Not at all. Backflow is normal. You are shooting hundreds of millions of sperm into the back of her vagina, but only the strongest will make it through her cervix. The oldest and weakest sperm tend to be those first out of the hatch, so they end up at the bottom of the pool of semen and are sent back. There are various notions about why men produce so much sperm in each ejaculate, but basically the little buggers are fragile, difficult to make and must complete a difficult and lengthy journey. The woman has so many defenses that trim down the number of invaders that it takes hundreds of millions of sacrifices to get just a few hundred sperm to within striking distance of the egg.

How much do sperm donors make?

What’s the going rate for donating sperm?—M.H., Los Angeles, California

The standard rate is $75 a pop, and the chance to reread your favorite articles in
Playboy
. But it’s not easy money. At California Cryobank, based in Los Angeles, donor applicants go through an elaborate screening process. First, you must be 19 to 39 years old and college-educated. Second, you must meet the same public health standards as a blood donor, have a physical exam and answer numerous questions about your medical and genetic history. Third, your sperm must be able to survive being frozen and thawed. After all that, fewer than 2 percent of applicants qualify. (Technically they’re paid for their time, not the sperm.) Each contributes to the bank two or three times per week for one to two years. A single woman or couple browses a catalog that lists the donors based on general characteristics such as educational level and race, selects one, then receives his samples until she becomes pregnant. If he chooses, a donor can allow the children he helps create to contact him after they turn 18.

Does semen cause weight loss?

A friend sent me an article he found online that reads: “The secret to keeping pounds off may lie in the chemical makeup of semen. A 12-month study of 200 women showed that those who performed fellatio to completion (swallowing) gained an average of 48 percent less weight than those who did not. ‘We are focusing on an alkaline substance found in semen,’ said Ingrid Fleischer, a professor of science and medicine at the University of Hamburg. ‘By itself, it has no effect on burning calories, but when mixed with other elements in semen, the results are staggering.’” A group of us are debating whether this could be true.—R.K., Duluth, Minnesota

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. But pray she does.

Is semen still potent after freezing?

Let’s say I collect my semen and freeze it. If my girlfriend inserts the frozen cube into her vagina, could she get pregnant?—J.H., Montgomery, Alabama

Are you being deployed? It’s more likely you’ll forget about the thing and get a surprise in your next drink. To preserve sperm, banks freeze it in liquid nitrogen at 196 degrees below zero. They also add a solution to prevent ice crystals from forming inside the spermatozoa.

Does swallowing affect a fetus?

I love oral sex. But now that I’m pregnant, I fear that swallowing semen will affect my fetus. A friend told me not to worry because semen is just protein. Is semen harmful in this situation?—R.T., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Not at all. It may even be beneficial. Research suggests that exposure to semen through intercourse (and possibly oral sex) prevents preeclampsia, a dangerous form of high blood pressure that can occur late in pregnancy. The semen can’t come from just anyone—it has to belong to the father, and exposure has to be repeated over months. Prolonged contact with the father’s antigens apparently boosts the mother’s immune system. That may be why one study found that first-time moms who become pregnant within the initial four months of a sexual relationship are at greater risk of preeclampsia.

What’s causing this chin pimple?

I’ve been married about a year, and I blow my husband nearly every day. But I developed a pimple on the center of my chin that wouldn’t go away. It finally cleared up when he went on a trip for a few days. Could blow jobs be giving me acne?—J.C., Bloomingdale, Indiana

You could get us in a lot of trouble with millions of teenage boys. We suspect that the pimple is caused by the excess saliva created during these regular blow jobs, for which we know of no solution that doesn’t compromise the integrity of the BJ. If this were anything more serious, such as an allergic reaction to your husband’s semen, your lips and tongue would probably swell. According to Dr. Jonathan Bernstein of the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine, who has studied semen allergies, the most serious involve burning, itching, blisters, congestion, shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea and loss of consciousness. It’s possible, he says, that some women are reacting not to semen but to foods or drugs passed through their partner’s body. Some women have also had immunotherapy with proteins isolated from their lover’s seminal plasma. Another solution, less popular, is to change partners, although even that doesn’t always work.

SEX TOYS

Let’s get buzzed.

Choosing a vibrator

Can you recommend a good vibrator?—G.B., Phoenix, Arizona

Besides the washing machine? Every woman (and man) is different, so we can tell you only what sells well at shops such as Babeland (800-658-9119 or babeland.com). We’ve written about the top three before: the workhorse Hitachi Magic Wand, the classic Rabbit Habit and the discreet Pocket Rocket. Innovative products include a vibrator charged by the sun; the Petal Ring, which is designed to stimulate both partners at the same time; a vibe you can attach to your laptop’s USB port; and the Audi-Oh Butterfly, which vibrates to sounds such as voices or music. In general, vibrators are becoming smaller and more powerful, largely because many now run on watch batteries. The trendiest new toys are vibrating objets d’art sold by the London boutique Myla (myla.com). Japanese ceramic artist Mari-Ruth Oda created Pebble ($190) and furniture designer Tom Dixon created Bone ($380).

Sex toys at the airport

Is it safe to carry sex toys through airport security?—M.T., San Francisco, California

Sure. But avoid delays and in-flight temptations by transporting the toys in your checked luggage. Certain toys, such as handcuffs or strap-on dildos, might raise suspicions, especially if you wear them. And take a lesson from the passenger who caused a bomb scare in Springfield, Massachusetts. Police evacuated the city’s train station after Amtrak personnel reported an unusual sound coming from a checked suitcase. It turned out to be a vibrator that kicked on after being jostled. Our advice: Remove the batteries.

Vibrating panties

Nothing irritates me more than when someone’s cell phone rings in the middle of a meeting, or in a restaurant. So I bought one with a vibrating device. That’s when the lightbulb went on over my head. I bought a beat-up cell for ten bucks, set up an account for it and ran home. I hooked up the signal receiver to a pair of vibrating eggs that my girlfriend places in her vagina. The whole thing is powered by a small battery pack that tucks neatly in the small of her back. She tells me she forgets she’s wearing it, but that may be because she has started wearing it all the time. I call her whenever the mood strikes, perhaps while she’s sitting at her desk, or talking to her girlfriends at the watercooler, or briefing her boss. I let it ring once, as a tease, or three times, to make a point, or for 15 minutes, to drive her nuts. She can’t answer the phone, so she’s at my mercy. My favorite trick is to call her ground line, ask her some insipid question to lull her into a long answer, then dial her “privates” number. The change in her tone of voice is priceless. Now she goes limp at the sound of any phone ringing. I’d still like to get a remote vibrator, something that can be activated quickly at a party, from my pocket, without pulling the phone out every time. Maybe I could build it, but I don’t know enough about electronics. Does anyone make this sort of product?—V.K., Ottawa, Ontario