Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (50 page)

Wow, that’s desperate. Granted, your method makes an impression. As a general rule, however, “klutz” should never be the first thought to cross a woman’s mind when meeting you. Women are more impressed by confidence than cons.

He likes “older” women

I’m 18 years old and attracted to older women, like 30. Is this normal?—T.D., Omaha, Nebraska

First, never tell a 30-year-old you consider her an older woman. Second, act now: When you hit 30, you’ll be fantasizing about 18-year-olds.

Surprise package

Recently I met an amazing Asian woman at a bar. For the next few weeks we saw each other almost every day. The extent of our physical contact was my fondling her breasts and her giving me head. One day, after it started to get intense, she shut down and asked me to leave. She called me later to tell me she “wasn’t a real girl.” She said she hadn’t told me sooner or in person because she feared my reaction. I know most guys would walk away, but I’m crazy about her. (She acts, talks and dresses like a woman, so it’s hard for me to think of her otherwise.) I’m not gay, but I’m in love with a man. What the hell should I do? If it were only physical, it would be an easy decision.—M.K., Indianapolis, Indiana

Love is a mysterious thing. Gender can be too. Since you don’t have an immediate urge to flee, continue the conversation. If labels are a concern, you’re bisexual.

The smell of success

I had a blind date that went so well, we ended up having sex. But when I went down on her, I was bothered to discover that she had perfumed her pubic area. This woman has many of the qualities I look for in a potential spouse, but the fact that she was ready to go to bed with a stranger has me wondering. Am I being a prude, or do I have a legitimate concern?—R.H., Prunedale, California

We love a woman who is prepared for any circumstance, although who’s to say she doesn’t perfume herself all the time? Regardless, you were no longer a stranger when she went to bed with you.

He wrote to ask if he’s a prude, but he is actually a hypocrite. He too was ready and willing to go to bed on the first date.—B.A., Fairview, Oregon

Some guys are never happy. I bet if she had refused sex, he would have asked how to get a blind date into bed. Besides, most women do not spray perfume on their genitals, as that would taste nasty for the guy. Instead, they dot it above the kissable zone.—A.M., Monrovia, California

I wonder what his date thought when she learned he had washed his balls.—P.Y., Metairie, Louisiana

For her sake we hope he did.

Are some guys hopeless?

A few months ago you published a letter from a guy who couldn’t get a date. Another reader said the guy’s problem must be his choice of ladies. That’s not it. Having listened to hundreds of women over the years, I’ve concluded that there are simply men nobody wants. Women call these guys jerks, creeps, nerds, losers, dorks, dweebs, etc. If it’s not his lack of money, he is either too short or losing his hair. The world’s zeros need to leave women alone. The Advisor has pioneered other social issues—pioneer this one. Your female readers will thank you.—R.S., Garland, Texas

We’ve heard from thousands of women over the years, and we don’t share your cynical view of their outlooks or motivations. Many say that short, bald guys are better companions, and more attentive in bed. Besides, if there weren’t any jerks, creeps, nerds, losers, dorks or dweebs, we wouldn’t look so good by comparison. Let’s keep them circulating.

So the Advisor believes that “many” women prefer short, bald guys? As a short, fat, bald guy, I can say you’re dead wrong. Women are as shallow as men when it comes to dating. Their rules are more numerous than those used by men—but no deeper. Both sexes are driven by evolutionary biology: Good-looking = healthy = good mate. Admit it: Losers exist. I know. I’m one of them—and you have no idea how it hurts to write that.—V.P., Knoxville, Tennessee

Tommy Lee Jones had a line in the movie
Jackson County Jail
that applies here. He said, “I’ll play what’s dealt.” You can’t be taller, and you can’t get your hair back, but you can lose weight—and the chip on your shoulder. We know some hefty guys who do okay, but they possess rare charm. Without that, you have to work harder. Most guys talk their way into women’s lives rather than leading with their perfect chins. Social skills don’t come naturally for everyone, but awkward and shy people still manage to reproduce. A major obstacle for many men is their belief that having a girlfriend or spouse will solve larger problems. If you’re searching for a savior, you’ll judge every woman who crosses your path solely on whether she can change your life. That puts incredible pressure on the encounters, and it changes how you are perceived.

The reader who claimed that “losers, creeps and dorks” should leave women alone is right. It’s important for a man to recognize his limitations. I suggest other losers do what I’ve done for the past few years—pay for sex. First, you won’t have the hassle of dating. Second, by the time you’ve spent the money, time and effort to take out a woman who may or may not sleep with you, you’ve spent as much as you would in a massage parlor or with an escort. There are risks, but sex is always a gamble. You may not go on any dates, but at least you’ll get laid.—T.B., Sausalito, California

It’s a rare man who can survive on sex alone.

I’ve worked in a number of bars and I have noticed a lot of couples who I thought would never go for each other—a gorgeous redhead with a short, fat, balding guy; an overweight woman with a petite guy. I’m 6'2" and 240 pounds, and I’ve dated women as short as 5'1" and as tall as 6'3". In my experience, when you interact with women as you would with your friends, they respond in kind. Striking up a conversation is the hard part, because it can feel artificial. That’s why you go out with a group.—M.P., Sandusky, Ohio

A reader wrote to say that no woman would go out with him because good-looking = healthy = good mate. Bullshit. When I was a teenager I broke my neck and ended up a quadriplegic. Twenty years later, I’ve had many lovers and am now happily married. I have little upper-body movement and no feeling below my nipples. According to this guy’s flawed theory, I should be sitting home watching
Baywatch
reruns.—D.D., Winnipeg, Manitoba

It’s amazing what a guy with sensitive nipples can accomplish.

A word to the wise for losers, dorks and single old guys: Writing to the Advisor about your problems with women is like a chicken asking a fox about getting on with the wolves. What you need are tips from the trenches. Take your butt offshore and leave the local beauties to feed on themselves. Even an old guy can do well in the Dominican Republic. Or try Asia. I have traveled there for years and can tell you that the nicest women in the world are waiting to welcome you into their hearts. Being a dork is not something you can do much about. Your local psychiatrist, with his eyes on your wallet, may disagree, but for now, genetics are beyond your control. Behavior patterns are formed early in life and personality disorders are largely untreatable. Stay in the game. You become a loser only if you stop playing.—N.B., St. George, Utah

You make some good points, but let’s not kid ourselves about why impoverished women in Cuba, the Dominican Republic or Asia might “open their hearts” to relatively rich but dorky Americans.

I’d rather have a girlfriend

I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life and had sort of accepted that. But on a lark I placed a personal ad online. A few months passed before I received a response—and she had replied to the wrong ad. I’m 43 and she’s 21, but we chatted and then met. She said right away she didn’t find me attractive, but we stayed friendly. Two weeks later she invited me over. Soon I was spending two or three nights a week at her place. One night she was busy but said, “How about my friend Amy? She’s not getting any.” So she called Amy, who called me, and within an hour I was fucking this 19-year-old. Then Amy told me about another friend, who’s 22. Same thing happened. Now they’ve agreed not to share me with anyone. I don’t mind, except I placed the ad to find a girlfriend. I try to meet people, but when 11 p.m. rolls around I’m knocking on one of these three doors. This is the most sex I’ve ever gotten, and it’s high quality, but I want something more.—M.H., Chicago, Illinois

It’s hard enough to give up one night a week of great sex, but seven? We couldn’t do it. You could walk away and see who follows; perhaps you already have a girlfriend and neither of you realizes it. But don’t expect that to happen. Instead we suggest you restrict your booty calls to weeknights so you can devote at least weekends to your search.

I’d let her blow me

Once or twice a week my friends and I go out to lunch. Sometimes we’ll see a girl and somebody will say, “I wouldn’t sleep with her, but I’d let her blow me.” Do women say the same sort of thing about guys? That is, do they see an attractive man and say, “I wouldn’t sleep with him, but I would let him go down on me”? Please survey some women and let us know the results.—T.W., Raleigh, North Carolina

What women say is, “I wouldn’t sleep with him, but I’d let him spend money on me.” (Ouch.) In general, women don’t differentiate between oral sex and intercourse—each is considered equally intimate—so a man judged worthy of cunnilingus is suitable for fucking by default. Marcelle Karp of
Bust
magazine says the women she hangs with might announce something like, “I wish I had 15 minutes alone with that” when a beautiful guy walks by, but they rarely get more specific. Nikol Lohr of DisgruntledHousewife.com says her friends have been known to say, “I wouldn’t want to hang out with him, but I’d fuck him.” Hearing that, we feel objectified—and disappointed we haven’t met Nikol’s friends.

Do nice guys finish last?

Nice guys finish last, as always. I went out with this girl a couple of times, and things got steamy. I sent her a letter to tell her how I felt: “We have known each other for only a little while, but already I feel like we’ve been together for a lifetime. When I am with you, everything feels right. I never thought that I could be so happy with someone. Do you know how special you are to me? Do you think other people notice how intense our feelings are? Do you think other people feel like we do? I thought this sort of love happened only in great fiction or the movies. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found you. Give me a call. I would love to hear your voice.” When I called later she yelled that she needed some sleep and hung up on me! I understand that when a nice guy comes along many women are in a new situation and act immature. But I’m tired of being nice. I’m tired of being the shoulder to cry on. I’m tired of being the one who cares. Is this why nice guys give up and become players?—K.M., Southbury, Connecticut

Yeah, yeah, you’re a martyr. We hear this complaint every month from guys who face rejection, but it’s too easy. The fact of the matter is, your letter was horseshit. It’s no wonder this woman needed sleep—it exhausted us, too. There’s no way you can have such deep feelings for someone after a few dates, or maybe ever. Put the Hollywood ending aside and concentrate on building the friendship. That’s the basis of any solid relationship.

How many women are virgins?

I am a 28-year-old Christian. When I was 15, I made a vow to save myself for my future wife. I’ve had the chance to lose my virginity several times and always resisted. As I get older, I’m meeting more and more women who are sexually experienced, and I’m reluctant to ask them out because I fear they will laugh at me. I wish I had never made my promise, although I know in theory that it will lead to a lasting marriage. Do you know how many women have opted to do the same for their future mates?—D.C., Dallas, Texas

Have you considered that your future wife may not want your virginity? Instead, she may prefer a guy who has thrived in and survived a few intimate relationships. We’re not saying you should rush out and get laid, but you made this vow before you were emotionally or sexually mature—a true leap of faith about how your life would unfold. According to one study, 16.5 percent of men and 30 percent of women remain virgins until they marry. Other research suggests that these men and women have much lower rates of separation and divorce, but anyone who can abstain in our sexually saturated culture easily has the discipline for a long-term relationship. Don’t be ashamed to explain, if necessary, why you’re celibate. Your dates will either respect your convictions or become incredibly turned on, but we doubt they’ll laugh. If a wily lover manages to seduce you, keep in mind that your innocence had a long life, and that you’ll still have a great marriage—maybe with her.

I’ll marry her, but no vows