Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (22 page)

Marijuana and fertility

I smoke one or two joints a day. Should I stop so that my wife and I have a better chance of conceiving?—M.L., Pasadena, California

Yes. It’s well established that long-term, regular use of weed leads to decreased sperm production. A study in 2003 of 22 men who smoked at least twice a day for five years also found that their sperm swam too fast too soon and had trouble attaching to the egg. Researchers believe it could take four to six clean months for things to return to normal. Here’s a possible antidote: A study of 750 Brazilians suggests that guys who drink coffee have more energetic sperm.

Does male menopause exist?

Is there such a thing as male menopause? If so, what can I do about it?—T.L., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

While women’s hormone levels drop dramatically, usually in their early 50s, men experience a more gradual decline. One study found that men’s testosterone levels drop about one percent annually from age 39 to 70. As men age, their bodies sag. They take longer to heal from illnesses or injuries. They have less physical endurance. They may feel depressed, anxious, irritable or indecisive. They have less interest in sex, less forceful ejaculations and difficulty achieving and maintaining erections. What role testosterone or other hormones play in this remains unclear. That’s one reason to be cautious about testosterone therapy, which can increase your risk of prostate cancer and may not cure erectile dysfunction if the problem is high blood pressure, arteriosclerosis, diabetes, depression or another illness. Scientists are studying the effects of various hormones on the symptoms of middle age. In the meantime, exercise, good nutrition and regular medical exams are always a good idea.

IN THE BEDROOM

Let’s keep the lights on.

Sky high

I’d like to make an important point regarding the mile high club. The only people who can join are the pilot and his or her partner. Passengers, a.k.a. self-loading freight, do not qualify. A purist like myself also says the autopilot should not be used. Am I a member of the club? No, I am simply a pilot who hates to see what began as an exclusive club watered down for groundlings. I’ll earn my wings one day, and I will do so in a way I can be proud of.—P.J., San Leandro, California

Now, now—we’re all in this together. Your standard is much too strict, and making love in the cockpit of an airborne plane is foolhardy. In our view, a pilot who’s having intercourse is freight on a pilotless plane. You fly, and let passengers take care of the sex.

Since Denver is the Mile High City, could my boyfriend and I join the mile high club if we screwed like crazy in a hotel room there? The thought of having sex on an airplane is arousing, but I can’t risk getting caught. What do you say? Would we qualify?—J.L., St. Paul, Minnesota

Sorry, no. However, you would be eligible for the less exclusive “Fucked in Denver” club.

How about if you have sex on Mount Everest?—B.W., Portland, Oregon

We’d give you credit, but you might piss off the Sherpas—and the mountain. The Buddhist guides do not take kindly to anyone “making sauce” on Chomolungma, as they believe it insults and angers the mountain (same with killing animals, getting drunk and burning trash). One photographer caught during a private moment with his girlfriend told
National Geographic Adventure
that a Sherpa warned, “The weather is bad, and I think you are adding to it. No taki-taki on the mountain.” But at least one climber says the raunchy Sherpas are half-kidding and themselves sometimes hook up with Western women during expeditions. In 2004 a professor of international relations
at New Zealand’s Victoria University of Wellington, as an exercise in organizing a global social movement, created a website inviting people to assemble at the Everest base camp. He hopes to show support for Sherpa efforts to counter the “most spiritually erosive effects of mountain tourism,” including sex.

Have you heard of the mile low club? To qualify, you ride the Eurostar through the “Chunnel of Love” between Britain and France and do it in the roomy washrooms during the 20 minutes or so that the train is in the tunnel.—C.V., London, U.K.

Sounds like quite a ride, but you’re far short of a mile. The Eurostar reaches a depth of 377 feet below sea level about 11 minutes after it enters the tunnel. You’ll need at least 14 more trips to reach a cumulative mile, which might be fun but can’t be considered an official qualifier. To join the mile low club, figure out a way to claim two of the three seats on a deep-sea research submersible. We’re already in training.

Some of the Witwatersrand Reef gold mines around Johannesburg offer tours that take you down a mile or farther below ground. You just need to figure out a way to lose the rest of the group. That’s what might be called going down with someone.—J.B., San Antonio, Texas

Traveling a mile below the surface doesn’t qualify. You have to be a mile below sea level. By that account, the Witwatersrand mines extend a third of a mile down. However, it can be done. The Western Deep Levels mine southwest of Johannesburg reaches a depth of 2.5 miles, allowing miners to descend at least a mile below sea level. Peter Bunkell of the Chamber of Mines of South Africa points out that “conditions for lovemaking at that depth, though not prohibitive, would be far from ideal.” For starters, he says, “it is very, very hot.”

Dirty thoughts

A co-worker closes his door for 20 minutes every day so he can meditate. He says I should give it a try, but it seems like a hassle. Is there any advantage to meditation?—N.G., Detroit, Michigan

Buddhists have thought so for at least 2,500 years, and they may be onto something. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin wanted to see if meditation caused physical changes to the brain, so they used an MRI machine to monitor eight Tibetan monks who had each practiced meditation for 10,000 to 50,000 hours
over 15 to 40 years. While meditating on unconditional compassion, the monks produced the highest level of gamma waves—the brain impulses associated with happiness, mental awareness and coordinated thinking—ever recorded in healthy people. Even when they weren’t meditating, the monks had more gamma activity than a control group of novices. This and other studies indicate that meditation sharpens the mind in the same way that exercise tones the body—a radical concept, as scientists have long believed that connections among the brain’s nerve cells become fixed in childhood. Can meditation lead to better sex? In her book
Sex for One
, Betty Dodson describes taking her daily 40-minute meditation to a new level by chanting her mantra while touching herself with a vibrator. She calls her sessions, which conclude with orgasm, transcendental masturbation. Researchers at Rutgers University who monitored Dodson’s brain while she meditated in a lab found that she entered a daydream-like state during her extended masturbation and a deeper, trancelike state just before she came.

Bad language

While reading the Advisor’s responses to a few questions about sex, I was surprised at your use of the word
fuck
, which degrades the writers’ sexuality and makes you appear cheap. It seems that you don’t know the difference between having sex and fucking.—G.R., Tempe, Arizona

Sure we do. You fuck when you’re sweaty; you have sex after a shower. You fuck in a cheap motel room; you have sex in a master bedroom. You fuck on a hardwood floor; you have sex on carpeting. You fuck on a swing set; you have sex on a porch. You fuck in the woods; you have sex on the beach. Or vice versa on any of those, depending on your mood. The difference between fucking and having sex is between your ears, and everyone’s love life should have a little of both.

All-natural sex

Is there such a thing as a natural-born lover?—T.S., Lufkin, Texas

Everyone fumbles at first. But some people get a head start because they have parents or a school that provides realistic sex education, and they masturbate, which teaches them how and where they like to be touched before anyone else does the touching. They also read and watch erotica for ideas, never run out of lube, aren’t afraid of fantasies and understand that good lovin’—like any skill—takes practice.

What’s your move?

On an episode of
Seinfeld
, Jerry refers to “the move,” a sexual technique that he uses to bring unspeakable pleasure to his partner. What do you think the move is?—M.W., Maryville, Tennessee

If it works, it’s the move. If it doesn’t, it’s the move over.

How do lesbians have sex?

My girlfriend and I are fascinated by the idea of two women together. We’ve speculated on how lesbians achieve mutual sexual satisfaction, and we thought the Advisor could fill us in. What are the most common lesbian sexual activities?—F.G., Beloit, Wisconsin

What makes you think we’re experts on lesbians? We’re experts on porn lesbians—the kind who have sex with each other only until the guy arrives. Felice Newman, author of
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
, confirms the obvious here, that lesbians are like anyone else: They love sex in all its varieties, with the exception of the variety that involves a man. Lesbians kiss, lick, caress, rub against each other, play with each other’s breasts, penetrate with fingers, fists or sex toys. Susie Bright has written that the nicest thing she ever said to a man was, “You use your hands like a dyke.” The gay woman and straight man who compiled
Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men
note that foreplay as preparation for intercourse is a foreign concept to most lesbians—it’s all play. There’s a lesson in that: The next time you want to make an impression in bed, stretch your fingers, soften your touch, take your time and pretend you’re a lesbian. That shouldn’t be too hard—you’re already attracted to women.

Making dirty movies

My boyfriend and I have been living together for seven months. A few weeks ago I found a tape of him and his ex having sex. I watched a few minutes of it out of curiosity. Three weeks later I decided I wanted to tape us having sex. During the session he kept saying things either to me or the camera that he had said in the tape with his ex. In some instances they were verbatim. Should I be offended, or should I assume he says these things when there’s a camera on regardless of whom he’s with?—L.A., Orlando, Florida

We prefer fantasies for which we’ve seen the script and have a speaking part. If you tape again and he spouts the same lines, you’ll need to step in with creative suggestions.

Sensualist vs. sexualist

I just started dating a guy, and he’s already driving me crazy. He’s into setting the mood whenever we have sex: candles, incense, music, the works. Sometimes I want to be ravaged, or ravage him, but if I start grabbing at his clothes or kissing him hard to get things going, he says, “Hold that thought,” and scurries around to get things just right. Most guys I’ve dated have no interest in any of this stuff—they’re ready to go whenever. Should I be concerned?—R.T., Duluth, Minnesota

Your boyfriend sounds like what one of our favorite cultural observers, Lisa Carver, would call a sensualist. You, on the other hand, are a sexualist. “Sexualists are into sex,” explains Carver, who edits a fanzine called
Rollerderby
. “Sensualists are into eroticism—things that aren’t sex but that involve the thought of sex. Sensualists are romantics; they like to set the mood. Sexualists aren’t waiting around for someone to light some damn candles.” Foot fetishists are sensualists, as is anyone who experiments with tantric sex, writes erotic e-mail or fusses over dimming the lights. Henry Miller and Marilyn Monroe were sensualists; Jack Nicholson and Xena the Warrior Princess are sexualists. Like you, Carver is a sexualist. “I had sex with a sensualist once. He hung his hair around my face like a tent, cutting off all light, and said, ‘How does that look and feel?’ I realized he was waiting for me to compliment him on his eroticism, and until I did, he was withholding his thrusts. So I lied and said, ‘That’s so cool.’” The issue isn’t your different approaches to sex, but the lack of variety. Unless your new boyfriend is willing to set aside his sensualism once in a while and let you take charge, this relationship may be a challenge.