Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (32 page)

Searching for work

What is the best way to prepare for a job search?—S.D., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Have you checked your references? Many people are surprised to learn that past supervisors and co-workers aren’t saying the nicest things about them. Job hunters typically become suspicious only after a few interviews go well but don’t lead to offers. Companies such as Allison & Taylor (allisontaylor.com or 248-651-9299) will call your references, offer a vague explanation about doing an employment verification and make sure you aren’t being dissed. The standard fee is $79 a reference. Heidi Allison says that although employers tell managers to provide only basic data—especially about an employee who was fired—many yak away. Even those who are relatively discreet may still make damning comments, such as “Let me get the legal file to see what I’m allowed to say” or, when asked to rate a skill, “Can I give a negative number?” Other screeners
echo Allison’s advice to job hunters, which is never to omit a job from your résumé nor any of your past bosses from your list of references. Instead address trouble spots in the interview by saying such things as “He’s not my best reference because we had some disagreements.” That’s one reason not to list references on your résumé; you’ll have a better chance of making a good first impression before any calls are made. The latest trend among employers is to phone an applicant’s ex-assistants. Says Allison, “They check under you instead of over.”

When a job application asks if I’ve ever been convicted of a crime, I check no. But the truth is that when I was 18 I got arrested for shoplifting $7 worth of stuff. Two years later I was charged with disorderly conduct. (My buddies and I got drunk and yelled at the cop.) These things happened 16 and 18 years ago, and I chalk them up to being a dumb, rowdy college kid in West Virginia. I paid the fines and cleaned up my act. I now have a great career. I hate being untruthful, but I think answering yes on an application would count against me. Will a background check bring my transgressions to light? Is there a way to clean up my record?—W.K., Cleveland, Ohio

Our instinct would also be to check no, but the human resources people we asked all said that’s a bad move. A few suggested that you qualify your response on applications by writing “college pranks.” The risk in answering no is that if a background check does uncover the crimes, a potential employer may wonder what other secrets you keep. It’s unlikely that 20-year-old indiscretions will be a factor, especially if you’ve had a clean record and an impressive work history since. But don’t spend any more time worrying about this without doing an investigation of your own. Contact the state police to request a copy of your criminal record. With any luck the incidents fell through the cracks. If not, you can petition a judge in the county where you were charged to have the infractions expunged. It’s been done many times before.

Are people born lucky?

Are some people born lucky or does it just seem that way?—R.G., Dayton, Ohio

You have to wonder, especially when we read about someone winning the lotto twice, or dating successive Playmates. We’ve always suspected that luck is a combination of attitude and perception, and psychologist Richard Wiseman backs us up. In
The Luck Factor
, he describes a 10-year study he conducted with 400 volunteers who considered themselves lucky or unlucky. His subjects kept
diaries, took personality tests and submitted to interviews. Wiseman concluded that those who thought themselves lucky were more skilled at noticing chance opportunities, making decisions based on intuition, creating self-fulfilling positive prophecies and adopting a resilient attitude. “Personality tests revealed that the unlucky are generally more tense and anxious,” Wiseman explains. “That mind-set disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected.” Many lucky subjects went to great lengths to introduce variety into their lives, which increased their chance encounters. They also tended to react to misfortune by thinking, I’m lucky it wasn’t worse. By having the unfortunate adopt the habits of the fortunate, Wiseman found that they began reporting more lucky breaks.

Lump sum, or annual?

A few of us at work have talked about pooling our money to buy lottery tickets, but we can’t agree on how we would take the winnings. Let’s say that we win $20 million. Should we take a lump sum or annual payments over 20 years?—W.G., Cortland, Ohio

Lump sum, always. You’ll make more investing the smaller cash-out than waiting for the full amount over 20 years. Assume you beat the odds—the equivalent of flipping a coin and having it come up heads 24 times in a row. First, you should have a partnership agreement and a federal tax ID number in place to avoid headaches splitting the pot. Almost half of your jackpot will be consumed by state and federal taxes. Choosing the lump sum will knock it down further, to about $6 million. Don’t do anything brash such as quitting your job or buying a new house until you’ve hired a tax advisor and an investment counselor. Then take 10 percent of your share and blow it.

Cussing in Deadwood

I’m sure there was plenty of cussing in the 1870s but perhaps not as much as one hears on HBO’s
Deadwood
. Did people living on the frontier really use words such as
fuck
,
cunt
,
cocksucker
and
motherfucker
?—B.G., Sparks, Nevada

Linguists who study the 19th century are forced to rely on printed evidence, so it’s hard to say definitively which swear words beyond
goddamn
and
damn
were used in Deadwood in July 1876. The show’s creator says the crude dialogue is based on the fact that visitors who returned from the camp reported being shocked by the language. Simple blasphemies wouldn’t jar the modern viewer, so creative license is probably in play to evoke the same sense of danger and lawlessness. Jesse
Sheidlower, the American editor of the
Oxford English Dictionary
and author of a dictionary devoted to the F word, says prostitutes and their customers probably used
fuck
in its literal sense and also may have referred to the vagina as a
cunt
. While residents of Deadwood conceivably could have said
cocksucker
(which dates at least to the Civil War), linguists say it’s extremely unlikely to have rolled off the tongue as it does on the show.
Motherfucker
didn’t appear in print until the 1910s.

Yiddish for vulva

A Jewish friend was reciting all the Yiddish words that he knows for penis:
schmuck
,
putz
,
shvantz
,
schlong
, etc. But he said there was no word in Yiddish for vulva. That’s hard to believe. Do you know one?—R.S., New York, New York

There’s no widely used word, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your point across. In an essay in
The Ecstatic Moment
, Albert Stern describes his quest for the word after his Gentile girlfriend asked about it. Stern spoke to elderly Jews who suggested slang such as
loch
,
pirgeh
,
shmoonke
,
shmushka
and
shtalt
. A professor of Yiddish offered
oysemoken
(“that place”),
dos vayberifher
(“the female part”) and
die mayse
(“the story”). Stern found these choices decidedly unerotic and vague, but what can you do? Barbara Kligman, editor of
Plotz
, reports that many of the women she grew up with referred to the vulva as a
knish
. Sounds delicious.

Exotic pets

I’ve had cats and dogs but want something cooler. Would a pig be a good choice?—C.F., Harleysville, Pennsylvania

Sure, if you like bacon. That’s a joke, of course, because we know the owners of potbellied pigs take their duties seriously. If you want a pig, make sure it’s okay by local ordinance and that you’re ready to commit for up to 15 years. Most potbellied pigs weigh 90 to 150 pounds and require room to roam and a wading pool. That’s one reason so many end up in shelters. If you want exotic, how about a tiger? That’s also a joke, although there are twice as many pet tigers (10,000 or more) in the U.S. as there are tigers living in the wild. The cubs are cute until they grow into 500-pound killing machines that require 10 to 20 pounds of horse meat or beef a day. People also attempt to domesticate cougars, lions, monkeys, bears, wolves and alligators, which is legal as long as the animals aren’t imported and you don’t live in one of 21 states with bans. If you’re looking for female companionship, a lapdog on
a leash has a magnetic effect on women. We’re not sure what reaction you’d get with a pig.

Charisma defined

What is charisma, and how do you cultivate it?—M.S., Raleigh, North Carolina

Charisma is the ability to make other people feel good about themselves. It requires equal measures of confidence and empathy. It also helps to have a good tailor.

Getting a roommate to move out

Why is it so hard to get someone to move out? A college friend moved in with me to help pay the mortgage, but he’s a slob and I need him gone. I can’t afford a lawyer, and I’m not sure what can be done short of throwing his stuff in the street and changing the locks. Any suggestions?—K.L., San Jose, California

You may have no choice but to go to court. Local laws vary, but in your county and others you must first give your roommate a written 30-day notice. The next step is to ask the judge for an “unlawful detainer action.” The sheriff will deliver this document, then remove your roommate and his stuff. Don’t do anything drastic, such as changing the locks, pitching his belongings or moving out and shutting off the utilities. That will put you on the defensive and only delay the proceedings. This is true even if the person is related to you. Many people assume that a long-term guest has no right to stay if there’s no lease, but that’s not how the law sees it.

Making a citizen’s arrest

How does a person make a citizen’s arrest?—H.N., Washington, D.C.

Rarely is it necessary to detain someone, which can be risky and lead to a lawsuit if you don’t have your facts straight. Instead, the typical arrest involves calling the police, giving a statement and signing a complaint. The police must agree that a crime has taken place, which is why arresting a politician for voting to invade Iraq or a police officer for speeding usually won’t get you far. (In 2004 at San Francisco City Hall a citizen attempted to arrest a volunteer conducting gay civil unions but couldn’t find a cop who would help.) You can make a citizen’s arrest in every state and D.C. if you suspect that a felony has taken place. A few states, notably California, allow citizen’s arrests for misdemeanors if you witness the infraction. That’s in part why the LAPD processes more than 6,000 citizen’s arrests
annually, while D.C. seldom has one. Police say they appreciate citizens getting involved but find that some get a little too involved. For example, a motorist in Wisconsin pulled a gun and handcuffed another driver for playing his music too loud and squealing his tires. In Oklahoma, a homeowner chased a 19-year-old he saw throwing bottles from a pickup, set up a roadblock, ran the truck off the road, broke a window to grab the kid, applied cuffs and called police. Once in a while you read about the real deal, such as the Norfolk, Virginia mechanic who witnessed a hit-and-run that killed a teenage boy. He chased and detained the driver.

Hanging out in international waters

How far out does a person have to sail to avoid U.S. laws against marijuana, gambling, prostitution and underage drinking?—R.R., Miami, Florida

Planning a big weekend? Technically, you can’t sail far enough. That’s because, while there are international waters, there are no international boats. Each vessel is under the jurisdiction of the country with which it’s registered, regardless of its location. The U.S. Coast Guard can board American vessels anywhere in the world if it suspects lawbreaking, and it can do so without a warrant. If you claim your ship flies no flag, the Coast Guard can still board—control of a stateless vessel is assumed by whichever nation stops it. Practically, of course, you stand less chance of being caught if you sail beyond the more heavily patrolled U.S. Customs zone, which ends 24 miles out. The ocean is a big place.

Avoiding jet lag

I will be traveling to Honolulu via Los Angeles, an 18-hour trip. What can I do to arrive in the best possible shape?—C.B., Amsterdam, Netherlands

You’re facing serious jet lag. Studies have found that it takes about a day per time zone you cross to recuperate, but you can do it faster with preparation. Beginning two days before you travel, add more water and protein to your diet. Eliminate fatty foods. Continue this regimen during the flight, and avoid alcohol, caffeine and sleeping or motion sickness pills. Wear loose clothing and stretch and walk around periodically. Take a sleep mask, but doze only when the cabin lights dim and the movie has finished. When you arrive, take a two-hour nap. Shower, then set your watch to local time. If it’s morning or noon, have a high-protein breakfast or lunch. Order a high-carb dinner to help you sleep. Retire at a reasonable hour and set your alarm to rise early.