Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (28 page)

Picky, picky

One afternoon I noticed my wife picking her nose as she read a book. I can’t explain why, but I got an instant erection. I let her in on my turn-on, and now she picks her nose on purpose. Have you ever heard of this?—T.P., Westlake, Ohio

Nose picking is a social taboo, so it’s not surprising that it would turn you on when a woman shows her nasty side. For wank material see snotgirls.com, where nude models “poke their brains” and “dig for gold.” Hard yet? You know your fetish has reached critical mass when someone creates a website about it—a pay site, no less—although in some cases critical mass may involve as few as two guys (one to post material and one to find it). We’re still searching for the “girls aroused by good advice” home page.

Flex appeal

I am overwhelmed by the urge to get toned, beautiful women to flex for me. I’ve asked for a flex twice, and both women said no. Now I just compliment women on their physiques and get my kicks that way. My obsession with getting a flex is interfering with my ability to socialize. What should I do?—J.R., Des Moines, Iowa

We love breasts, but that doesn’t mean we ask every attractive woman we meet to lift her shirt. In the same way, you can’t just ask for a flex. Besides, do you really want to date a woman who flashes her biceps for every guy who asks? It’s more fun when she, like a 15-pound weight, offers a little resistance. Save the flex for sex. After you’ve become intimate your partner will be more likely to show off, especially when she sees the effect it has on you.

Seeing eye to knee

I consider myself a lucky little man. I’m small enough (five-foot-five) and light enough (138 pounds) to have kinky fun with my six-foot girlfriend. If I fall asleep on the couch, she’ll carry me to bed. If I can’t reach something at the supermarket, she’ll lift me from under my arms. She does this at home so often that I’ve put away our step stool. Is there a name for this?—A.F., Salisbury, Maryland

Dependence? There’s no particular name for this—you just have a thing for tall, strong, dominant women known in the fetish community as amazons. (For the record, your preference needs to be distinguished from men who fantasize about giantesses, pretend they’re infants, lust after female wrestlers or chase female bodybuilders.) Amazons are appealing to the smaller man because, as one discussion board puts it, they can be either your “ultimate fantasy or worst nightmare.” The eroticism lies in that dichotomy. You two should open a painting business.

THE MARRIED LIFE

Living with your choice.

How often do couples have sex?

What is the average number of times per week or month that a couple who has been married three years and who are 54 and 46 years old have sex? Everyone my wife asked said it was once a month. The two people I talked to guessed it was more like once a week.—P.C., Colorado Springs, Colorado

Your friends are right, or at least they’re average. A survey of nearly 10,000 Americans found that most adults have sex 58 times a year, or once a week plus three holidays, two birthdays and National Sex Day (it’s today). Married people have more sex than single people, and younger have more than older. Frequency remains steady through the mid-30s, then drops 20 percent before the age of 44, an additional 25 percent before the age of 54, another 25 percent before the age of 64. A survey of 65,000 male and 15,000 female
Playboy
readers found that most reported discontent when frequency fell below weekly. According to the survey mentioned earlier, only five percent of American adults have sex more than three times a week. It also found that 42 percent of adults engage in about 85 percent of the sex and concluded that the more sex a person has, the more likely he or she will report having a happy life and a happy marriage. They needed to interview 10,000 people to figure that out?

He doesn’t get the laundry done

My wife stays at home with our three young children while I work 50 hours a week to pay the bills. I don’t want to sound like a caveman, but I think stay-at-home wives have less trouble these days. Microwaves and dishwashers make it much easier to do housework, while VCRs keep the children occupied (two of our kids go to school part-time). My wife is tanned and in shape, and I am glad her lifestyle allows her to keep herself hot. I have trouble finding more than one or two days a week for a workout. She gets angry when I complain about not having clean laundry or the house not being picked up. My chores consist of lawn work and special projects. I feel I spend more time handling responsibilities than she does, and I usually take the two older kids when I get home. I don’t want my wife to work, I just want her to run the house a little better. Am I the only one who feels this way? Do I have a legitimate gripe?—S.R., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

If your wife looks that great after three kids, and she’s not complaining, we wouldn’t get too worked up about the laundry. Save that energy for the bedroom.

The thing with the ring

I wore my wedding ring for a few weeks after the ceremony but then stopped. When my wife asked me why I put it on only for family events (to avoid a confrontation with my mother-in-law, although I’ve stopped doing even that), I told her the truth: I have never worn jewelry, not even a watch, so I find the ring distracting and uncomfortable. I also found that it snagged on everything, and whenever I washed my hands the design would catch all the soap. We have a truce now (if you call not bringing it up a truce), so my only question is, Why does a wife consider it such a big deal if her husband doesn’t wear a ring?—J.N., Seattle, Washington

Your wife is disappointed, as most women would be, because the wedding band is a recognized and powerful symbol that you showed up for the ceremony. Practically, she knows the ring doesn’t mean a thing if you’re having a fling. But she also wonders if you don’t mind that people don’t know you’re married or, more specifically, that she exists. We’re sure that isn’t the case—when a cute woman flirts with you, you eventually mention your wife, right? You’ve already made many small sacrifices for your marriage; this is another one. In the spirit of compromise, visit a jeweler. If you get a band that looks good and fits well, you may find it enjoyable to wear. And you’ll save single women some time at parties.

Your solution doesn’t sound like much of a compromise. When my wife and I got engaged, I let her know that I don’t wear jewelry. She insisted only that I wear one for the ceremony. Maybe I just have a cool wife, or maybe that reader’s wife needs to unwind a little.—S.T., Austin, Texas

The reader should buy a chain and put his band on it, à la Frodo in
Lord of the Rings
. For symbolic reasons, it should not have a clasp. He should also tell his wife, “It’s closer to my heart this way.” It worked for me. I was surprised at how little the chain distracted me after a few days.—T.S., Dayton, Ohio

Why not call the situation what it is? The reader’s wife, like most wives (and husbands), wants to mark her territory. It may not be the prettiest side of human nature, but it is what it is.—E.Q., Grand Rapids, Michigan

My husband has never worn his ring. He is an electrician, and we both feel it’s safer that he doesn’t. If the reader’s wife is so uncomfortable with his not wearing a band, maybe he could get a ring tattoo.—A.G., Wakefield, Massachusetts

Daddy factory

About a year ago my wife started using unlubricated condoms with no spermicide when we had sex on Saturday mornings. After sex, she would leave in a hurry, saying that she had to go somewhere. After several months I asked her what she was doing. She paraded three women through the house in various stages of pregnancy and said she was helping them start families. Her idea was that she could be like a loving aunt or sister to the children. I would have been happy to help these women personally, but my wife said that would have been adultery. Since my wife donated my sperm, will I have to pay child support if one of these women goes to court? Is this something that’s common—women helping other women start families through their husbands?—W.C., Little Rock, Arkansas

We suspect your letter is an attempt at humor, but there’s a lesson in it. If a child is created by deceit using your sperm—even if you weren’t an active participant in the insemination—a judge will still make you pay. We’ve never heard of an exception, regardless of the circumstances. Perhaps you should sell your story to the tabloids to finance your expanding family.

Anger management

My wife and I often argue by e-mail. I think it’s better because you have time to think before you speak. Plus when we see each other again, the issue has been resolved. What do you think?—B.R., Riverside, California

We like it, as long as you aren’t typing with your caps lock on. But it does limit the effectiveness of our favorite defense, which is “I never said that.” What’s important, however, may not be the medium but your approach. Psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington has studied more than 600 married couples and how they fight. He divides couples who stay together into three types:
avoiders, who agree not to discuss their disagreements; attackers, who bicker about seemingly everything; and soothers, who choose their battles, listen respectfully and respond with gentle persuasion. According to Gottman, most marriages have trouble only when spouses have conflicting styles. For example, soothers overwhelm avoiders, and soothers and attackers reach a standstill. The worst combination is avoider and attacker. Gottman also found that among couples who stay together, the positive remarks they make to each other, during fights or otherwise, outnumber their negative comments by at least a five-to-one margin. E-mail certainly makes that easier to tally.

Is my wife a hooker?

From time to time, my girlfriend and I enjoy role-playing in bed. My favorite fantasy is to pretend she’s a hooker, give her money and demand she do anything I want. The problem is that she keeps the money ($20 to $30, depending on the tip). Does that make her a prostitute?—T.G., LaCrosse, Wisconsin

She’s not a prostitute unless she has other clients. You tip her?

Mercy fucks

Last month you ran a letter from a fellow who complained about his wife and their sex life. He asked, she gave, and that upset him. My wife and I are in our 60s, and she used to be like that. If I didn’t ask, it didn’t happen. I pointed this out, and she replied that she is no longer interested in sex. She said, “If you can find someone else to do it with, I don’t think it would bother me much.” I told her she was nuts, that it would destroy our relationship. Here was our solution: After I read the newspaper on Sunday mornings, I take a bath. When I’m finished, she takes a bath. Afterward, she walks silently past me on the way to the bedroom, I follow her and we have sex. I never ask, she never offers. We call it Pavlov’s Poke. Sometimes if you don’t ask, you shall receive.—R.T., Seattle, Washington

That sounds like some hot sex. Does your wife keep an egg timer on the nightstand? You have important issues to discuss outside the bedroom. Start by reading
Passionate Marriage
, by sex therapist David Schnarch. In it, he describes the risks of the mercy fuck (definition: “You let your partner climb on top of you to get him off your back”): “People who accept mercy fucks can rationalize that it’s better than no sex at all, but is it? If you accept mercy fucks ‘until the good stuff comes along,’ it never does and it never will. Your partner knows you’ll settle for lousy sex, so
there’s no reason to deal with the problems blocking better sex.” Let Pavlov’s dogs run free! First, your wife’s lack of desire may be caused by a medical problem that can be addressed by a physician. Many women lose interest in sex after menopause. Your wife may not be able to reach orgasm easily, or she may not generate sufficient lubrication. As in men, circulatory problems could be a factor, or hormonal changes may play a role—your wife should ask her gynecologist to check her testosterone and thyroid levels (preferably early in the morning). She also could be clinically depressed, one symptom of which is low sex drive. Once any medical problems have been addressed, consider visiting a sex therapist together. As the man who loves this woman above all others, make it your goal to encourage her desire. You may be comfortable with a weekly mercy fuck, but you’re both missing out on the sex life you deserve.