Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (30 page)

My husband isn’t much fun

My husband is a hardworking guy who provides for his family and so on, but when it comes to fun and romance he’s at a loss. He’s 30 years old but acts as though he’s 50. He works all the time and stresses about the house, bills, money and everyone else’s problems. How can I help him lighten up, enjoy his family and live life while he’s young (and still has a wife)? I’ve begun to do almost everything without him.—C.S., Portland, Oregon

You need to tell your husband that his work habits are not working for you. We can anticipate his response: As do most workaholics, he sees his family’s pleas for affection and attention not as a sign that he is loved and needed but as an intrusion or an interruption. Many men struggle with this. They feel immense pressure to provide, which can make them crabby and distant. They prefer the controlled environment of work to the chaos of a home with children. Changing these habits is difficult. Usually it requires a close friend to lead by example. That’s what happened to literary agent Jonathon Lazear, who wrote a book about his experience,
The Man Who Mistook His Job for a Life
. He told us, “Too many men abandon their families, and for what? Is there a financial crisis? Most likely no. They’re probably doing as their father did. Men need to remember that they’re less productive when they overwork; they make mistakes. A wife may have to say, ‘We’re out of here unless you examine what you want. You can find a balance—and we’ll help you.’” With any luck your husband won’t join the legions of men who realize only later what they missed, especially in the lives of their children.

Wife says it’s not true

In the beginning of our relationship, my wife readily told me stories of her sexual past. I felt obligated to share my own experiences. It made me feel good to be honest with the woman I love. But my wife now says she made up most of her stories. I have asked for the truth, but she says it’s none of my business. I believe she made it my business by listening to my confessions. What do you think?—M.M., Franklin, Minnesota

What else has she lied about?

I like waiting on my man

I do everything for my man. I clean the house, prepare his clothes for work and have a meal on the table when he gets home for lunch and supper. Since the day we married he has never made his own meal or opened his own can of beer. He brags to everyone about our relationship. I love pleasing him. He works long hours almost every day to provide me with everything I need. The problem is that everyone tells me this is a bad relationship. They say he is too controlling and that I should leave. But I have always felt that a real woman takes care of her man. Am I wrong? He’s happy, I’m happy, so what’s the problem? How do I get people to stop judging our relationship?—J.H., Columbus, Ohio

Your husband needs to open his own beer. Also, people should mind their own fucking business.

Going back for more

My husband and I enjoy going to strip clubs. During our last visit he had too much to drink but wanted to drive us home. I grabbed the car keys, but he refused to get in. Exasperated, I told him to call a cab and left. We worked it out the next morning, but he also revealed that he had gone back inside the club and ordered a lap dance. He says he didn’t think I would be mad about this, but I feel that if your pissed-off wife leaves you at a strip club, it’s not the best time to pay for pussy in your face. Am I out of line?—S.D., Dallas, Texas

What better time? You were already mad at him. Actually we’re smarter than that. Your husband’s decision demonstrates how seriously his judgment was impaired, which proves your point that he shouldn’t have been driving. A smart man would acknowledge this, grovel appropriately and count his many blessings, including a wife who gets upset when he goes to strip clubs without her.

I’m sleeping with my mother-in-law

For the past five months I have been having an affair with my wife’s mother. She’s 56 and has a great body. The affair began when she stayed with us while looking for a house. My wife works the night shift as a nurse, and I was home watching TV when my mother-in-law came out of the bedroom wearing a robe and smoking a joint! She sat down, offered me a hit and told me she hadn’t had sex in three years (since my wife’s father died). I told her she was high and should go back to bed, but she slid closer and started kissing me. We ended up in the bedroom and made love four times before I fell asleep. Then I had sex with my wife the next morning. (It wasn’t easy, but I managed.) Two weeks ago my mother-in-law moved into her new house, and now we screw there. My wife thinks that I get along so well with her mother, but she wonders why I go to see her every night. I tell her it’s to move furniture, but that won’t work forever. I still love my wife, but the sex is too good with her mother. What should I do?—S.M., Orlando, Florida

Come clean with your wife, after which you will have her mother all to yourself.

Here’s an update. I left my wife after I told her what I was doing. She hasn’t spoken to her mother since. In the past few weeks my mother-in-law has worn garters, teddies, stockings and high heels for me. We also use plenty of whipped cream and honey. Magic Shell—that stuff you put on ice cream—works great too. She told me to quit my job and said she would take care of me. All she has asked is that I not fool around. The relationship has its drawbacks, though. While we were out dancing one night, a couple said, “Oh, how nice. A son out with his mother.” But what do they know? I have never been happier. I don’t know how long this relationship will last, but while it does I love my mother-in-law with all my heart.—S.M., Orlando, Florida

MASTURBATION

Love the one you’re with.

The walls have ears

An attractive woman lives down the hall from me in my apartment building. We’ve exchanged small talk, but that’s it. I often fantasize about her while masturbating. A few weeks ago the couple who live next door to me invited the woman to a barbecue. They asked her to bring me along. Puzzled, she asked why. The couple said they could hear us on some nights and assumed we were dating. When she told them we weren’t, it dawned on all of them that what they had been hearing was my moaning this woman’s name. A few days ago my neighbor—nice guy that he is—told me everything. I was speechless. He said the woman had seemed amused. I had wanted to ask her out, but now that seems comical. What should I do?—J.W., San Diego, California

The next time you beat off, put the other sock in your mouth. The only way to find out if the object of your affection was horrified, mildly amused or totally turned on is to ask her out for coffee. You’ll have your answer in a nanosecond. For the record, the women in our office—an open-minded group, to be sure—universally agreed that this revelation would creep them out. If you can score in this situation, no woman will ever again seem like a challenge. You may have the balls to fess up, but a better strategy might be misdirection. That is, say hello, apologize for not introducing yourself earlier, ask her name as if you didn’t know it, then lie: “That’s funny. My ex has the same name.” She may not believe you, but it could plant a reasonable doubt, and that’s all you need for acquittal.

Uncharted waters

Last month my girlfriend dared me to act out a sexual fantasy, so I masturbated in her roommate’s bedroom. Now she wants me to do it again. It’s a little twisted and exciting, but I don’t want to risk being caught. Should I just forget it?—R.G., Olympia, Washington

You completed the dare. Now it’s time to challenge your girlfriend. Whatever you decide she should do, videotape it. Her double dare will be to leave the tape on top of the VCR over a weekend.

Keeping it real

Can you suggest new ways to masturbate? Getting laid is preferable, of course, but not everyone is so fortunate.—M.H., Sydney, Australia

As you’ve discovered, nobody ever got lucky thinking of new ways to beat off. If you promise to get off your butt, we’ll share a resource you won’t forget—Jackinworld.com, a compendium of advanced techniques, each rated with one to four palms. A visitor favorite is the Vagina: “Lie on your side and hold on to your penis with a backhand grip. Roll over farther and brace your hand against the bed, and thrust your penis in and out of your hand. It’s a different feeling to masturbate by moving your pelvis rather than your hand. It’s also fun to put your other hand down and feel your scrotum moving back and forth as you pump in and out.” Another hit is the Rosy Palm: “With lubrication, rub the tip of your penis head against the palm of your other hand. The orgasm will be very powerful.” The site is fun but also serves important purposes: Conditioning yourself to get off only in a certain way can be a problem when you’re with a partner. Variety is also useful in learning to control your arousal. Finally, if you don’t know how you like to be touched, it’s difficult to tell someone else how to do it.

Try toothpaste lather for the same cool, tingly sensation you feel when brushing your teeth.—A.C., Grinnell, Iowa

By what process did you discover this?

I prefer bananabation. I wrap masking tape around a banana three quarters of the way up. Then I roll it between my palms to soften it. I cut the end off below the tape, squeeze the insides out and eat them. When it’s all empty I have the next best thing to pussy. I lube my erection and then microwave the banana sheath for 23 seconds. I find it adds some excitement between dates. Have you ever heard of this? Is it dangerous?—P.P., Chicago, Illinois

It’s dangerous in the monkey house.

Once you have an erection, spread the head to open the urethra. Push down on the hole with the index finger of your other hand. Repeat 170 times, then keep your finger over the hole as you slowly stroke your penis. As you reach climax the shaft will fill up with sperm, and the air inside will cause a pressure buildup. The stream of semen that erupts is incredible.—J.A., Los Angeles, California

Because we care about your well-being, we’ll warn you of the remote chance that your technique could lead to an embolism. Then we’ll get out of the way.

Desperate husbands

Last evening when I came home from work, I caught my husband in the bathroom trying to pull up his pants. I asked him if he had been taking a shower. He said no. While I was in the bathroom preparing for bed I heard him fiddling with the VCR. I can’t prove it, but I think my husband was jerking off to an adult movie. Why do men do this? I don’t have a problem with my husband’s satisfying himself, but why does he have to sneak around? It’s especially troubling because he’s in the mood for sex only about once a week.—S.B., Fort Wayne, Indiana

Blow your husband every day for a week and see how often he masturbates. Your husband beats off for the same reason he did before you were married—it feels good and it doesn’t require permission. He masturbates in private because he’s always done it in private; by definition, it’s a solitary act. If you’re there while he masturbates, it’s sex, and he’s not always in the mood to negotiate that. For her
Book of the Penis
, Maggie Paley asked numerous men about why they masturbate. One guy noted that women’s magazines often print letters from readers who have discovered that their husbands beat off and are now asking themselves, Am I not satisfying him? His response: “There isn’t one person on earth who can satisfy any man. Men masturbate always. It’s not a reflection on his relationship with his wife. He’s shaving and suddenly he thinks, I’ll jerk off. And he does.” Your husband’s masturbation would be less of a problem if you got laid more often. That’s where to start the discussion.

You worked hard to justify the guy’s behavior, but not only was your response insufficient, it was inconsistent with what you wrote back in 1994. Then, you advised a female reader to leave her masturbating man. A masturbating husband is not a big deal as long as he satisfies his wife. Those of us who enjoy sex find it to be a personal insult—he’s choosing his hand over us. When a man reaches orgasm by masturbating, he has chosen another “partner.” In my book, that makes masturbation cheating. A man may do it because it doesn’t require negotiation, but I assure you that if a woman masturbates it is because she is not being satisfied. If your wife is begging for sex and you’re jerking off in the bathroom, something is wrong. Don’t take her for granted. She may not be around someday, and then your only choice will be your hand.—M.S., Atlanta, Georgia