Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (27 page)

Your ex is lucky she had you. You’ll enjoy this story: A resident of Hamburg called the police after hearing gunshots, followed by moaning. Turns out a guy was shooting at his girlfriend to fulfill her cops-and-robbers fantasy. He practiced safe sex by using blanks.

Sit on my face, please

I’ve been blessed, or cursed, with an odd fetish. I love to have girls sit on my face and cut off my oxygen supply. I haven’t figured out a good way to bring it up in conversation. Most of the time I just out and say it; other times I drop hints. Most women get squeamish when the topic comes up. How do I arrange this pleasure? I suppose I’m just one of those submissive, dominatrix-paying types and I’ll never be able to enjoy this with someone I love.—J.S., Albuquerque, New Mexico

If you’re a submissive, we can understand why queening turns you on. Controlling a person’s breathing is as close as it gets to controlling his life, and when a person panics from lack of oxygen, the body responds with a surge of adrenaline. But there’s another problem besides potential brain damage. If you can’t get excited except when a woman suffocates you, she isn’t going to find the sex that interesting.

Double fisting

In an interview, porn star Brittany Andrews was asked whether her job had introduced her to anything she hadn’t tried before. She answered, “Double fisting.” I assume she meant having two fists inserted into her vagina (or anus?) at the same time. Is that safe? Is it widely practiced?—J.C., Minneapolis, Minnesota

Widely is the only way it’s practiced. A vagina can expand enough to accommodate a newborn, so a fist, or even two, is possible if a woman is sufficiently wet and relaxed. A supply of lube and latex gloves is essential. The practice is common enough that at least one sex manual—
A Hand in the Bush
—is devoted to the topic. Its author, Deborah Addington, suggests taking it slow (no kidding) and adding lube each time you insert a finger. When you’ve worked up to four fingers and a thumb (palm up), “add more lube. When you have a big, slippery mess and you’re sure that you’ve used more than enough, add more. If she still feels tight, gently open and close your fingers as if you were making a hand puppet talk. Remind her to relax her vaginal, sphincter and PC muscles. When you’re both ready, ease the bridge of your hand through and marvel as it’s consumed by her cunt. Once inside, clench and unclench your fist, like a beating heart. If you’ve ever wondered what an orgasm feels like from a woman’s perspective, fisting is a great way to find out.” Power to the pussy. We recommend getting the book for more details before attempting this maneuver. Anal fisting is more popular with gay men and has a higher risk of injury.

The letter about double fisting reminded me of a clip I saw on the Internet that shows a man putting his entire head into a woman’s vagina. Even if the clip was fake, could this actually be done?—S.S., Spokane, Washington

Most guys have had their heads inside a vagina once, but there’s no going back.

Going full circle

Last week I came home earlier than expected and found my husband of four months naked on the living room floor with the stereo blaring. He was too involved to notice I was in the room. My husband is no contortionist, nor is he well endowed, but he was adeptly licking and sucking the head of his penis. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and finally yelled at him to let him know he had an audience. He told me that he had been doing it since high school, that it isn’t abnormal and that most guys would do it if they were able. He swears that he has no homosexual tendencies. It seems kinky to me—and not necessarily in a good way. How common is this, and do I need to be as concerned as I am?—G.S., Columbus, Ohio

We assume you’re less concerned with the masturbation than with the method. Autofellatio is uncommon but doesn’t indicate anything except that your husband will always have a job in the porno circus. Alfred Kinsey found that two or three
males out of a thousand could suck their own penises, with many others acknowledging that they had come up short. Completing the circle is a habit among chimpanzees, rhesus monkeys and other primates, prompting Kinsey to observe, “In his psychic drive, the human animal is more mammalian than even his anatomy allows him to be.” We heard this month from a reader who said he had leaned over and licked his penis while his new girlfriend was giving him head. How’s that for a freak-out? You have a special guy there. Don’t let him roll away.

Touch me, feel me, heal me

My fiancée is studying to become a nurse. The other night when I got home from work she was in her naughty nurse outfit (a short white skirt, see-through blouse, garter, stockings, sexy panties). She took me to our bedroom and said, “It’s time to prep you for surgery.” She laid me on the bed and removed my clothes. After telling me to relax, she gave me an enema. As she did, she straddled me in the 69 position and gulped my cock and worked my balls with her free hand. I had the most intense orgasm of my life. I’d like to ask her to repeat what she did to me, but I’m afraid she’ll think I’m a pervert. What do you suggest?—S.D., Madison, Wisconsin

Your girlfriend already thinks you’re a pervert—that’s why she brought the enema. Find out when the naughty nurse is next available and make an appointment.

I was having sex with an escort, and she asked me to perform CPR on her. I asked if she was okay, and she said she was fine but that having a guy pump gently on her chest and give her mouth-to-mouth turned her on. Later she told me that six months earlier she had had a heart attack and been zapped back to life. Have you ever heard of anything like this?—A.A., Brooks, Alberta

Simulated CPR is part of a medical fetish that includes people—overwhelmingly guys—who like to listen to heartbeats or give fake injections (check out the site medicaltoys.com for a taste of the variety). Did you at least get a discount?

Aroused by loud shoes

I find it arousing to see or hear a woman walk in loud shoes. I also love to hear them tap-dance. Is this normal?—J.F., Houston, Texas

It’s uncommon. In his online history of foot sex, podiatrist Cameron Kippen of Curtin University in Australia references a case “in which a man reached orgasm
by following women whose shoes creaked (known as
acousticophilia
, or arousal from sound). It was thought the origins of the association related to an early experience having standing sex on a staircase—his partner’s shoes had creaked with each thrusting.” This may be impossible, but you need to find a woman who likes new shoes.

Snake eyes

My girlfriend wants a tattoo—two eyeballs, one for each butt cheek. I don’t want to look at that bullshit every time we’re doing it doggy style. What should I do?—B.Z. New York, New York

Pretend you’re getting a blow job. If she’s serious about this (which we doubt), keep her sober. If she goes through with it, stock up on crotchless panties.

He likes to watch her being watched

I get turned on when my wife is the object of other men’s desires. She is generous about engaging in this behavior. We visited a restaurant recently with the idea in mind. My wife got her order and sat down opposite a guy who began staring at her legs. Before she had a chance to make it a show, he dropped his napkin and looked up her skirt. My wife is reluctant to admit that this turns her on, but we always have great sex afterward. Does this fetish have a name? Do many couples engage in it?—M.W., Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

You’re both exhibitionists. Your wife enjoys showing off, and you get a vicarious thrill watching your wife show off. Most people flaunt it once in a while, but the fact that you plan these encounters puts you in a select group. The reaction of other men affirms to your wife that she’s desirable to strangers; it affirms to you that you’re with a desirable woman. Many couples play this game—for evidence, consider the numerous websites that post images of women furtively exposing themselves in public. The boyfriends and husbands who snap the shots are not aroused as much by the flash (as a voyeur would be) as they are by the imagined response of other men to the flash.

Is sucking toes dangerous?

Many women like to have their toes sucked. Does nail polish have anything in it that would be harmful to the sucker?—B.T., Chicago, Illinois

If you can suck the polish off a toenail, it’s too bad you’re not a woman.

You shouldn’t have blown off that toe sucker. Most brands of nail polish contain phthalates, a family of industrial chemicals commonly used in cosmetics to make them more flexible and durable. In animal studies phthalates have been found to wreak havoc on the reproductive, endocrine and immune systems. For men, an overload of phthalates may lead to atrophied testicles, low sperm count, overdeveloped breasts, immune deficiency and testicular cancer. One phthalate in particular tends to leech onto the skin every time the polish comes into contact with water or, presumably, saliva. Practice safe sucks by asking your partner to eschew polish or use phthalate-free ones such as those by Urban Decay or products in L’Oréal’s Jet Set line.—D.R., Salt Lake City, Utah

This is one reason we stick with cunnilingus. The cosmetics industry insists its products are safe. And you’d have to suck a ridiculous number of toes to duplicate the level of phthalate exposure in animal testing.

The ties that bind

Whenever I watch porn I play with my nipples. I sometimes attach binder clips to get them hard. Is there any risk to this?—J.T., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Besides not having anything to hold your documents together? There’s little danger unless you’re wearing the clips for hours at a time. The interesting thing about nipple clips is that they pinch when you put them on and ache while they’re there, but the real pain doesn’t come until you take them off and the blood rushes into the crushed flesh.

I’m a guy who also likes to stimulate my nipples, but I use the suction cups sold at nipplefunwear.com. I wait until my nipples fill 80 percent of the cups and then squeeze—the pleasure is exquisite. When the cups are removed I always have large, hard nipples.—B.B., Thousand Oaks, California

Thanks for the pointers.

My husband dresses like a woman

I started playing a dress-up game with my husband. He looks good, or as he says, “passable,” as a woman. He’s growing his hair long and has shaved his body hair. He’s starting to look more and more like the women in your magazine. Recently he volunteered to drive me to Chicago for a business trip. I was flabbergasted when he showed up at my job dressed as a woman. (He told my secretary he was my cousin.) On the way to Chicago he asked for a blow job—it was the first full erection I had seen him get in a while, so I complied. He wore women’s clothing around the city all weekend without any problem, and we had great sex. I think this game has gone to his head, and I’m trying to get him to stop before he gets too serious. Please help.—A.B., Cedar Rapids, Iowa

He’s already serious. Your husband has come out as a cross-dresser after what has probably been many years of hiding his behavior. The practice is more common than you’d think and widely misunderstood. Dr. William Stayton, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s Program in Human Sexuality Education, counsels cross-dressers and says most hesitate to tell their lovers because they fear it will end the relationship. In many cases, they’re right. Women who stay cope by accepting their partner’s female persona as a third wheel or friend. (One wife says she dishes to her new confidante about her husband.) Cross-dressers are usually not gay. They enjoy wearing women’s clothing for a number of reasons: It gives them an erotic charge, it provides a sense of well-being, it helps them relax. (“You can’t imagine how many politicians can’t give a speech in Congress without wearing panties,” Stayton has said.) Couples should establish boundaries. For instance, your husband went too far when he showed up unannounced at your office dressed as a woman. Or you may not feel comfortable making love when he’s in his female persona. Visit the Society for the Second Self at tri-ess.org to join an online support group for the wives and girlfriends of cross-dressers.

Nipping and sucking

My husband has been hinting that he would like me to get my nipples pierced. The problem is that just before we go to sleep each night he sucks on one of them, which is so relaxing it promptly puts us both to sleep. He sucks off and on all night. I’ve heard that pierced nipples take six to eight months to heal, so I’m afraid that going through with it will put an end to this time of closeness. What is your advice?—K.B., Windom, Minnesota

Unless there are complications, such as an infection, these types of piercings heal within six to eight weeks, during which time your husband could suck on your clit. If you’d like to have your nipples pierced (don’t do it for him), here’s a Solomonic solution: Start with the one farthest away from him. That is, if he sleeps on the right side of the bed, do your left nipple first. Once that nipple heals,
pierce the right and switch sides of the bed. That way hubby always has a nipple handy. The jewelry should be small so it doesn’t get in the way.