Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (24 page)

Dave, Chaz, Randy and Dennis broke out in a fit of uncontrollable giggling. Tim wondered if this was how Mordred felt that first night at the Chicken Hut.

Tim held his hand out, palm up, to Dave. “Hand it over.”

“Right on,” said Dave, passing the pipe.

Tim tapped what was left of the merrythistle onto the pavement and slipped the pipe into the inside pocket of his vest.

“Hey!” said Chaz.

“Not cool, man,” said Dave.

“Piece of cake,” said Katherine.

Tim turned around. Katherine was standing right behind him. It was unnerving how she could just sneak up on him like that.

“You got the room number?” asked Tim.

“Are you kidding? I
dominated
that bitch. 2803.” She put her hands on her hips. “What are you losers all just sitting around for? Let’s go get Mordred.”

Chapter 30

Stacy kept her eyes shut tight as she felt her way slowly up the staircase. She might not be able to see what was going on, but she could at least listen in. If the Horsemen were going to search down here for her, they’d be able to find her at the bottom of the staircase just as easily as they would at the top.

“Everybody just stay calm,” said Frank. “Spread out a bit, and keep your weapons visible but not drawn. Show solidarity, but no fear. Let me do the talking.”

Nobody argued with Frank. His people respected him. There followed a few minutes of tense silence. The voice that broke it sent a shiver through Stacy.

“Frank, it’s been too long.” It was the pale one. If Stacy ever slept again, she would have nightmares about his voice. When he spoke, it felt like he was licking her soul.

“Nathan,” said Frank in a very no-nonsense voice.

“You will address him as Death!” said the big one.

“Now now, Pestilence,” said Nathan, or Death, or whoever the hell he was. “We’re not here to fight or argue. We’re on a
rescue
mission.”

“You’re not supposed to come within a mile of this place,” said Frank. “Mordred gave us his word.”

“We are here on Mordred’s behalf,” said Nathan. “We believe you have something of his, and we are simply here to get it back.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Frank. “We have nothing of his.”

“Let’s not play games, Frank. We know the girl is here. War saw her here with a Scrying spell.”

“That’s right!” said War, his words still a little slurred. “And I want my Rod of Lordly Might!”

“War, please,” said Nathan. “What’ll it be, Frank? You’ve done such a nice job rebuilding this place. It would be a pity to have to tear down each wall until we find her.”

“There was a girl here,” said Frank. “But she left, and she didn’t say where she was going. She said she didn’t want to put the rest of us in any danger.”

Gee thanks, Frank.
Now Stacy felt like a big bitch for not doing what Frank just said she did.

“He lies!” said the skinny one. “His words stink of deception. I have fifteen ranks in Sense Motive!”

“Take it easy, Famine,” said Nathan. “It’s only natural for them to want to try to deceive us. They think we’re dangerous, and that they need to protect her from us.”

The big one, the one called Pestilence, snorted. “They can’t even protect themselves.”

Several bows creaked from different directions.

“Hold your fire!” said Frank. “I’m telling you, she’s gone. If you don’t believe me, you can use another Scrying spell and see for yourself.” He raised his voice. “Everybody hold your fire. I am going to allow the wizard to cast a Scrying spell. Do NOT shoot him.” His raised voice was no doubt as much for Stacy’s benefit as it was for the archers. She was on. She put her hands over her eyes, just to make sure that as little light as possible got in.

“Interesting,” said Nathan. “I’ll play along. War, did you bring another Scrying scroll?”

“Yeah,” said Scott. He mumbled some words that Stacy couldn’t understand. “It’s… something’s wrong,” he said. “It’s not working right.”

“What do you mean,
it’s not working right
?” said Famine. “Can you see anything or not?”

“I only see darkness,” said Scott. “And everything is echo-y.”

“Echo-y?” said Nathan.

“Yeah,” said Scott. “Your voices,
my
voice. It’s like we’re talking in a cave.”

“It’s because you’re drunk!” said Pestilence.

“Ow!” said Scott. “Hey, stop it!”

“That’s how she escaped in the first place, you idiot!”

“Come on, man. Stop it. That hurts!”

“You only had one job.”

“Cut it out!”

“Pestilence,” said Nathan in a warning tone.

“You couldn’t even babysit a stupid little bitch.”

“Eric!” said Nathan. “That’s enough!”

The commotion stopped abruptly. Whatever Eric had been doing to Scott, he stopped now.

“War,” Nathan spoke calmly again. “Go take some time to clear your mind. I’ll signal you to return.”

A minute of silence passed, then Nathan spoke again.

“So what’s it gonna be, Frank? Are we gonna do this the easy way or the hard way?” That line sounded rehearsed, but Nathan still wasn’t quite able to pull it off.

“What are you talking about?” said Frank. “I told you she’s not here. It’s not my fault your wizard’s a useless drunk.”

“It’s true,” Nathan conceded. “Scott’s taste for the Devil’s Water often keeps him from achieving all he otherwise might, but I assure you his magic is sound. After all, he successfully used the same spell only a short while ago, which is what led us here. If anything, he’s more sober now than he was then.”

“So what are you saying?” asked Pestilence. “She’s hiding in a cave?”

“No, Eric,” said Nathan. He sounded annoyed that the big guy wasn’t keeping up. “If she was in a cave, Scott wouldn’t have heard our voices echoing. The echoing sound came from him hearing our voices with his own ears as well as the ears of someone who is
very... close... by
.”

Shit
.

“So she’s hanging around somewhere with her eyes closed?” Nathan continued. “Is that really the best you could do, Frank?”

“We didn’t have a lot of time to plan.”

“Disappointing.”

“We’re not giving up the girl.”

“I understand you want to protect her,” said Nathan. “And that’s very noble. But I can assure you she is much safer under our protection than under yours.”

“She’s not going anywhere,” said Frank. “Take one more step, and I make you the archers’ primary target.”

“Pah!” said Nathan. “Save your arrows. Our armor has enough buffs to stop a Howitzer. Well, that’s true for all of us except Scott. But then, wouldn’t you know, he’s way up there. How high do you think you can fire those arrows?”

“One of us has a vorpal sword,” said Frank. “Stacy brought it back from your place. Are you willing to risk losing your head?” It was a sad, desperate last ditch effort of a threat.

“Ha!” said Nathan. “You go ahead and keep the vorpal sword. We’ve got a dozen of them. But I’m afraid Scott’s going to want his Rod of Lordly Might back.”

“Tell him to come down here and get it.”

“No no,” said Nathan. “I’m afraid Scott is going to have to stay right where he is for now. You see, we didn’t have much time to plan either. But we made do. I can give him the blue signal or the red signal. Hand over the girl, and I’ll give him the blue signal. He’ll come down and pick us up, and we’ll all be on our way. Try my patience any further and… Well let’s just say that Fireball has a range of four hundred feet, and your precious tavern currently lacks a roof.”

“You wouldn’t.” said Frank. The desperation in his voice suggested that he knew otherwise.

“Scott’s been stockpiling Fireball scrolls,” said Nathan. “It’s his favorite spell. I’d guess he’s probably got enough scrolls to give each of you your own individual Fireball. And don’t worry. Since he’s leveled up, these will be much more impressive than the sad excuse for a Fireball that burnt this place to the ground last time.”

Stacy had heard enough. She opened her eyes. “Stop! I’m coming out!”

“Stacy, no!” Frank did his best to sound sincere, but Stacy could tell he was relieved. She had taken the moral dilemma, and the responsibility for the lives of all his friends, off his hands.

“Thank you, Frank,” said Stacy. “You’re a brave little guy, but I can’t have you all put your lives at risk for me. Besides, Mordred isn’t going to let them hurt me.”

“That’s right, dear,” said Nathan. “You’ll be perfectly safe with us.” He was less scary when he was deliberately trying to sound evil. However insidious his voice was when he spoke normally, he only sounded silly when trying to deliver schlocky supervillian lines. He pointed a bony, white finger at the sky, and a beam of blue light shot out of it.

An arrow came out of nowhere and struck an invisible barrier about two inches away from Nathan’s black robe. The arrow disintegrated and crumbled to dust at his feet. He glared annoyingly at Frank.

“I said hold your fire!” Frank shouted. “That’s just a signal flare!”

“Sorry!” said a Tim-like person from up on one of the walls. “My bad!”

The magical light exploded into a blue burst of fireworks, and Scott began to descend on the flying carpet.

Frank crossed his arms. He looked defeated. “I’m sorry we couldn’t do more.”

“You did all you could,” said Stacy. “Just hang on.
Time
heals all wounds.” She hoped Frank understood what she was getting at with her ill-fitted-to-the-situation cliché.
Just wait, Frank. The guys back home are going to set things right.

Frank nodded. “Time.”

As Scott’s carpet got closer, Pestilence approached Stacy with the bag to cover her head.

“Is the bag really necessary guys?” asked Stacy. “There are only two places in this world that I know the location of, and one of them is your place.”

Pestilence grunted through his piggy nostrils. “The bag is so we don’t have to look at your ugly face.” He thrust it down roughly over her head.

Stacy waited for the carpet in silent darkness, passing the time by actively abstaining from pointing out the irony in what he’d just said.

Chapter 31

“Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight.” Tim stopped counting once he reached the top floor. He hopped down off the wall of the parking deck and looked at the key card in his hand. “Twenty-eight-o-three. That puts him on the top floor.”

“Penthouse suite,” said Katherine. “I got invited to a party up there once. Those are some nice rooms.”

“No doubt pretty expensive too,” said Tim. “He’s not just hiding out from us. He’s planning to unleash those four pricks on Biloxi tonight.”

“It’s kinda lame, when you think about it,” said Katherine.

“What’s that?”

“Why would anyone want to take over the Gulfport-Biloxi area? Why not take over New York or Paris or something?”

“Maybe he wants to start small, just to get a feel for it, and hope the rest of the world doesn’t notice.”

“Smart move on his part.”

“And there’s the casinos,” said Tim. “If he can take down the Beauregard, he’ll have the cash to get started on some more serious domination.”

Katherine bit her lower lip. “Shit.”

“We can’t let that happen.”

“Big words, little brother,” said Katherine. “When did you get all of this hometown pride?”

“I don’t give a shit about this town,” said Tim. “When Mordred brings those assholes back here, killing us is going to be their first priority.”

“I guess you’re right. Do you have a plan for getting in?”

“We’ll never make it through the lobby without arousing suspicion looking the way we do, not to mention the fact that all of these assholes are stoned as shit.”

“So if we can’t go through the lobby…”

Tim looked up at the towering building and already regretted what he was about to say. “We go in through the window.”

“You want me to ferry you guys up there one at a time?” asked Katherine. “Won’t that diminish the element of surprise?”

“No,” said Tim. “We all go in at the same time.” He picked up the Bag of Holding. “Do you still have that gun that you and Cooper shot up the Olive Garden with?”

“No,” said Katherine. “I threw it away.”

“Shit.” Tim was reluctant to part with the gun he had on him. If they were too late, he wanted to put a few holes in those Horse-fuckers before they killed him.

“I don’t know how much that’s going to help you against Ginfizzle anyway,” said Katherine. “Besides, if you miss, the bullet’s only going to fly by in random directions until it hits somebody.”

“It’s not for Ginfizzle,” said Tim. “I think the seven of us will be able to handle him okay.”

“Then what do you need with a gun? Also, I think you miscounted.”

“I didn’t count Cooper.”

“Why not?”

“Hold that thought.” Tim walked back to the group. “Do we still have any guns?”

Chaz stopped strumming his lute. “There’s a shotgun in the trunk of the car.”

“Perfect,” said Tim, rubbing his hands together and trying to spot a flaw in his plan.
No. No time for thinking.
“Okay guys, hop in the bag.” He held open the Bag of Holding.”

“I beg your pardon?” said Dennis.

Randy giggled. “I don’t think we’s all gonna fit in there.”

“Sure we will,” said Dave. “Check this out. You’re gonna love it.” His voice was uncharacteristically enthusiastic. Maybe that merrythistle was good for something after all. He stood up, waddled over, stepped into the bag, and appeared to sink into the pavement.

“God
damn
!” said Dennis.

“What was in that stuff we was smokin’, Professor?”

“Come on, guys,” said Tim. “Hurry it up. Dave’s alone in there with a vampire and a limited amount of air. We’ve got to do this quickly.”

Randy and Dennis looked at one another doubtfully.

Chaz hopped up and looked Tim in the face. “First in, first out. I almost suffocated last time.”

“You got it,” said Tim, having absolutely no intention of keeping that promise. Chaz stepped into the bag.

“Me next!” said Cooper.

“No,” said Tim. “I need you for something else.”

Cooper folded his arms and sulked. “This is bullshit.”

Tim looked at Randy and Dennis. “Let’s go, guys.”

“I don’t wanna go in the bag,” said Randy.

Dennis hugged Randy’s arm. “I’m scared.”

Tim sighed. “We don’t have time for this. Cooper?”

Cooper grabbed Dennis by the arms, lifted him off the ground, and shoved him headfirst into the bag. He looked at Randy. “Get in the fucking bag.”

“Okay okay,” said Randy. He dipped a toe tentatively inside. “I don’t feel nothin’.”

“Can you feel this?” said Cooper, shoving Randy in the back.

“Wha!” said Randy, falling into the bag. He got stuck halfway, as his gut tested the limits of the bag’s opening. He lifted the bottom of the bag off the pavement, revealing nothing underneath. “Where the hell are my legs?”

“Suck in the gut,” said Cooper, and shoved him the rest of the way through.

“Cooper,” said Tim. “Go get Butterbean out of the car.”

While Cooper was retrieving the injured wolf, Tim turned to Professor Goosewaddle. “Professor?”

“I’m sorry,” said Professor Goosewaddle. “I’m not getting into a Bag of Holding. That’s just plain ludicrous. You young people have no appreciation for the dangerous aspects of magic.”

“I’ve got plenty appreciation for the dangerous aspects of magic,” said Tim. “That’s why I’m doing this.”

“Butterbean!” said Katherine, as Cooper approached with her Animal Companion. Butterbean growled at her. At least he was sounding healthier. “You take care of him in there.”

“I will,” said Tim. “Come on, Professor. I need you to get in the bag.”

“To what end?” said Professor Goosewaddle.

“So that Katherine can turn into a bat and carry us all up to the room Mordred is staying in.”

Professor Goosewaddle laughed. “Is that all? I’ll just fly alongside her.” He waved his hands and spoke an incantation. A second later, he was zipping through the air like Peter Pan.

“Okay then,” said Tim. “That’ll do.” He turned to Cooper. “All right, Cooper. Get the shotgun out of Dennis’s trunk. The keys are –”

Cooper punched the keyhole of the police car’s trunk repeatedly until it gave up and opened.

“—in the ignition.”

“Now what?” said Cooper, looking pretty badass in a football uniform and brandishing a police-issue shotgun.

“Here’s the plan,” said Tim. “Those windows are likely to be pretty strong, to prevent people who’ve lost all their money from jumping through them. If Katherine can’t punch through the glass, use the shotgun.”

“Fuck yes!” said Cooper.

“We’re not going to have much air left,” said Tim. “So once you’re in there, start pulling us out. If you see the dice, grab them. Just make sure Mordred doesn’t get away again.”

“Got it,” said Cooper.

“Okay,” said Tim. “Good luck, and don’t fuck this up.” He stepped into the bag.