Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (20 page)

“Hippogriff,” said Scott, refilling Stacy’s glass, then his own. “It’s like a cross between a horse and an eagle.”

“You mean a Pegasus?”

“No,” said Scott. “A Pegasus is just a winged horse. A hippogriff has the back end of a horse, and the front end of an eagle. Talons, beak, the whole works.”

“Hmph,” said Stacy. “You mind giving me another bite?”

“Sure,” said Scott. He started to mumble again.

“Oh come on, dude,” said Stacy. “Just use your hands. I’m starving.”

Scott picked up the fork, poked another piece of meat, and put it in Stacy’s mouth.

Stacy chewed, swallowed, and looked at Scott. “Help me wash it down?”

Scott helped Stacy with her drink. She tilted her head back, gulping down every last drop, hoping it would encourage him to do the same. It burned going down. The alcohol wasn’t particularly strong, but she was more accustomed to sipping than gulping. She thought she might choke or spit it out, but she managed to keep it down.

“Gosh,” said Scott. “You must be thirsty.”

“I’m your prisoner,” said Stacy with a coy smile. “I’ve got to take advantage of whatever pleasure I can find.” She couldn’t believe how badly she was hamming up this seductress act, but Scott was eating it up, and she was starting to get a nice buzz going. She nodded at Scott’s drink. “Your turn.”
Was that too pushy? Would he be suspicious?

Nope.
Scott grabbed his drink determinedly, poured it down his throat, and disappeared.

“The hell?” said Stacy.

“What’s wrong?” said Scott. He was sitting about two feet to the left of where he had just been, looking straight ahead. “What are you looking at?” he asked when she turned to look at him. He looked over to his right and set his glass down on the floor.

When he let go of the glass, it disappeared. Or rather, it teleported to the part of the floor right in front of Stacy… exactly where it would be if he was sitting where he was supposed to be.
Well, that’s fucking weird.

Was he still in front of her?

“Are you okay?” asked Scott.

Stacy forced herself to look straight ahead. “Yeah, I’m just hungry still.” She looked at the dish and made some mental predictions.

Just as she expected, the fork vanished, followed by a piece of meat. And then the surface of the honey was indented a couple of times. Stacy remained facing straight forward. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth. It was better for Scott to think this was some strange flirty thing than for him to see her awkwardly feeling around with her mouth for an invisible piece of meat.

“Mmmmm,” she said once the meat was in her mouth. She kept her eyes closed. “It’s soooo good.” It was hard to sound sexy with a big chunk of meat in her mouth. She needed time to think. Those weren’t vials of poison in that box. They must be magic potions. Feeding them to Scott wasn’t going to do her any good. She was in a bad enough spot as it was without giving him random super powers.

“There’s more where that came from?” said Scott.
Was he just groping for something to say? Or was this the inevitable start of sexual innuendo? She had to get rid of him.

“My neck itches,” said Stacy, tilting her head to the right, giving him as much neck exposure as she could. “Could you give it a little scratch?” She kept her eyes closed and waited.

“Sure,” said Scott. She felt his fingernails clumsily scratching the side of her neck.

“More around the back,” said Stacy. “A little lower now.”

“Like that?”

“Ooh, that’s good.” Stacy heaved her breasts forward until she could feel Scott breathing on them. She opened her eyes. She could feel his breath and fingers, but he still appeared to be two feet to her left. And then, just like that, he was right there again. Stacy jumped.

Scott pulled his hand back. “Sorry!”

“No, it’s okay,” said Stacy. She smiled at him. “I just got a little shiver, that’s all.”

“I’ll be right back,” said Scott. “I’ve got to go to the bathroom again.”

Uh-huh.

“You know, once the floodgates open…”

Of course.

“I’ll be right back.”

Stacy smiled. “I’ll be right here.”

He either genuinely had to pee, which would take him more time because he’d have to calm his erection down first, or he was going to rub one out. Either way, Stacy had just bought herself some time.

If she was going to gamble, she was going to go all in. She cut the rope binding her feet together and pulled a sword out of a nearby barrel to replace the one they’d taken from her, and a little brown bag that was sitting next to it. She put Scott’s silver, bulb-headed stick in the bag. She didn’t know if she’d be able to use it, but she preferred that at least he
not
be able to. Then she made for the potion box. She sucked back tube after tube, not caring what they looked or tasted like, though some of them were vile, or what changes she felt happening to her body. She’d consumed half the box when she couldn’t physically stomach anymore.

When her feeding frenzy had ended, Stacy looked to see what, if any, changes had taken place. She was about ten feet tall, her skin was thicker, rougher, and browner than it had been before, and she was uncharacteristically pissed off.

She knew she didn’t have much time, but she needed to vent some of her aggression. She punched the white dragon head, feeling no pain at all in her rough, brown hands, until she was satisfied that it wouldn’t look good on anyone’s wall. Then she threw it out the window, because screw these guys. It landed with a splash.

Stacy looked out the window to see that the pulverized dragon head was murking up the water of what appeared to be a swimming pool. She wondered if it would be wiser to jump out the window, or try to exit through the house and risk running into Scott.

Fuck it. She was huge.
She jumped out the window, and was surprised to find that she wasn’t falling. She was just hanging there in the open air.

She willed herself away from the house, and was pleased to find that it was as easy as that. She was flying. Scanning the horizon, she saw the walls of a large city in the distance, and figured that was as good a place as any to go. She flew Superman-style toward the city, twenty feet of nothing but air between herself and the windblown waves of grass below. The wind rushing past her face and whipping her hair around was exhilarating. She drew her sword and let out a barbaric victory roar.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”

She was surprised to find that her voice was as deep as Cooper’s, but she didn’t care.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaah?” About halfway between her captors’ house and the city ahead, Stacy’s voice returned to its normal pitch. Her skin wasn’t brown or rough anymore. She appeared to be her normal size. She looked down. The ground was rapidly rushing toward her.

“Oh sh—”

Chapter 25

Tim sat on the curb of the Target on the other side of the shopping center, idly watching his undead sister bite the heads off rats and suck down their blood. It was mildly horrifying at first, but he had other things on his mind.

Target had closed for the night. They were far enough away from the police action still going on at Dick’s Sporting Goods that they wouldn’t bring any undue attention to themselves. At the same time, they had a nice, wide-open expanse of parking lot between themselves, Dick’s, and the Olive Garden. If there were any elven wizards or talking birds frolicking about in the area, they shouldn’t be too hard to spot.

“Where the hell could he be?” asked Tim.

“Did you pick a spot to meet in case things went wrong?” asked Cooper, his football helmeted head resting sullenly in his palms.

“Of course not,” said Tim. “It was such a simple plan. Wait for them to leave. Follow them. There was literally nothing that could go wrong. I mean, not unless a giant wolf and bat were to go and charge through the scene, fucking everything up, that is.”

Katherine spit out a rat head. “We were just doing what you told us to do.”

“Really?” said Tim. “I don’t recall asking you to shoot up an Olive Garden or trash a Dick’s. All I remember me asking you to do was to catch one stupid little vampire. And guess who ended up doing that?” He shoved his thumb into his chest. “Me. With a fucking leaf blower.”

“I checked around and behind every store in the shopping center,” said Katherine. “He’s gone.”

“He and the bird have probably gone off chasing a butterfly or something,” said Cooper. “You know how easily distracted he gets. I wouldn’t worry about him.”

“I’m not worried about
him
,” said Tim. “I’m worried about Stacy. She’s alone and helpless in another world, and those four assholes have her. She’s as good as dead if we don’t find – Oh shit.”

“What?” said Katherine, hiding a half-sucked rat corpse behind her back.

The last of the police cars were leaving Dick’s, the cops inside them no doubt shaking their heads at the crazy witness testimonies that they’d received. All but one of them were headed back out toward the highway. The exception was creeping slowly toward Tim, Cooper, and Katherine. The headlights were turned off, like it was in stealth mode, but the parking lot lights exposed it for what it was. Definitely a cop car, and definitely headed toward them.

“Guys,” said Tim. “Get ready to bolt. Cooper, open the Bag of Holding.”

Cooper opened the bag and held it low for Tim. “Here you go.”

“Uh-uh,” said Tim. “You first.”

“Why me?”

“Because there’s a pissed-off vampire in there, and you’ve got more Hit Points.”

Cooper nodded and stepped into the open bag. He sank as though there was a hole in the sidewalk, and disappeared inside the bag. Tim was just about to jump in after him when the cop car’s PA system kicked on.

“Tim!” said the staticky, amplified electronic voice. “Your chicken gave me diarrhea, and you have three overdue library books.”

“What the fuck?” Tim said to himself. Something wasn’t right. He hadn’t been inside a library for years.

“Let me try!” said a higher voice from inside the cop car. The speakers buzzed, clicked, and whined. “Helloooooooooo!”

Goosewaddle
.

Tim dragged his forefinger across the front of his neck, signaling for them to shut up. “It’s Dave.”

“Where the hell did he get a fuzzmobile?” asked Katherine.

“Who the fuck knows?” said Tim. “Get Cooper out of the bag, would you?”

Katherine reached inside the Bag of Holding. “Cooper.” Cooper’s hand locked grabbed Katherine’s wrist, and she yanked him out of the bag. His chest and arms were riddled with parallel sets of scratches.

“What happened in there?” asked Tim.

“You were right,” said Cooper. “The little guy is pissed.”

“Are you okay?” asked Katherine.

“I’ll be fine. I punched him in the head. He’s cartwheeling through the void right now.” He looked at the approaching police car. “Um… why the fuck haven’t we moved?”

The police car stopped. The two front doors opened. Chaz stepped out of the passenger’s side, and Dennis stepped out of the driver’s side.

“You let him drive?” asked Tim.

Chaz shrugged. “It’s his car. Anyway, I think we can trust him now.”

“You think we can
trust
him?”

Dennis looked down at Tim. “I want my balls back.”

What kind of promises had Chaz made?
Someone would pay for this later, Tim had no doubt. But if it was keeping Dennis in line right now, so be it. Tim had more pressing concerns. “Of course.”

Dave knocked on the rear passenger’s side window. Chaz opened the door to let him, Randy, and Professor Goosewaddle out.

“Professor!” said Tim. “I need your help.”

Professor Goosewaddle puffed out his gnomish chest. “I’ll do what I can.”

“Do you remember Mordred, the guy who ran out of my restaurant when we first arrived in this world?”

“The heavyset fellow?”

“That’s right!” said Tim. “He’s taken Stacy. We have to find him, but I’m all out of ideas. Please tell me you’ve got a spell or something that can help us.”

“Like a Scrying spell?”

Tim slapped both palms against his forehead. “Scrying! Why didn’t I think of that before?” His heart skipped a beat as he grabbed the professor by the shoulders. “Please tell me you’ve got one memorized.”

“Of course,” said the professor. “I had two, but we had to use one in order to chase down these two.” He nodded at Dennis and Randy.

Tim glared at Chaz.

“What?” said Chaz. “They overpowered me. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I’m a fucking bard. Anyway, he said he’s got another one.”

Tim turned his attention back to Goosewaddle. “We need to find Mordred, like right now.”

“Do any of you have a mirror?”

“Here,” said Katherine, pulling her compact mirror out of her purse. “It’s no use to me anymore.”

Professor Goosewaddle closed his eyes and mumbled an incantation. When he opened them again, he appeared to be in a trance. He stared into the mirror. “I see him.”

Tim looked into the mirror over Professor Goosewaddle’s shoulder. All he could see was himself and the professor. “Where is he?”

“He is in a small, tiled room. He is naked. A constant spray of water is raining down on him.”

“He’s taking a shower,” said Dave.

Tim nodded. That sounded about right.

“So wait,” said Katherine. “When you get that spell, you can just watch people shower anytime you want?”

“Shut up, Katherine!” said Tim. “Professor, keep watching. Try to be more specific.”

“He is lathering up his genitals with a tiny bar of soap.”

“Okay, less specific,” said Tim. “Try to get a sense of his surroundings.”

“I can only see what he sees,” said the professor. “And right now he appears to be quite fixated on his engorged penis.”

“I can’t listen to any more of this,” said Katherine. “I’m going to have another look for Julian.” She turned into a normal-sized bat and flapped away.

“Okay professor,” said Tim. “Let’s hold off on the commentary until after he gets out of the shower.”

“He’s exiting the water room.”

“That was fast,” said Cooper. “He’s already finished choking the bishop?”

“He is donning a white robe.”

“What else do you see in the room?” said Tim. He began to fear that they were getting nowhere with this spell.

“The room is illuminated by glass bulbs glowing with white light.”

Great. So they know he has electricity. That should narrow down the search.
“Keep talking.”

“Mordred is applying some kind of blue ointment onto a bristled stick. Now he’s looking in the mirror and rubbing the ointment onto his teeth.”

“He’s brushing his teeth,” said Dave. “This is riveting.”

Tim shushed Dave. “This is all we have to go on. Keep watching, Professor. Tell us what you see.”

“He has just entered a spacious bedroom. It would not look out of place at the king’s palace.”

That wasn’t what Tim was expecting, but Goosewaddle’s perception of ‘palatial’ might be different than his own. “What do you see on the walls? Are there pictures of wizards and dragons?”

“The walls are clean, and devoid of much in the way of decoration. There is an occasional tasteful painting hanging here and there.”

Clean, spacious, and tasteful were not adjectives Tim would have imagined appropriate to describe whatever dank shithole a guy like Mordred crawled out of every day. Something was wrong. This place sounded more like a –

“Goddammit,” said Tim. “He’s in a fucking hotel.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” said Dave. “We know he’s got his dice with him. We can go back to the Chicken Hut, look up nearby hotels online, and let Professor Goosewaddle identify the interior.”

Tim nodded slowly. “It could work.”

“He has climbed onto the bed,” said Professor Goosewaddle. “He is pointing a rectangular device at the magic screen on the wall. A human male is copulating with two human females. Mordred is opening his robe. He sighed the word
Stacy
.”

“I’ll fucking kill him,” said Tim. “Okay, Goosewaddle. That’s enough. You don’t want to see the rest of this.”

Tim’s phone rang. The number wasn’t one he was familiar with. He answered it. “Hello?”

“Tim! It’s me, Julian.”

“Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you! Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“Battery’s dead.”

“Where are you?”

“At the Beauregard casino.”

“What the fuck, man?” said Tim. “The Olive Garden not exciting enough for you? You thought you’d spice things up a bit with a little blackjack?”

“Would you just listen to what –”

“No!” said Tim. “You listen! We’re in some serious shit. Mordred sent Stacy into the game world, and we’ve got no idea where he is.”

“That’s why I’m here,” said Julian. “Ravenus and I followed Mordred here. He checked into the hotel.”