Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (27 page)

Dave neither vanished nor changed in appearance.

“I’m still here.”

Tim frowned. “Yeah, you are.”

Dave shut his eyes harder and clenched his fist tighter. “DAVE, RETURN!”

“I think Dave needs to shut the fuck up,” said a man in the next booth over. The other men at his table laughed.

“Keep it down, Dave,” said Tim. “It’s not working.”

“But why not?” asked Dave. “I did exactly the same thing Mordred did. There weren’t any strange incantations or Latin bullshit. All he said was their names and
return.
”

“Try rolling it,” suggested Julian.

Dave shrugged and rolled the die on the table. It stopped in front of Randy.

“What sort of game is this?” asked Professor Goosewaddle.

“It says
12,
” said Randy. “Did you win?”

“Maybe that one’s all magicked out,” said Dave. “Let me try another one.”

“Magical dice?” asked the professor. “How peculiar. Let me have a look.”

“Sure,” said Randy. He rolled the die over to the professor, and promptly disappeared.

“What the?” said Dennis. “Where the
fuck
did Randy go?”

Tim had just finished retrieving a new die from the dice bag. He put it back in. “I guess it’s not magicked out after all.”

“Can I have his sausages?” asked Cooper, not waiting for a response before reaching over to grab Randy’s plate.

“What happened to Randy?” Dennis repeated.

“He crossed over,” said Tim. “He’s in the game world, just like what happened to us.”

“So he
changed
?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“So what is he?” asked Dennis. “Is he a midget, like you? Or a different sort of midget, like this guy?” He nodded at Professor Goosewaddle. “Or a fat midget like Dave?” He looked at Cooper. “Or whatever the hell he is?”

“Who knows?” said Tim. “The game decides. He might even turn out human, like Chaz did.”

Dennis turned to Chaz. “So this is what you meant. This is how I can become a whole man again.”

“Uh…” said Chaz. “Yeah.”

“Give me the die, Professor.”

“This is powerful magic,” said Professor Goosewaddle. He held one eye closed. His open eye glowed white as he stared at the black die in his hand. “In all my years, I’ve not seen anything quite like this.”

“Why didn’t it work for me?” asked Dave.

“Well that much is easy enough to answer, at least,” said Professor Goosewaddle. “This die is tethered to its owner. It is not yours to command.”

“Well give it here, Goosewiggle,” said Dennis. He swiped the die out of Professor Goosewaddle’s fingers.

“Are you sure you want this?” asked Tim. “It’s a dangerous world over there.”

Dennis’s eyes began to tear up as he let the die fall out of his hand onto the table. “There’s only one thing I want, and that’s balls!”

The man in the next booth peeked his head over the partition. “What in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

Dennis had disappeared. Dave and Cooper pointed at one another.

“Gentlemen,” said their waitress, who had just turned up to refill Chaz’s coffee. “I’m gonna have to ask you to keep your voices down.”

When she was gone, Tim huddled everyone together. “Sorry, Dave. It looks like I was wrong about our options. I don’t see how we have any choice but to go back.”

“For what?” asked Dave.

“For Mordred,” said Julian. “If we can track him down there, we can force him to return us to normal.” After a short pause, he added. “For those of us who want that.”

Dave sighed. “So when do we leave.”

“I think we’d better go right now,” said Tim.

“What’s the big hurry?”

“We have a more immediate problem.”

“Oh, great,” said Dave. “And what would that be?”

Tim looked at all the dishes and scraps of food on the table. “Dennis was the only one here who had any money.”

“Oh shit,” said Cooper. “That’s pretty fucking inconsiderate, transporting into a different world and sticking us with the bill.”

“Professor,” said Tim. “It’s time to go. Do you have that Mass Teleport spell ready?”

“Of course,” said the professor. “I’ll need everyone to join hands.”

“Wait!” said Julian. He stood up and ran outside. Half a minute later, he was back inside Denny’s, along with the Bag of Holding, Ravenus, and Butterbean.

“Goddamn!” shouted the man in the next booth.

The waitress jumped over the counter. “Sir! You can’t bring a wolf into Denny’s!”

“We’d better make this quick,” said Julian. “Ravenus, stay perched on my shoulder.” He grabbed Cooper’s arm with his left hand and Butterbean’s paw with his right. “Let’s go, Professor.”

Professor Goosewaddle grabbed the bottle of Tabasco sauce and set it on his lap. “Everyone join hands.” The incantation must have been in Gnomish because Tim couldn’t make out anything he was saying.

Denny’s started to spin around. The waitress’s screams and Butterbean’s howls swirled together as the fabric of time and space wrung itself like a beach towel. When reality began to take form once again, it was clear they were no longer inside Denny’s.

Chapter 36

“Have you even considered using these powers for good? I mean just think of how rich and famous you could be without actually killing everyone. You could irrigate deserts, heal the sick, take up professional wrestling. Really, you’re only limited by your imaginations on this one.”

As long as they were letting her talk, Stacy wished they’d take the bag off her head. Still, she considered it a good sign that they hadn’t smacked her in the head for getting the gag out of her mouth, and an even better sign that they were listening to her pitch. Their continued silence was a little unnerving, but it must have meant that they were at least giving it some thought, right? At this point, it was a war of attrition. As long as they neither beat her, nor argued with her, their defenses would slowly erode, and they’d come around to her way of thinking. It was a tactic she was well versed in.

“And think of the women! Those faith-healers you see on TV, I guarantee you they’re getting it morning, noon, and night, and their entire practice is based on bullshit. You’ve got
real
healing powers. You could start your own alternative medicine practice. I could even help you get started. I’ve got experience working in a clinic. I mean, really, I pretty much run the whole place for Dr. Baxter. That’s my boss back home. He’s a great guy and all, but seriously, imagining him trying to run that place without me, it’s not even worth thinking about. Of course what you’ve got in mind is different from a poison control clinic, but that’s kind of my point. What
you’re
proposing,”
It’s important to make them believe it was their idea.
“is so radically different than anything we’ve already got back on Earth, we’d be building from the ground up.”

They’d been flying for a long time, much longer than it should have taken to get back to their villa.
Was that a good sign or a bad sign? Keep talking.

“Heck, if you play your cards right, you might even be hailed as Messiahs. That is, if you wanted to take it in that direction. That kind of fame comes with its own price tag, and you should take some time to consider if you want to take it that far. Me? I‘d go with a lot of money and just a bit of fame. Maybe get interviewed by Oprah. That’s just me though. Maybe Conan’s your thing. The point is that you have so many options right now. Once you start murdering people, your options are significantly reduced. On the other hand, say you don’t really take to the faith-healing, talk-show circuit. You’ll still have the hostile takeover option available.
Why limit yourself?
is what I’m saying.” The bag was getting stuffy, and it was getting harder to breathe and talk. It was time to lay down her cards. “You guys have been quiet for a while. Is any of this getting through? I mean, is there anything you’d like to contribute or ask?”

“Just one question,” said a voice that didn’t sound like any of the Horsemen. In fact, it almost sounded like… “How might you suggest we apply our powers to, let’s say… the restaurant business?”

“Tim?”

“I honestly thought you were never going to shut up.”

Stacy felt Tim’s little hand take hold of hers. She tensed at first, but then relaxed as he cut her hands free. She took the bag off her head. The Horsemen were gone, and the carpet wasn’t moving at all. It was just hovering, barely beyond the walls of the big city. And there was Tim, sitting next to her, grinning.

“How did you get up here?”

“Professor Goosewaddle gave me a boost,” said Tim, pointing down.

Stacy peeked over the edge of the carpet. A hundred feet below, Dave, Cooper, Chaz, Julian, and Professor Goosewaddle waved up at her. She waved back. “Hey guys!”

She wrung the lingering rope pain out of her wrists. “What happened to the Horsemen?”

“They’re back home,” said Tim.

“Oh shit,” said Stacy. “Are they killing everyone?”

Tim shook his head. “You’ve got nothing to fear from the Horsemen ever again.”

“And Mordred?”

Tim frowned. “The jury’s still out on that one. He’s here somewhere.”

*

At the Whore’s Head Inn, the flying carpet was initially met with hostility. Bows were drawn. The magic people’s hands all glowed bright with spells ready to knock Stacy and her friends out of the sky.

Cooper grabbed Tim and stood at the front of the carpet as it descended. He raised Tim over his head like baby Simba.

“Hold your fire!” shouted Frank. “Is that… Could it really be?”

“Drew Brees?” said the elf next to him.

“Put me down, shithead!” Tim shouted at Cooper.

“Lower your weapons!” shouted Frank. “It’s Tim! They’ve come back!” Archers lowered their bows. Glowing hands stopped glowing. Everyone stopped what they were doing to crowd around the descending carpet.

“Stage dive!” Cooper shouted, tossing Tim into the crowd.

“Shiiiiiiiiiiit!” said Tim as he sailed through the air. The crowd parted, and Tim hit the dirt.

Stacy winced. “Ow.”

“Sorry, dude,” said Cooper. “That played out differently than what I had envisioned.”

“Cooper!” said Frank, moving in to give him a hug, but stopping just short of actually touching him. “It’s great to see you again. Love the uniform. Say, did your ass get bigger?”

“Nah,” said Cooper. “I just really need to change my pants.”

“I like what you’ve done with the place,” said Julian. “I notice you got the bar rebuilt before you even finished the roof.”

Frank shrugged. “A man’s got to have priorities, right?”

Julian made eye contact with a young couple sitting at the bar. The man was a half-elf, shirtless and broad-chested except for the strap of the quiver he wore on his back. The woman, only recognizable as such due to her very ample bosom, was a dwarf, like Dave but with less facial hair. The man gave Julian an idle salute.

“Hey there, uh… Buddy,” said Julian. It was painfully obvious that he recognized Julian, but Julian had no idea who he was.

“Awkward!” Stacy whispered, knowing only Julian would be able to hear her.

Julian blushed. Two seconds later, recognition clicked in Stacy’s mind, and she soon felt the rush of blood in her own cheeks too. She looked back at the man at the bar. He was slimmer, stronger, and tanner, but there was no mistaking him.

“
Randy
?”

“Hey, Stacy! I didn’t think y’all’d reckonize us.”

Stacy ran around to the other side of the bar and jumped into his surprisingly muscular arms. “Look at you!”

“I know, right!” said Randy, setting her down. He flexed. “I ain’t never had abs that I could see before!”

Stacy elbowed him in the side, winked, and mock whispered, “Who’s the babe?”

The woman seated next to Randy started weeping. Her face smashed hard against the bar. Randy frowned sympathetically.

“Oh no!” said Stacy.

“What’s wrong?” asked Cooper.

“Oh shit,” said Tim. “Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t –”

“Shh!” said Randy, casting a quick glance at the others in the Whore’s Head. He spoke very slowly and deliberately. “Friends, I’d like to introduce you to a new friend of mine, Denise. Denise, these are my friends. Tim, Cooper, Dave, Julian, Professor Goosewaddle, and… I’m sorry, what was your name again?”

“Chaz,” said Chaz.

“And Chaz,” said Randy. “Would you like to say hello?”

Denise lifted one hand and stopped crying long enough to say, “S’up?”

“Frank,” said Tim. “Could you guys excuse us for a few minutes?”

“Is there a problem?” asked Frank.

“It’s kind of a personal thing.”

“Yeah,” said Frank. “No problem. Use the cellar if you like.”

“Thanks.”

Frank clapped his hands twice and raised his voice. “Come on, everyone, let’s get back to work!”

Tim held the cellar door open as everyone filed down the stairs single file, except for Randy, who escorted a still-weeping Denise.

“You said I’d grow my balls back!” Denise shouted at Chaz.

“I didn’t say any such thing!” said Chaz. “I said there was a
chance
.”

“Hey, wait,” said Cooper. “That’s the
cop
?”

“Way to keep up, big guy,” said Tim.

“That’s fucking hilarious.”

Denise rushed at Cooper.

It took Randy, Chaz, and Dave to hold her back.

“Let go of me!” cried Denise, throwing Chaz off of her left arm. Randy, thanks to his strength, and Dave, thanks to his girth, were more difficult to shake. “All right already, I’m cool.”

Randy and Dave let go of her.

“It’s not his fault,” said Dave. “And it’s not Chaz’s fault either. Look.” He held up his left arm. The forearm was completely covered in leopard fur. “The game gets confused sometimes. That’s how I got this.”

“You think that compares?” said Denise. “You got a furry arm. I got big titties and a
fuckin’ vag
!” He hefted his ‘big titties’ up and down to accentuate his point.

Cooper snorted. “At least you got to keep your goatee.”

Denise rushed at him again, but Randy and Dave were ready to block her. “I’ll kill you!”

“Enough!” said Tim. It was more authoritative than Stacy imagined his little voice could achieve. “We understand you’re upset. We’re all upset. None of us are who and what we’re supposed to be. Your anger is misdirected.”

“Well then give me a fuckin’ direction, ‘cause this shit’s comin’ out!”

“Tonight, we drink. Tomorrow, we set out to find our common enemy, Mordred.”

The End.