Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (16 page)

Chapter 19

Tim woke up with a start. His head had smacked against the car window. Through the windshield he could see the entrance to an Olive Garden.
Stacy!
How long had he been out? It couldn’t have been more than a couple of seconds… could it? He scanned the parking lot. There was no sign of Mordred’s car or Mordred. He opened the door as discreetly as he could and slipped out of Stacy’s car.

Staying close to parked cars for cover, Tim ran down each row of the parking lot, searching for the little hatchback with the busted rear windshield. Precisely zero cars in the lot matched that description. The place was pretty packed. It was possible Mordred might have parked over at the neighboring mall. Or maybe he was driving his parents’ car or something. He wouldn’t want to take his own piece of shit out on a blind date. Or maybe, just maybe, he’d finished whacking off and come to his senses, realizing just how sketchy this whole situation was.

Tim needed to check on Stacy. He scanned the parking lot one more time. Still no Mordred, but who was to say that fat bastard wasn’t staking the place out himself? Better to lean toward paranoia. Tim spotted a family of four approaching the restaurant that could just as easily be a family of five. He weaved his way between cars, stepping out into the open in stride with the family, close enough so that an observer would assume they were together, but just far enough away for the family to assume they were all walking to the same place coincidentally at the same time.
Urban stealth. Nice.

Once inside, Tim ditched his cover family and headed for the bar. A drink would have gone down nicely right about then, but he’d have to wait. The bar was crowded with lonely, balding men with polo shirts tucked into their Dockers. Stacy should have been easy to spot. She wasn’t there.

“Hey, sugar. Are you lost?”

Tim jumped and turned around. A chubby, ample-breasted Asian hostess was bent over him.

“Fuck off, lady. I’m looking for someone.”

The hostess stood up. Her face suggested that she would no longer be calling Tim ‘sugar’. Stacy was right. He was kind of an asshole.

“No one under twenty-one is allowed in the bar area.”

“I’m sorry,” said Tim, shuffling uncomfortably into the dining area under the hostess’s burning glare. Where the hell was Stacy? Had he slept that long? Had Mordred already come and taken her away? He felt his heartbeat start to quicken.

Doing his best to stay out of sight, Tim ducked around corners and behind decorative wine barrels as he searched the restaurant, section by section. It was slow going, and he picked up more than a couple of stares from customers who thankfully weren’t Mordred. He needed a better vantage point.

Leaning back against a waiter station, Tim found exactly what he needed. A recently abandoned booth next to a partition. The tablecloth would offer him cover as he searched one section, and then he’d be able to hop onto the seat and peek over the partition to search an even bigger section. He grabbed a menu and held it up as if he was reading it.

Tim took a deep breath. Now or never. Staying hidden behind the menu, he made a break for his strategically located table, right into the path of an approaching waiter.

“Jesus, kid!” said the waiter, stumbling over Tim and only barely managing to hold on to his tray. “Watch where you’re going.”

“Sorry!” Tim squeaked without looking away from the menu. His stealth was failing him. He was making a spectacle of himself. He hurried under the table and peeked out from behind the table cloth. The opposite row of booths were all occupied, but none of them with Mordred or Stacy. Even better, nobody was looking back at him.

Tim’s stomach grumbled. Arby’s had been some time ago, and the food in here actually smelled pretty good. He reached up and pawed around until his hand found something soft and moist. He brought it under the table. A half-eaten breadstick. Not being too proud a man, he shoved it into his mouth. Fucking delicious. If memory served, there were still two more untouched breadsticks in a basket. He felt around with his hand. He splattered a bit of marinara and knocked over a wine glass before he finally found the basket.

He’d gobbled down one breadstick and half of another when the tablecloth was pulled back.

“Can I help you?” It was the waiter Tim had nearly tripped. His tone suggested that he didn’t intend to be very helpful at all.

“I dropped a contact lens,” said Tim through a mouthful of bread.

“Wait right here,” said the waiter. He walked off toward the front of the restaurant. “Maggie, there’s some kid stealing food from off the tables in section five. He looks homeless.”

“I know exactly who you’re talking about!” said a voice that Tim recognized. “Do you know what that little prick
said
to me?”

Fuck.

Tim dashed out from under the table to the far end of the double-row of booths. He got quite a few more stares than he was comfortable with, but at least none of them were –

Mordred!

He and Stacy were at a little table next to a window. Tim reflected that it might have been a better idea to peek in the windows before actually entering the restaurant. Thankfully, Mordred’s back was to him, but Stacy looked right at him. Her eyes went wide and she choked on her drink.

Mordred started to turn, presumably wondering what had just spooked Stacy so badly. Tim dove behind a wine barrel.

“Are you okay?” asked Mordred.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Stacy, catching her breath. “I just choked on my drink. You said something really funny… about AIDS?”

What the fuck?

“IEDs,” said Mordred. “Improvised explosive devices.”

“That’s the one.”

“Right!” said Mordred. “So the party spent about thirty minutes checking for traps on the door, but what they didn’t know was that the bandits had rigged up little mines all over the dungeon floor!”

“Those stupid fuckers!” Stacy’s laughter was obnoxiously loud, like a horse being tickled. Strangely enough, it seemed genuine. How much had she had to drink?

Mordred laughed like an asthmatic pig. “I’m so happy you came and met me here. I’m really having a nice time.”

“Me, too,” said Stacy. Again, she sounded troublingly sincere. Tim felt little pangs of what might have been jealousy nibble at his insides. Or maybe he was just still hungry.

“If you’ll excuse me,” said Mordred. “I need to use the restroom.”

Perfect.

“Wait!” said Stacy, a hint of panic in her voice. “Before you go, answer a question for me, would you?”

“Of course!”

“What’s your favorite C&C race?”

What the fuck kind of question was that? Why wouldn’t she just let him go for a piss so that Tim could get the hell out of there? It was almost as if she was intentionally…
Tim looked up at the wall behind him. Right next to him was a door which read “MEN”.

Shit.

Tim needed a distraction. There was too much ground to cover between himself and the front entrance. Mordred would spot him for sure if he got up.

The waiter whose path Tim had crossed a few minutes ago was approaching Mordred and Stacy’s table with a large tray. Tim grabbed a pepper shaker from off the top of the wine barrel and unscrewed the lid until it was almost completely off.

“I’ve always been partial to elves,” said Mordred. “They’re a reflection of how I see myself. Proud, strong, and noble, yet gentle enough to –”

Tim stood up and hurled the pepper shaker as hard as he could, hitting the waiter square in the temple.

“Wha!” said the waiter. The tray, along with Mordred and Stacy’s dinner, crashed to the floor. The three of them were engulfed in a cloud of pepper.

“Oh my God!” cried Stacy. “It’s in my eyes!”

“I can’t see!” cried Mordred.

With the entire restaurant focused on them, Tim walked casually to the front of the restaurant and out the door.

“IED,” he said to himself. “Thanks for the idea, Mordred.”

Chapter 20

Katherine flapped as hard as she could, but she wasn’t gaining on Ginfizzle at all. He swooped around trees, and over and under branches, constantly and haphazardly changing directions. It was all Katherine could do just to keep up. Both of them, however, were getting farther and farther away from Cooper. The sound of him crashing through the forest behind them had faded away to nothing.

There was no point in catching Ginfizzle if Cooper wasn’t there to bag him. All they’d be able to do is beat the shit out of one another until they both needed to feed again. In her as yet brief experience as a vampire, Katherine wasn’t fully aware of all of her own weaknesses. In the event that Ginfizzle, being from a place where vampires exist, should be more knowledgeable about such things, Katherine felt safer with Cooper to back her up.

“Fuck you!” she tried to shout at Ginfizzle, but it only came out as a high-pitched squeal, giving her a sharp mental image of the surrounding pine trees. She turned around to go and find Cooper.

She was fortunate she discontinued the chase when she did. When she finally found Cooper, he had slowed down to a jog, but was headed in the wrong direction. Stupid as he was, he couldn’t be faulted for this one. As much as Ginfizzle had been twisting and turning, it was a wonder that Katherine was able to find Cooper at all. She swooped down to meet him.

When Cooper saw her, he cocked back a fist.

Huh?
Katherine hovered a safe distance out of Cooper’s punching range.

“Which one are you?” he panted out.

Oh, right.

Katherine changed into her half-elf form. Cooper collapsed face-first into the dirt and farted like a deflating balloon.

“Come on, Cooper,” said Katherine. “We can’t give up now. He’s hurt, and we’re right on top of him!”

“I’m fucking exhausted,” said Cooper. “I haven’t slept in like two days.” He closed his eyes. “I… can’t… run… one… more… single… fucking… step.” He looked as though he was forcing himself to stay awake long enough to finish the sentence.

“Then I’ll carry you.”

Cooper grunted out a hollow laugh and opened one eye. “How are you going to fight a vampire with a sleeping half-orc in your arms?”

“Who said anything about using my arms?” Katherine decided it was time to try out a new form. She’d seen Millard do it, so she knew she had the power inside her. She focused her mind. Like a bat, only bigger.

Instead of shrinking as her body changed, this time she grew. She could feel the muscles and bones stretch thin as her arms elongated. Her fingers grew at twice the speed, stretching the skin between them into great webbed wings. Her thumbs didn’t grow, but their nails grew into thick, hooked claws. Coarse bristles of black fur burst out of every pore of her skin.

When the transformation was done, Katherine stood uncomfortably on feet that weren’t made for standing. She looked down at Cooper. He looked so little now. She let out a roaring screech, like a lion going through puberty. Compared to her normal bat form, the mental picture echolocating in her mind right now was positively HiDef.

Cooper opened his eyes and looked at her. He sat bolt upright. “Jesus, I’m awake! No, wait… am I awake?” He slapped himself repeatedly in the face. “Wake up, God damn you! Wake up!”

Katherine flapped her enormous, black wings, lifting herself off the ground and creating a cloud of dirt and fallen leaves. She hovered over Cooper and opened her giant, clawed feet.

Cooper stood up. “Katherine?”

Katherine screeched again, making a token effort to try not to be terrifying. From the look on Cooper’s face, she hadn’t succeeded.

“I think I’ve got a second wind,” said Cooper, starting to jog.

They didn’t have time to goof around. Katherine swooped down and grabbed Cooper by the shoulders. Flapping with all of her supernatural might, shaking the surrounding trees, she lifted Cooper off of the ground. Once she knew it was possible, it became easier. She climbed through the air and erupted out of the treetops.

“FUCK YES!” said Cooper, who had obviously reconsidered his feelings about being grabbed by a giant bat.

Katherine beat her wings harder, climbing farther up into the night, until the area below her resembled a map. The air was thinner up here, which meant she had to flap harder, but it was also refreshingly cooler, which was worth some extra flapping. The lights in the distance to her right would be Biloxi. She could even recognize a few of the casinos from here. Straight ahead of her was D’Iberville, as evidenced by Target, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and the Olive Garden.

She looked down to try to pinpoint where she had broken off her chase with Ginfizzle. It was hard to say. Down below was nothing but trees. She made her best guess and flew down for a closer look. The tree cover was thick, but broken frequently enough by creeks, country roads, and developed property, that Ginfizzle should have been easy enough to spot soon enough.

“There!” said Cooper, pointing his big gun down at a seemingly innocuous patch of forest. A little farther along, a dog raced across a road like it had just seen the devil himself. It was just an ordinary black lab. As far as she knew, vampires didn’t have the ability to turn into domestic breeds of dog, and this one was too small to be a – And then she saw it. The biggest wolf she’d ever seen in her life exploded out from the trees, not even touching the road as it bounded across in one stride and grabbed the lab by the back like a golden retriever might grab a duck. It was a monster of a wolf. Katherine guessed it was even bigger than a horse. She’d have to remember this for her own repertoire.

The lab gave a brief cry of pain before the giant wolf clamped its jaws together and shook its head. Katherine plunged down while the wolf lapped up the dead dog’s blood. It would be a challenge to stuff an animal this big into the Bag of Holding, but if they could get close enough without being detected, well… they’d cross that bridge when they came to it.

A gunshot rang out. Bark exploded off the trunk of a pine tree about ten feet away from the wolf.

Goddammit, Cooper.

The startled wolf looked up at them, teeth bared and muzzle covered in blood.

Katherine, unable to reprimand Cooper the conventional way, let out a frustrated shriek.

“I’m sorry!” said Cooper. “It’s hard to aim when you’re holding my arms!”

Ginfizzle growled but chose to dart off into the woods again rather than stay and fight.

Katherine descended the rest of the way to the site of the carnage, letting go of Cooper a good ten feet before she touched the ground herself.

“Fuck!” said Cooper as he fell. When he crashed to the ground, the gun went off.

Shit!
She had only meant to give him a little payback for being stupid. She hadn’t meant to make him shoot himself. She morphed back into a half-elf.

“Cooper! Are you okay?”

Cooper stood up and patted himself down. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m not hurt.”

Katherine punched him in the face.

“What the fuck was that for!” said Cooper.

“We almost had him!” cried Katherine. “All you had to do was keep quiet for a few more seconds!”

“Well we’re still right on his ass,” said Cooper. “Why did you stop?”

“Damage control,” said Katherine. It was only a half truth. She wasn’t about to let the rest of that fresh, warm blood go to waste. She got down on her hands and knees and sucked on one of the gaping wounds Ginfizzle had left in the dog, gulping down the hot, salty liquid. When she’d had her fill, she picked the dog up and smashed its head into the tree Cooper had shot. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, then licked the blood off like a cat cleaning herself.

She turned to Cooper. “Ready?”

Cooper stared back at her, dead-eyed and open-mouthed. If she didn’t know any better, Katherine would have sworn the gun stuffed down the front of his pants had two barrels.

“You keep that in your pants, understand?” said Katherine.

Cooper nodded. It was hard to make out in the dark, but she thought he might have been blushing.
Fucking weirdo.
She turned into a giant bat again, picked up Cooper, and continued the chase.

Ginfizzle wasn’t hard to spot now that Katherine knew what she was looking for and had narrowed his location down a more specific area. She followed a path of shaking trees, barking dogs, and the occasional human scream. He was running faster than she could fly. If it came down to it, she could ditch Cooper and take on the form of a big wolf herself, but she hoped that, if she could chase him out onto Promenade Parkway, he might get hit by a truck or something.

No such luck. Ginfizzle had obviously learned his lesson about traffic safety when he got hit by a car earlier that evening. He stopped just short of the busy four lane road. The two deer which were running away from him weren’t so road savvy.

An SUV, no doubt distracted by the massive wolf running out of the forest, didn’t even try to brake before plowing right into one of the deer. The other deer was narrowly missed by a red pick-up truck, which swerved across the center line into oncoming traffic. Tires screeched. Cars on both sides of the parkway crashed into one another, but with a twenty-five mile-per-hour speed limit, Katherine guessed that everyone but that first deer would be walking away. Ginfizzle jumped on top of the stopped cars as he crossed over into the Dick’s Sporting Goods parking lot.

Most of the motorists were too shocked to scream. They merely pointed and stared at the giant wolf running rampant through their city. They managed to find their voices, however, when Katherine and Cooper flew past them. Their screams screwed with her echolocation, and she began to get disoriented.

“Take that, you hairy son of a bitch!” shouted Cooper, firing off three shots as Katherine lost control of where she was flying. They crashed into a lamp post and fell to the hard, unforgiving concrete.

Katherine took on her half-elven form and stood up. Judging by the darkened Olive Garden sign raining down a shower of sparks across the street and the blaring car alarm in the Dick’s Sporting Goods parking lot, she guessed she could account for at least two of Cooper’s shots.

“What the fuck just happened?” said Cooper. “Did you get high on that dog blood?”

Katherine lifted Cooper off the ground by the throat and slammed him into the side of a parked van. Her voice shook as she spoke. “I just want to rip your stupid face off!”

“Wha?” Cooper croaked through his collapsing trachea.

Katherine let him go and snatched the gun out of his hand. She waved it in his face. “I thought I told you to keep this in your pants!”

Cooper took a few deep breaths. “Oh,” he laughed shallowly. “You meant the gun.”

“Are you fucking retarded!” shouted Katherine. She threw the gun through the windshield of a nearby car. “WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I MEAN?”

“I thought you meant… um… Hey, where’s Jizzfiddle?”

A series of screams came out of the sporting goods store. Katherine looked in that direction. Two soccer moms were sitting on the pavement outside the store next to their overturned shopping bags, like they had just been pushed over.

Katherine and Cooper looked at each other. “Dick’s!”