Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (12 page)

Chapter 14

Stacy: Hello? Is this Mordred? Or am I supposed to call you Cavern Master?

“How’s that for an opener?” asked Chaz. He leaned back as far as he could, which wasn’t very far, so the others could see the computer screen. The Chicken Hut office was barely larger than a walk-in closet, definitely not enough room for half a dozen people, most of whom smelled like varying degrees of Cooper.

“I would never say that,” said Stacy.

“I don’t like it,” said Tim. “It could be interpreted as snarky, like you’re making fun of him.”

“What if you put a heart behind it?” asked Julian.

“I would absolutely never do that,” said Stacy.

“Uh-uh,” said Tim. “Too forward. You’ve got to reel him in like a big game fish.”

“A wink?” said Julian.

“Nope,” said Stacy.

“Definitely better than a heart,” said Tim. “A wink might just be friendly, or it might be more. But I still don’t like the wording. Maybe change the ‘am I supposed to’ to ‘should’?”

“Okay,” said Chaz. He deleted the whole thing and retyped it.

Hello? Is this Mordred? Or should I call you Cavern Master? *wink*

“How’s that?”

“It’s stupid!” said Stacy. “It reads like the first line of a low-budget porno.”

“That’s kind of the point,” said Chaz. “We’re trying to seduce him, right?” The repulsive task of trying to seduce some fat, sweaty dork was made all the more so by everyone second-guessing his approach.

“You don’t have to seduce him,” said Stacy. “He’s a guy. Just give him enough rope, and he’ll try to seduce you.”

“Oh that’s good,” said Tim. “Make him think it’s all his idea, and she’s just falling for his wily charm. I like it.”

“Thank you,” said Stacy.

“So, I should drop the wink?”

“Who’s Morded?” asked Professor Goosewaddle. His head was practically in Chaz’s crotch as he tried to look at the monitor. “What is this magical device?”

“I think it sounds fine just the way it is,” said Randy. “Course, I ain’t allowed on social media anymore, as per the terms of my probation.”

“Thank you, Randy,” said Chaz. “Where’s the bird? Maybe he wants to weigh in?”

“Ravenus is outside,” said Julian. “I can go and get him if you like. He always gets so excited when someone asks his opinion.”

“I like the wink,” said Dennis. “I think you should keep it.”

“I don’t give a fuck what you think,” said Chaz. It came out harsher than he meant it to, but all these people were driving him nuts.

“Oh right,” said Dennis. “What do I know what a man wants?” His voice choked. “I’m not a man anymore!” he sobbed. He pushed his way out of the room. “Excuse me.”

“Julian,” said Tim. “Go keep an eye on him.”

“Two down,” Chaz murmured to himself. “Hey Professor. You mind giving me some space?”

“Why not just start with ‘Hello’?” said Stacy. “See where it goes from there. Let him lead the conversation.”

“I liked the ‘or should I call you Cavern Master’ bit,” said Tim. “It plays into his whole power thing.”

“You can still use it,” said Stacy, “if it comes up naturally.”

Tim shrugged. “Fine.”

Chaz deleted everything except for the word ‘Hello’. “Agreed.”

“I still think you ought to put some kind of smiley at the end,” said Randy. “You never know what little gesture might brighten up a person’s day.”

Chaz pressed the ‘Enter’ key.

Stacy: Hello.

Tim let out a shallow laugh. “You’re really pushing the limits of that high Charisma score.”

“Maybe if I didn’t have a million people giving me conflicting advice and a hairy old gnome trying to blow me, I could –” The computer speaker beeped.

Mordred: Greetings and salutations! *wink*

“What a fucking loser,” said Tim.

“Astounding!” said Professor Goosewaddle. “The magic box responded! It’s like a fixed portal to another world.” He climbed onto Chaz’s lap and waved his arms. “Hello! Who’s in there?”

“He can’t see you,” said Chaz.

“What if I put my hand through and waved?” Before Chaz could stop him, he shoved the monitor. It fell over backwards. “I’m so sorry.”

“Can somebody get him out of here?” said Chaz.

“Come on, Professor,” said Stacy. “Let’s take a walk. We’ll let the love doctors practice their art.”

Finally, Chaz had some room to breathe. “What should I say next?”

“Do the ‘should I call you Cavern Master’ line,” said Tim.

“And add the wink this time,” said Randy.

“Why not?” said Tim. “Mordred already did.”

Stacy: Is this Mordred? Or should I call you Cavern Master? *wink*

Mordred: You can call me whatever you like, baby. Just as long as you call me. *wink* *wink* *heart* LOL

This was so sad and embarrassing.

“Is he fucking with us?” asked Tim. “Is our cover blown?”

“I don’t know,” said Chaz. “I think he’s buying it.”

“Hurry up. Ask him about the game.”

Stacy: I saw your ad for a Caverns and Creatures match.

“What the hell does that mean?” asked Tim.

“Shut up,” said Chaz. “I’m playing dumb, giving him a chance to
educate
me.”

“No way. He’s never going to –”

Mordred: Have you ever played Caverns and Creatures before?

Stacy: No *blush*

Mordred: So you’re a C&C virgin?

Chaz clapped his hands triumphantly. “And the sexual innuendo begins.”

“I don’t know,” said Tim. “He said the same thing to Julian the night we met him. You’d better egg him on a little more.”

Stacy: Hey now! Wouldn’t you like to know! *wink*

Mordred: Only if you’d like to tell. *wink*

“He types pretty fast with one hand,” said Chaz.

“Yeah,” said Tim. “This is starting to make me sick. Try and talk about the game some more.”

Stacy: A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.

Mordred: You can tell the Cavern Master. *wink*

“Jesus,” said Tim. “Is he really trying to leverage his Cavern Master status for sex chat?”

“This is embarrassing,” said Chaz.

“I kinda feel bad for the guy,” said Randy.

“I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

Stacy: *wink* *wink* *wink*

“Ask him about the game!” said Tim. “Come on, before he blows his load.”

Stacy: So how about the game?

Mordred: I have a session this coming Thursday. I have three players already signed up. I’m looking for one more.

Stacy: So you have an opening I can fill?

“Dude!” said Tim. “Too far!”

Mordred: I’ve got more than one. *wink*

“Ugh,” said Tim. “I don’t even want to know what the implications behind that are.”

Randy cleared his throat. “I think he may have been referring to his –”

“I said I don’t want to know!”

Mordred: The rules are a little tricky the first few times you play. Lot’s of dice and statistics and math. Everyone else at the table will be veteran players.

“What the hell is this?” said Chaz. “He shot his wad and now he’s trying to discourage Stacy from playing?”

“Impossible,” said Tim. “That might be the case if Stacy was ugly. But Mordred isn’t going to shoo away a girl this far out of his league. I don’t think he shot his wad just yet. Play along. Act like you’re starting to have second thoughts.”

“But –”

“Just do it. I think I know where he’s going with this.”

Stacy: Oh… That sounds hard.

Mordred: *wink*

“Ew!” said Tim. “Jesus, Mordred. You’re worse than Cooper.”

Mordred: Would you be interested in meeting beforehand? I could run you through the basics. We could even make a character together.

“Yikes,” said Chaz. “I seriously hope that’s not innuendo.”

Stacy: When/Where did you have in mind?

Mordred: Are you free right now? Maybe we could grab a bite to eat?

Chaz looked at Tim, who nodded his head excitedly.

Stacy: I am kind of hungry.

Mordred: Where do you live? I’ll pick you up.

“Damn,” said Tim. “That’s no good. Play it cautious. That will sell the story better anyway.”

Chaz bit his lower lip as he considered what he wanted to say.

Stacy: I’m sorry, but I don’t know you. (Can’t be too careful! *wink*) Maybe we could meet in a public place?

Tim rubbed his hands together. “Perfect.”

Mordred: Where do you want to meet?

Stacy: You choose.

“What the hell did you say that for?” said Tim.

“What?” said Chaz. “I thought we were trying to let him feel like he’s the one in charge.”

“He just gave us the perfect opportunity to choose a strategic venue! Remote, high visibility from a distance, limited routes to and from, those sorts of things.

“Wait,” said Chaz. “So what’s the plan here? You’re not trying to use Stacy as bait, are you? We’re just going to set up a meeting, and then rush in and grab him when he turns up, right?”

“Out in public? That’s too dangerous. Too many things could go wrong. I was thinking Stacy could get Mordred to take her back to his place, and we follow them.”

“That sounds like a
less
dangerous plan to you?” said Randy.

“We need to sneak into his house,” said Tim. “If we try to confront him out in the open, he might summon the Horsemen, and then we’ll all be fucked.”

“Shouldn’t we at least run this plan by Stacy?” asked Chaz.

“Pfft,” said Tim. “She’ll be thrilled to be a part of it. What’s taking him so long?”

“He’s probably never had a date before,” said Chaz. “He’s toiling about where to take her.”

“That makes sense,” said Tim. “Ten bucks says he settles on Olive Garden.”

“No way,” said Chaz. “Give the guy a little credit, huh?”

“Hmph,” said Tim. “Make it twenty.”

“I’ll take that action.”

Mordred: Do you know the Olive Garden in D’Iberville?

Chaz hung his head. “What a fucking loser. I’ll have to owe you that twenty. I left my wallet in my other body.”

“I like Olive Garden,” said Randy. “Them breadsticks is good.”

“Ha ha ha!” said Tim, repeatedly punching Chaz on the arm. “That’s right near the Arby’s we went to before! He’s got to live right around there!”

Stacy: Ooh, Olive Garden! My favorite.

“Easy on the sarcasm, dude,” said Tim.

Stacy: How’s 9:00?

Mordred: Fantastic!

Stacy: See you there. *wink* *heart*

“Jesus,” said Chaz, pushing the keyboard away from him and leaning back in the chair. “I think I need a shower.”

“You did great,” said Tim. “Nice work.” He leaned out of the office door. “Stacy, can you come back here for a minute?” He came back inside, grabbed a pack of cigarettes out of a desk drawer, and lit one up.

“What’s up?” said Stacy, poking her head through the doorway.

“I’ll tell you what’s up,” said Tim. He raised an eyebrow and pointed at her. “You’ve got a date tonight, baby!”

“Aw honey, that’s sweet,” said Stacy, smiling sympathetically down at Tim. “But maybe we should wait until you get back to your real body? It’s just kinda weird this way.”

Randy snorted, then quickly covered his mouth.

Tim exhaled two columns of smoke from his nostrils. “I wasn’t talking about with me. You’ve got a date with Mordred. Olive Garden. Nine O’clock.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”

Randy failed to contain a stream of chubby man-giggles.

Tim frowned. “I honestly thought you’d be more receptive to this.”

“
Receptive?
” said Stacy. “To the idea of hooking up with your fat, sadistic loser friend?”

“You don’t have to hook up with him,” said Tim. “You just need to get him to bring you back to his place. We’ll take care of the rest.”

“What!” said Stacy. “That’s worse than the fucking Olive Garden!”

“What do you folks have against the Olive Garden?” asked Randy. “They make a good salad.”

Stacy put her hands on her hips and leaned down until she was nose to nose with Tim. “Do you know what I did to the last guy who took me to the Olive Garden?”

Tim swallowed hard. He appeared to be having a hard time not looking down her shirt. “What?”

Stacy sliced the air in front of Tim’s face horizontally with her index finger. “Nothin’.”

Tim nodded. “Your point is well made.”

Stacy stood up straight and turned to Chaz. “Get out of that chair. Let me see how bad you idiots have maligned my reputation.”