Coveted (9 page)

“Mama why? Why did you try and do it alone?”

She looked away from me and I can see the tears threatening to spill.

“Because he was married and I didn’t want to ruin his family. I was ashamed of myself and of what we did. We never should have happened, but he needed me at the time. I do not know if you can understand that or not, but it felt good to be needed.”

I look at my mom and try to envision what it must have been like for her at 18 years of age with a sense of wanting to be needed and to belong to someone.

“I think you’re old enough now to know what really happened between your father and me, and why I want you to reconsider getting to know him and his family.”

I look at her and wonder do I really want to hear her story. Deep down I know I probably won’t seek out my father, but to appease her, I listen.

“
It was 1983 in New York City. I met your dad when I was 18, my 18
^th
birthday as a matter of fact. A couple of us went out to celebrate at a restaurant and there was this guy. He was nice, dark and handsome. I was immediately captured by his presence so I went over to say hello, and from there my life is forever changed.

“
I walked over to the handsome guy sitting at the table alone with his beer. ‘Either you’re having a bad day or you just haven’t had the pleasure of meeting me yet.’ He glanced up at me, and by the look in his eyes, I could tell that he was barely hanging on by a thread. I sat next to him and looked him right in his eyes and said ’Whatever it is can’t be as bad as all that.’

“
He responded ’I look that bad huh?’ I told him ’Well actually for a guy that looks like he just lost his best friend, you look kind of good to me. Just a little down is all.’ I held out my hand for him to shake. I smiled and told him my name and that it was my birthday.

“He returns my handshake and gave a slight smile. He told me his name was Kenneth and that it was a pleasure to meet me. ’How is your birthday going so far?’ he asked me. ‘Up until this moment it’s been rather dull. But now that I’ve met you I can say that it is definitely looking up,’ I told him.

“’Blanca was it?’ he inquired as he took yet another swig of beer. ‘I’m happy for you but I’m really not in the mood for company at the moment.

“I said to him, ‘Well Kenneth, I can tell that you need some fun. Something is obviously bothering you and how can you say no to the birthday girl? Come on I’ll let you buy me a drink since I’m too young. And who knows? After I finish showing you a good time, just maybe you won’t remember what was bothering you in the first place.’

“At the end of the night, Kenneth and I had downed so many drinks I could not even remember how old I was. That was the beginning of a year-long affair.”

My mother gazed off into the distance after her last statement, sighed, and then continued.

“
Oh Emeri, It was everything you could possibly imagine - passionate, understanding, loving, free.”

I had never seen my mama this way before. It is as if talking about my father took 20 years off her. I could almost see the young girl that she must have been.

“
Your dad used to come back and see me often. He lived in Maryland, you know. I knew he was married, but I was young and in love, I didn’t care. Until one weekend, I think, I had not heard from Kenneth for about a month, I decided that I was going to pay him a little visit, so I took a trip down to Maryland and went to his job to see him. Do you know he refused to see me?”

Her voice was beginning to waver and the tears, that had threatened to fall at first, are long gone replaced with a look that can only be described as fierce.

“
So I waited and followed him home and he was greeted at the front door by his wife and his two-year-old daughter. I was disgusted with the whole situation. Here, I finally got to see my competition and I couldn’t even blame him. He had a beautiful wife and his daughter was as cute as a button. I was more upset with myself than with him.”

So as you can imagine I’m sitting in my car observing this happy family reunion when it starts to dawn on me why should I let him have his cake and eat it too. I will never forget his reaction.”

“
As he and his family entered into the house, I could believe what I witnessed. How dare he not contact me in over a month and then refuse to see me after I drove all the way to Accokeek, Maryland. Who did he think he was?

“
I jumped out of my car and sprinted to the front door. I banged on the door with all my might. He had some nerve. Kenneth opens the door. When he saw me standing there, his face registered one of shock.

‘
Blanca, what the hell are you doing here?’ he asked. ’How dare you not call me in over a month? You have no idea what’s been going on with me because you do not return my calls.’ I shouted at him. He responded with ‘Woman, are you crazy? This is my house where my wife and child stay. You have overstepped your boundaries and need to leave.’”

“
I told him that I was not going anywhere until he knew what was going on with me. ‘You had the nerve to get me pregnant and now you just want me to leave. Hell no. You will talk to me’ I continued to yell at him.”

“’
You’re what?’ he said in disbelief. I kept shouting ’I’m sorry Kenneth, are you hard of hearing all of a sudden? I’m pregnant!’”

“
He calmly said to me ‘Hey Blanca, calm down. I had no idea.’”

“
I started to cry and with tears streaming down my face, I told him he wouldn’t have an idea I was pregnant and asked why he wouldn’t return my phone calls. ‘What did I do?’ I remember screaming at him.”

“
I remember his gaze softening as he spoke to me. ’Blanca you didn’t do anything. It is just that my wife and I have decided to try to get back on track and I wanted to give it my all. This means I had to let you go.’”

“’
You could have called me and said something, anything. I have never been so scared in my life. I have not told anyone that I am pregnant. My mother is probably going to kill me when she finds out.’ I protested. He respondss by saying, ’Blanca, I promise that I will take care of you and the baby. I will give you anything that you need at any time, but just promise me you will not tell my wife. I really want our relationship to work.’

“
I looked him dead in his eyes and knew that he meant it. Gone was that look that he had when I first met him. He did not need me any longer. I could see that. He had his family.

“
The last thing I said to him that day was, ‘I’m sorry that I came. This was a mistake. I hope that you and your wife are able to work out your differences.’”

She looked at me then and said, “That was the last time I ever saw your dad. He called me once to check and see how I was doing, and to see how the pregnancy was coming along. I told him that I miscarried so he was off the hook. I never heard from him again after that.”

I look up at her, “So you’re saying that my father doesn’t even know that I exist?”

“
That’s what I am saying to you.”

“
Mama why now? Why tell me at all?”

“
Because baby, it’s not fair that I have kept you to myself all these years. Reality is reality. I will not be here that much longer, and I do not want you to be alone, not when you do not have to be. Give your dad a chance; he is the innocent here. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him live his life in peace, but that was never fair to you. The decision is yours,” she says as she lays back and closes her eyes. I can tell that she is getting tired again. I move the photos and papers off her bed and put them back in the trunk.

I do not know what to think any more. I have a father that knows nothing about me out there, but I also have a sick mother here in front of me right now that needs me. I will worry about the rest later. I look down at my mother’s face and allow my tears to fall. I never let her see me cry. I am trying to be strong for the both of us. We will have to take it one day at a time. I never realized the importance of a minute until now. I lean down to place a kiss on my Mama’s forehead and silently leave the room.

Naima 8

I open my eyes slowly to the sound of peace and quiet, and what smells like homemade apple pie baking. I
slowly smile as I welcome the change that has taken place in my life. It has been two weeks since we moved into my parent’s home. Two weeks of waking up to quiet, and each time it feels better than the last.

My mom has been such an extreme help. I can tell that she loves having her grandchildren here. She has been known to be up at the crack of dawn, fixing a gigantic breakfast. I keep asking her who she is trying to feed…an army?

I glance at the clock and cannot believe that it is past 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. I really am relaxing on my motherly duties. I need to get up and get it together. Plus my mouth is watering. I want some pie!

“Hey Ma!” I say when I finally go downstairs and enter the kitchen, after taking a nice long bubble bath.

“
Hey baby,” she says as she leans her head in for the kiss I place on her cheek. “Did you enjoy your rest?”

“
I sure did,” I tell her. “But Ma you have really got to stop letting me do that. I do not want the children to be a burden on you. They are my responsibility.”

“
Chile’ please. You know I love looking after my grandbabies. Now you just take that nonsense you speaking elsewhere.”

I look at her and laugh then take a glance at the pie cooling on the stove.

“
I see you over there, eyeballing my pie and practically drooling. Don’t you touch it either you hear? That is for dessert tonight.”

My mom knows me entirely too well, because I sure was about to cut a slice.

I turn my head and give her a mischievous grin.

“
Okay Ma you win, this time. Where are Namiyah and Kalani?”

“
Your dad took them out fishing. They all left about six this morning.”

“
Fishing!” I said growing immediately alarmed. “You don’t think Kalani is too little for that? He likes to move around a lot. I don’t want him falling out of the boat and drowning or something.”

“
Baby you know your dad will not let anything happen to Kalani. Now stop worrying and take a load off. Go do something with yourself.”

I know what that means; she’s had enough of me worrying her to death and wants me to leave her alone. Which is fine, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I decide to go back upstairs and do some work. I do after all have to plan Mr. Collins - I mean Damir’s - birthday party and I have been kind of slacking off on it for a while. There is no time like the present to be productive.

I go and grab my purse, looking for my cell to give Camille a call. When I grab it, Damir’s business card falls out. I wonder what he would say if I decided to give him a call. I am feeling somewhat flirty and decide to make that move.

As I am dialing his number, I get nervous and hang up. What am I thinking? I cannot just call him out of the clear blue sky. He will think I am some weird psycho or something. Then again, he did say that he would be awaiting my call.

I refuse to punk out. I pick up my cell and this time I dial all of the numbers and wait for the phone to ring.

He answers on the second ring.

“
Damir speaking.”

I almost dropped the phone. He sounded so delicious - like hot fudge dripping over a vanilla sundae - and all I wanted to do was scoop him up with a spoon. Mmmmmmmm.

“
Damir speaking,” he said again. I noticed that I was just breathing on his phone.

“
Uh, hi this is Naima Vaughn. I apologize for calling so unexpectedly. I came across your business card and decided to give you a call.”

“
Naima Vaughn, what an unexpected pleasure to hear from you today.”

“
I thought maybe we could talk about your party.”

“
Is that why you called? Or is that an excuse to avoid saying what you really want to say?”

Damn, he is very direct and straightforward. Since he called me out, I decide to own up to it.

“
Okay, Mr. Collins you caught me. I know it is unprofessional to call a client to engage in unrelated personal conversation, but I wanted to talk to you. So here I am talking to you but not really saying much,” I say as I give a nervous laugh.

“
The conversation does feel rather forced does it not? So let me offer a solution. I was about to cook dinner, but now that I am talking to you I feel more like dining out. How would you feel about accompanying me to dinner tonight?”