Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (31 page)

—
Forgiveness
is releasing your resentment, releasing your right to hear “I’m sorry” or your right to get even. Forgiveness is as much about you as your offender. It removes from you the weight of resentment, freeing you to live a life of joy and peace.

Misconceptions abound when the word
forgiveness
is mentioned. Some think forgiveness is
excusing
sin and
saying
that what was wrong is now right. Well, that is totally wrong!

—
Forgiveness is not
the same as reconciliation. It takes two for reconciliation, only one for forgiveness.

—
Forgiveness is not
letting the guilty off the hook. It is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook.

—
Forgiveness is not
being a weak martyr. It is being strong enough to be Christlike.

—
Forgiveness is not
based on what is fair. It was not fair for Jesus to hang on the cross, but He did so that we could be forgiven.

—
God commands
that we forgive each other (Ephesians 4:32).

—
God wants
us to forgive others because He forgives us (Colossians 3:13).

—
God wants
us to see unforgiveness as sin (James 4:17).

—
God wants
us to get rid of unforgiveness and have a heart of mercy (Matthew 5:7).

—
God wants
us to do our part to live in peace with everyone (Romans 12:18).

—
God wants
us to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

—
God wants
us to be ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-19).

Notice the word
forgiveness
has the little word
give
in it. When you choose to forgive, you
give
someone a
gift
—freedom from having to pay the penalty for offending you. Because this can be a difficult gift to give, realize you are also giving yourself a gift—the gift of grudge-free living. That is true freedom!

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself”

(L
EVITICUS
19:18).

You must face the truth of what actually happened and not hinder true healing with rationalizations and false thinking.

—
Don’t minimize the offense:
“No matter how badly he treats me, it’s okay.” Bad treatment of any kind is never okay (Ephesians 5:11).

—
Don’t excuse the offender’s behavior:
“He doesn’t mean to hurt me. I shouldn’t feel upset with him—he’s family!” No matter the age of the offender or our relationship, we need to call sin what it is and face the truth instead of trying to change it. There must first be a
guilty
party in order to have someone to forgive (Proverbs 24:24).

—
Don’t assume quick forgiveness is full forgiveness:
²
“As soon as that horrendous ordeal occurred, I forgave him.” Many well-intentioned people feel guilty if they don’t extend immediate forgiveness, so they “forgive” quickly. They have neither faced the full impact of the offense nor grieved over what happened. Rarely is the full impact of sin felt at the moment it occurs. Rather, its impact is felt at different levels over a period of time. Therefore, forgiveness needs to be extended at each stage (see Psalm 51:6).

Anger or even hatred toward an offender needs to be brought up out of the basement of our souls and dealt with. However, not all hatred is wrong.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…a time to love and a time to hate”

(E
CCLESIASTES
3:1,8).

Failing to feel the offense results in…

—
Denying pain:
“I don’t blame her for always criticizing me…it didn’t really hurt me.”

Truth:
Being mistreated is painful. Feeling the pain must take place before healing can occur (Psalm 34:18).

—
Carrying false guilt:
“I feel guilty if I hate what was done to me.”

Truth:
God hates sin; if you are godly you, too, will hate sin (Proverbs 8:13).

You are called by God to forgive. And when you do, genuine forgiveness draws you to the heart of God, and your life takes on the divine character of Christ.

Argument:
“I don’t feel like forgiving.”

Answer:
Forgiveness is not a feeling, but an act of will—a choice. Jesus said:

“When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins”

(M
ARK
11:25).

Argument:
“I can forgive everyone else, but God knows I don’t have the power to forgive __________.”

Answer:
The issue is not your power, but God’s power within you.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness”

(2 P
ETER
1:3).

Argument:
“Forgiveness doesn’t seem fair.”

Answer:
Forgiveness isn’t about fairness. God knows how to deal with each person fairly—and He will, in His own time.

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”

(R
OMANS
12:19).

Argument:
“I have forgiven, but he keeps doing the same thing over and over.”

Answer:
You cannot control what others do, but you can control
how you respond
to what others do. Jesus said you are to respond with forgiveness no matter the number of times you are wronged.

“Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’”

(M
ATTHEW
18:21-22).

Argument:
“I cannot forgive and forget. I keep thinking about being hurt.”
⁴

Answer:
When you choose to forgive, you don’t get “holy amnesia.” After facing your hurt and confronting the offender, you must willfully close your mind to rehearsing the pain of the past. Refuse to focus on your hurt.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus”

(P
HILIPPIANS
3:13-14).

Relationships filled with resentment ultimately perish, and relationships filled with forgiveness ultimately prevail. However, reconciliation in a relationship—the restoration of oneness—is contingent on several vital factors:

— Has your offender taken responsibility for the wrong? (Proverbs 28:13).

— Is your offender being totally truthful? (Proverbs 11:3).

— Does your offender have worldly or godly sorrow? (2 Corinthians 7:10-11).

When certain conditions are met—with both parties committed to
honesty in the relationship
—there is real hope for oneness of mind and heart.
⁵
Amos 3:3 says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”

Now, sometimes encouraging reconciliation isn’t wise, as with…

— a rapist or the two involved in adultery; 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”

— a husband whose anger is out of control. The wife needs to move out of harm’s way until he willingly receives counseling with lasting changes clearly evident in his lifestyle. Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not associate with one easily angered.”

— Make a list of all the offender’s offenses—they are your “rocks” of resentment.

— Imagine a hook attached to your neck.

— Imagine a burlap bag filled with those heavy rocks hanging from the hook.

— Imagine carrying the weight from these burdens everywhere.

— Ask, “Do I really want to carry all this pain the rest of my life?” (Obviously not!)

— Now take your offender and the offenses off your emotional hook and put all the pain and this person onto God’s hook. The Lord knows how to handle it all, in His time and in His way. Deuteronomy 32:35 says, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.”

Lord Jesus,

Thank You for caring about how much my heart has been hurt.

You know the pain I have felt because of (
list every offense
). Right now I release all that pain into Your hands. Thank You, Lord, for dying on the cross for me and extending Your forgiveness to me. As an act of my will, I choose to forgive (
name
).

Today, I move (
name
) off my emotional hook to Your hook.

I refuse all thoughts of revenge.

I trust that in Your time and in Your way You will deal with my offender as You see fit. And Lord, thank You for giving me Your power to forgive so I can be set free. In Your precious name I pray. Amen.

Jesus would never tell you to forgive and love your enemies
without empowering you to do it.

—JH

Proverbs 17:9

Matthew 5:23-24,44

Matthew 6:14-15

Matthew 18:21-22

Luke 6:37

Romans 12:17-19

Hebrews 12:15

Ephesians 4:32

Colossians 3:13

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Dysfunctional Family, Evil and Suffering…Why?, Fear, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Hope, Identity, Marriage, Reconciliation, Salvation, Self-worth, Worry
.