Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (14 page)

— How you became preoccupied with the relationship.

— How did you start neglecting yourself and start focusing on taking care of the other person?

— How did you come to expect that person to meet all your needs?

Conclude by answering…

— How did you start neglecting God…when did you stop relying on Him?

— Realize how ready the Lord has been to make you fruitful.

— How has each relationship replicated your painful childhood experiences?

— How were you mistreated in the relationship, and how did you react?

— How does the relationship impact you today?

Conclude by answering…

— How is God replacing—or wanting to replace—your self-destructive patterns with constructive, healthy, holy patterns?

— Realize how ready the Lord is to “reparent” you to meet your deepest needs and heal your deepest hurts.

— How you experienced fear, envy, jealousy, abandonment, and anger in the relationship.

— How you assigned a higher priority to each person than to everything else.

— How you made them the focus of your thought life.

Conclude by answering…

— How you can appropriate “the mind of Christ” to overcome destructive feelings and live out of your resources in Christ.

— Realize how ready the Lord has been to give you His thinking.

— How do you feel about each person and the relationship now?

— How has your perspective changed?

— How did things, people, and circumstances become factors in changing your perspective?

Conclude by answering…

— How has God been involved in changing your perspective?

— Realize how ready the Lord is to complete His perfect plan for your life.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

(I
SAIAH
41:10).

Commit to…

— becoming actively involved in Bible study and group prayer.

— reading God’s Word on a daily basis and memorizing Scripture.

— finding an accountability group and a Christian “relationship mentor” who will be available to you, spend time with you on a regular basis, be honest with you, and coach you in your relationships.

Ask…

— God to help you discern where you are stuck in the relationship developmental stages.

— your mentor or another wise person to help you identify your relationship needs.

— your accountability group to help you establish appropriate goals for meeting your relationship needs.

Choose to…

— resolve any unhealthy patterns with your parents.

— not be emotionally enmeshed, needy, or controlled by your parents. If necessary, separate yourself emotionally until you can respond in a healthy way, with no strings attached.

— identify and process your “family of origin” problems, forgive your offenders, and grieve your losses. Say, “That was then; this is now.”

Learn to…

— free yourself of any family secrets, refusing to carry them.

— listen…say no…set boundaries…give and receive…and ask for what you need. Now practice these new, healthy patterns.

— feel your feelings…express hurt…withdraw and think about what you need to do or say. Write out your action plan, rehearse it, and do it.

My new job is to…

— discern the character of a person and respond accordingly with maturity.

— be a safe person and be present and attentive in my relationships.

— take care of myself and be responsible for myself without hurting, punishing, attacking, getting even, or lying to myself or to others.

I will…

— let go of the old, self-centered me because I am growing into a new, Christ-centered me.

— exchange the lies I’ve believed about myself for God’s truth about me as found in His Word.

— not betray myself by making immature choices. I will redeem my past by making good, mature choices.

Focus on…

— forming friendships where you are free to learn, grow, and mature.

— guarding your heart against any relationship that has the potential to trigger codependent tendencies.

— building relationships with trustworthy, mature Christians whose goal is Christlikeness.

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”

(H
EBREWS
12:1).

Finding freedom from codependent relationships requires communicating your new convictions in a consistent, loving, and straightforward way. The following guidelines can help:

“I realize I have been responding to you in an unhealthy way. I have been far too dependent on you to meet my needs as I have sought to meet all your needs. I am committed to healthy relationships and putting God first in my life. I know I have had negative responses to you and I will begin having positive responses by making decisions based on what is right in God’s eyes.”

“I realize I was wrong for _________ (not speaking up when I should have, not being the person I should have been in this relationship). Will you forgive me?”

“I feel responsible for _________. I am not responsible for _________ (making you happy, making you feel significant). I want you to be happy, but I don’t have the power to make you happy.”

“I want to do ________ with/for you, but I don’t feel led by God to do _______.”

Follow through by actually
releasing
the other person:

Releasing you is not to stop loving you,

but loving enough to stop leaning on you.

Releasing you is not to stop caring for you,

but caring enough to stop controlling you.

Releasing you is not to turn away from you,

but turning to Christ, trusting His control over you.

Releasing you is not to harm you,

but realizing “my help” has been harmful.

Releasing you is not to hurt you,

but to be willing to be hurt for healing.

Releasing you is not to judge you,

but letting the divine Judge judge me.

Releasing you is not to restrict you,

but restricting my demands of you.

Releasing you is not to refuse you,

but refusing to keep reality from you.

Releasing you is not to cut myself off from you,

but pruning the unfruitful away from you.

Releasing you is not to prove my power over you,

but admitting I am powerless to change you.

Releasing you is not to stop believing in you,

but believing the Lord alone will build character in you.

Releasing you is not to condemn the past,

but cherishing the present and committing our future to God.

Jeremiah 17:5,7

Exodus 20:3

John 8:36

Colossians 3:13

Psalm 62:7

Galatians 1:10

Galatians 6:4-5

1 Peter 5:7

Philippians 4:13

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Fear, Guilt, Habits, Hope, Identity, Manipulation, Marriage, Rejection, Self-worth
.

W
hat can you do when someone you love is caught in the throes of a harmful habit, a dangerous addiction, and your attempts at reasoning have brought no change, no escape from the ditch of a destructive pattern? Originally associated with helping alcoholics, there is one technique that has often proven to be effective when all individual intervention has failed: a group crisis intervention. And the reason?
There is power in numbers!

Typically, personal pleas and earnest appeals fall on deaf ears. Even when several people confront a person one at a time, each plea can be easily dismissed. The person to whom you are appealing may see each of you as little firecrackers who are simply popping off. But by coming together and confronting the person as a united group, you can become like dynamite empowered by God to move the immovable. The Bible lays out the plan of action for such a group intervention: